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Original poster

In for another miserable weekend because of sex

172 replies

NotHappyEither · 21/09/2013 08:29

We haven't had sex since last Saturday. We're supposed to be in a 'no pressure, it happens when it happens' phase because we've had lots of issues around him wanting more sex than me, not expressing that in the right way and me losing interest because he makes me feel like crap.

I've explained if he just relaxes and let's things happen naturally we'll end up having better sex. Maybe not as often as he would like but he complains lots about quality and my thinking was this would be a quality over quantity thing. Last weekend after this discussion and agreement we had great sex and he was really happy and up for the idea.

Fast forward to last night. We went to bed, I gave him a cuddle (another thing he complains is that I don't show him enough affection so I've been trying to make the effort to) he immediately thinks great we're having sex. I know if we don't have sex now he's going to shouty and miserable for the rest of the weekend. I feel like I have to have sex now and that immediately takes any fun out of it.

So I said words to the effect of let's just have a quicky. Because I honestly haven't got it in me to roll around for hours with someone who doesn't really care as long as he gets off. It didn't go down well. He ranted for a bit then told me to just get on with it then, I could make the effort for a change. I tried but he wasn't really turned on, I said let's just leave it tonight so he got out of bed and started shouting about oh that's great we're in for a great fucking weekend now. And that its my fucking job to turn him on if he's not and I can forget staying out tomorrow night (we're supposed to be staying at a friends DC at GP) he makes horrible digs and is shouty and rude stomping about the house.

Part of the problem is he knows we're out tomorrow and Sunday he has to have an early night so he thinks we won't get a chance for a couple more days. I do know that but just wanted to do what we said and let it happen when it happens and try and build it up slowly. I got up with the DC this morning and took him in a coffee this morning and he's already grumpy with me.

He'll be shouty and grumpy all day now. He's done this so many times and I hate it that a lovely weekend is ruined by sex again. Sad

OP posts:
Lahti · 21/09/2013 10:25

Op apologies as I'm just skim reading, but your post about breakfast rings alarm bells for me... the amount of times I had to eat something I didn't want just because he had been "thoughtful" was ridiculous... Thing is though if I didn't eat it I was ungrateful..., I was never right.

Original poster
NotHappyEither · 21/09/2013 10:26

I do think about how I could get out of it. The problem is that we were apart for 6 months last year and it was awful. The DC missed him SO much. He became super dad and when we spent any time together he was lovely and the DC were so much happier. Things have moved on, our life is so perfect now in terms of house, DC school etc. They are SO happy. They wouldn't understand why it was all happening again.

I know you shouldn't stay together for the children but I grew up with a dad who had a quick temper. Not abusive but we knew he had a short fuse because work was always so stressful. My mum did a lot of 'ahh leave your dad alone' type stuff which I find myself doing with my dc. To be honest now I'm an adult I think mum probably could've been a lot happier and it makes me sad for her. But looking back as a child would I have wanted them to separate? I really don't think I would've. It's a similar thing. The DC don't see the worst of it. I know they wouldn't want us to be apart. They only get one childhood and the least I can do is put up with a bit of crap to hold things together for them. They're my dc, I love them more than myself.

OP posts:
Flicktheswitch · 21/09/2013 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Handywoman · 21/09/2013 10:31

not I can totally identify with your remarks about needing the house/car/wife/kids to appear outwardly to be doing ok. STBXH and his mum/brother were verbally/emotionally abused. He behaved differently outside the house (friendly, polite, chatty, attentive to the kids) and inside the house (prostrate on the sofa, irritated by the kids, did nothing around the house, constantly suppressing anger). Home life was difficult, nothing made him happy ultimately. It got to the point when I could no longer pretend to myself and everyone that it was ok.

mcmooncup · 21/09/2013 10:31

Another one who has been there and done this OP.
I just got a terrible sinking feeling when I read your OP about how the weekend is ruined. We used to have the exact same thing......I used to HATE Friday nights, just because I knew it was either compromise my entire value system and just do it or put up with hideous mood swings and put downs all weekend. Some choice eh?

It is simply a lose : lose situation. There is no winning, no changing of these men, no light at the end of the tunnel. This is it.

I know you have had a lot of LTB's already, and it seems such a big thing, but logically what are your options here?

You are dealing with a damaged abusive man who is gradually destroying your very being.

Original poster
NotHappyEither · 21/09/2013 10:31

nfk lahti I feel sad that he's so predictable. That's exactly how it is. Sad

bimbojimbo don't say sorry. It's shite isn't it. How is it this isn't normal? This has been my life since I was 19.

OP posts:
Lahti · 21/09/2013 10:32

I split with my H earlier this year and it has been hard. He has become Disney Dad and my DD does miss him, but she does see him a lot. However the final straw for me was when my DD spilled some toothpaste and said "Daddy will be cross" I realised that it was affecting her too.

marriedinwhiteisback · 21/09/2013 10:33

My DH works hard and does nothing in the house at all yet expects it to be clean and tidy. He barely knows where the supermarket is. But he makes me happy and is kind and doesn't raise his voice. He's far from perfect in Mnet's eyes but if he had ever behaved like your DH he would no longer be my DH.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

Handywoman · 21/09/2013 10:33

.... abused by XH's father

mcmooncup · 21/09/2013 10:33

OP - you said earlier that he puts you down in front of the DC's.
They will also be noticing his 'sex moods' this weekend.

This is not a happy home for them.

My home is peaceful now. The DC are a billion times happier. You may think they don't notice. That is the biggest myth of them all.

Original poster
NotHappyEither · 21/09/2013 10:33

handy mc I'm gutted. That is exactly my life. Exactly.

OP posts:
EmmelineGoulden · 21/09/2013 10:34

NotHappy Do you have a daughter who;s going to grow up and also have a less happy life because she takes on the peace keeper role for everone else's sake? I find it so sad to keep on hearing of all these women who stay in unhappy relationships for their children's sake, whose mothers did the same, etc. And I just wonder - what women will ever get to lead fulfilling lives if this is the way of things? Please break the cycle for your children's sake. Stand up for your own right to a happy life.

Original poster
NotHappyEither · 21/09/2013 10:35

lahti dc do that too. Sad Sad

OP posts:
Lahti · 21/09/2013 10:40

I didn't realise quite how bad it was for ages. One day I called a counsellor for advice (thinking she would tell me to communicate better with him). She listened to me telling her about how I wasn't allowed to drive to the shops as it was a waste of fuel, how I had eaten an egg to keep him quiet! (I cringe about that now), how he always went clothes shopping with me (he had an opinion on my wardrobe) etc etc and at the end I was crying and I said "I just don't know what to do" all she said was "you do know what you can do".

Lweji · 21/09/2013 10:43

Your children may not want you to separate, but see how you are replicating your parents' marriage?
Your children may well go to similar relationships thinking it's normal.

It's not.

And it doesn't matter his issues or if on purpose. You are deeply unhappy.

Lahti · 21/09/2013 10:43

The really sad thing though is that I justified his behaviour as being caring when in fact it was unbelievably controlling. My self esteem was in my boots and is going to take some time to repair, but honestly not one person has been surprised at my decision to leave.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/09/2013 10:47

He is an abusive, controlling wanker.

It is not fair to your children that they are growing up in a house where their mother has sex and eats food to appease their bully of a father.

You think they aren't seeing the worst of it. You are wrong.

YoniBottsBumgina · 21/09/2013 10:58

I was in a relationship like yours. I also found it hard to believe that healthy relationships as described on this thread existed.

4/5 years down the line, I've been in one for 3 years and we are getting married soon. Sex is fantastic! There is never any pressure. I can stop in the middle of DTD and say "Actually I don't feel like it right now". I am not expected to provide oral/hand jobs if I am not in the mood. He encourages me to ask/do what I want instead of taking a passive role (something that I STILL struggle with after all this time). He is involved with DC (who, of course, is not biologically his, but this doesn't matter to him). He cooks, cleans, without anything other than expectation that it's the role of both of us. We apologise for being slightly grumpy with the other. We barely ever argue and if we do we always end up discussing it properly and coming to a compromise. We are both in the relationship with the general assumption that the other puts in as much as they can while taking as much as they need, rather than putting in the minimum they need and taking as much as they can (which is probably your H's unconscious relationship view)

My parents split up when I was 6, BTW. Obviously I wanted them to stay together, all children do - but when I was older I could so much appreciate that both my mum and dad were happier - my dad remarried and was a totally different person. My mum didn't but she was able to grow and change in a way that (as an adult) I can see she wouldn't have done in a million years with my dad. As an adult I can see the relationship dynamic between them from things I've been told (from both sides) and I'm glad they split up when they did. I think that overall my childhood was happier with them apart than it would have been with them together. Plus, at the time I was not constantly thinking "It would be better if they got back together", I just accepted it as the way it was. Lots of families are divorced these days - it seems fairly normal to children, sad as that may be.

They only get one childhood, but they have a lifetime ahead of them and one day they will appreciate that life without him there was less stressful. They may not see it but they will be aware when things are strained between you, they will unconsciously pick up on having to appease him, they will most likely internalise the notion that a man has to be placated and that the world will revolve around him. If you have sons they will expect this in future adult relationships, if you have daughters, they will be attracted to men who behave like this and end up in the exact same position you are now.

IMO and E, the vast majority of controlling and/or abusive (emotional, verbal, not necessarily physical) men are not doing so in any way consciously. They either have really skewed expectations/assumptions about relationships, women, family, love, etc, they are following a warped template from childhood where all relationships are dysfunctional and it's more of a battle than a co-operation, or they are just very selfish and don't consider anyone else in the world, literally thinking the world revolves around them... it's not like they wake up and think "Ooh, how can I make the missus feel shit about herself today then?" - they just operate that way by default, and either don't know or don't care about the effect they're having on others. No amount of talking or pleading or trying to get him to see it from your POV will work because he is just built that way and it's a very stubborn exterior.

If he had the capacity to care how his behaviour was making you feel, it would not have got anywhere near this state. It's not going to go back to square one.

plantsitter · 21/09/2013 11:00

My parents stayed together because of the children and looking back my dad was definitely EA (among other things).

You may have happy children. But if you want them to grow into happy adults they need to be able to look at and act upon their own needs and desires. Right now they are learning to gauge the mood of someone else and change their behaviour based entirely on that. This is likely to become a pattern in their adult lives.

I'm sorry. I think this would be different if YOU were happy. But you're not, are you?

YoniBottsBumgina · 21/09/2013 11:03

I think there's a thread on here currently along the lines of "Did your parents stay together for the children?" which might have some interesting perspectives?

MushroomSoup · 21/09/2013 11:04

It was hard last time you split because

  1. you 'weren't allowed' to tell people why you'd split, meaning you didn't get the support you needed
  2. you still did 'family stuff' together - WTF??!! - instead of putting the boundary in place and letting him be 'Disney dad' in his own time

I don't think your kind of split means the same as a split for most of us on here.

BimboJimbo · 21/09/2013 11:49

Exactly the same as you! This has been my life since I was 19 too! I don't know any different. This is my first relationship. I also have two children and couldn't imagine splitting up our family. I couldn't take my children from their father. They adore him.

nkf · 21/09/2013 11:49

My weekends are heaven now. No sinking feeling on Friday night. No crying on Saturday morning while I was harangued about not providing sex/not providing good enough sex/not requesting sex etc.

The children are with him this weekend and they will have a lovely time. And next weekend, they will be with me and we will have a lovely time. And right now, I am having a lovely time lying in bed looking at the trees outside my window and drinking coffee.

Don't assume that your life needs to be all suffering. I made that assumption and it's not true. Not true at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2013 11:59

BimboJimbo,

re your comment:-

"Exactly the same as you! This has been my life since I was 19 too! I don't know any different. This is my first relationship. I also have two children and couldn't imagine splitting up our family. I couldn't take my children from their father. They adore him".

He took advantage of your own lack of life experience. You as well do not adore your H.

This is no relationship model for your children to emulate; how would you feel if they repeated the same patterns as you have?. You'd likely feel crap.

Your children as well I would argue do not adore their dad if they see and hear their mother being so roundly abused. They both fear and hate him in equal measure and wonder why you put up with it. They will not thank you for staying, there are no awards handed out for being a martyr.