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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In for another miserable weekend because of sex

172 replies

NotHappyEither · 21/09/2013 08:29

We haven't had sex since last Saturday. We're supposed to be in a 'no pressure, it happens when it happens' phase because we've had lots of issues around him wanting more sex than me, not expressing that in the right way and me losing interest because he makes me feel like crap.

I've explained if he just relaxes and let's things happen naturally we'll end up having better sex. Maybe not as often as he would like but he complains lots about quality and my thinking was this would be a quality over quantity thing. Last weekend after this discussion and agreement we had great sex and he was really happy and up for the idea.

Fast forward to last night. We went to bed, I gave him a cuddle (another thing he complains is that I don't show him enough affection so I've been trying to make the effort to) he immediately thinks great we're having sex. I know if we don't have sex now he's going to shouty and miserable for the rest of the weekend. I feel like I have to have sex now and that immediately takes any fun out of it.

So I said words to the effect of let's just have a quicky. Because I honestly haven't got it in me to roll around for hours with someone who doesn't really care as long as he gets off. It didn't go down well. He ranted for a bit then told me to just get on with it then, I could make the effort for a change. I tried but he wasn't really turned on, I said let's just leave it tonight so he got out of bed and started shouting about oh that's great we're in for a great fucking weekend now. And that its my fucking job to turn him on if he's not and I can forget staying out tomorrow night (we're supposed to be staying at a friends DC at GP) he makes horrible digs and is shouty and rude stomping about the house.

Part of the problem is he knows we're out tomorrow and Sunday he has to have an early night so he thinks we won't get a chance for a couple more days. I do know that but just wanted to do what we said and let it happen when it happens and try and build it up slowly. I got up with the DC this morning and took him in a coffee this morning and he's already grumpy with me.

He'll be shouty and grumpy all day now. He's done this so many times and I hate it that a lovely weekend is ruined by sex again. Sad

OP posts:
piratecat · 22/09/2013 15:35

and that's an evening that turned out ok?

jeez

he controlled the entire thing, can't you see that????

piratecat · 22/09/2013 15:36

he's being extra nice because you put your foot down op.

he will go for it big time next time you upset him, because he doesn't change and is an arsehole. my god, i can't believe it.

HeySoulSister · 22/09/2013 15:38

Your poor kids. He's been violent as well you said?

Take a long hard look at what you are doing here ( do you know?) and think 'long term'

I'm shocked you think you can stay and your dc won't be picking up on all this crap

nkf · 22/09/2013 15:51

That is an okay evening is it? Putting on a performance in front of others, drinking lots and thinking sod him, going home separately and now you feel sorry for him. Here's the thing. For many people, that is a shit evening. A good evening is fun and laughter and cuddles and kindness. Not thinking phew, could have been worse.

Original poster
NotHappyEither · 22/09/2013 16:08

I know Sad I'm just as bad as he is. I know its unhealthy. I was looking at other couples last night and it makes me so sad. I'd love to be with someone where it wasn't an effort, where there's no hidden agendas.

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 22/09/2013 16:14

NONONONO!

No.

He hasn't got better, he's got more effective at crushing you. You're going to be punished severely for standing up to him; the Mr. Nice Guy was a test to see if you were going to row back on your attitude. Which you did, so he knows you're not going to keep pushing.

Did you know that other husbands can spot the abuse? Not from his behaviour, but from yours. Last night you were overtly assertive, but there will have been tension in your voice, your stance, your face. His attitude was obvious; you might be able to withstand the contempt for him, but can you bear the pity for you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2013 16:23

You have again ended up with someone just like your Dad was to your mother as a child; abusive.

You've managed to get away from one abusive ex and you can get away from this man this time also, you have to take the first, often the most hardest of steps, to leave. You went basically from one Grade 8 Fuckwit to a Grade 7 Fuckwit but the commonality here is that the men you have seen to date are all abusive. I reckon all these men have something else in common as well; their quick temper.

You can and must break this cycle for your girls; what they are currently learning about relationships here is how to each be a victim to emotional abusers as adults. How would you feel if one or both of your DDs ended up in a going nowhere relationship like yours, devastated I would think. However, you are currently doing your own bit to show them that this treatment of you on some level is acceptable to you. Your mother taught you a lot of damaging stuff as well, you probably talk to your DDs as your mother did to you re your Dad.

Re this comment of yours;-
"The DC don't see the worst of it. I know they wouldn't want us to be apart. They only get one childhood and the least I can do is put up with a bit of crap to hold things together for them. They're my dc, I love them more than myself".

You do not love yourself, that is completely obvious even from your writings alone. Easy prey therefore for such types. Your current H did not so much rescue you as took advantage of your inherent low self esteem and worth. He therefore saw an opportunity.

You are also absolutely "not putting up with a bit of crap" from him. You are being abused and on a daily basis to boot. You only get one childhood, yours was ruined by your parents and now history is repeating itself with your children. Their childhood is also being ruined just as yours was. I am sorry that is harsh to read but you need to read it all the same.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2013 16:26

I would also suggest NotHappyEither that you enrol yourself on Womens Aid Freedom Programme. They could teach you a lot.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2013 16:28

"This is the thing, he is better than he used to be. Much better. And although its taken 10 years we are actually getting to a point where the emotional rollercoasters are shorter. Whenever you read about abusive relationships it always says, abuse usually gets worse over time".

As is the case here and he also manipulated last night to his total advantage. Other people in your social circle are likely onto him and wonder of you why you are together at all given his behaviours. Body language is highly instructive.

Custardo · 22/09/2013 16:35

everyone else has pretty much said what needs saying regarding controlling behaviour/ not your fault etc.

however i though i needed to point out this
I honestly haven't got it in me to roll around for hours with someone who doesn't really care as long as he gets off

my counter argument to him wanting lots of sex would be
"I might want lots of sex too if you were any good at making me come, why don't you fucking google it or something"

Lahti · 22/09/2013 17:17

OP i have just skim read the last 2 pages, but you say that it has got a tiny bit better over the last 10 years. My STBXH was awful for the 1st 5 years of our marriage and I asked him to leave. He agreed to go to RELATE with me (I really regret that now) and we stayed together and I thought his behaviour was better. The thing is though I still felt awful but couldn't work out why (I thought I was ungrateful as he had stopped yelling and calling me names). In hindsight his methods of EA just changed from overt to more covert methods, especially after we had DD and I was so sleep deprived that I doubted my own mind. I took me another 5 years to leave.

nkf · 22/09/2013 17:22

I remember that. You are so grateful they aren't being absolutely vile, that you think being unpleasant is okay. Mine used to slam doors if the sex wasn't right. Slam. Bang. Glare. When he stopped (after Relate etc) and became whiny, it felt like an improvement.

Lahti · 22/09/2013 17:29

nkf it's absolutely soul destroying isn't it? I was told that there must have been something wrong with me and had I considered that I may actually be gay. I also wasn't spontaneous enough. Once when I was trying so hard to keep us together and we had sex I asked if he felt it was better. He just looked at me and said "No, I can tell you didn't really want it"
I was distraught and doubled my efforts to please him. Sad

Original poster
NotHappyEither · 22/09/2013 17:36

Yes we also did relate last year. He made all kinds of promises. He really seemed like he'd understood and he did change a lot. He's more aware of when he's being unreasonable although obviously not completely.

nfk your post is scarily accurate actually. That's exactly how things have changed. Why have I been so oblivious to this? I'm usually quite sensible and level headed believe it or not.

OP posts:
Lahti · 22/09/2013 17:46

He has always been aware that he is unreasonable, the difference now is that he knows that you won't accept that kind if behaviour as a outside specialist (RELATE) have said he shouldn't do it either. When I left for the final time he started counselling on his own but when he realised I wasn't going to take him back he immediately stopped as it was immediately going to benefit him.

Lahti · 22/09/2013 17:49

Wasn't immediately not was. #phone

StackOverflow · 22/09/2013 17:49

My H was like that. And of course doing it just so I could have my peace and quiet was never good enough either. I was supposed to bloody want and enjoy it, too!

I think it was the latter part that really got me in the end, his need to control not just what I did but how I felt about it, too.

We're about to be divorced now, thank goodness!

nkf · 22/09/2013 17:57

I know. Digging away at your responses until you don't even know your own feelings.

Original poster
NotHappyEither · 22/09/2013 17:57

Yes DH told me he'd gone to anger management while we were apart but actually I'm pretty sure now he lied about it. He only ever does anything if he can see what's in it for him. He cannot understand when I do things for people or help people out (unless it's him!) for no gain, just to be nice. It makes no sense to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotHappyEither · 22/09/2013 18:01

Yes I hate that. It's not good enough to have sex, I have to really want it. I've become so good at pretending I can't imagine how truly amazing it would feel to have sex with someone and really want it. To be able to look them in the eyes and be connected to them and know that you're with them and you want them.

OP posts:
nkf · 22/09/2013 18:28

Did you like it? Did you like it more than the other time? I got the feeling that you liked it less? And on and on and on.

StackOverflow · 22/09/2013 18:35

It's not my fault, you're just so fucking sexy! And you make me feel bad when you make me feel you don't want it as much as me, because you're just so fucking sexy, after all! So you really should be up for it or else I'll feel miserable and blame it on you ...

The word 'sexy' actually feels uncomfortable to me now.

Lahti · 22/09/2013 18:44

"it's natural and normal.... I can't help it" said while groping you at the kitchen sink for the nth time that day. Door slams when you are irritated by it.

nkf · 22/09/2013 18:45

I can't bear the idea of being thought sexy. That's sad isn't it?

Original poster
NotHappyEither · 22/09/2013 18:54

Yes yes and yes. You are all describing DH completely.

nfk lahti stack can I ask how things have gone since you separated? How did he react? How did you go about it? I think DH would not be willing to walk away from the family home and knowing him if he actually believed this was it he will probably get pretty mean over everything.

OP posts: