In for another miserable weekend because of sex

[NotHappyEither]

We haven't had sex since last Saturday. We're supposed to be in a 'no pressure, it happens when it happens' phase because we've had lots of issues around him wanting more sex than me, not expressing that in the right way and me losing interest because he makes me feel like crap.

I've explained if he just relaxes and let's things happen naturally we'll end up having better sex. Maybe not as often as he would like but he complains lots about quality and my thinking was this would be a quality over quantity thing. Last weekend after this discussion and agreement we had great sex and he was really happy and up for the idea.

Fast forward to last night. We went to bed, I gave him a cuddle (another thing he complains is that I don't show him enough affection so I've been trying to make the effort to) he immediately thinks great we're having sex. I know if we don't have sex now he's going to shouty and miserable for the rest of the weekend. I feel like I have to have sex now and that immediately takes any fun out of it.

So I said words to the effect of let's just have a quicky. Because I honestly haven't got it in me to roll around for hours with someone who doesn't really care as long as he gets off. It didn't go down well. He ranted for a bit then told me to just get on with it then, I could make the effort for a change. I tried but he wasn't really turned on, I said let's just leave it tonight so he got out of bed and started shouting about oh that's great we're in for a great fucking weekend now. And that its my fucking job to turn him on if he's not and I can forget staying out tomorrow night (we're supposed to be staying at a friends DC at GP) he makes horrible digs and is shouty and rude stomping about the house.

Part of the problem is he knows we're out tomorrow and Sunday he has to have an early night so he thinks we won't get a chance for a couple more days. I do know that but just wanted to do what we said and let it happen when it happens and try and build it up slowly. I got up with the DC this morning and took him in a coffee this morning and he's already grumpy with me.

He'll be shouty and grumpy all day now. He's done this so many times and I hate it that a lovely weekend is ruined by sex again.

You have married someone like your father, if you have daughters they will end up marrying someone like your H and be as unhappy as you are.

OP, your childhood taught you to normalise abusive, inreasonable behaviour from a man and now look where you are. So any daughters you have are now being trained exactly the same way. Would you want them to be treated this way? If not, then it is up to YOU to do something about it. And also, ask yourself if you wouldn't want them to be treated like this, how come it's okay for you to be treated like this?!

Of COURSE your Dc appeared so happy. They have been trained to appear super enthusiastic, appreciative and cheerful to appease daddy and try to maintain his good moods as much as possible. You have trained them this way. They know they have to push down their real feelings, needs and personalities in order to keep him sweet. They know that their lives must revolve around daddy's moods, that they can't be their real selves, flaws and neediness and all. You and your Oh have trained them this way. Also, if their dad is so petulant and moody often, then they will genuinely be happy and relieved when he is in a good mood, obviously. Children in homes where there is abuse will often appear very happy, because they have learnt to put on a false front. Also, children with a parent who abuses either them or their mother (or both), learn to appear to adore the abusive parent, because it is a defence mechanism to deflect the attention of his moods and nastiness away from them. It's like courtiers grovelling to an unstable king to avoid falling out of favour.

And all this appeasing his moods is abuse of them too. Just like you suffered the exact same abuse. You are replicating the abuse in your own home, and guess what your Dc are going to do... ?

Doing something apparently nice for you, like making you breakfast, but brooking no refusal 'or else' is a very cruel and mindfucking form of control and abuse, because it's you who looks bad for refusing a supposed generous act. Believe me, this man knows what he is doing alright.

Meerkat, I suppose I know this but haven't admitted it to myself yet.
More than anything in this world, I want to protect them!
As a child I used to sit and cover my ears so I could try and block out the arguments from my parents.
Watching my mum hit my dad on several occasions.
I now as an adult realise how it actually affected me.
Did I have a happy childhood? No!
I used to wish they would split up so the arguing would stop!
Parents were always happier apart. I'm happier too when doing it alone.
And now I'm doing the same to my children, and I'm slowly realising that! I more than anything do not want to do this to them!
I have issues regarding my past that are now slowly showing themselves.
Mentally I need to get strong and stop this!
It's just when I'll feel ready.
Sorry I've done it again 'not happy' , just your thread has hit a raw nerve

My EX husband was exactly like that, when it came to sex. Although we had a fantastic sexlife to start with.

He used to like going to bed nekkid so that he could have sex when he wanted it.

I got to the point where I was wearing pj's just so he would leave me alone.

All through our relationship he was EA, but it wasn't until he hit our 2 year old that I woke up. It took me a couple of months to sort out an escape, but not before I had a complete mental breakdown.

He promised me the earth when I left him and when that didn't work he tried to commit suicide, I tried to help him get back on his feet, but after that, there was NO WAY I was getting back with him.

His son and I haven't seen him for 5 years now and I am just beginning to get over the depression that he caused.

You are not a possession, you are a human being with feelings and if he can't see that, its his problem not yours.

My oldest DS was badly affected by his stepdad, but its only within the last 2 years that he has told me certain things that happened to him. Fortunately he is a happy well adjusted boy, except for being a bit jumpy when someone lifts their hand suddenly. My youngest doesn't remember what life was like back then, which is good. But even at 2 when we were in the middle of it all he had enough sense not to mess about indoors.

My husband used to be a bit like this but not as emotionally abusive. He's trying to manipulate you so you will give in. Tell him to grow up. Has he not considered that if he wasn't so selfish you might be up for it more? Very childish.

not your children want you to stay together. Of course they do. Just like they want Father Christmas to bring them everything on their Christmas list and sweets on tap. Not that children need to be hardened to the realities of adult life, OP, but you can see they are not yet fully formed adults and the responsibility for their long term emotional wellbeing, and yours (the two being very closely linked) rests with you. Please don't feel guilty for acting in their best interests.

bimbo please don't apologise, I know how it feels, other threads have had a similar effect on me. It's scary but please chat away. Starting your own thread sometimes feels like too big a step.

I'be got 2 girls. I hate the thought that I'm ruining the potential for them to have healthy future relationships. I just don't even know where to start. He's made it clear he would never leave again and I have no way of getting some where else to live. He also wouldn't compromise on how often he sees the DC. He would only accept 50/50 at the least. I could accept that but don't even really know what that means.

I have issues about my past too. Before DH I was in a horribly abusive relationship for 2 years. It ruined me and I'm not sure I ever recovered. DH kind of rescued me from that and the only way I really broke free was by getting together with him. I feel like mentally I'm exhausted from it all.

Please read what Oxford said she's spot on. The children are learning that their needs are less important than daddy's. This is the message that they will carry through to adult relationships. They will replicate the dynamic that you are currently living.

No child would prefer their parents to divorce if you asked them, it doesn't mean it wouldn't be right for them.

He's being so miserable. This is crap. I'm glad dc are at gp's tonight. I just want to scream at him to stop being so pathetic. It's so annoying. If we'd had sex last night we would be getting ready for a lovely evening but now its just going to be awkward and horrible and when he's had a drink he'll be an even bigger bastard. I've been looking forward to tonight for months.

Your job to turn him on?

You wont be able to stay out tonight now?

Fuck that!!!

I am not sure but i think i may have posted on one of your threads before about how sex is good for relationships and that me and DP are both happier when we are having regular sex but after reading your OP - im with those who are saying LTB. Your JOB?? really? yuck

He's being so miserable. This is crap. I'm glad dc are at gp's tonight. I just want to scream at him to stop being so pathetic. It's so annoying ^^ its just going to be awkward and horrible and when he's had a drink he'll be an even bigger bastard. I've been looking forward to tonight for months.

OP, do you not think those very words entered your own mother's head a thousand times throughout your childhood, judging by your description of it? She thought it, you think it, and guess who else will grow up to think it...

Your childhood primed you to believe that your needs must be subsumed for the man of the house, that you are responsible for keeping him happy or not. It led you into not one, but two abusive relationships. It trained you to fall for a man v much like your own father, repeating the patterns your mother did, making your daughters behave how you had to.

You need to ask yourself - how can this NOT train your daughters to be victims of abuse when they are adults?! This dynamic is virtuslly guaranteeing the same relationship misery and debasement that you suffer and have suffered. If they have no other model for what is normal, how on arth can they turn out not to be future victims?!

Please, please, break the cycle for them. Do not knowingly allow them - because you know it, you know it - to become the next generation of women who are treated like shit, like fuck puppets, controlled and demeaned. He is totally to blame for the abuse in the home, but you are equally responsible for keeping them in an environment shich could damage them for life. It's not fair that his abuse makes you responsible that way, but that's how things are.

A final point: when a man is sexually creepy and controlling to his partner, children always pick up on that, even though they don't understand it at all, or know any details. This is a further layer of psychic scarring.

Are your children at your or his parents?

Who will pick them up tomorrow?

OP forgive me if you have said this already but have you ever spoken to your mum about all of this and even asked her about her relationship with your dad? I wonder what her advice to you would be?

So will he just be a cock to you all evening in front of your friends and will you spend the evening having to excuse his behaviour? Wouldn't it be better to go on your own or will that just make things worse?

How can you possibly spend your life like this? Don't you see how awful his behaviour is?

My mum stayed with my wanker of a father until we were all grown up and it was the worst thing she could have done. It ruined my self esteem because we were always worried about his moods etc. I have never really had a healthy relationship and I am now 40 because I have always gone for men similar to my dad. Plus I don't know what a healthy relationship is!

Don't stay with him as he is an utter arsehole and will damage your girls outlook on life. He did not rescue you he saw your vulnerability and exploited it for his own good. Get out for your sake and your children.

Stay with this man OP and your life - and that of your kids - is very, very clearly mapped out. Misery and stress for you; repeating your patterns of behaviour and miserable lives for your children, including the kind of fucked up, soul destroying relationships you are in. I think you know you have to start thinking very carefully about how you can exit this 'relationship' asap. It is possible.

Been there done that too. He is also an EX now. The relationship seemed to revolve around sex and for 4 years I felt I was constantly treading on eggshells regarding his moods if we didn't have sex. I knew he used to plan ahead and think well there won't be a chance later /tomorrow/tonight or whatever and be in a mood, sulk or nasty if we didn't do it

I will never take that from anyone again

How did the evening go, OP?

Dearjackie - you have to have lived it it believe it don't you . Yours sounds the same as mine was - if he didn't get it at night I had to 'plan' to be up early next morning, or make sure he didn't ambush me in the shower, then knew he would expect it at night or the sulking would begin.

He would even engineer coming home at lunchtime to chance his luck. Makes my skin crawl to think about it. And don't get me started on him engineering sex before he gave me maintenance money after we had separated wtaf was I thinking.

I despair of myself that I couldn't tell him no at the time.

I too despair of my past actions. I can't believe I was that person. The sad thing is it makes me very nervous of having another relationship. I don't trust my boundaries.

I'm the same nkf extremely stressed at the idea if future relationships because I have no radar for shitty behaviour.

Well the evening turned out ok. He was horrible up to the very last minute then just as we got to the door he said, I'm sorry let's not make a thing of it, we don't want people thinking we've got problems again. Kissed me and in we went. He wasn't relaxed though and to start with I felt edgy.

As the night went on lots of friends picked up on his attitude, I tried to play it down. Then I drank quite a lot of wine and decided that actually I was going to enjoy myself and sod him. We ended up having big words and he actually seemed really upset and that he hadn't realised how bad things had got again. He wanted to go home, I put my foot down and said no I was staying. And he actually went home! In ten years he's never 'left me to it' I've always had to leave early with him or go to bed when he wants etc.

I had a great night overall. He's been extra extra nice today, said he was going to work on all the things that he's been letting slide. Has made me feel quite sorry for him actually. I don't know, he says he knows he went back on the no pressure over sex thing. He knows he was out of order acting like he did all day yesterday because of Friday night.

This is the thing, he is better than he used to be. Much better. And although its taken 10 years we are actually getting to a point where the emotional rollercoasters are shorter. Whenever you read about abusive relationships it always says, abuse usually gets worse over time. But actually in our case it has in very tiny amounts got better over time in some ways. So I wonder if its just taking him time to learn about good relationships work. If I give up on this I'll probably just have to start all over again with someone else.

Sorry for rambling!

Or you could meet somebody who you don't have to train to be kind to you? Xx

Gosh, so in another 10 years he might even behave in a reasonable manner.