Please help, just found out DH having an affair, don't know what to do

[knickyknocks]

My DH didn't log off from the family computer last night properly and have found emails in his sent box to someone (who looks like is also married). They are all of a sexual nature and he definitely looks like he's been having an affair for at least the past 3 months. He has been using 'going to the gym' as an excuse. It's making me feel sick.

He's due to go the gym this afternoon after work. I don't know what to do - we have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. Please help me. Do I ring him? confront him?

Well done op. I feel for you

The whole "fair enough" thing does rather smack of forewarned and forearmed.

Loving your work, OP!

OP, just wanted to say I am moved by your dignity and courage in the face of what must be an overwhelmingly awful day.

I am so sorry to hear what he has done to you OP.

Now he's making it about him by getting all emotional and crying. It should be about you and how you feel i.e. I will give you space and give you any answers that you need.

But he's still making it about him and that's disgusting, considering what he has done.

Even if he had only kissed her, it's still infidelity. I also doubt he just kissed her. Do people meet up so regularly to just kiss and hold hands when they are grown adults? I doubt it. Especially if they send sexual messages.

Give yourself as much time as you need. Don't let him pressure you into giving him answers or telling him how you feel. It is up to you when you share any of how you are feeling. On an equal measure, don't let this get in the way of his relationship with his kids - after all, this isn't about them. If he wants to see them tomorrow, perhaps have your Mum there whilst you go for a little walk, or sit in the other room if you don't want to leave him alone with them.

I think what you need to do now is sort the children out and then when they have gone to bed give yourself some time to relax and think. Take your time. It's a big thing and it wont all make sense and you will probably go through a number of different emotions within the first few days, weeks and months and that's perfectly normal (plus understandable).

Going to watch this thread and am thinking of you in this awful situation and your lovely children.

Lots of and for you x

Orm - I very much doubt that. I do think that genuinely remorseful cheaters will at a later stage realise just how much pain they have caused you. But upon discovery, having been extremely selfish, entitled and self absorbed for some time, it is muc more likely that the tears are for himself.

It's the same old story time and time again unfortunately. They all play out in the same way. I'm surprised you havent been told you are mad and imagining it. Always remember, his tears are for himself, not for you.

Big, big hugs. I've been in court today for my First Appointment following the discovery of my STBXH's affair last year. MN kept me sane. You WILL get through this and discover you are stronger than you ever thought you could be.

Kids in bed and asleep. I still feel as sick as a dog but will try and get some food down. I need my energy as DS still gets up twice a night for feeds.

I haven't heard from hubby, but I expect my MIL to be,giving him a hard time (too right) she's a family means everything type. Tomorrow is another day. I have tortured myself enough today looking at the email I did forward to my email address. Going,to go to bed. Still feel incredibly tearful, but have taken strength from all your support.

Another woman here knicky admiring your strength and courage. Sleep well.

I was following this thread on my phone as it unfolded today (I was at work) and have just caught up with whats happened. I just want to also add, my respect for you OP how you have handled the situation and yourself. You have shown, strength, courage and dignity throughout the day. My thoughts and much love and respect to you now and in the next few weeks. Stay strong and courageous.

I hope you can get some rest and I also have great admiration for your strength and dignity today. X

Can you get into his email again as it no longer matters if he sees you have forwarded all his emails? If not, tell him to give you his password right now and then you change it..

Well done to you op you have handled this with dignity. Take care of yourself.

Hope you get some sleep OP. You got through this day and you will survive. Promise

knickyknocks, I just wanted to say how in awe I am of you right now. You have reacted with such restraint and dignity.

He is a dick of the highest order, and does not deserve you.

Lxx

I'm so incredibly sorry he's done this to you and the children, OP. I hope you got some sleep.

Ok, so after yesterday's awfulness I've been able to establish the following

• through MIL he has given me the login and password to his email
• It is clear now reading the emails that they hadn't done the do but have been intimate
• they've met 3 times
• She was pushing him to take things further but so far he had made excuses about why he couldn't make those dates
• He had email exchanges last year for about a month with someone he works with. These were sex talk and the emails suggest this was all fantasy and not acted on.

Of course knowing he hasn't done the do with either of these women is better than it could have been, but what I need to work out is, he has been unfaithful twice (I count the sex talk as unfaithful) and if I hadn't of seen the emails yesterday whether he would have ended up having sex with her

BTW she didn't reply to,my email yesterday.

You've been amazing Nikki.

I would take some space without him to digest this information to allow yourself to work out how you feel. For me it's a deal breaker, but that might not be the case for you.

Good luck

Either way the advice is always to give the cheating partner the impression that its over so they realise just what they've lost.

Is your mother-in-law being ok with you?

Yes MIL is fully supportive of me. She thinks her son is an idiot. I had a feeling she'd be like that. She has very strong morals and feels disgusted with him.

Yesterday was a massive shock, today it's real. I still feel so tearful. Two women?? I don't care he didn't do the most intimate of stuff. What I need to try and get my head round was the thought was there for him.

Hi knicky

What a horrible situation, now you are more in the picture of what has happened how do you feel?

In my opinion I think the fact it was less sexual and more emotional worse, a quick no feelings fumble is bad and not acceptable but investing time and emotions into two women? To me unforgivable.

Morning knicky,
Just logging on to share a with you and to see how you are this morning as all this sinks in....

I'm pleased you've seen the emails, as painful as that is, IMO knowing the truth is better as it's there, fact, whereas if you don't know you can make up all sorts of stories in your head.

It's also good that you have support irl.

Take it easy today. It's up to you and you alone if you feel that your relationship together can continue. He will always be in your life because of the DC. him being at his DM house will give him first hand experience at what his life may well become.

And that's down to him. He may well play the depressed card, or the MLC card. All bollocks. Or the 'you didn't give me any attention' card. None of those scenarios give him the right to put a part of his anatomy into another woman's hand or mouth. But I know you know this..

Thinking of you today OP

Morning Knicky.

Just want to echo what Distrusting said. You've been getting a lot of advice and thoughts from people with forst hand experience on here. It will be great for you to read and take in but ultimately it down to you and what you feel. We'll be here, not judging, no matter what.

I do hope you are able to take enough time to work through your feelings and let him stay at his DM's and realise what he has potentially lost. That realisation of his loss is often the most powerful tool you have.

Oh no. Another twist in the story unfolds.
I don't know what I'd do in this situation to be honest.
For some this would be work-able for others it's a deal breaker.
Just give yourself some more time to digest and understand where your boundaries are.
I hope you have an OK day today and lean on your family and friends right now. They want to help.
Keep us posted on what happens. Everyone is here to support you no matter what you decide to do.
You've been amazing so far. Keep going.

Two women while you are pregnant and have a small baby - and now the guy is crying.

You've had a terrible shock op, but you have dealt with it with such strength and resolve. Hope you have lots of support today.

Knickyknock, I think you have handled this beautifully on the basis of the information you had.

Now new information has come out and it's very clear your Husband was on the path to having an affair, but the reality -seems- to be that he didn't yet. In fact the month of sexual emails last year came to a close (who brought it to a close, him or her?) and it sounds like in fact your husband was putting this woman this year off rather, rather than being keen to meet her and complete the betrayal.

Without doubt he needed a very sharp wake up call. It probably came came just in time.

But he didn't actually consummate the betrayal. Not yet. Because you found out in time, he may not ever - he's obviously very shaken.

Not saying what he did is right here, highly sexual emails with others and (at the least) a kiss is not right at all. But equally it could have been a whole lot worse.

It's possible that if he and you both have time to think, something can be salvaged from all this. Men, well, people, do sometimes get brought up sharp and have to think about what they really want and decide that their wife is way more important than cheap affairs.

I'm suggesting you at least talk when you are both calmer and keep in mind that in fact, your husband and the OW didn't do the dirty. From the info you had, you did everything right. Now you have new info, and in reality he does seem to have avoided meeting the OW and the finally breaking your trust and his own decency.

I hope that whatever you decide, you can stay as strong as you have so far and are able to take care of yourself hugs