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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, just found out DH having an affair, don't know what to do

232 replies

knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 09:36

My DH didn't log off from the family computer last night properly and have found emails in his sent box to someone (who looks like is also married). They are all of a sexual nature and he definitely looks like he's been having an affair for at least the past 3 months. He has been using 'going to the gym' as an excuse. It's making me feel sick.

He's due to go the gym this afternoon after work. I don't know what to do - we have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. Please help me. Do I ring him? confront him?

OP posts:
AmayaBuzzbee · 17/09/2013 15:49

I'd email her to say: "Yes, I do know your name. I'd suggest you talk to your husband before I will contact him with all the evidence of your sordid affair".

And then leave it at that (and not tell the husband, she will probably feel forced to do it herself).

Crazycake · 17/09/2013 15:50

You have handled this so well! You know you can do this x

Xales · 17/09/2013 15:51

From discovery at 9 to coming home around 2:30 they have got their story straight.

You don't know if he is texting/calling her while out so any email you send could just make you look stupid.

She is beneath you. If your H is not contacting her and you don't reply she will have to stew and worry about what you do/don't know and what you will/won't do with any information.

youvegotmail · 17/09/2013 15:51

I would totally reply (otherwise he might at some stage) - you don't need to get drawn into anything, just say,

'X's wife here - yes, rest assured I do know your full name and circumstances.'

and then leave it at that. Don't get sucked in or say anything else or reply (or even use your name). I don't care if it's spiteful - she deserves to feel a bit worried.

Bogeyface · 17/09/2013 15:55

I have to admit that I would reply with "Yes, I do know your name, and your husbands. You have 24 hours to tell him the truth before I do"

At the absolute least she will be cacking herself, but hopefully she will feel compelled to tell him and he will have the truth about his marriage.

MadBusLady · 17/09/2013 15:55

Please do not reply at all.

I think you are being played.

They have had hours to get their story straight.

The trouble with making him end it is that it does kind of send a message that you are eventually going to take him back. Is that what you want?

Stop being involved. Pull back from all this, get your mum round, and look after yourself while it sinks in. You've had a huge shock.

ShepherdsPurse · 17/09/2013 15:57

I would be wary about the email. He has more than likely text her to say that you are watching.

SpottedDickandCustard · 17/09/2013 16:06

Has he left his email open?

If yes, do use the opportunity to have a snoop and take photos of any useful evidence. Check the trash folder and internet history.

wannaBe · 17/09/2013 16:15

op, Before you start replying to emails and engaging with the OW ask yourself why it is you want to. Right now you are angry and rightly so. But it is easy to do things in the heat of anger which we later regret. If you reply to this ow, what are your reasons for doing so? Because you want to get back at her? As tempting as it is revenge is not the answer, and while the ow played a part it is ultimately your dh who is answerable to you. The ow is responsible for her own life; while telling her dh might ultimately be the right thing to do (should you so choose) now is not the time for playing games and making her squirm. You need to look after yourself and your dc and the rest will follow.

AmIGoingMad · 17/09/2013 16:16

Just read this thread from the beginning. Really feel for you op. it's madness how your world can be flipped so much in the space of a day. I'm so impressed by how you've handled things. I'm sure you must still be in shock too. I'm thinking of you. Can't add any advice to what you've been given but couldn't read this and not post my support to you.

JustinBsMum · 17/09/2013 16:16

No don't reply - it is worse waiting for a reply than getting one.

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 16:18

Thank you one and all. I've received amazing support on one of the worst days of my life. This day is right up there with my dad's funeral.

He's gone, I'll have head space once the kids are in bed. I'll have to sign off for a while as things will be hectic once DD comes home. Mum is coming to stay for a few days.

I did reply to that email (I did try yo rise above but probably want her to feel a little anxiety in her life too after my day today) I simply said it's his wife here. Yes I do. All further emails will be deleted.

Have had hubby on phone in tears. No idea if we can or will go forward from here. Time will tell. I just need some me time first. Thank you yo everyone who replied today. Don't know what I would have done without you.

OP posts:
Ezio · 17/09/2013 16:26

Dont rest on your laurels that this cheap affair is over, you need hard evidence of the fact and his willingness to get on his and beg you for forgiveness, make him work to have you back, otherwise tell him to take his nasty weak pathetic self to other side of fuck off.

Xales · 17/09/2013 16:27

Ahh the tears. Only predicted 2 hours ago. How predictable.

Ignore. They are because he is sorry he has been found out more than sorry for hurting and upsetting you.

Rooners · 17/09/2013 16:29

That sounds like a good reply - it means you won't have to deal with any more contact from someone you really don't need in your life.

Well done.

Fwiw - the tears on his part - it's all about him. What a victim mentality.

Stand firm, he's taking the mick and doesn't give a stuff how you feel about it.

ShepherdsPurse · 17/09/2013 16:29

He will be crying purely because he has been found out, that his family will find out, that your family will find out, that your dc will be told, that his friends will find out. They are tears for himself and what he will look like to other people.

Don't. Be.Taken.In

ShepherdsPurse · 17/09/2013 16:36

And to add to my post, the questions...
Did he cry when he went to mett her all these times?
Did he cry when he was emailing/texting her?
Did he cry each time he went out the dor to the 'gym'?

No he didn't, only when he was found out have the tears come

SpottedDickandCustard · 17/09/2013 16:43

Ignore the tears.

He has willingly created the situation about which he is crying.

Stay strong and don't let him worm his way back.

kiriwawa · 17/09/2013 16:43

I take my hat off to you, knickyknocks. You've done brilliantly today, especially considering you've had to react so quickly.

Your mum sounds great too, rushing over to be with you - so glad you've got her there with you.

Wellwobbly · 17/09/2013 16:43

"Ahh the tears. Only predicted 2 hours ago. How predictable."

And 'it was only a kiss' minimising - that was predicted too!

OP sorry we sound like such a bunch of jaded cynics, but sadly we have learned that they will do anything to get the old dynamic back, you know, the one where things were set up for their benefit whilst they didn't have to do much soul searching. It is very frightening to find out how selfish and using and emotionally unconnected these men are. A few words here, and bit of posturing there, and she will get back into line. Meantime, we are puffing on the pipe of hopium that this time they will get it. We have to NOT do that, and this is why we are telling you to be tough.

And they all follow the same line. That's why we can predict. It is called The Script.

MadAboutHotChoc · 17/09/2013 16:44

Crying is such a manipulative tactic - you are supposed to be impressed that your man has been moved to tears when really he's crying because he's been caught red handed. Pathetic snivelling coward - as the betrayed party, your pain and distress is far, far, far worse than his.

OrmirianResurgam · 17/09/2013 16:50

"Pathetic snivelling coward - as the betrayed party, your pain and distress is far, far, far worse than his."

Part of the cause of the tears is that very fact! That he is going to have to spend a lot of time dealing with your emotion and that is something a lot of selfish people don't like. He isn't going to be able to push it aside and say 'what about me!'.

I don't doubt he is genuinely very upset and scared but that is a feeling he has earned and it won't him any harm to feel it with full force for a while. I am sure he didn't expect it because he didn't think you would find it. You are both hurting but he caused it.

Viking1 · 17/09/2013 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Distrustinggirlnow · 17/09/2013 17:45

What wellwobbly said.....
Im pleased that your mums coming. That's one thing that always bugged me that I was left to deal with the DC etc whilst all he had to worry about was where the next tissue was coming from to dry his snivelling nose!

Something else I'd like to share with you, just so you don't feel so alone, when my not so DH rang the OW to say it was over, she said the self same thing 'fair enough'

Fair enough ????!!!!! You've ripped my fucking world apart, you and this idiot I'm married to, and the best you can come up with is 'fair enough' Angry grrrr even the flipping OW follow a script it would appear unless our OW are one and the same Hmm

Take care OP Thanks thinking of you

BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2013 17:45

It NEVER ceases to amaze me how predictably these snivelling excuses for men act when they are fund out. Pathetic

OP well done, you ROCKED today even if you didnt feel like you did

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