AIBU to be annoyed at DH

[MisselthwaiteManor]

I have a 13 week old who screams all evening, 3-4 hours almost solidly, she has done this for weeks. She also has reflux which is controlled pretty well during the day but this screaming often sets off a vomit fest.

I have PND and anxiety and basically just hate being alive right now and this screaming doesn't help.

DH often works late (to 11pm) but after me calling him home in tears several times his boss allowed him to change his hours so he could work earlier and get home at a normal time. This happened for one week, DH has now switched his hours (by choice, not his bosses say-so) to working till 11pm EVERY FUCKING WEEKDAY

I am on day one of this and the baby is screaming right now and I am feeling like he has done this on purpose so he doesn't have to deal with it and I can't see past the next 3 hours let alone doing this every day for the next however many years.

I have no other local support and he knows this. I fucking hate him right now and I feel like telling him to not bother coming home. I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by this incessant noise and stress but I don't want to see his face after he has done this to me.

She will be angelic when he comes home so he is of no use to me then.

You're doing so well, Marmalade. You have put your cards on the table. I don't think he will change but at least he knows how you feel and you aren't playing his stupid games.

Can you do two things? Contact either the CAB or a solicitor for some legal advice. Some solicitors will give you a free first meeting. Also, either ask MNHQ to move this to relationships or start a thread there for advice. There are incredible people who post there who know all about leaving, staying and living with this kind of shit.

Sorry to post such boring minute by minute updates btw, it's more to make sense in my own head - much easier to see what a cunt he is written down

x-posted. He's a cold, manipulative shit.

He absolutely cannot stop you from doing anything you want. The bloody cheek of it is ridiculous. He hasn't been bothered otherwise.

Start packing your bags, he is fucking with your head on purpose.

Even my DH has read parts of this and I have had to pick his jaw up off the floor, he also finds it disgusting. And thinks you'll be better off away from him.

He cannot stop you leaving with your baby at all, and if he tried then you would have to call the police. This isn't right, he can't control you like this. He really is a piece of work.

Also he didn't bother going to work as he didn't want you to leave with baby. Again it's all about him, him, him.

What about you?

And marmalade you keep putting down on here what you need to. You are getting more support here, than he has ever given you.

Firstly your DH is an arse. I think everyone on here has that covered.

I had a colicky refluxy baby who screamed at 6pm every night so I know , and sympathise.

Right, it sounds like colic which is horrendous but it does pass. At the time it seems like time moves slowly and it won't ever get better. It really does.

The reflux, my DS is on ranitidine still as a toddler. Your gp should be increasing the dose with her weight, that's all it is. You can do it yourself if I tell you how to be honest. I'm disgusted that your GP won't do this, they'll have a letter from the Paed telling them what to do and how much she is on, you should have a copy. They should be managing it not refusing to help. I would complain to the practice about not following the consultants plan. Get back to the Paed too.

If ranitidine isn't working then the next step is omeprazole. To be honest it sounds like she needs her meds upped first. Get this done than leave this passive aggressive tosser of a partner you have. Staring at you? Working late on purpose? Wtf?

He's vile, and I completely second the posters who say that coping with the PND and difficult baby would be easier if you were properly on your own, rather than stuck with this self-absorbed, unempathetic shit.

I don't have much practical LTB advice. I just wanted to tell you, as mum to an 18-month old, that it truly does get better. I suffered with CRIPPLING severe PND and PTSD. A good day was one when I just wept about putting my DD up for adoption, rather than having visions of hurting her or threatening to chuck myself out of the window. It kills me to talk about that now, and I am so thankful I am out the other side of that dark place today.
I also had a refluxy, colicky, very hard-to-please child for at least the first six months. A sling was our lifesaver; keeping her close to me and upright really helped her moods, as did white noise when she was especially hard to settle. Anyway, it felt like a lifetime then, but once it got better it happened quickly. My DD is an absolute joy now, an exceptionally bright and secure child, and while she is definitely still high maintenance, it is manageable and more 'rational'. When I first left the hospital I thought I would never say I loved being a mum, but now I do. It's the absolute truth. I have absolute faith you will find your way through this undeniably utterly SHIT time and find a lot more happiness and peace.

Please PM if you want to talk. I am miles away sadly but I genuinely completely get what you are going through.

Don't apologise, if it helps you in any way, just post whatever comes to mind.

A cranial osteopath (try to find one who specialises in babies) is well worth it... every penny.

I am very impressed that you see that you do need to leave x

Please don't wait to get your 'mental health' sorted, leaving will only help you with that and staying will only make it worse.

It is good that you are talking to your family again - but where are you very best friends based? Where is the best place to bring up your DD? Think carefully as going to live near your family again might not be the best for your mental health either.

Is there anything we can do to help?

I don't know if it helps, Marmalade, but I drove home absolutely furious on your behalf. How dare he sap your energy away from your child!

He is infuriating me right now. He is talking but just trying to invalidate everything I say. Ie I say you're not helping me he says 'I am' and I say I can't cope feeling like this and doing it alone and he says 'you can'. I don't know why I bother speaking to him at all.

An example of him helping me he just gave me was washing the bottles and changing nappies. That's not helping me is it, it's doing his share of baby chores. When he graces us with his prescence.

I said what I needed was emotional support because of my PND and some understanding and practical support when it gets too much for me and he said 'I do' ARGHHHHH.

He's doing wounded puppy dog eyes like I'm having a go at him and I'm honestly not. I'm trying to express y feelings. I want to remove his puppy eyes with a spoon and show him them and say look how annoying these are you fucker.

Marmalade, honestly, I think you'd be better not talking to him. He's a master of this passive aggressive shite, he'll always be better at it than you because you're normal. You're never going to get someone like this to admit that they're in the wrong, or that they've hurt your feelings, or whatever. It doesn't sound like any of this means anything to him, other than being a fun game where he gets to make you cross.

Can I suggest that you get the baby into the buggy and go out and have a bit of a walk Marmalade? Leave his puppy dog eyes at home and have some fresh air and get away from them for a bit?

Yeah, it's raining but I think a walk is a good idea. Baby needs some fresh air away from this atmosphere anyway.

Thank you for listening

yy to getting out away from the shite.
Keep posting if it helps.

Absolutely keep talking here.

But I think now is the time to stop taking his bullshit. Life's to short to be spent around this waste of space.

Sending you a big hug marmalade

On a purely practical note re the swaddling, I would watch YouTube videos on how to do this, and pretty much every other aspect of practical baby care!

It doesn't sound like you can engage with him in any useful way. Interesting though that he can stay at home when it's his own interests at stake. I'd have more respect if he actually said, "right, I've screwed up" and totally took over the baby care to give you a break but instead he's focussing his efforts on invalidating everything about how you feel to try as pressure you into staying.

Am so cross for you OP!

He sounds like he is a total emotional frigwit.

A crying baby is hard work, I remember it well, and once you are through it you can look back on it and think that it wasn't such a large part of your life, however, at the time it certainly feels that way.

Get away from your husband and give all your time and emotion to your baby, he doesn't deserve it.

x

Go back to the doc and explain EVERYTHING including how your (D)H has chosen to work these hours which are unhelpful for you. You also need to speak to your husband about why he has changed his hours and make him understand that this is not an option for him at the moment. Someone said take him to the GP with you - I would do this but only after you have spoken to the GP by yourself so you have been able to speak freely.

I imagine he has changed his hours so he gets a break but I suggest that when he comes in he takes over looking after your DC and you take yourself off out - even if it's just to have a drive and sit in the car for a little nap!

He needs to feel some of what you are going through. What a prick he is!

God Marmalade, you are doing so so well, keeping it together, staying strong, not bowing down to his manipulative nonsense. The anger you are feeling is good, keep hold of it.

I don't know why I bother speaking to him at all

^^ this. Why are you bothering? He is not responding to you like an adult, or an equal, or even just a respectful human being. He's responding like an emotionally stunted (at best, cruel and unkind at worst) dickhead.

Don't engage him any further its just going to infuriate you more and you will lose vital energy beating your brains out against a brick wall. Don't ask him anything, don't respond to anything he says, don't even look at him. Go about your day as if he isn't there. You have told him all you need to.

If he runs away. Notify his parents and the police after 24 hours telling them they are to be kept informed with updates and once found he is to be delivered to them.

He's right in one respect you can cope, you can cope without the added millstone of a petulant adult child who sabotages everything you do and turns all situations into being about him and your fault.

Spend the time keeping yourself busy finding ways to leave. Do you want to stay in the area? Would you prefer to move back to your home area? Are there any friends or relatives you could stay with if you felt you had to go sooner than you would like? If the answer is no to the last one is no, in that kind of a situation call womens aid and ask them for help getting safe.

I remember you, love

Your dickhead of a partner is still acting like a mindfucking piece of shit, then ?

Leave him, love. Stop trying to make him understand how bad you feel, he simply does not care

It's all a game to him. He views relationships as some someone winning and someone losing. He has you cast as The Loser. You could refuse to play along and leave.