AIBU to be annoyed at DH

[MisselthwaiteManor]

I have a 13 week old who screams all evening, 3-4 hours almost solidly, she has done this for weeks. She also has reflux which is controlled pretty well during the day but this screaming often sets off a vomit fest.

I have PND and anxiety and basically just hate being alive right now and this screaming doesn't help.

DH often works late (to 11pm) but after me calling him home in tears several times his boss allowed him to change his hours so he could work earlier and get home at a normal time. This happened for one week, DH has now switched his hours (by choice, not his bosses say-so) to working till 11pm EVERY FUCKING WEEKDAY

I am on day one of this and the baby is screaming right now and I am feeling like he has done this on purpose so he doesn't have to deal with it and I can't see past the next 3 hours let alone doing this every day for the next however many years.

I have no other local support and he knows this. I fucking hate him right now and I feel like telling him to not bother coming home. I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by this incessant noise and stress but I don't want to see his face after he has done this to me.

She will be angelic when he comes home so he is of no use to me then.

Well done Marmalade. Has he said anything further or not engaged with you at all on this?

I'm near Liverpool if you want to escape for coffee at any point.

I think his reaction says it all. A normal person would stare in horror at a partner who said that to them and it would be the start of a long discussion. His responses, his behaviour, sounds weird and erratic and, as you said, emotionally a bit vacant. For whatever reason he just doesn't give a shit what you think or feel.

It's not worth your valuable time to analyze why. The only important thing to remember is that his inadequacy as a father, partner and human being is about him, not you.

Hope you manage to have a calm afternoon with your DD in spite of him.

No he hasn't said anything else, I'm sitting here looking at him like he does to me (but Im not standing over him cos I think that's horrible and intimidating) but he's not saying anything. I keep saying don't you have anything to say and he just shakes his head in a sort of eye-rolling way. I took off my wedding ring and gave it to him and he took it and put it in his pocket. No reaction at all.

He leaves for work in 10 mins

Can you pack and be gone when he comes back? A friend or family? Or better still, pack his stuff? Well done for saying what you needed to - I agree that his response says it all.

Have you ever talked to his family about his weirdness?

Jesus, Marmalade! What an absolute shit!

He just told me I'm being ridiculous and he is sulking. He's making me feel like a total crazy bullying shit.

There's nowhere I can go at that sort of short notice, all my friends and family are hundreds of miles away and I don't drive. I moved here to be with him. I don't really want to pack his bag either cos he has form for running away when he's upset and I can't be bothered putting his parents through that again. I might call them to come collect him at some point, he's 30 years old so it's ridiculous that he would need to be collected but there you go.

Do you know what?
It is easier to cope with pnd/crying baby when you are not holding on to the hope/anger/disappointment/hurt that you feel when you are in a relationship with a selfish, nasty man.

It must be something to do with feeling so many negative emotions as well as dealing with pnd and your Dc.

You are doing really well and you will be just fine.

He is a waste of space!

Didn't want to read and run, he is a horrible weak person!

You are far from ridiculous.
Idiot (him)

I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry. But why did you fall out with your family?

He should have left for work now but he hasn't even got his bag ready so Indont know if he's going. I don't want to ask because then he will say well no not if you want me to stay and make it my problem.

There wasn't really a fall out, I just didnt get on very well with my parents and after moving away we lost contact because neither of us cared enough to make the effort. -But I've been talking to them via facebook & emails for a few months now.

Can I suggest that you pop your baby into her car seat, pop her in the car and take her to his place of work.

It will do one of 2 things: calm her to sleep or show him what he's missing. Either way, a win win. If that's not possible, how about Phoning him at work and just holding the baby to the phone. Repeatedly.

My first was like yours and my mental state - with hindsight - not much better than yours. Hours and hours of screaming. As soon as he rolled he slept on his tummy.

With ds2 I decided that the cot death risk was actually smaller than the risk that I would hurt him. So when he showed signs of being similar, I broke all the rules. He went to sleep on me in a sling every night. I had to dance quite vigorously, walk up and down a hill and even rock back to front extremely hard to get him to conk out. When I went to bed, I rolled up towels and he slept wedged between them on his side in his basket. He just wasn't comfy on his back at all. He also liked noise - radio 4 in our case.

Oh just get rid. You deserve so much better.

Get your ring back so you can sell it to spend it on something frivolous.

Call his parents and tell them your marriage is over and can they please come and get him.

It is bloody hard work with kids but when you know it is all down to you you somehow cope so much better, you get into a routine that suits you (cornflakes and toast for dinner, bed at 8pm, a bath at 2pm as that is the time baby sleeps) and you are not relying on help that will never come.

He just said he never does anything for himself because if he did I would tell him he's doing it wrong and make him feel like crap I have never ever criticised him, ever.

His parents are working so I can't bother them with this at the moment.

Maybe you should ask marmalade. If he is not going to work and he says he is staying on your account. Then tell him he needn't bother and if he is staying there then maybe he should go pack his stuff and give you some breathing space.

He is treating you atrociously, especially with how you are feeling at the moment. You don't need him dragging you down even more.

It seems like he is mocking you with yeah whatever and eye rolling. His attitude is disgraceful. But you already know that.

That's funny cos he changed his hours to suit himself so therefore he has done something for him.

Tell him he is talking crap.

He just left, too late to catch his lift so is probably doing a disappearing act again. I won't be drawn into it this time.

You're not crazy and you're not bullying. His response is designed to make you feel that way.

He doesn't ask you to do things for him because he doesn't need to. His is a passive form of control. He controls you by responding to you a certain way. He makes you feel responsible for his happiness and wellbeing.

But who is responsible for your happiness and wellbeing? Who is looking out for you? Who nurtures you and makes you feel safe and loved? These things should be standard in a relationship.

You are doing well to confront him. It's great that you've put money aside too. The idea of actually going must feel overwhelming though. Don't let him convince you that you're being unreasonable. Don't convince yourself that it would be too hard to leave, or too hard to make him go.

I agree with everything infinite just said.

I am glad to see you won't be drawn into his games. You really don't need this.

Are you the poster whose DP disappeared when she was heavily pregnant? And had done it before? I seem to recall that DP turned up a few days later, having put that OP through hell.

If that was you, I remember your thread.

Either way, you are a strong, capable, loving person, and will be a great mother.

Well done.
You have confronted him.
You have some money put away and contact with your family.
Sounds to me like you are formulating a plan to get away.
Let's hope he does disappear and leaves you alone for a while.
Sounds like you could do with it to be honest.
You've had some great advice and I have nothing to add.
Just wanted to say keep going and again - well done!

I remember your previous thread.

I feel really sorry for you. You must concentrate on yourself and your baby now, and do what is best for both of you. Please don't believe what he is telling you - he is a grown adult and should be able to behave better than he is doing. You are not responsible for him or his emotions or actions, he is.

I am not surprised you have ended up with PND. Please take care of yourself. If you need to leave to get the support you need then you should do so.

(And yes, look into the cranial osteopathy too, has worked wonders for people I know.)

Has he gone as in you have told him your marriage is over?

Other Posters Who Are Wiser Than Me - what does the OP need to do now in terms of protecting herself and her baby in terms of housing, money, etcetera?

You are doing incredibly well, Marmalade, while dealing with an absolute child.

Now that he's gone, can you sit down and work out what position you want to be in in 1-week, then 1-month, then 6-months time?

At the moment, you sound a bit like you're trying to solve all the questions all at once which is going to feel impossible. So it might be, 'In 1 week's time, I want to have spoken to a solicitor about separating' or 'I want to have told my friends what is happening.' or 'I want to have raised the issue of counselling with him.' Simple, achievable goals.

If on your 1-month plan you want to be rid of him, subdivide that into smaller chunks. (I want to have decided which town to settle in. I want to have contacted estate agents...) or if you want to have worked it out (I want him to have established more appropriate work patterns.)

It might not be helpful advice, but I get the feeling that now he's left, your brain will start running all over the place, so perhaps it will help to pin things down.

you are not crazy or bullying. Never, for half of one millisecond, think that. He is the bully here.

Can you look into train tickets to get up to family? Get a bag packed for you and baby, you won't need much to begin with.

You are being amazing and so strong for yourself and your baby, that must have taken real courage.

Yes that was me Cinnabar.

He is back already, says he didn't want to go to work in case I took the baby while he was gone. I said what if I did? And he said 'you can't.' I asked how he would feel etc but I just got 'you can't' over and over. No emotion behind it.

A 1-week, 1-month plan is a good idea