AIBU to be annoyed at DH

[MisselthwaiteManor]

I have a 13 week old who screams all evening, 3-4 hours almost solidly, she has done this for weeks. She also has reflux which is controlled pretty well during the day but this screaming often sets off a vomit fest.

I have PND and anxiety and basically just hate being alive right now and this screaming doesn't help.

DH often works late (to 11pm) but after me calling him home in tears several times his boss allowed him to change his hours so he could work earlier and get home at a normal time. This happened for one week, DH has now switched his hours (by choice, not his bosses say-so) to working till 11pm EVERY FUCKING WEEKDAY

I am on day one of this and the baby is screaming right now and I am feeling like he has done this on purpose so he doesn't have to deal with it and I can't see past the next 3 hours let alone doing this every day for the next however many years.

I have no other local support and he knows this. I fucking hate him right now and I feel like telling him to not bother coming home. I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by this incessant noise and stress but I don't want to see his face after he has done this to me.

She will be angelic when he comes home so he is of no use to me then.

Your H is irritating the tits off me and I'm on a different land mass. You need to leave, you know it and you are getting there. I think if you can disengage, eat properly, do small things for yourself, it will help your PND. I know when I had PND I didn't believe I deserved to feel good in any way. It's the illness.

On a practical note - if your GP is being only marginally less useless than your H how about presenting at A&E during the witching hours? I did it with DS and got sanity saving prescription formula.

My DS screamed and screamed as a baby. Like yours, he was forceps, and over the years, I've noticed that this seems to be more common with forceps babies. I just wanted to remind you about the cranial osteopathy suggestions. I know so many people with similar babies have had success with this - sadly I only heard of this when DS had got over his screaming fits. (DS is 14 now, and I barely remember the nightmare evenings.)

How are you op? How was dd tonight? Any more settled?

DD went off to sleep about 7 after her bath tonight and has been a dream, she's woken up for a couple of feeds but mostly slept. I'm up washing bottles at the moment.

We took DD to the walk in centre (attached to the hospital) ages and ages ago after GPs wouldn't prescribe her anything and we were sent off to the paed ward and given ranitidine. I think maybe that's why we don't have a care plan or anything? We weren't really under paed care just sort of seen for that day. I might try that again rather than A&E.

I have completely given up speaking to DH. It is so frustrating trying to make myself heard and getting a blank wall. I am just going to co-exist with him until I can get out of here.

I am just going to co-exist with him until I can get out of here.

I think this is a very wise decision. But I'd caution against this being the decision and you settling into a routine.

You've got a lot on, and you've got a lot that you have to make happen. Small chunks at a time, and remember what a fantastic resource you have here at Mumsnet, where there are brilliant people who can help you with each step.

Do you know when you would like to move out? And where you would like to settle (in the town you're in, or in your hometown?)

Try not to start right out with 'I could never afford to move out!' before you've made proper enquiries and research. You don't want to start putting stumbling blocks in the way for yourself. So, for example say; 'I want to be out by the end of Sept. Now, how best to make that happen?'

Again, I apologise if this is all rubbish - I'm not even slightly an expert on this. I'm just looking at it from an outsider's persecutive.

Well I hope you got some sleep.
Remember - co-existing means you do nothing for him at all.
No cooking dinners or lunches, no washing or washing up or cleaning up after him.
He needs to understand that this is the situation as well.
I hope it works out OK in the short term and just remember your long term goal and work towards getting out as soon as you can.
Keep going - so glad you had a good evening with your DD.
Maybe you have now relaxed a bit a so has she?

What do you need to do to get out?
x

Morning marmalade

I am so glad you have decided not to bother with him anymore. I agree that you shouldn't do anything for him at all either, he can't have it both ways.

Stay strong, you can get through this. Just ignore any daft puppy dog eyes.

I don't know what I need to leave.

I have a bit of money, enough to make the initial move but afte that I don't know. I will have to look at benefits for a few months cos I don't want the baby in nursery at this age (prepared to be flamed). I also need to make a decision as to where I am going to go.

It's easy enough to research all this stuff and make plans but making the move to physically walking out the door is so scary. And if I can't cope while he is at work how will I ever cope with no respite at all, when he is never ever here. I know people do but I don't think I'm one of them. Im not wavering but just jittery about it all.

He is acting as though nothing has happened as everything is normal but I am not engaging with him.

I don't know what I need to leave.

That's OK. You haven't had long to think about it, but there are loads of people here who can help you. Do you have a specific, first question in mind that you're wondering? I'm willing to bet that someone here will know the answer.

physically walking out the door is so scary.

I can't lie; I haven't gone through this but I'm absolutely sure that leaving is terrifying. It's absolutely OK to feel scared of it. But there are resources to help you here too, and people who know exactly what it feels like. And the better prepared and aware that you are, the easier it will be.

You sound as though you're doing really, really well, even if you don't feel like it. You've already established a fund (is that in a safe bank account?). You've already thought ahead to benefits. You've already made a decision about childcare (and the fact that not everybody will make the same choice is irrelevant - she's your child and you've made your choice.)

Even with all of this stuff going on, you're able to pin down the practicalities, and that is amazing! Well done!

And if I can't cope while he is at work how will I ever cope with no respite at all

At the moment you're dealing with a very difficult situation which is being made worse by this man who is sucking all the energy from you. The thing is, it's up to you to decide which is going to be better for you long term - the current situation, of working out ways to make it on your own.

Again, I apologise if some of this advice is off. I'm not an expert. It's just that I feel very, very bad for you.

No one will flame you for not working. Your baby is tiny and needs you. She needs stability and also healthy, happy parent(s). That is why the benefit situation exists. Your partner will need to pay child support too, don't forget.

Make your plans, and look at everything logically, work out what/where/when is best for you and your DD. Researching and making plans is the crucial first step, don't worry about taking your time to do this. The more prepared you feel, the easier it will be to feel in control when you do actually walk out.

Will your family help at all? (Did they approve/not approve of your partner, how are they likely to react to you leaving, what will they be like at practical support?) If not, is it better to be closer to supportive friends, or in an area you already feel more comfortable in - somewhere you've lived before after leaving home/uni/etc.?

What money do you have in your name - tax credits/child benefit etc.?

About coping on your own, I think you will be surprised how well you do. You will be in control, you see - you won't have that seething resentment that he SHOULD be helping you but ISN'T. You can also ask for practical support via Homestart etc., especially as you've been suffering with PND. And babies do get less relentless (or at least relentless in a different way!) as they get older.

How will I cope with no respite?

I think you need to move as close as you can to friends and family who will hopefully support you and help you out.

I'm afraid I have no experience of practical side of moving out but I do think you've made the right decision.

I have no idea where to start tbh

Tax credits and child benefit are in my name but paid into DHs bank account, half the tax credits are working tax so they will stop won't they?

Look on the entitled to website, that should help you get an idea of what you can expect.
Gather together all your and your childs important documents. ID birth certificates, passports, marriage certificates, driving licenses, bank statements, proof of tax credits and child benefit awards.
Take photocopies of your DHs bank statements as proof of his income.

If you don't have a bank account yourself get one asap. If you do have child tax credits and family allowance transferred into there leave the working tax credit in his.
Contact Shelter, the local council, womens aid with regards to help with being rehoused. Contact Wirral Advocacy with help on any aspect.

aiw.org.uk/
www.entitledto.co.uk/

Contact your HV if needed.

Well done though for deciding enough is enough.
It's a hard decision but will give you and you baby such a happier life.
Knowledge is power. Your local sure start centre should have a benefits advisor and they are brilliant they know everything and once you know what you can get its such a relief.

Do you have your own bank account? A first step might be getting all the paperwork relating to that together, and keeping it in one place. Make sure you have the phone number and account numbers listed somewhere sensible.

Just wanted to offer you a hug, and tell you that although it is daunting, it will get easier.

Wishing you lots of luck

Offering you my support Marmalade, nothing as soul destroying as the silent puppy dog eyes.

One step at a time and you both will be free of his shit.

I have a bank account, hasn't been used in years cos we've just been using DHs (shouldn't call him that now should I?) what with him being an ex gambler I have control of all finances so was easier to just use one acct. Will have to dig out the paperwork and get child benefit moved into my account. This is one thing that's worrying me, when he has his finances back he will make himself homeless through gambling I'm sure of it. I shouldn't care but can't see me getting any maintenance from him or him having a stable home for DD to visit.

From that benefit calculator I will be not much worse off on benefits than we are on Hs wage. That's good to know, and thankyou for the link.

I suspect that if you want to call him DH, you should go ahead and do so.

It really does sound as though you've got two minors to deal with - one who needs your attention because she's tiny and you're her mum, and one who should perhaps have started taking care of himself at some point so that you don't have to.

I don't know what to suggest with regards his finances. I'm afraid that it's another area where I know nothing. However, it doesn't sound healthy that you're manage it for him, rather than him learning to manage for himself. Does he go to any support groups for his gambling? Is he attempting to get a handle on the addiction for himself? Or is he totally relying on you to keep him safe from it?

As for a stable place to see DD, it's a problem that's at arm's length at the moment. You live close to his parents if I remember right? (I might have been reading a different thread, in which case sorry!) If so, that would be a stable place where she could visit.

I really hope you're doing OK.

How are doing today marmalade?
Hope you had another good evening?
Let us know how you're getting on.

Baby was awful last night, I think she must pick up on my stress cos she's at her worst when I'm alone.

Wrt his gambling, I set him up with support groups and councelling and a sponser and he didnt bother with any of it after a while and I got sick of doing it for him. So taking control of the money and letting him get on with it was the easiest thing. He needs to seek help himself I think or his heart will never be in it.

The thing I'm wondering about maintenance is they will calculate it from his wage won't they? Does it count towards my income for tax credits or income support does anyone know? Because I am concerned that maybe I will get less benefits because I am owed x-amount by DH but it will never materialise because it will be gambled. So wondering if it's best to not ask for maintenance at all. Something I need to ask the CAB or jobcentre I think.

Child maintenance isn't counted in tax credits or income support calculations.

I thought that if you went through the CSA then it was paid to you from his wages as soon as he is paid? Is that right? So he wouldn't have a chance to gamble it away, he can just gamble what's left and starve if he's that stupid.

If you came to an agreement between you without CSA then it might not materialise, so it probably wouldn't be the way to go.

Keep going Marmalade you're doing great.

You can get a deduction of earnings order but only after repeated failure to pay. It took from march to December of my x failing before I got money but it took the arrears into account.