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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at DH

276 replies

MisselthwaiteManor · 16/09/2013 20:16

I have a 13 week old who screams all evening, 3-4 hours almost solidly, she has done this for weeks. She also has reflux which is controlled pretty well during the day but this screaming often sets off a vomit fest.

I have PND and anxiety and basically just hate being alive right now and this screaming doesn't help.

DH often works late (to 11pm) but after me calling him home in tears several times his boss allowed him to change his hours so he could work earlier and get home at a normal time. This happened for one week, DH has now switched his hours (by choice, not his bosses say-so) to working till 11pm EVERY FUCKING WEEKDAY Hmm

I am on day one of this and the baby is screaming right now and I am feeling like he has done this on purpose so he doesn't have to deal with it and I can't see past the next 3 hours let alone doing this every day for the next however many years.

I have no other local support and he knows this. I fucking hate him right now and I feel like telling him to not bother coming home. I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by this incessant noise and stress but I don't want to see his face after he has done this to me.

She will be angelic when he comes home so he is of no use to me then.

OP posts:
Original poster
MisselthwaiteManor · 17/09/2013 02:09

He behaves like this with his family, I've seen him do the silent puppy dog eyes with his mum when she's been upset with something he has done. I've not seen his friends upset with him but he will go out of his way to help them and his colleagues, swapping shifts etc.

OP posts:
goodasitgets · 17/09/2013 02:34

I am in the NW with a week off next week. If you need anything just ask, I will happily hold baby or help around the house or whatever you need. CRB checked too

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 17/09/2013 02:43

Not sure if it has already been suggested, but can you start the bedtime routine early and try to get baby to sleep before the screaming starts?
We initially put DS in the bath at about 7.30pm but he was so tired and upset by then it was a huge struggle. Moving bath time to 6pm really helped.

StuntGirl · 17/09/2013 02:53

Your husband is a cunt.

Good job on the squirrelling of money, it will serve you well when you finally get the push to leave.

He's a twat and not worth another moment of your time.

I hope things get better for you soon marmalade x

PrimalLass · 17/09/2013 06:49

We had this with DS, and cranial osteopathy was brilliant. He had a slightly mishapen forhead (emergency forceps csection) and it smoothed out from the first session.

For swaddling (we did it until 6 months), the best thing was a stretchy knitted shawl.

Another miracle was colocynthis granules. You can often get them from the pharmacy in Boots, or from a herbalist. Try phoning Napiers in Edinburgh.

www.napiers.net/

PrimalLass · 17/09/2013 06:54

www.yourhealthfoodstore.co.uk/homeopathic-remedies/homeopathic-tablets/weleda-colocynthis

If you can't get the granules (they usually come with a wee scoop) then you could grind one of these.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/09/2013 07:09

I honestly think you should leave :(

I think you would feel a whole lot better about life in general if you weren't living with this prat (as discussed on previous threads).

Dealing with DD would be easier because you would have a different mind set. At the moment, on top of her screaming (which is bad enough!!) you are also dealing with him letting you down in an awful way, being a self absorbed fucker and being pathetic on top of that 'I wish I could help' He fucking could if he wanted to!!!!!! Bastard. Remove all of that stress from your life.

You would have more time & energy to look after yourself and your DD if you weren't running around after this little prick as well.

You owe it to yourself to leave. Hard as it is to do right now, when you are so so so tired do it knowing it will be easier as soon as you have done it.

magicstars · 17/09/2013 07:24

Morning marmalade, hope you managed to get some rest?

NLP stands for neurolinguist programming. DH and I had some sessions (individually) when he was drinking excessively. Made me realise I was only going to drive myself round the bend trying to help, or change him. I had to move on with my life and if he changed to fit in with me then great, if not, his loss. Thankfully it worked well for us both and several years down the line things are very different.
Your DH sounds like a complicated character, it may be that he is unable to empathise and is good at manipulating and controlling people. Your dd and you deserve better than that.
Can you speak to his mum? She may be in denial about his behaviour, but she may also be a great help.

ChasedByBees · 17/09/2013 07:54

You make him hot food when you don't have time to make something for yourself? Who cares if he doesn't eat? You barely have time and you have PND. He's having a relaxing time at work. He's being deliberately unsupportive by changing his shifts when you really really need him. He's an absolute pig.

DorothyBastard · 17/09/2013 08:24

How dreadful having to deal with a crap husband dragging you down when you already have a colicky baby and PND to be coping with. My DD was extremely colicky and high needs up until about 16 weeks and I know how unspeakably tough I found that.

You are doing an excellent job. Well done you. But you may find it easier if you left him-he doesn't help you at all and in fact make things worse.

You make him a hot dinner? He should be sorting his own lazy self out AND making you a little sandwich to grab when you can through the day. While you continue to squirrel cash and steel yourself to leave just introduce him to the breadbin and stop catering for him.

Goodness, his vile, selfish, cruel treatment of you has made me so cross on your behalf.

Original poster
MisselthwaiteManor · 17/09/2013 08:35

I know I need to leave, and the fact I've been squirrelling away money and got back in contact with my family I think deep down I've been planning it for ages. If I leave it will probably have to be back to my home town which is a huge upheaval. I need to deal with my mental health first of all and then make some plans.

Well this morning I am sitting on MN with a cup of tea and toast while DH is doing a feed. I haven't taken him up some breakfast like I usually do and I won't be cooking him lunch. If he starves I won't be made to feel guilty, he'd let me starve without noticing.

OP posts:
Original poster
MisselthwaiteManor · 17/09/2013 08:38

Im going to look at cranial osteopathy, it's been mentioned a lot on this thread, DD was an EMCS with forceps too, I dunno if she has a funny shaped head - I think all babies look a bit funny to me!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 17/09/2013 08:43

Great. So glad to hear that update. I think if you ditched the unsupportive lead weight your mental health may well improve somewhat anyway.

Retroformica · 17/09/2013 09:04

Well done! I agree stop bothering to cook and look after him. Don't make an issue out if it, just do it calmly and quietly.

He doesn't look after your mental health, you don't look domestically after him.

He is being selfish. You must care for yourself and your baby first. Your needs are top at the moment, so feed yourself well, get out for walks, tell friends about your problems, be kind to yourself. Make a plan to leave even if it isn't now.

Retroformica · 17/09/2013 09:07

It will pass. It stopped completely at 8 months for us but it did get worse before it got better. Can you invite a friend round for support some evenings?

Tiredmumno1 · 17/09/2013 09:31

Morning marmalade Smile

So glad you to see you are getting harsh with him. I really hope you don't back down and do anything for him. He doesn't deserve your energy tbh.

BishBashBoshBoo · 17/09/2013 09:59

Morning Marmalade.

It sounds as though you've made a great start by not making his breakfast and lunch. Say nothing unless he raises it because this is quite reasonable and normal, particularly under the circumstances. He'll feed himself. He's a grown man.

You need to look after yourself especially as you're not getting that from your dh.

It sounds like a good idea to look into cranial osteopathy. I've heard it is really good.

Good start!

Original poster
MisselthwaiteManor · 17/09/2013 10:13

I haven't even said a word to him since he got home and he hasn't spoken to me either, he won't until I speak. I'm just going about my day as if he's not here tbh.

8 months seems so, so far away. I can't imagine DD ever getting past the baby stage.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 17/09/2013 10:15

DS also had awful colic and cranial osteopathy helped him. A bad night started at 7pm and finished at 4 or 5am. The difference is that I went to bed at 9pm, DH woke me at 1am and I took over then - he had to work in the morning, but still did a 4 hr shift of the screaming. Colief helped a bit too. However, during the screaming, the only thing that really did any good was a swing seat - one where he was quite upright and got swung - we didn't have a battery in it so were doing all the swinging ourselves, and this helped to get the screaming down quite a few notches. However the cranial osteopathy stopped it - suddenly, after the 3rd treatment (1st two improved matters).

To purposefully change your shift so that you cannot help your partner who is ill with your own child is utterly heartless.

LookingThroughTheFog · 17/09/2013 10:18

Good luck, Marmalade.

It sounds like an awful situation to live in. The screaming would take me right to the edge, and the childish behaviour of DP would send me over it. I really hope you find the strength to get through it, one way or another.

Original poster
MisselthwaiteManor · 17/09/2013 12:04

I've just confronted him. This is pretty much what I said:

I know you're doing all of this on purpose to manipulate me. I know you chose to switch to late shift because you know how difficult (baby) is in the evenings and you want me not to cope. I know you purposefully didnt try and get the time off so I can go to therapy this week, because how many times have you switched your shifts to help someone other than me. I think you're playing mind games like when you left when I was pregnant, and I wish I had left you at that point. I know you're trying to make me go mad or hurt me or whatever.

I got a lot of 'yeah whatever' and head shakes.

I've never said anything like that to him ever before. Usially after a fall out he sulks and I mollycoddle him.

OP posts:
BishBashBoshBoo · 17/09/2013 12:04

I remember feeling like that, that I couldn't imagine my dc getting older than babies.

It does pass. And it gets so much easier. And so much more fun. And you'll be one of us annoying people who say how fast it has flown.
Promise.

You need to give your dh situation some deep thought. You deserve better. You might also want to think about (as I'm sure you have) what kind of a father he will be and what kind of role model your marriage will be to your dd.

BishBashBoshBoo · 17/09/2013 12:08

sorry x-posted.

It sounds as though you've handled that well. That must have taken courage.

'Yeah, whatever' is just a pants reaction. He has neither accepted the hurt he's caused you, nor taken responsibility for his behaviour and apologised nor seeked to resolve things.

It is worrying how little he seems to care how much he's hurt you and let you down. I'm angry on your behalf.

At the very least you need some marriage counselling.

oldgrandmama · 17/09/2013 12:16

My daughter's first child was a screamer. She tried cranial osteopathy and it worked wonders, calmed the baby boy down a lot. As for your husband, marmalade, I can only agree with what others have observed. He sounds a right piece of work.

petalsandstars · 17/09/2013 12:48

His reaction to that speaks volumes. Sorry to be blunt but from what you've posted he doesn't help or support you and is constantly taking whether it is food, household stuff or emotionally.

You would be surely better off with a support network and living elsewhere and getting csa from him than having to deal with the twunt living in the same house.

Best wishes to you though as I have a 3mo and can't imagine what you're going through alone Flowers