Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

No, he often goes in it. Usually I am more careful because I know he does that.

He opens mail too, which drives me mad because if he finds anything about my debts, he just gets in a bad mood, but he knows about them and always has

No need to require a leg to stand on. As mink says - if you want to smoke, that's entirely your choice.

How about this:
'There's nothing to talk about. I sometimes have a cigarette in the evenings. I understand you perhaps don't approve, but it's up to me. Now, next time you want something from my handbag, please ask me.'

However, I suspect he went looking for something to punish you with for not having sex with him. So no matter how reasonably you speak to him about it being your choice, he's going to use it to make you feel bad and put you down. Try not to let him.

He says it's not about that, but I am wasting our money. And it's not fair on DD.

I know its a disgusting habit and I should stop though. I quit when I found out I was pregnant and started having little sneaky ones about six months ago. I have a pack of ten a week, so it isn't as if I spend loads of money on it. I NEVER have one around DD or when she is awake and never will.

After she has gone to bed and I am on my own, I just like to take a brew into the garden. Have a little me time.

Anyway, thanks for the privacy line. I like that!!

Deflection?

Lickety there are lots of things you can say about it being such a small amount of money (and it being your money to spend on what you want as well). But really the smoking is just ahem a smoke screen, it's a convenient tool for him. So no matter how reasonable your arguments, he wont 'come round' to your way of thinking or agree with your POV because then he loses his stick to beat you with. I think the best you can do is state your case - it's a few cigarettes a week, nothing to get worked up over - and then refuse to discuss it further. You can refuse to have the discussion, but I suspect he wont let you.

Thank you ponygirl! I'm feeling I'm empowered. 'No big deal' will be my stance

pearl hope you're OK today, thinking of you. Sounds as though you're giving yourself a double whammy - the stress of your situation, and then beating yourself up for thinking about your marriage when you should be thinking of DC. Don't be so hard on yourself! In any case I'd imagine there's little you can do to help DC if they're in the care of the hospital, which unfortunately frees your imagination to dwell on everything else. You're not a bad person for doing that.

lickety I also have a sneaky smoke in the garden when DD is in bed (FW does not live here at the moment). I should give up. I like the little bit of rebellion that he doesn't know about it. Absolutely to what's been said above - don't get drawn into excuses or justifying it you'll get nowhere. It's your choice not his.

rose are you lurking? How are things?

Sorry it has taken so long to post again. fw is always watching me. I think the pouring water on my face was done because 1. I was asleep and he cant stand it when I sleep. 2. As punishment for leaving the jug on the table. 3. Beacuse he enjoys making me miserable.
There have been so many incidences like this over the years. If I ask him to stop doing something, he does stop but just moves onto something else. He doesnt like me breathing on him in bed when im asleep so he used to pinch the end of my nose till I gasped for air by opening my mouth when it woke me up. He gets irritated by me moving in bed. I awoke to a loud FOUR because he was counting how many times I moved. I spoke to him about this and how wrong it is. He stopped doing it but he just moves onto something else. So in his eyes hes stopped doing what I ask, so whats the problem?
He says he loves me but how can you do these things to someone you love?

I really want to get angry. fool what it take for me to get to that. dallia thank you for sharing your experience and glad you are happy. Thank you for the support. I will post when I am not being watched.

Frog I read your post about what he did, but I was just lurking at the time because FW had a few days off work.

What a horrible thing to do!

Pinching your nose is just really wrong. What a fuckwit really!!

H is similar in bed, he gets pissed off if I move, sometimes I cant get to sleep because I am so conscious of lying still. He also used to get very annoyed if I breathed on him. I am now in the habit of facing outwards and sleeping on the very edge of the bed. Now he complains that I don't cuddle him. He used to hate it if I did.

At the moment he likes to poke my bruises. I always have a lot of bruises because a) I am clumsy and b) I get them through my work with the equipment I use. He calls it "pokey bruisy" and finds it hilarious. I don't.

I don't know why they do these things to people they say they love. I ask myself that a lot. When I finally have the split chat with H, it's exactly what I am going to say...you don't love me, because you don't do X,Y and Z to the people you love.

lickety thats awful poking your bruises. He sounds very like my FW. What is going through his head. Ooh thats a bruise, ill think I'll prod it and see if she winces then pretend its a joke. Wtf is wrong with them? Stupid unanswerable question I know.

Told my sis about the water. Her response. .frog you have got to leave him. I know shes right.

The sleeping thing. I haven't slept properly in a long time. I clench my teeth because im a ball of stress.

The split chat. Thats the bit I'm dreading. I dont know the best words to use.

I know he has always done that!

I never used to think that much of it. I used to tell people about the silly little things that he did, that at first I thought were just eccentricities, maybe expecting them to find it amusing and they would raise their eyebrows instead. Little things like counting biscuits and not allowing too many to be eaten. What a freak! haha!

I think it's a big deal when sisters say things like that. Mine has too. For so long, she bit her tongue. When they finally feel that they have to say something, lines have been crossed and it must be bad.

Whats holding you back?

Yeah I am dreading it too, I've got a couple of months yet. I don't know if it will be forced by a big argument or the time will come when I just have to say it and he will be thinking nothing is wrong.

Sending you strength . You need to sleep, do you have a spare room?

; I never used to think much of it either. Thought it was normal.
Holding me back....If im honest im totally shitting myself. Im scared of the split chat and his reaction. Will he make my life more miserable than it is now.
No spare room, so stuck with laying rigid on the edge trying to breathe upwards not side wards, not move or snore, teeth involuntary clenched. It would be funny if it wasn't destroying me.
Have you definitely decided you are leaving?

Thanks for the strength its appreciated, same to you x

It is so common it is on the list of tactics of abuse- not letting you sleep.
And yet what normal person does this?
How can they all be so alike and yet so weird at the same time?!?

frog if you poured water on him when he was sleeping what would he do? Mine would escalate the situation out of control to get bsvk at me if i did that too him. but i wonder what he would say if you asked him straight after he did it, what would you do if i did that to you? Bet he would claim he would laugh...in which case i would be tempted to call him on it what

Mine now does things to the dcs that he claims he thinks are funny/normal /good for them that they don't like pretending to throw them in the canal or swinging them round really fast or holding them right up next to the shower so it is too hot or turning the roundabout too fast so they get terrified and/or fly off. every time they come home he has done something to erode their trust but something that if you try to tell someone makes you sound like an overprotectivd loon.

Frog I have decided, but it's just when. I have a sum of money in my head that I want to save up. I think I'll have it by Christmas. So I am thinking New Year. Whether I will have the balls is another issue. He's being quite well behaved at the moment. In general. I'm hoping my resolve doesn't fade. I think a bit of me is waiting for another big row so I can steel myself.

How could he make you more miserable? If you had got away?

Mink that sounds awful. Eroding their trust is so sad. And actually pretty hard to do as they are so trusting. What an arse! How could you frighten your own kids?!

Anyway, I am of up the wooden hills to bedfordshire. No DH yet to dish out his punishment for my dirty smoking habit. I had TWO tonight as a rebellion.

to you all

makes you sound like an overprotectivd loon but of course if the DC said something like this to a teacher, childminder or social worker they would be definitely keeping an eye on them if net referring. It's not exactly the stuff he does it's the effect on the children....that's where the abuse is obvious.

frog the chat is not compulsory. you do not need and are unlikely to get his permission to go. if you are prepared to move out, then you can do just that. leave. don't tell him. in a normal rs you would but in a normal rs you would not be scared of his reaction and you would not be sleep deprived.

frog did not mean that moving out is your only course of action. But if that is your plan then there is no need to tell him first. you are obliged to and you don't owe him. you can just leave a note saying Sick of you pouring water on me. have gone.

fool i do wonder what would happen if they said something. i hadn't really noticed the pattern until this last week and i don't think i have been responding as well as i should.sometimes the dcs are a bit melodramatic. dc1 is all about the drama and also prone to outright lies just now so i was kinda laughing it off and saying he is just playing but then realised she ws actually trying to tell me something and dc2 who is much less ott was conforming it and i was letting them down but not taking it more seriously.

I have told them if he does something to say I don't like that. but like the situation above he does a different thing each time and it is subtle.

I am going to start by validation their feelings more. i.e. saying how does that make you feel. i can understand why you feel that way. etc. And then....then i don't know

Seconding what mink said, frog - in fact, I'd go as far as to say it wasn't actually safe for you to have a split chat with him. He sounds like my FW, I had the huffing about moving in the bed etc too. I left in the middle of the day with a note because I was too scared to do anything else. I would have preferred to stay in the house and have him leave but I knew he wouldn't do that - and after i went, despite him saying he wanted me back and wanted to change and work on things yadda yadda, he still refused to let me move back into the house with the kids while he rented somewhere. I'm glad I didn't wait for him to go because it would have never happened.

mink - put down that stick! You were not letting DC down, because you didn't realise they were trying to tell you something. As soon as you realised, you listened and took it in, and now you are taking action to help them express what they are feeling. That's not letting them down, that's doing what a good parent does.

Off on hols for a week today, so access will be limited. love and strength to all.

Oh nini. 'Holiday'? I hope you manage to get through it. Stay safe, sweetie.

nini wishing you strength and endurance.

nini wishing you strength and endurance.

I just want to say that my STBXH is a FW.

Thank you. I feel better for that. As you were.