Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

tweedle does he tell you your problem is because your so emotional and feel things to much to?

oh yes he does. and i think too much, and I react the wrong way, and I take things the wrong way. too sensitive. too loud at times. too aggressive. too cold. too needy.....there are more but I can no longer type them without being cross

Who made him the judge of whether you have 'tried enough'?

It took ages, in my case, for the penny to drop: We don't need our FW's permission or agreement to end the relationship

He tried every angle to twist my head and I resisted. Big time resisted. I knew this would be hard. But I know as soon as I am out the house, I have the space from him , I will know my mind even more. I can feel it. I did not react, and even stifled a laugh when he said someone was telling me how I felt. my head "the only one who does that is YOU!" also asked if I was leaving so I could be with someone else. he has yet to work out that it is just because I do not need to be with him.

You did a brilliant job

Re:others telling me how I felt - FW, and sadly DD, both told me I had felt fine when I knew I was in mind-numbing misery (but trying to hide it from DD). She understands a bit better now she's in her early 20s I think, and also she's now seen what I'm like when I'm actually happy.

(How did I do that?)

I look forward to feeling truly happy and relaxed in my home. to feel I can make decisions confidently and without being contradicted just for the sake of it.
I am glad your daughter can see you happiness. No one can deny someone the right to be truly happy. Mind-numbing misery - yes! so brain dead just to cope with the rollercoaster of your life. switch off because otherwise you get caught up in it and in doing so you lose another piece of who you are.

Thanks mink I looked back and wondered how I got draw in, he has done the same to SS who say I have no evidence of abuse so they are trying to force me to have direct contact with him. They have never asked me to provide evidence. I knew it would all be minimised.
bounty I must not wish it away you are right to mention that. I don't but YKWIM. I will make the most of the bits in between. I will get myself back on the tracks and live my life. Very difficult with intrusion like I have never known. The volume of it is shocking. All to wear me down I know. When the volume of it increases for DS I will have to deal with on both sides. I really do need to make sure I get more sleep and look after myself better. I am no perfect parent but given how DS is doing so well and no mention has been given to how I have cared for him all this time on my own, they have only criticised me as a parent. We are not rich but DS has a nice home and is a nice DC as SS told me they thought he was and he is in top groups at school. And then you hear of children dying and nothing has been done. Very shocked by it all.

better I'm so sorry that it is sounding so bleak at the moment. I have to say, on numerous occasions when my DC were growing up I thought I was 'wishing away' their childhoods just because it was all such a slog and a struggle and there was no joy in our house (this was many years ago and I really was alone with a judgmental H who always managed to convince me that it was all my fault) but concentrate on yourself and your own happiness and you will make the most of the in-between times with DS.

Can WA or a similar organization not help you stand your ground re: contact (I am no expert) we all know it is a classic abuse tactic of the abuser to try to retain control in exactly the way he is doing I think SS may have a different agenda to WA etc in some respects, more like the Relate agenda of trying to make both parties negotiate which is directly at odds with how any organization should deal with two parties where one is abusive. It sounds like he is escalating-- is this the case? is he trying to push you so you react and then he can point the finger and say 'look at that, she is the unreasonable one'... if so, please remember not to engage... and talk to someone about how to deflect it (but record it as evidence)... SS should not be taking sides. It does seem like such a waste of effort when they won't see the big picture.

tweedle - go you! :o I had 1, 3, 4, 6 and 7 from your list - they're so unoriginal, these FWs!

As for having to vet your future home - just . Although really it's all too believable. I don't even let my FW past the door. I just know he'd make a comment, or make a face and claim he hadn't made a comment! And I don't want to have to feel defensive about my house, so he's not coming in.

better - did you point out to SS that they hadn't asked, when they said that? And the intrusion - that's from courts/SS and so on or from FW? Wishing you strength and a good night's sleep.

I have no evidence of abuse so they are trying to force me to have direct contact with him

tweedle brilliant. well done you sound so clear and decisive. and you are so right, it Will be wonderful to be in your own home and to be the real you.
That was what freaked me out the most the idea that all the reacting and coping and surviving had made me into someone else. someone i did not even get on with. still working out the post FW me but in general i like it much, much better.

I think I may have another chat to WA as I agree SS have a different agenda and he came across oh so nice to them as we know they can. I think you are so spot on that's and because I have to respond in some way as it is official, it does make me look unreasonable. So really I am at the point now where I can't protect DS and have to hope the damage is minimal.

The thing SS have said (which I can't disclose) are so far fetched and to the extreme the biase really stands out. They have even criticised others involved with me (again don't want to say too much) who OMG they are just wonderful people leading a wonderful life, I feel so bad for them too as I feel I have made this happen to them. In brief it is all our fault DS does not want to know his dad and we are not dealing with DS's distress well and making him feel worse.

In I don't think they can force me to see him, they are sending me on that course for separated parents and I will go as I think the course leader will say this is not appropriate as we separated 9 years ago! I see this as an attempt to make me start having contact with him for the benefit of DS.

Charlotte yes I have pointed that out to SS they have not responded. My main two issues have not been looked into at all and I think that is why I feel so bad about things. I will have to see what the court says in a few weeks time. It is contact no matter what which is wrong but that is the system so I guess until the system changes FW's always know their rights and we are stuck with it. DS will now face a long time not being free to do what he usually does in the hope of a meaningful relationship having been established by the back end of next year. And if it doesn't go well then I will be blamed again.

oh and Charlotte the intrusion is a combination of them all, on average a communication every other day.

for a child who I was told last night is scared of me and has 'bad' behaviour my DS is doing a lot of kissing, hugging and telling me he loves me. he has none of those 'bad behaviour' traits when it is just me and my DC's alone. I am no longer hurt by it like I once was, I can see through it now. they are just protecting themselves.
I know their dad is likely to always have this hold over them which is why I am looking forward to just enjoying my DC's in a new environment without the pressure of their FW father being around.

You sound very positive tweedle I know that later down the road I will have all this to come and probably from SS too.
How can children be being neglected in one household and a happy child who has a 100% attendance record at school in mine be intruded upon and the parent criticised.

better, thanks. Is this being legally enforced? Or a recommendation that you go? (Sorry for questions, I just ask because I had a discussion around direct contact with my solicitor, and I said I did not want it).

so I've been offered a house. a beautiful house which I know well and could get cheap and is owned by some friends but it's not available until January. January feels a long way away. I would need to make a space for myself within this house which could cause friction of it's own. I would need to negotiate Christmas and new year whilst still remaining in the same head/breathing space as FW. This house is so perfect though and will be leased to me long term (could be up to 5 years). it would have no impact on the kids nursery/school or my social life. As I would have no car I can't move too far away from the people I love and the one the kids love (FW) because I have no family here.
But living here until then? Sending the kids off to his parents for christmas, still being in this house, should I just get on with it? At least I know I have an escape at the end of it and I can just imagine it as walking up a very big mountain, being near the top, seeing the summit and getting their in January. it will feel good when I step through the door. It will also give me time to get all the things I need to move in and not such a shock to the parents, bit more time. Plus I don't have to explain the whole single mum/benefits/part-time worker stuff to them.
SO maybe I can wait it out - but I will need my hand held all the way.

Bit of a rambling post - just you guys have helped me just take the 2 steps to get me here and after having been in an EA it can be DAMNED hard to learn to make your own decisions again and feel confident you are making the right one. The seed of doubt has been blossoming for 5 years thanks to FW.

*having been in an EA relationship

tweedlezee, congratulations, it sounds great about the house. I wonder how you might feel about saying a provisional yes to the house, and now putting the word out with your other friends to see if anyone can offer a short term solution between now and January? People might be willing to make space knowing it isn't for that long? Or housesitting? Or even weekends of respite away can make a difference.

But whatever you decide I think its important to note the good signs that people out there do care, and that good things do happen without us sometimes even needing to try too hard. Good luck with the next steps.

This is a good idea. The only thing is the kids. I could go but he would not let me take the kids and I am their primary care giver. I am here 4 days a week with them. And before anyone asks why he won't leave, I don't know. Well I know his 'reasons' which are that I am the one who has decided to split the family up so I have to go. the idea is that we will share child care. he is yet to inform me how that will be managed with him working fulltime. I think he is still thinking I will change my mind. But taking the kids to a 'temporary' home with me would not sit well in this house. Any ideas? Should I just pick the kids up and take them? That just seems so extreme. I have places I could stay, I could stay away from here for 8 weeks if I needed it. there are enough people I could stay with. But that would mean coming back here everyday to look after the kids. I would lose housing benefit, which is the only money I have.
I am basically an unpaid slave for him aren't I?

maybe that is dramatic but I just feel so trapped and he still holds all the cards and the fact that I am a MOTHER! who has brought up his CHILDREN seems to hold NO weight. But is it just another way of punishing me. I am trying so hard to hold it together. Nearly lost it 2 seconds a go to go into the street (where he is sorting is van) and scream in his face. But I should not do that, but god I want to!!!!!!!!

pretty much In.
tweeze I know he will not reason with you but it would be in the best interests of the DC for him to move out until after Christmas when you can say you are happy to and he can move back in. The DC would have their usual home for Christmas which may keep some stability whilst they adjust to changes. How much to DC know?

they are really young - 2 &3 so they know nothing really. He wont move out. He wont. And if I bring it up he says "you cant make me do stuff". I was assuming they would go to their grandparents at Christmas with him. I am hopeful that means I can get away for new year. He just wont talk to me. He wont speak about it. He just says yes. I get frustrated but I don't wan tto shout because then I am being unreasonable.

I'm new & joining late. but better late than never