Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Um, hello everyone. I have been a bit of a lurker but was guided here to speak up after I posted a thread yesterday about how to go about leaving my relationship. Until I read all those checklists and links I wasn't even aware that is was emotional abuse really. I just thought he was really controlling and jealous, but it was such a relief to realise it wasn't just me going insane! Currently planning my escape and it's lovely to know I'm not alone.

fool a bit late but a belated yayyy from me. I was just wondering how you were doing the other day :)

Hi albienon sorry you find yourself here but welcome.

I have internet at long last!

fool, that's great news!

Hello, newbies. And old friends. Ahhh... It's good to be back!

So, I now have a sofa, thanks to WA, and on the same day as getting internet, too! I'm doing ok, but it's been a difficult three weeks, because the dcs have been at FW's house almost half the time. That's mainly because he set the schedule and I've been a bit slow at thinking what I want. It's taken me a while, but I've realised I don't like such frequent contact and I'm building up to saying so at mediation. Fortunately, he's got a few trips lined up, so we get 10 clear days coming up, which'll be a blessed relief.

He's not paying maintenance yet, because he thinks by holding it back he can force me to pay him some money he thinks I owe him from the summer. Where he thinks I'd get the money from, even if I thought what he's asking was reasonable, who knows? Things have been a bit tight without the maintenance, but I suppose that's the positive of his having the dcs so much - he's had to feed them!

and for you on your new sofa Charlotte!

Great news fool I wish they had done the hearing to decide who was lying first for me and then cafcass. GL with them, think I have had a nightmare but we will see what the end result is.
I know a mum willing to lie too - this is when we see the enabler and probably one cause of it all.
Hi to everyone else, been very low and not wanted to post really. Not been able to take life forward as I hoped but only not yet ,not, not ever. I will. Think of you all often.

better sorry you've been feeling low. Even something like surreptitiously sorting the books into his and hers can be a step forward, and help keep hope alive. Realistic hope, that you'll find yourself again, not that he will change! And always helped me.

better sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Hope better things are coming your way.
charlotte great to see you are set up in your own place. It is all a bit of a whirlwind when you first get your own place, like the adrenaline carries you along, then it hits you when you finally slow down. Hope you manage to assert what you want with regard to access at the mediation.

waves to everyone old and new

I have had the Decree Absolute in the post on the same day my below-the-asking-price offer on a house was accepted

There is just the final conveyancing to do to get me off the deeds of Ex-H's house. He is still bleating about lack of money as he has DD for 4 days this week as her half term doesn't coincide with mine. So have ended up buying him £30 worth of food, on the understanding that it is a one-off.
Cannot wait to be in my new place! The neighbours in my rented place are very noisy at night.

Double congratulations, Matchsticks!

I've slowed down very quickly post-moving, I think. The whole thing is so weird, so different from life as it was. It's great having my own space, but daunting because I have to make decisions about what to put in it, how I want it to look, which I've never had a say in before and didn't believe I could do. I'm starting to get ideas and starting to feel like I can do this "being an adult" lark, rather than just faking it.

Then the other thing which is totally different from before is the time away from the dcs. Which is just horrid. I hate it. I thought I'd enjoy the odd weekend without them, worried I was unnatural and wouldn't even miss them. But it isn't the odd weekend, it's too much, and such a sudden change from seeing them all the time.

At times this month that has even made me wonder if I've done the right thing. I only moved because I thought it was better for the dcs, because I would be a better mother away from him and a better role-model by not staying and enduring his FWery. Instead, I feel like I've saved myself and thrown them to the wolves, which, yes, is possibly a little dramatic.

I felt exactly the same this time last year though. I also didn't get a say in what furniture went into the house, we ate what he liked, pictures were all ones he'd chosen etc.
The reason I stayed so long was that I couldn't imagine being away from the dc for so long. But I have to say I am now used to and enjoying my 1 evening and 1 day I get a week to do what I want to do.
Ex-H now experiences the challenges of having a 3 and 5 year old all day and can maybe now understand why everything wasn't always done. Too late now of course.
You will become more comfortable being in the driving seat of your own life, I promise.

Awwwwww Charlotte!!!! and Here's to you, and WA and freeeeeedom!

And hurrah and huzzah for fool's verdicts. Really pleased for you, it's much deserved (for both of you! )

Albienon and Evilwater sorry you have to be here, but glad you have found us.

yay Charlotte woooo!!!! Its all a bit of a shock to the system isn't it at first? Such good news to hear.

And yay! I say again for Fool .. Wooooo!!!! thats heartening news and such a relief for you to have that in your past now! and the good outcome to carry forward.

I'm sorry I'm not able to read more; Hello Match and to everyone hello's.

xxxx

Indeed, again - For Fool and Charlotte (and all of us):
Onwards and Upwards!

transpose the first line!!! didn't want to imply that a 'shock to the system' was 'good news' Charlotte

I read it as you intended it, Fi, don't worry!

Great to have you back where you belong with us charlotte :)

better hope things are more manageable soon

matchsticks fear of losing time with dd is one of my biggest chains keeping me here

Hi Charlotte, good to hear that you are settled and have new sofa, and time with DCs coming up. Have you met with your sol re contact plans? Don't let FW steamroller you. Also remember that contact evolves over time, and that what you have had the last couple of weeks is not likely to be what you will have in the future.

No, it doesn't sound dramatic about saving yourself; that is what I feel like I did, and I would also say it was about being a better mother. It is very hard to convey to outsiders (have been trying today!!). But if you feel you have thrown DC to the wolves, you need to pin down why and get your solicitor involved.

The problem is that because you don't think like a FW, quite a lot of the early post-split time is spent just getting your head around what exactly happened and playing catch up, because FWs just carry on going. It is very early days. I feel like I am only just beginning to think clearly about what the implications of this are and what I can do, rather than just remembering how to breathe.

pleased to read your news fool and match

better I am sorry you are feeling so low. It is relentless sometimes and it takes a lot of energy. Sending you much love and support.

Hi to everyone else.

might regret posting this later but have been at a loose end all day and really really need to offload! sorry that this is a bit me-me-me.

I am having a really really bad day. And evening... I stupidly didn't 'remind' H about my birthday tomorrow because I was hoping he'd realize he forgot and be all contrite, a few weeks ago some friends (from a friendship group H is not involved in, women only) had asked if I'd like to go see a show coincidentally tomorrow night I said yes to them and bought ticket, not much money so no biggie in terms of financial loss if I don't go... but no chance ever arose to tell H I'd done this, my stupid fault to think I could present it as a fait acompli. He's been preoccupied with his family for the past two weeks as his brother is ill (the long story is he's been ill for a long time but H's real interest recently has involved accusing the Doctors/hospital/etc of having done everything wrong, ie he read something on the internet that they 'should' have been doing but weren't ... generally being abusive from a long distance away under the guise of being really concerned about his brother. BIL is very ill indeed and had major surgery today and will take months to recover but surgery was success we are told and all is as well as can be expected.) So, a couple of days ago I mentioned I bought the ticket.

The conversation went something like this:
H: I may need to go (up north) to sort out those xxxxxs (re: BIL's treatment). Can you see about hotels there because I don't want to stay with (the inlaws). We'll go up (whenever). NB he is assuming I will come with him... it's not my family and as much as I want to support them there isn't anything I can do when BIL is in intensive care...
Me: BTW it's my birthday on Saturday, I'd like to see a show with my friends. Can we plan around this?
H: Of course I know it's your birthday, I've organized for the kids to come to (city where DD is at uni) so you can't see your friends. You have to cancel that.
Me: ??
H: And those f*ing kids, they are so rude, they never call me or respond to my texts.

Well I actually cannot remember exactly what I said. But I called both the kids to ask them if they'd planned on coming, evidently he'd texted them a few weeks ago suggesting it but that's as far as it went so ample opportunity for him to renege on the whole thing and (I would believe thankfully) let me do what I wanted to do! But no. He suddenly went into abusive mode and started going on about how rude I was to plan something without him, etc etc, said he'd been planning it for ages and he'd been preoccupied with his brother (somewhat true but he's just using BIL as an excuse). So now I feel terrible on two counts firstly, that I didn't ask him before buying ticket (but he would have said NO so maybe that is why I didn't ask) and secondly because now I'm letting my friends down... there is more to this story, the friends are meeting up for lunch before the show and would you believe it is the SAME city where H was planning to go.... so it would be easy to at least let me see friends for a short time FFS! I am feeling so stressed and stifled right now!!! My thinking was that he would realize that it was my birthday so my choice to do something not involving him, in the evening (not like all day FFS). Bum.

So apologies for the long story... it gets worse, he's been awful to me this evening ie saying 'why are you eating, aren't you supposed to be on a diet' . (I stopped at the pound shop and bought some caramel popcorn and a box of chocs in honor of my birthday, sort of a joke as he really likes that popcorn and I thought it would be fun, he bought some 2 days ago), commenting on my new handbag 'who paid for this, then?' wouldn't a nicer comment be OH I SEE YOU HAVE A NEW HANDBAG-- IT'S NICE!!! instead of leaving me grovelling, oh I bought that last year in the sales (true BTW).

So an hour ago he stomped off saying I had ruined the evening by being rude. Just because I'd sort of stood up for myself and said that I wasn't pleased that he had not consulted me in all of this. It's not like he'd booked a restaurant or anything, even!

So I just went upstairs and asked him just what was going on tomorrow. He said he didn't know because I'd been so rude he was just going to cancel the whole thing. WHAT THING?? I don't even know what has been planned! As far as I know he talked to DS about him getting a train out to where we were going but DS wasn't too keen, so H said to him we might pick him up en route. I am just SOOOO not keen on spending the the whole day in the car. And am REALLY not keen on forcing the kids to come somewhere they don't want to be, blackmailed using my birthday as an excuse!

I am really thinking about bailing on him tomorrow and going out to meet my friends. The kids would not mind. But H would be furious. I don't know what to do! (apologies for the looooong rant and I know that I cannot ask anyone to tell me what to do! but I wish i could....)

OMG been writing that off and on all evening while the thread moved on and on-- many congrats to charlotte with your internet and sofa! Well done!

but re-reading, please don't feel that you've thrown the DCs in the deep end, it will take adjustments but you're still just finding your feet-- it will take getting used to but I am sure that removing yourself from the abuse and therefore allowing yourself to grow as a person must be better for ALL of you, in the long run...

What an utter FW, thats! It's really really not you, it's totally him. It just has to be entirely about him, doesn't it? Everything! No matter that it's your birthday, you still have to soothe his ego, have no plans for yourself or at least drop them joyfully the moment he deigns to remember you exist.

I think you should go and meet your friends, too. But it's your decision - you know what the consequences from FW are likely to be like and if it's therefore worth it. But if you do decide to go, think of that time as a little advance on your freedom!

thanks Charlotte, at the moment it looks like I'll be sleeping on the sofa tonight and we'll see how things look in the morning. Freedom would be so lovely, it would just be nice to make a decision without having to consider first and foremost what HE thinks. I'm meeting someone from WA on Tuesday so trying to keep calm until after I've hashed out a few things but am seriously tempted to go out tomorrow and not come back!

Oh goodness Thats. I'm so sorry that he is being so awful. I have little experience in these things besides my own (and I am not free yet) so don't feel I can offer anything but some support and empathy. I know just how you feel, he is being unreasonable enough but it's doubly worse because it's your birthday. My belief is that on your birthday you should be treated royally and everyone should be as lovely as possible to you. If you feel possible then make the choice to do what you would like to to for your day.

I am currently writing this from under a blanket on the sofa which will be my bed for the night so I really do feel for you. I have a huge presentation tomorrow that I am terrified about and instead of a restful early night we had a huge row (because I dared to stick up for my feelings) he is now asleep and I've been trying to stop crying on and off for 2 hours.... If nothing else but for the sake of my face not being a puffy wreck tomorrow!

Morning all,
I'm sad to hear of others in my position. I hope we all get freedom soon. Congrats not he broadband! thats sending hugs

I phoned up the local one stop shop for family information, and I have a appointment with them for benifits stuff, I get the feeling they will take to me about other stuff too. They surgested I phoned the council as they can help, but I can't face that now. Also next week I have a viewing for a private rented place.

Do I take what I can get or wait for something better???
Also P is really nice again, I just think I'm going mad. That I'm over reacting, that I'm geting paranoid, generally losing my mind. I'm not perfect, and far from it, I know I'm not making it up, so why is my head say I'm being silly?? Or it's me being 'more studdon than an ass'

Thanks for letting me vent, I'm feeling confused.

Albienon, I increasingly came to the conclusion that such rows were engineered deliberately, they happen late at night, you get distressed and the FW sleeps righteously on. Countless numbers of those. Hope you are okay this morning.

thats, agree, he has made your birthday all about him, but with vague nonexistent plans. to you, hope you work something it which works for you.