Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

rose, sorry you're feeling so bad. As a complete outsider I would say change your number, you sound like a perfectly normal nice person and he doesn't.

From a practical point of view, does your childminder have any contacts you could use? My dc has just started with a childminder and seems to have a network of childminders. Or does your uni have a creche that you could use until you have other arrangements in place?

I'm feeling down for my friend today. She sent me a document that she's sent off officially and her OH has apparently proof read it. Well my friend has a good reason for needing the letter proof read but her OH has certainly not done it. This is the second time he's proof read something and mistakes have been left in, last time it cost her a job, this time I don't know.

I feel very sad that he thinks so little of her or doesn't care enough to want to help. There's a line she put in that just spells out how he feels but obviously she can't see that.

He has plenty of time to help too and they have no Dc yet so there's no excuse really. For my friend, Dc is the next step.

Thank you ahandful...

I just remembered my university has a crèche, just called them and asked if they could take her. And they said they would, but it will cost me £20 for them to look after her for just an hour tomorrow. And £20 for them to just look after her for 2 hours on Friday (they only do it by sessions not hourly rate)...

Childminder has just started her business, so hasn't got her network set up yet. And feel sick at the thought of DD going somewhere when she doesn't even know the people.

He wants me to fail my course, I can see it.

I don't know where you are in UK but I found my childminder from a council website, they had a list, might be worth a look? Also Facebook have a page local to me with a childminding group in it, try there too. Could you phone student union, they might have contacts too. Maybe phone whoever in charge of your studies and explain your situation re childcare, if you have to miss a session/hours you could always make it up elsewhere. I am in a similar profession and remember from my course if we were down on hours we could make it up at the end, yours might be same?

rose did you talk to anyone at the uni - either at the Student Union (if they still call it that) or even in your department? FW Cannot be part of your support network, you need to build a new one. names' is surely right about CM knowing others.

names how frustrating about your friend. His previous proof-reading cost her her job, and she's asked him to do it again?! Does the fact that he has 'plenty of time to help' indicate possible cocklodging?

Just to add, what he wants isn't important. But just imagine how proud your DD will be when she's telling her friends her mum is a midwife.

He does work silvery but gets my friend to do all household tasks that he is incapable of, or just can't be bothered doing. He doesn't know how to use washing machine, gets confused with how much powder to use, etc.

But all I can keep thinking of, why would she be proud of an abusive mum. And fw has taken pictures of bruises that I apparently gave him when I was trying to wrestle him out the house. So I am sure he will show her those one day. How could I have been so stupid and foolish to think this man would be a good father. He is anything but, and I am all alone here.

rose You. Are. Not. Abusive.

I second what silvery said.

Another thought, is your uni connected to a hospital, they might have a creche you could use or know of a list of childminders.

Thank you for all the support, I really appreciate it. Just bleached the kitchen and cried my eyes out while I was doing it. Pathetic.

Haven't read through properly yet Rose but no, not pathetic - if you don't cry it makes you more sad inside. Next time you want to cry, actually TRY to cry. My friend said it to me yesterday and every time I felt like crying today (about every ten minutes!) I TRIED to cry. Cried for maybe ten seconds, stopped, was able to do other things. Your ex sounds horrible

Rose have you tried talking to someone at the IMO about your situation? They may be able to help. You should be as truthful as possible and not worry about them thinking you are an abuser. They will have experience in abusive relationships and should be able to help you find assistance, if not with childcare, then with dealing with the situation xx

Oh Rose, think about the logic of this, sweetie. If you were abusive, he would be concerned about dd in your care, he would be jumping at the opportunity to take her, he would want to see her and that she was okay.

He is not doing this because actually, he knows you are a good person, you are a good mum. He knows you are not really abusive.

On the other hand, if he were not abusive, he would be wanting to see his dd, and he would not be using (lack of ) childcare support as a way of bringing you down. His motives would be doing what was best for dd.

Have you read Stalking the Soul? It basically says there are two ways of responding in an abusive relationship, submissively or by countering the abuse, which can mean behaving in unpleasant ways. I got very shouty in the last year of my marriage, I literally panicked with stress, and would start getting shouty. When I realised I was doing it, I started to breathe through the panic not to freak out, and controlled the shouting that way, but it felt very stressful inside. Since leaving, and as time passes, I don't remember when I last shouted.

I am not proud of shouty me, I much prefer calm me, as do dcs. But it was a clear signal to me that things were wrong and needed to change. You have made the changes, he is trying to drag you back. You can respond me countering the claims, or you can ignore. I am presuming you manhandled him out the door of your house. In which case, let him have his pictures and don't engage in any discussion. DD will grow up knowing calm Rose, who cares for her. The pictures won't mean anything to her.They mean something to you because they take you back to a situation you did not want to be in, and which you fought to leave. They are his attempt to not let you move on. Everything he says is his attempt not to let you move on.

What about babysitter.co.uk, there is a monthly fee, which is less than £20, and my recollection is that they will find a sitter local to you, you can then build up a relationship with? That might work for emergencies?

rose I agree with inthe and this I literally panicked with stress, and would start getting shouty. When I realised I was doing it, I started to breathe through the panic not to freak out, and controlled the shouting that way, but it felt very stressful inside. Since leaving, and as time passes, I don't remember when I last shouted.

I was only telling the court peeps the other day that my exfw would use shock tactics and that I learned to brace myself as he was waiting for that reaction - it really does take a lot of strength and a long time to get used to if you can - it is really hard. Cry it out, bleech it out - it's a horrible thing you are oing through but you are going in the right direction I know it does not feel like it.

Rose sweetie, hope you are ok tonight. Seconding everything that has already been said, especially what quietcoach said. I think every single one of us has been accused of being the abusive one. It's another technique to put us down.
Ignore it, ignore him, don't answer the phone to him - if he wants to see DD he can text you.

badseeds I have been off the thread for a bit so haven't caught up properly, but just wanted to say hugely well done. Stay strong.

Hi pony nice to see you
Things are all going wrong on the case front but I feel ok and not sure why

Oh dear better sorry to hear that - but good that you feel ok. Calm, calm, calm... Keep the faith. It'll all come good, I'm sure of it.

Thanks ponygirl

Inthequietcoach, what you said makes so much sense. When you're in the middle of it, it is so hard to see that unless someone points it out to you, isn't it!

My lightbulb moments have been;

Realising I sing when he is not around, and don't when he is for fear of disapproval or comment;

Realising how happy I am when away from him;

Finding this thread!! My MIL (who is brilliant) said she thinks I have been detaching for a while. I'd say a few years although in my head I was calling myself dramatic and unnecessary for doing it. When I found this thread and read the descriptions of emotional abuse, I saw a pattern right through our marriage, and a light went out in me.

I am lucky in that I have been living as a single parent for the last two years, with him working away and coming back at weekends. I had a wobble about whether telling him over the phone would be bad; however I knew that if I got drawn into an argument he would convince me I was wrong, he would try harder etc and I would have to go through it all again.

Comments on this thread have helped; in my mind I keep saying DO NOT ENGAGE which is helpful as currently he's trying to force me to discuss details. He wanted to stay over at weekends and I have said no. He can easily stay at his mum's and come here to see the kids, my amazing friend has said I can go there for as long as I like. He tried to tell me he needed to stay for the 'best bit' of the day, bedtime; his involvement in bedtime has mostly been to get impatient and wait for me to get done with reading stories etc so he can have me to himself!

I've got a party to organise for one of the DCs which will keep me happy and make me feel accomplished for pulling it off. Again, he wants to go but I said no, he can make his own arrangements for her actual birthday, because it would be weird and awkward.

He was trying to get me to feel sorry for him yesterday, am I a bad person etc. I don't think he is a bad person but his relationship with me has been horrible. But I'm staying neutral. Have told him to see a counsellor at uni as he was saying he had nobody to talk to. It's so hard not to feel bad! I keep having to steel myself.

Anyway sorry this is really long, I thought if I talked through the process it might be helpful to others? Not wanting to hog the thread, I have ADD and sometimes seem rude or selfish so please tell me if I am coming across like that as it actually helps me not to do it so much!

Haven't actually sorted money out yet. My friend is going to help me apply for Jobseeker's today. I knew I'd have problems (anything like a form is hard for me) so I hope we can get it all done and sorted today

Also - I'm not eating and not sleeping well. Am aware I am on a bit of a giddy high as I get this with my ADD anyway due to problems with normal dopamine uptake. Going to see my GP today. I do have antidepressants but have been not taking them for the last few days because they make me dopey; have had them today though as feel I need to calm down. I am expecting a bit of a crash at some point. I have disordered eating and at the moment feel like I'm avoiding eating deliberately; I'm not hungry though! Wondering whether going for a gentle run today will help me be calmer, or tire me out. Has anyone had sleeping meds from their GP, are they unpleasant? I am on stimulant medication for my condition and can't nap through the day. Last night my DD woke me in the early hours after I'd been up late so am going to try to be careful with myself today.

Am going to have a word with school today and explain that I will struggle to get homework etc done, and make sure the kids don't get any grief for this. If I expect things to be messy for a few weeks, that should stop me being stressed and critical with myself. I have done no cleaning and not much washing. But am having lots of cuddles and fun with the kids. I think that's better

Thank you for the support again, I am going to go with the emergency childcare at the university. Once registered with them, I can use them at any time (office hours only)...

Thank you to whoever it was who suggested it, it completely escaped my mind that my university has a crèche.

InTheQuietCoach - Thank you for your post. I asked him why he has chosen to leave DD with me, if I am so abusive and he said ' I know you wouldn't be abusive to her'

Yesterday evening, he said he would look after DD if I dropped her to his. He then proceeded to ignore all my phone calls. So I sent a text saying ' on my way' to call his bluff. And shortly after that I got a text back saying ' You have not had my permission to come here. You will not be let in. Turn around and go back' I mean, how controlling is that? Obviously, me and DD were feet up on the sofa and weren't going anywhere. But I tested him, and it just goes to show HE is the one playing silly controlling games, and he clearly doesn't care about DD at all. I just switched my phone off.

Now I am really starting to see the Jeckyll and Hyde character. It was only a few days ago he was saying ' No matter what I say to you, you will always be special. Remember that'

If I am honest, I am no longer hurt that this man doesn't love me, because I don't love him. I was in love with the idea of being in love with him. I actually don't like this man at all. I am just hurt for my DD, as I grew up without a dad and I really missed having a male role model. I had a step father, but he wasn't that great either (but that's another thread). And I am dreading all the questions she will ask me about her dad, and why he doesn't bother with her. Obviously he will make sure he blames me for the reason why he doesn't see her.

rose glad you are feeling better. The uni crèche sounds a great idea. At least now you're registered you can call on them whenever you need = less stress = happier and easier life for you.

I second quiets moment if inspiration. If you were abusive there is no chance he'd leave his dd with you. And when you showed 'weakness' needing is help he'd be there before you'd put the phone down.

I've worried about being the abusive one too. I really think we all do. It's part of the textbook methods to keep us down :(

better sorry to hearthe case isn't going well but look how far you've come if you're not letting it get you down. I too think it will work out in the end. Courts must have seen every form of fw going.

Yay rose that is great about uni childcare and I bet DD will make some nice friends and you will make mum friends too
It is hard not to let the bad stuff dominate - please remind me of that every day but you have so much to look forward to.
I think what I found most shocking was that once I had `got' what was going on and who this person was, I saw it so clear and it isn't pretty - even though I was out it looked sort of worse - but the good news is you don't have to see it very often and I would imagine less and less.
Thanks pony and bounty think I am expereincing forced mindfulness - as so many days were bad the last few weeks, I grab the good ones and make the most of it I know a bad wave is on it's wave. Im being asked to agree to things I will not by people who have a big say so I guess that it was they are going to recommend iygwim. It isn't over till the lady starts singing but I think she is tunning up.

better. to you.

badseeds, can dcs go to his mum's for contact?