Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Ok, I am going to fess up...I haven't caught up on the thread, just sooo busy.

But has Charlotte moved out? How is she?

I was here before, I am here again, the cycle begins again. the ignoring, the dismissing my emotions and making me feel bad for being ill. I was badly sick last week, for 7 days and my FW is both making me feel bad about having been ill as it has disrupted his work schedule whilst being very un-bothered about how I feel about having been ill(very tired, got lots of work on myself actually and still managed to cook your parents a full on roast dinner whilst you had a hangover....thanks for asking FW). last night, after a fight over a potato. DS wanted a whole one, I explained they are too hot, DS has hissy fit, FW panders to it, telling me I am really stubborn and he doesn't see why I wont just do it, I try to explain why not.....he tells me I am being pathetic. I gave DS the potato. DS then proceeded to kick off about EVERYTHING else because that's all he wanted ATTENTION! he is 3 FFS. Course I feel like I am blowing it out of proportion but what I am actually being is a good parent and I am being denied the opportunity to do so by the person who is supposed to support me. Later on, when I am getting ready to go out, I hear him with the kids upstairs (he thinks I have gone out) say to DS "stop whinging you really need to grow up" WTF?!?!?! How confusing for DS. His dad is one minute treating like an incapable child, next minute telling him to grow up with no explanation as to what that statement actually means. and he doesn't need to grow up his FW father does!
sorry, you barely know me, but I have lurked since thread 21.

I am viewing a house tonight to move into. it might not happen, so far I have been laughed at by people as I have very little money and 2 kids. funfunfunfun!!! got told I blew everything out of proportion and scared the children last night. no opportunity to talk about WHY I felt like that. just that I was wrong.....I am always wrong. everything is fine as long as I apologise. gaslight central in this house.

tweedle that is positive, that you are looking at a house. Just keep plugging away, it sounds like you are taking the first steps to freedom, first in your head, then in real life. Try not to engage with FW, nod and smile.

tweedle I remember you :) I guess the sad thing is that it never goes away. Sometimes there are 'good' patches and we can kid ourselves that things are getting better. But in reality it doesn't take long for behaviour to start to disintegrate again

Hi everyone...remember me? I just thought I'd stop by to wish you all the very best and to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel

xxx

ooh, there is light?? in a freedom sense?

Hi Bertie here's to everyone living in the light!

Yes there is lots of light in Bertie land now. I'm happy

FW is now FWExH. He moved out 6 months ago, and the final divorce came through a few days after he left. He's still a FW (obviously) and every week or so aims a toddler trantrum at me. But now his anger can only get to me by text and I have learned to ignore it (thanks to my wonderful counsellor). In a strange way the fact that he's carried on being horrible to me just confirms to me that I made the right decision in ending the relationship

I stayed in the marital home (it's now all mine and I've had some major DIY done to make it really feel like mine). I am now free to invite friends round whenever I want and I often have family to stay. Everyone comments on how calm and relaxing my home is now...

DS (5) has dealt with it all amazingly. He had a couple of wobbles early on but he's now really happy and doing great at school (FW appears to be caring for DS very well when he's with him, but I'm keeping a close eye on the situation just in case).

I am enjoying life. I am enjoying freedom. I would never have thought I could say this but I am happy on my own.

So ladies...I just want to share this with you: These men will always be abusive. It's not our fault that they treat us this way. They will continue whatever we do. But there will reach a point when you will just know that you've had enough. It won't be easy but with some support you can get away from them and rebuild a new life. You CAN do it.

Good luck to you all! Cheers!

(I've been free for over a year now, and to my surprise my love life has re-ignited )

bertie that is so good to hear. I need a good talking to! This may sound crazy but I wish my FW would go back to being all bad as it would make leaving seem so much clearer in my head.

Hello, you lovely people! I'm just logging on from the library, and have to go back to the laundrette in a minute, so can't stay long - wish I could read through and see how you're all doing now I'm here!

Anyway, things are not easy, but I feel so much better having my own space and I have had a number of comments that I look much happier, which was a bit surprising, as I didn't think I'd obviously been walking under a cloud before.

I will update properly when I get internet at home - it was supposed to be today (this is a FW-with-dcs weekend, so I was planning a long catch-up with you all!) but phone company have foiled my plans by messing up the order... Hopefully it won't be long now!

Love to you all. xx

Hi,

I'm not in an emotionally abusive relationship myself but have a friend who is in one and is just starting to see it herself.I thought I'd ask you lot what can I do to help her without hurting her or pushing her away?

Sorry if I shouldn't have posted here, just seemed like you would be the best placed people to tell me how to help her without making things worse.

No apology necessary, OneUp. Have you read the info on the top link? (though it sounds like your friend may not be quite ready to read it).

Listen to your friend (which I'm sure you do), and give her validation if you agree that what she's telling you is not nice behaviour from her DP.

My Dh is verbally abusive. He is also, currently depressed about his work situation. Has been for years, does nothing about it. The only temporary respite he gets is to sit me down, shout at me, and point out all my faults and add a few more.
I have seen a therapist who said I didn't need to listen to the abuse, and to imagine a protective boundary around me that him and his abuse couldn't cross.
I either get out or try and stay calm when it happens, but it really upsets me.
I don't know how to act when he goes back to " normal" because if I mention that I am upset he accuses me of dragging it up again, and that makes me pretty much on a par with him. I am just supposed to live through the bile and act as if nothing happened.
Somehow he thinks that his behaviour is just part of a normal relationship. That's just how people act. Well, I don't believe that!
He has had a lot of therapy, anger management etc. We've had couples counselling and nothing ever changes.
I've read enough to know it's not my fault, and am actually quite confident, given the circumstances.
I just need to know how to behave in the day or so after one of these outbursts.
Why am I still married to him? Because the rest of the time, when he is not exercising his temper, we get on well.

helza, you get on well other times, because his outlet for stress is abusing you . It is a cycle.
Do you have dc?
I can't give you adviseI'll no on how to handle that kind of behaviour, other than remove yourself from it. Are you treading on eggshells when he doesn't blow up?

oneup you are a good friend - I can't really add anything to what silvery said as she has it spot on apart from my friends validated what I told them and they were shocked, more shocked than me, I didn't see it as being as bad as it was at first even though I told friends about `incidents' I was shocked how shocked they were. I feel sad that I am not in touch with one of them anymore - the one who really did see it for what it was, very early on .
It is so damaging on so many levels.
helza for me it was knowing that the next wave was going to come that was frightening. I am still in the same position now out but in a court battle over DC. The longer the gap the bigger the wave usually is.
At the moment I don't get the nice bit inbetween with him but I did and it wasn't worth it for me. I am sorry you are having to go through this - as you say his depression is something he has to sort out and he is not doing that at the moment you can only make your own choices about you and the good news is you can do that. You don't have to rush into anything, I think it is good you are thinking about it.

helza are you sure he's depressed. For a long time I told people my fw was depressed and I truly believed it. But gradually have realised he's not, it's just a way of excusing the bad behaviour that's not quite as bad as the truly abusive bits :( . I think I, gradually learning that we can't live with it and still remain the person we really are - they destroy a bit of us.

charlotte fantastic news! I was so pleased to hear on here that your move day had gone well. I'm sure there have been teething issues and sadness too, but how does it feel to be in your Own Home :) . Hope the dc have settled well and that the first dad-weekend hasn't unsettled them. And that your Internet provider pulls his finger out and gets you connected again. Update again soon please!:) :) :)

bounty, more than a bit of us. If I stop and think about the level of control, and the way he is still trying to control the situation, the stark truth is that he does not recognise me or DS other than how we fit with his needs. Remaining in the marriage would have destroyed me. Fighting my way out (which I am still doing) is both a recognition of the level of control and a recovery of me. There are not words to describe what I think of it.

I do not know if it is about my destruction, or more likely, that I am collateral damage in his quest to get what he wants and make things work for him. I think it is the latter, he truly has no compassion or understanding beyond his needs. In some ways, he is utterly lost and always will be. But I don't want to be the one who makes it okay for him; to an extent DS has to be, and I have to balance that with love and validation for who DS is.

That maybe sounds over dramatic, and far removed from where you are, but I am not sure I would have held this view when I was still in it; felt it, maybe, but not understood it.

Bounty Better and Quiet Coach, thank you so much for replying. It was a bad weekend. The depression is not chronic, but circumstantial, and always linked to how things are going at work.
We recently returned from a job transfer to another country. It was supposed to be for a limited time. I agreed because I thought it would make him happy, and gave up my job. While there he decided, without any discussion that he wanted (us) to stay there forever. I fought very hard for us to move back ( it had been five years!) and we did. So he now thinks that that is the source of his unhappiness and we live with the big myth that I have ruined his life because I didn't want to stay forever. It always comes up when he shouts. It doesn't bother me much because I can see it for the nonsense it is, and if he wants to spin out that story then let him!
I've become quite hardened to it all, which is affecting me in the "normal times".
So, mostly job related tantrums! No DCs, one is married, the other one is a young adult and still lives with us (modern times!) doing well, but has had his own problems (proper clinical depression ) and handles his DF quite well.
Treading on eggshells? Yes! It's as if you are trained by the anger in how to do things the "right" way.

Just had to share I have been reading this website cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2013/10/18/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship-where-the-abuse-is-hard-to-recognise/ it has some excellent discussion of abuse, interestingly from a website based on an evangelical christian point of view. I am not particularly religious but it shows great insight to the issue of abuse (very Lundy-esque). I'm feeling 'validated' right now. Also am speaking to an outreach worker from Women's Aid, cannot meet with her until next week as OH is working then when he isn't working he wants me with him at all times. (Got a brief respite this morning which I'm taking full advantage of! ie not cleaning toilets as am supposed to be doing.)

Haven't read up on everything but well done charlotte for taking control of your life!

Also simple clear message on domestic abuse! excellent information.

helz isn't it awful when you realize that you have totally different ideas on something so fundamental as where to live and there cannot be any rational compromise... you have my sympathy. So he'll always 'blame' you for not staying in the other place and there is no way you can respond to that... My H always called the shots until we needed to move to a certain location to ensure the kids had good schools, now they're both at uni so he wants to sell up. I've realized that he expects me to be amenable to his suggestions of where we should live but now it's become clear that if I look at what I REALLY want-- we have such different views that I can only see the solution as being two separate homes.

Thatsnot, that video is very good!

helza, yes, you are trained to do things the right way. It is funny, after I left, it took me a long time to stop the voice in my head that said I had to do things 'his' way. We have some chaos as we try to work out the new way, which is not my way but my way, plus dc way.

Secondly, you know, he could have stayed. He made the choice to come back with you, you did not force him. If he is that unhappy, he can look at opportunities to transfer back, while you stay in the UK. But he is choosing to remain in an unhappy position and make you feel responsible for it. You are not.

Yes, I agree, and that is why I take it with a pinch of salt, after five years as I said then "I'm coming home, I've done my time!".
I don't challenge his thinking, it's not worth it, but the hard thing was being isolated abroad with nobody to tell him that what he was doing was unreasonable.
Time has told that it was the best decision, for me and DS2. He is only just embarking on a normal life that he can control and is in his mid twenties. I am happier. One takes a lot for granted about being in the UK. We have healthcare whether we are employed or not, and the freedom to work. This doesn't happen when you are on a visa in another country.