Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Well tomorrow will be exactly 2 months since I made the brave decision to leave. Time to wrap this up for good now, will take your advice. No response unless regarding DD. I am sure he will just disappear now though...Will look at getting a back up childminder now that the SIL is showing me who she is, she has only had DD twice, and both times she has made me feel like it was a big deal. Really don't need this or care for it, I have even offered to give her money when she gave DD dinner once (madness), I gave her husband 8 beers, and offered to take her children anytime she needs a babysitter, bearing in mind I have not had a night out myself in god knows how long. It just feels like one big transaction, not what I thought she would be like as this is not what family is all about. Or is it? And I am upset that she has acted like this after the first time I called in an emergency, this is not after 4/5 times of asking for a favour. Looks like it will be back to just me and DD again, with no support whatsoever as I will never ask her for help again.

I mean, bviously, you don't take the piss with your family members. But she recently said ' I guess I will feed her then' this was in regards to giving DD some dinner when she took her for 3 hours. That was sent to me over facebook, and that sentence just would not even pop into my head, if the situation was reversed. When her 3 children came round mine, I was busy filling them up with cheese and toast, juice, etc. Not a problem at all, they are children and If I have it, I will give it. Guess not everyone is like me. My mum always said I was too kind. I am starting to think family is so overrated.

There are lots of people like you rose. It seems like SIL is not one of them, so keeping away sounds a good idea.

Are there any other mums on your course, or maybe related courses? Might the Student Union have some help or information? It's quite common for post-grads to have kids, so there might well be help at hand.

I guess i'll find out once i've seen the psychiatrist Arth - I'm writing without crying now, and hoping that will last so I can come a join in a bit more! big luffs to all.

Hi fi keep strong.
rose well done for putting the phone on silent - yy what silvery said about projection.
I am going to have to make some big changes to my life and I need to start making them asap, it was so settled, how the court think this helps DS I do not know - DS is a nightmare to deal with right now and whilst I feel every inch of his pain I have to try and keep boundaries. Looks like a job and house move are going to come quickly, FW's ally is being spoken to by SS, why they don't put so much pressure on FW I don't know. FW is getting what he wanted, breaking up a life that seemed to him much better than his, he loves causing trouble. So many people are shocked by all this, how can the state do this to people.

Hi, just wondering if anyone could give me some advice? Have realised that I've been blaming my MH problems for how miserable my relationship is. I want to get out but although he isn't violent I've realised my only reason for not doing this yet is his temper. After counselling for low self esteem I can finally see he has been using this and other methods to control me and keep me here.

Is there any help or support I can access to get me through this? I have a mild learning disorder which makes life difficult and will be a problem for me regarding finances etc. I'm pretty sure I will be emotionally fragile and don't want to sink back into depression. I have young children. And the actual doing of it scares the crap out of me, purely because of what his behaviour will be - surely that's a huge warning sign anyway?

Sending you strength Fi
and to you Better

Rose get a new sim and move your life over to that.
Do not give the new number to FW.
Put the old sim in a shit £2.50 phone; keep this phone in a locked drawer, turned off . Only turn it on if/when you have to and when someone else is with you to read any texts with/for you.

Hello badseeds - my own mh problems were in large part caused by my marriage, at least for the last couple of decades. My depression went overnight when I filed petition (to be replaced by stress, and then, when he'd gone, happiness) so I know he was the major cause. I had a depressed childhood and young adulthood, and had thought my mh was a continuation of this. It wasn't. In fact FW used my mh against me as an aid to, and justification of, his verbal, emotional and financial abuse.

It's great that counselling has helped you see what's going on, and helped you recover some self-esteem. There is no hurry for the time being, take your time to think about stuff, and post on here. What are your circumstances re housing and work atm?

Soothsayer, thank you, I've never spoken to anyone in this position and it's a huge thing to hear that from someone else. I got a bit teary

Currently he has been working part time and studying for something that will be finishing soon. He has been away during the week while doing this as we moved to be in a better area and near his mum. We rent and at the moment qualify for housing benefit. We are somewhat in debt but no loans or mortgages currently. I want to end it before he comes home full time as currently he sees the DCs part-time anyway and I think it might be practical and less hard on them. He will probably try to make me feel guilty about leaving him in the lurch at an already stressful time; I am worried about this. I know that I am often too eager to please and easygoing and I will need to not be.

I don't work currently as it has not been worth paying for childcare if I did. Kids all at school since september. I drive but we struggle to afford the car. I have one good friend nearby and may have some support from his mum although I am not counting on this if we separate. I'm willing to work if it means things are better but I'm not good at processing information in an ordered way; I get overwhelmed and frustrated, upset. It's common for people to take advantage of this.

How did you find the courage to end it? Did you have support?

Does this sound familiar - OH has been grumpy and nasty with me all morning, not happy when I pointed out he was shouting at me over something very petty and then tried to continue by bringing in other things I should have done (that he could deal with himself but chooses not to). All morning I have been steeling myself and preparing to tell him it's over. Then he comes through without an apology but obviously having got over his mood, is pleasant to me and immediately I feel like I am making a mistake, maybe I am over thinking it and I even start getting upset at myself for 'trying to make it worse' in my head, and exaggerating?! This happens all the time and is why we are still together. It makes me unsure of myself and he is very good at telling me I'm wrong, I'm being dramatic, I'm a miserable cow etc. But if I am happier when he isn't here, that's not my fault, is it? God this is hard.

badseeds yes very familiar. They can switch on/off the nice behaviour at will.

I would advise keeping a diary of nasty things he says and does. Because it is so hard to leave and then when you feel like you are certain they start being nice and you find yourself minimising the behaviour. We seem programmed to remember the good times more clearly than the bad.

If you write down things he does/says that hurt you and how they make you feel then you can read back at times when you are doubting yourself and it confirms that you are not just being over dramatice etc. It helps me anyway

Bounty in the past I have tried to do this but due to my cognitive problems have often forgotten to keep it up or have gone back to it and felt I was being unfair! It might be good now that I am a bit stronger though, thank you. It's good to know that this isn't my fault.

welcome badseeds you were asking about support?
You will get loads here, and loads of affirmations about how well you are doing in a hellish situation, because you are.

You'll also find that all the things you struggle with in this relationship will be the same as others on here, and that is huge to know.

MH issues are huge in these circumstances amongst women, and its always used as the 'excuse for abuse'! I think nearly 80% of women in secure mental health units are there as a direct result of domestic abuse.

Keep writing, like Bounty says, the writing really helps the processing.

my low self-esteem has frozen me, I don't understand why the lovelies here, call me lovely! I am working on that, and it shouldn't be work should it...

Above all, the only thing that matters badseeds is your feelings, and your listening to them, if you are happier then that would seem the correct path to follow [for you, not him] He is an adult unbelievably and treating him as one allows you to be free to act independently, detaching from the guilt trips he's so good at.

We each end it when we are ready to. When we've just had enough [for whatever reason or just that, had enough].

When you're ready there's other support in RL too, and thats very important.

FairyFi thanks so much! How do I go about getting RL support - I think I need some counselling or help to make me more confident with this. I feel like I'd be wasting Women's Aid's time - or is that my low self esteem talking?

Also have you had any counselling for your low self esteem? I had some through the NHS and from having thought I was too good at putting myself down for it to work, I have found it hugely helpful. I'd recommend trying it to anyone.

badseeds def the self esteem talking :) I think every single person on here has said that they shouldn't bother WA as they are there for the 'real abuse' victims. We all seem to think that we only deserve help once were beaten to a pulp or threatened at knife point :(

Bounty you're right, I think I'll get in touch after the weekend. They might be able to point me in the right direction anyway. I can't stay in this situation any more. Thank you all for the support, you all sound lovely (whether or not you think you are!)

when you can hear your feelings, like you have voiced here, and then listen to them and then act on them....

your self-esteem rockets

Sorry for the late update. He was not angry about the car. Apparently the mark was there already. Sometimes when I expect the worst it doesn't happen .

This weekend he was around. We went on a day trip somewhere. On the way home he asked me where we should go on holiday. I said I don't know, Italy? Spain?

He was angry. Because I said Italy. Apparently I always mention Italy and this is annoying. I mean wtf? How am I supposed to know that? And what is that anyway.

Today something got knocked over in the fridge. More anger. I am a shit housewife (true) I need to get a grip etc. I should be happy to do the housework. He wants me to go see a solicitor.

Anytime I am not doing something on the house he asks me what I am doing and yet he slept till 11 this morning and is sleeping again now.

I was meant to have the weekend off because he didn't bother to get me a gift for my birthday. Today has gone. Now he is saying I can't go tomorrow because he has to get ready for his trip away next week.

I must go and talk to a solicitor next week when he is away.

I relate to that badseeds. It's like he senses when he has pushed too far and gets super nice. It is confusing and it makes me think I should just hang in there. Sad thing is that when it is good it is good. We have a nice time. It just never stays that way for long.

Iamrose your sil sounds awful. I would steer well clear. No help is better than bad help that is given so reluctantly.

Had really bad day DS is playing me up like he never has in his life can't get him to open up other than him to say he wants on the fwittery issues with exfw to stop and he can just be as he was before. I'm so upset, I'm really struggling.
Sorry to just barge in

Icepole god your OH sounds like mine used to be - telling me I could go out etc then making it all about him and on his terms so I wouldn't end up getting what we'd agreed anyway. What are you going to say to a solicitor, sorry I haven't had chance to read through this thread and don't know your situation?

Betterthanever you're not barging in on me, how old is your DS?

I just want to find out what I am dealing with financially if we split. I am very afraid of not managing without him. But we are not getting on and I am tired of being treated this way.

The other day he was saying he feels I don't appreciate the work he does. I assured him I did and said that I feel the same way. He looked at me and said 'What do you do?' He says housework and childcare are part of my DNA and not work and I should be happy to do them. I am happy to be with the kids. I will never be happy doing housework and the reality is a lot of my day is quite dull. I want to be able to do other things to but he won't let me.

He's 8 bad