Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh I see - I really got the wrong end of the stick there huh? Very strange how your H has blocked that part of that day out but - like you say - your lovely DD and her wonderful achievement is the thing to focus on. You must be so proud Is she the type to be homesick or was she ready for the big move?

H is usually open to discussion but very closed minded on this one - I'm not going to bring it up and cause more stress for myself, just arrange things the way I want them and tackle the talks as and when they come up. Fingers crossed it won't be the battle I'm anticipating.

I am currently on page 10 and working my way through this thread...

I have got all evening, and a bottle of cloudy lemonade so I am sure I will make it through

FW is being a FW. Lot's of controlling games going on at the moment. I sent him a this text this afternoon " Ok well I need to have clear arrangements regarding DD when you say " I don't know when I can see her' its not really good enough for me. If you want I can just disappear now, and then I will raise DD by myself. Definitely don't want to feel like I never know when you will be in touch. That is not fair on me or DD"

No response. Rose shows a bit of self-respect and I get passive aggression in response, some things NEVER change. It has got to the point, where I would actually prefer if he didn't bother with DD at all now. I don't want that man in my face as a reminder until she is 18. .

I am thoroughly, thoroughly fed up with this man. In the last 8 weeks since leaving, he has been rude to me, left me in the shit with childcare, as well as money, shouted at me, said that ' I am the issue' when explaining why he doesn't call to speak to DD or make any contact. Cut me off on Skype, played control games with his mobile, turning it off, and then texting me with a time that it will be on etc, and now he has resorted to an power-trip egotistical attitude; he currently oscillates between ' I don't have to care about how you are anymore, sorry' and then reverting back to blaming, and saying ' that's what you would like isn't it? for me to disappear so you can brush it all under the carpet and look down your nose at me' This man is very, very angry with me, and it seems he is never going to let me forget ' what I have done to him' since I am abusive, violent and especially since he ' can't get past these negative memories'.

I really don't know what to do, but I just feel like I want to change my number and just bring DD up on my own, because he offers no support with her parenting, and £5.00 a week is not financial support either. I don't want this man to feel like he has some sort of control over me, and any influence he has will effect me mentally. I can't allow him to ruin my performance on this course that I worked so hard for. Today I couldn't bring myself to go into uni, because I spent all night crying about something he said. You can tell he absolutely loves telling me 'he doesn't love me', because it's the way he says ' sorry' at the end of it . Why I am upset about it I don't know. Why do I even want to his man to love me? I still feel terribly confused about everything, as I am on the waiting list for counselling.

Sorry if this sounds all confusing, just needed to get it all out.

Hey rose nice to hear from you but so sorry that he has been doing all this. He has thrown everything at you, every FW thing he could possibly do - yes it seems very much like control to me and panic in that he isn't quite sure how to but determined to run things.
I have had a FW fortnight and tbh I need to rest up and try and get a clear head about what to do I hope it will come to me. I know have people trying to brainwash change my DS's opinion of things which brave DS sees clearly.
You don't need to know what to do right now. He hasn't offered any sensible solution how to co-parent DD and that is the only thing he has any right to discuss with you. My exfw is very, very angry with me - we have not been voluntarily in each other's company for over 9 years! They never let it go.
I know how much you have tried to put a regular pattern of contact together and he choses not to take this up you can do NO more. My only advice would be to keep it all in writing between you if you can, only talk about DD and if he goes onto something else try and not answer that bit. Maybe set times to contact you via emaill too maybe once a week and then the rest of the time do not think about him if you can and just asign that part of the week to trying to reply to his email if it is appropriate. A normal person would accept the relationship is over and not have all that anger, it is pointless - so he must see a point in it and that is to upset you. Keep strong - you are doing better than you think.

these are for you rose

Thank you better, feeling so low right now. Just got a message from him telling me to 'fuck off with my mind games and bullshit'.

I just got this " Go away Rose, you've had a good stab at trying to ruin my life but you've failed and I'm still here - using my daughter to try and finish the job is exactly your style but it wont wash. You're a selfish, controlling woman and you don't give a shit who you hurt. I don't want to be persecuted anymore'.

I have never stopped him, calling her, skyping her or wanting to see DD. But all things have been initiated by me. How have I ruined his life? This just feels all too much. Why does he hate me so much?

This: Nini

On another note, all this week FW has had to get the train to work - like he used to before he started his new job at the beginning of this year. It's frightening how quickly he has reverted back to his old ways - 'accidently' waking me and DD up when he goes (ages before we need to by the way), leaving for work a good half hour earlier than he needs to (why?), not doing anything around the house, from feeding the cat to opening the curtains so I have to do literally everything.

Ex FW must have been leading a double life too, as it sounds like he lives with you aswell!

oh and talking of referring to 'the wife' .... is there anyone out there who thinks being called 'er indoors' isn't from the ark?!!!

Lucca I'm really not laughing, never have, but been accused of it!!! You must have hit a nail [FW] on the head, and should start, all of us.. the laughing policeman...

hey ho...off to the psychiatrists I go....

His explanation on why I ruined his life

" No you wouldn't see that would you? You are doing the career that you want in a town that you like, you've got a house that you can afford, car, money, a source of income and my daughter to cap it all off. In 2011 I was exactly where I needed to be and now I look around and think ' what the hell happened'? Because I did what YOU wanted. Never again'

What he is referring to is the pre-medicine course I decided to take. The course is highly competitive and 3000 people applied for 20 places. I had to do IQ tests, presentations etc to get on the course. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity. It meant that we had to relocate from London to Brighton, and at the time he was at the start of his 3rd year at a London University, so he needed to commute back to London for his lectures. He used his student loan to help us relocate to Brighton, which I really really appreciated. I was so happy that I got a place on this course, because I thought finally I have a chance to get the career at the time I thought I always wanted. And his contact time was only 16 hours a week, so figured that the hours commute to London wouldn't be too bad.

Cost wise, it was a nightmare...I ended up doing all sorts of things to keep my head above water, he wouldn't work of course. And on top of that, I was under pressure to get straight A's. I ended up having a nervous breakdown, and was at Brighton shore on the phone to Samaritans as I just couldn't cope with the financial stress and academic pressure. I got an interview for medical school, but failed. Not surprising as I was dosed up on anti-depressants, I was just not prepared. Life might have been very different if I had made it. [sad I then dropped out of my pre-med course, as I just couldn't cope. He blames me for achieving the 2;2 in his degree, because he couldn't go to lectures, and he blames me his situation he is in now, which is no money, no job etc. He blames me for everything.

oh lordy.. badly x-crossed, soz and Rose You are in good company with like-minded mothers here, but I have continually done flips to give DC contact with FW why i fucking truly wonder but am at the same time 'isolating' her from him?!?!?!

This is because I try to act in her interests when she is psychologically damaged by him, by putting in boundaries, but we cannot have boundaries, boundaries must always be trashed.

mmmm... I hope you are recognising all the similarities to avoid taking any blame for his tantrums?

Hi Fi good to 'see' you.
Rose I think we can all add 'ruining their lives with our abuse' to FW bingo. They all went to the same school.
FWs ... just F* off.

Yes, I am about to get the Lundy book out again. Thank you Fairy and arthiritic I am ashamed to say I am still on page 10. As been having ping pong texting with FW who is hell bent on making me feel like a monster.

My reply " I only wanted to do the pre-med course to give myself a shot at improving my prospects. I failed. I never made it to medical school. So you should be happy about that. I don't see how my failure meant that I ruined your life. That is very unfair to blame your circumstances on me, when you don't actually know what would make you happy, what job you want want to do. I have spent years encouraging you to find a career that you would enjoy. And you have mocked me for being conventional. I have achieved what I have by working really hard for it, and my life is not rosy. I go to uni with holes in my clothes and go without food to feed our daughter "

His reply...

"So? I offered you the chance to have full-time FREE childcare for the duration of your degree, with full access and custody when you finished...you refused because you want it all. So now you have got it. Enjoy"

Is it so bad, that I wanted to be without my daughter. I couldn't imagine doing a course like midwifery, and not being with my own baby.

with* not without.

Rose - don't engage. Just don't. By doing so, you are giving him what he wants - an attentive audience for his ranting. Ignore all correspondence, except to do with arrangements to see DD. You are doing brilliantly, concentrate on yourself and DD. xx

Ponygirl - Ok, I am putting the phone on silent. I am so confused by everything again.

Rose don't engage - detach detach detach.

very Hi to you too Arth.. I had meant to say that also

I know sweetie. But its engaging with him that's confusing you. And that's his intention. Put him aside for your own benefit.

Hope you are doing ok sweets.

Hi Fi ! How are you? I really hate the 'er indoors', 'the missus', 'the wife' way of phrasing things, yet he looks at me like I'm mad when I say it's disrespectful to use it.

Rose, good to hear from you. Curtis beat me to it, just don't engage with him. He's just a wind-up merchant, he really is. None of what he says is true, and I think deep down you think so too.

Reading what you've written - I don't think I've ever heard you sound so together and focused before. Being away from him obviously suits you, and he can fuck off. He's scraping the barrel. What an utter contemptible loser.

DD is poorly tonight with a nasty cough, so could be a long one for me...

rose this:

Go away Rose, you've had a good stab at trying to ruin my life but you've failed and I'm still here - using my daughter to try and finish the job is exactly your style but it wont wash. You're a selfish, controlling woman and you don't give a shit who you hurt. I don't want to be persecuted anymore'.

is pure projection - he is talking about himself.

Well done for turning off the phone.

why don't italics work - it seems to be when I cut and paste grrr

Rose, ignore, change your mobile, if he wants to see DD, he can go through sol to arrange mediation. It is HIS responsibility, and the things you describe previously, they were HIS choices.

The important point you make is that you do not want to waste your best chance at a good life because of this man. You CANNOT miss classes because of him. Focus, focus, focus on what is important to you.

You will not get him to see reason. There is no point even trying to be rational.

Go to your classes, hold your head high, and be the woman, midwife and mother you want to be.

How are you doing, Fi?

Thank you everyone, I feel so selfish for not offering any support and just barging in like this. I am still on Page 10. It's not been a good last few days anyway. I have also had to ex sister in law tell me I was using her for being two hours late to pick up DD yesterday. I am saddened by this, as the only reason why she had her was because the childminder left me in the shit a bit, she was sick, and didn't tell me to the last minute. I was due in at the hospital to do life support for the adult, child and baby. This training is vital, and I now have a duty to use these skills 24/7 365 days a year...I digress. Anyway, I called my lecturer and explained, and she said I need to make the afternoon session, and could I organise alternative childcare? So I frantically called my sister in law, and explained. She agreed to take DD, but on the way to pick her up, I had a bit of a meltdown, got in a bit of a tizz, and couldn't remember the way back as sat nav packed up, and even though I passed my test last Friday, I am not overly confident with driving just yet. Feel let down by her, as she is the only family support I have, and a little bit of understanding wouldn't have gone amiss. I never get a break, I do my work and come home. And the last time I went to the cinema was 4/5 years ago. I really feel that after all the things I had told her about what FW had done she would be so supportive. I even shared some things with her that I can't bring myself to on here, because I am ashamed and in 8 weeks there have been two occasions where she has been rude to me. It's times like this when I wonder if I am all of the things fw says I am, because people do tend to get annoyed with me when all I am trying to do is get on .

Nini I am surprised you say I sound confident and focussed.. I can't believe I come across that way, but I guess if I look at what I have achieved I am probably doing OK. Took theory test, intensive driving lessons and driving test all in 3 weeks, and bought car on Tuesday. I don't mess about eh?

Silvery I thought that about the projection, it seems like he doesn't really want to bother with DD, but is creating this 'chaos' to make it sound like I am the one that has made it difficult for him to see her. I explained in text, that it costs nothing to call her to say Goodnight but he is not doing it. He says ' I am the issue'. I think he is always going to hate me. He hates that I am trying to get my life together...

Oh crossed posts with coach...

Yes you are doing more than ok Rose. It wont always be easy Im sure, but it will get better.

Is there anybody else besides Ex-SIL you can call on for emergency childcare? Sounds like she might be too much work if shes being rude to you.

The driving will get easier with experience . Stay strong!