Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Well he can't have 100% can he? The main point of settlement is a) provide for DC b) let both parties move on with some resources. Does he have a sol - if so then they should have pointed this out. Of course, FWs are not obliged to do what their sol advises...

Can you talk to someone about him coming like that? That sounds awful. What does your solicitor say?

I am exhausted from today. The tension was awful. Settled this evening but when I mentioned I had forgotten to order the shopping it was back to square one.

Spoke to SIL. She was kind and supportive. I just feel sick.

I have a friend coming tomorrow and I wish I had cancelled. too late now.

Just woken from an awful dream where my husband was killed. Horrible nightmare, feel sick now.

I can't see anything good ahead. I am either with him and this continues or I am without him and I do love him.

I will never be the person he wants me to be.

icepole hugs, hope you're feeling better this morning.

He is in a good mood again. Super helpful. This always happens. After it's been bad he is very nice and all goes back to normal. I am exhausted.

Really struggling in the face of some shitty fwittery today. Hiding upstairs.

icepole would you be able to get a bit of rest while he's like this?

nini you've taken yourself away from it, at least. would sharing the FWittery help?

Nothing beyond the normal really. I planned a few things for us as a family this wkend, then he arranged to go watch footy yesterday meaning I was left on my own with DD all day and cost me money in an unused ticket. This morning I'd booked to go out just me and DD to an event so he arranges for evil FIL to visit. I told him we'd be back later but wasn't sure when. After the event we bumped into a friend so ended up at the park. By the time we got back he had 'the face' on and was stomping about (FIL had gone shopping). I asked him what was wrong and he ranted at me about how he wasn't mad (and if he was I'd know about it) but I had a go at him for being out all day yesterday when I'd been out so long today.

Went upstairs and went to bed. Havnt said hello to FIL (who can't stand me and the feeling is mutual) so no doubt I'm super unreasonable now. So just a bog standard sunday.

Theyve just gone to the park so at least I can have a cuppa now.

Did he know you'd got him a ticket before he arranged to watch footy?

I take it he knows you hate FIL, but he wanted you around for some of the time he's here - or, I suppose, he wanted DD around.

Out with just DD and you sounds like the way to go for weekends

I'll revise that last sentence. Out with just DD and you sounds like the way to go.

Lol Silvery, that does sound nice.

Yes he knew I'd booked the tickets ages ago. He's also got the hump because he bought more footy tickets for a midweek game in a few weeks (plus planning to stay away overnight) without mentioning it to me and it clashes with my week away of study for my diploma, which means he needs to be here to do the nursery run.He's used to doing as he pleases when it suits him.

He knows FIL and me dont get on but we have to play 'happy families' as part of a charade when he can treat my family as he likes.

Had such a good day yesterday and today's been spoilt. And the weather's so lovely.

nini you can't win with these situations, if you don't involve him you ate excluding him if you do he arranges something else . So the only solution is to do exactly what pleases you best. and then ltb

Hope you enjoy your peace.

icepole the fact that he can be nice when he chooses shows the nastiness is also a choice

I need a wail and it has to go somewhere. I'm sorry as I know you people are dealing with actual problems. Mine is so adolescent.

Just...

I want him back so badly. I hate not knowing where he is. Hate that it all went so wrong. Keep going over and over and over it all in my head. I hate that I will never see him again. I'm really struggling.

Colin you and your fw split up around the time me and mine did. Don't say you can't do this because all the time I've lurked you've inspired me! It's so painful, this loss of a man you loved so much. But you deserve so much better and better is out there for you.

DD at uni now... transition was OK, I was worried that H would ruin it with selfishness (he was selfish wouldn't help unpack the car, told us we were taking too long, I wanted to stay and unpack with her and make her bed and he said he said I was taking too long... grrr) but she managed to get us away fairly quickly. I have no idea what life is going to be like. I've wasted so much time and energy thinking about how much I dislike (hate? detest?) him, he keeps me running around doing things for him all the time now he has a job (I don't), many hobbies which I don't share, makes all decisions about the house etc and I am seeing myself how he sees me-- a useless waste of space who 'bleeds him dry' and spends all his money, no good for s*x (well not good enough because I don't do it 'like the girls on the internet do'), no good for his social life because I don't arrange invites to loads of parties etc, no big cash inheritance waiting in the wings. I am utterly useless now that I don't have the 'looking after the kids' role to hide behind.

I seem to have a weird problem with my hips right now, strangely painful joints, the only way I can walk without pain is to stagger a bit and he's told me he doesn't like it. No sympathy of course. I think I know what's causing it I have 'hypermobile' joints and I did something the other day (gardening, sat in a strange position for a long time) but will arrange to go to Dr;s soon to discuss I think I need to be doing pilates/exercises on a regular basis, I saw ohysio before but I have not kept it up as I should have. I have a strange plan cooking up... to tell him I have a degenerative disease and I'll end up requiring hip replacements eventually, will need to walk with a cane soon. I think that this will horrify/disgust him to the point of wanting me gone which will make it easier to start that conversation. My only worry is, my plan may backfire as it may turn out to be true he would never look after me, never put my needs first he's already said that I am not allowed to spend money on pilates classes (I used to go secretly) and am not allowed to join a gym (used to belong, loved it). I think if I do more exercise I can get the joint problem under control but it will have to be a long term commitment and if he won't support that it looks to me like I'll need to get out for the sake of my health.

Hope everyone else OK! Interesting times ahead.

PS it's not that H isn't pleased for DD, he's really proud of her. I realize that he had no good role models in his parents, they only know how to criticize and not how to praise. However-- I am past the point of making excuses for him!

that's glad Dd got off ok. hope your hips better. now is your time. get set and go. and I hop you do bleed the nasty entitled fucker dry in the divorce

Colin you need to find something to look forwards to that is not a man who makes you watch him onthe toilet. And have you had counselling?

Thanks mink! that's exactly what I intend to do. all within the law of course, more shock to him these FW's need a wakeup call. But colin as I said before I don't imagine you will get any closure or any feeling that you made him aware of what he did wrong (which was CONSIDERABLE! don't forget!), or even of the fact that you had a right to be treated better, so moving on in the most positive way has to be the way forward. Concentrate on yourself!

Back on MN for the first time in ages... still no internet at home and work don't tend to like me spending time on forums

Left H nine months ago now.

Colin I don't know your story at all but even if he was an arse (and I suppose he must have been, or you wouldn't be on this thread) I reckon tis perfectly normal to be sad about breaking up with him, the same as with any relationship breakdown. The difference is, if he was abusive you really will be better off without him. Chin up lady

thats Pleased to hear your daughter wen away ok. What an exciting time!

Well 2013 I don't feel inspiring in any way. Hope you're doing ok.

I have been having counselling on and off for two years. I started it to try and help me move on from FW on a previous break. I am not currently having any - I thought my money would be better spent on getting smashed and sunbathing in the Balearics instead of banging on about him. I was right - I had the best summer. Only I kind of feel we've had a holiday from each other and now it's autumn and he should come back to where he belongs. He isn't doing and I'm struggling.

Now I don't have a cocklodger to fund, I've booked loads of gig tickets so some nice things to look forward to.

I'm trying everything I can to concentrate on - writing, baking, throwing myself into work, seeing my friends, shopping. It all just feels futile. I'm not even enjoying the shopping that much. He had set ideas on how he liked me to dress which happily coincided with mine. But fashion has moved on a bit and I've bought a few new bits and I'm wondering what FW would think. I hate that I don't have his approval. And yes, I realise how pathetic that is, but it did make me happy.

I don't even know if he was abusive anymore. I am thinking it was all in my head.

thatsnot I can understand you wanting to tell him you have something wrong with you so he will be ok with you going, but really, you do not need his permission. But if that's the only way you can see through to leaving, then go for it. Hope your hips are feeling better.

Colin hold on in there. All this shall pass. In another week you'll feel different. And the week after that different again. It's still a rollercoaster. It still hurts. And will do for quite a while. I see my FW every weekend to do drop-off and pick-up of DS2, and every week when I pick up DS2 and head home, I still feel sad and a bit down. It gets better, by a weeny amount, every week though. Hang in there.

Nora nice to hear from you! How are you doing? how are things now re contact etc, I remember there were some problems with him not able to have the kids on his own so you had to end up spending time around him too, was that right?

ponygirlcurtis how are you? I am going to read the thread to see if I can catch up with the others who used to post on here! I am fine, ups and downs. I have a meeting with solicitor re. divorce this week. Quite scary, as I never intended to divorce him. I thought if I moved away he'd have time to think and we could talk and get back together. I now don't think that will happen, he says I can come back home if I've changed, basically if I agree that the default setting at home is 'H decides'. He is still going on about the time last Christmas when I went for after work drinks with colleagues. He says I am married and have a family and shouldn't be hanging around in the streets at night with men (how dreadful does that sound ) The cultural differences between us are just too vast and I can't be arsed with it anymore even though I still love him.

He does see the DDs now, but didn't see much of them for about three months over the summer because he was too busy at work. At least the DDs are happy to see him now, I guess that's the most important thing.

Hey Nora - sorry that you are in the situation of having to think about divorce. It's hard, I know. Loving them is not the issue - although they sometimes seem to think it is, as if 'but I love you and I forgive you for leaving me' will make everything ok. Like his assertion that it's you that needs to change!!

Didn't see them for three months because too busy with work? And that shows his true colours. I bet your DDs have bloomed and blossomed now that they are out of the house and safe with you. Well done!

I am good thanks, been out for well over a year now and properly over for nearly a year. I still miss him, still have feelings, yadda yadda, but my boys are doing so much better. I feel tentatively positive about the future most of the time.

But Colin, you have had the holiday, the best summer, you have blossomed, he is just the same old FW. All you want to do, because the nights are drawing in and winter beckons, is pull on the old comfy slippers, even though they are worn through and you need a new pair. It is about breaking old habits as much as forming new ones.

colin it is always the case that we look back on things with the old rose tinted spectacles. The thing is that FWs weren't always bad otherwise we'd never have stayed with them. And sadly our brains seem to remember the less FW-y behaviour so that we start to doubt the FW behaviour was even there in the first place. Did you write things down when they were bad. Perhaps reading through will remind you that yes he most definitely was abusive.

nora you sound so much happier and together, despite the turmoil of having to consider divorce.

thats Also glad your DD got off ok. Now you can focus on you.

I've got a difficult week ahead. On weds I have a meeting with my parents and FW to see whether there is any road forward in regards to seeing them, and them seeing DD as well. I'm particularly worried about exposing my Mum to FWs behaviour (as he really hates her) but my parents have said that they do not really mind what he says as he's not someone who's opinion they hold with any regard

Then we have a joint counselling session in the same afternoon. Guess who chose it this way? I had it arranged for 2 separate weekends.