Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

charlotte also that you have been injured (emotionally) by your DV. reading that pro forma made me quite sad for the bind that those on this thread find themselves in. thank you for sharing the link.

Just a quick vent: yesterday I was "hyper mother" for helping toddler DS over some thick grass, today I should "think about putting DS first once in a while" because I lifted him on and then off of my lap while he was having his morning bottle.

And then of course I was a "child" for getting cross with FW for even suggesting I dont put DS first!

Back to looking at flats online... cant leave yet but he gets me so cross with his constant criticisms!

Smile and nod, if you can bear to, Hanbury

jally, should have said welcome to you. I was just thinking through options above, as things have recently changed a bit re Legal Aid. Watch, wait, post here, dream a little of other possibilities. Take your time. It's like digging an escape tunnel.

Hanbury the one thing one day and opposite the next is infuriating and they know they can always get us over parenting. difficult i know but does the mm hmm approach work at all? Just saying mm hmm or oh really to everything he says. or as pony says picturing him with a ticker tape scrolling across his forehead that says this is bullshit.

Obviously not a long term solution but it might ease some of the frustration of you getting annoyed and him thinking he has scored points by annoying you.

But mainly not long now

Very useful information on legal aid and DV, thank you charlotte and others. The letter is really useful, I will try and download that. When I lose my job due to stress I will tick all boxes I am smiling when it isn't funny. Thanks mink for your understanding Still having hell but gave myself a telling off today, need to relax or my life is just being wasted.

Tired and heading to bed, but just popped in to share something that made me smile in communication with FW today.

Lots of things that I've said to my parents or his parents have found their way back to FW recently - stuff that I wouldn't tell him myself and wouldn't want him to know. Think FW's parents are the weak links in the chain, but in any case it's most likely FW who then distorts it all.

So anyway, apparently his parents told him that I'd told them about the overnighting issue and his response to me had been, "Tough."

And he sent me a rather uppity email today, which went on a bit but basically boils down to: "Ok, I did say tough, but I said it VERY VERY NICELY!!"

:) at the very very nicely!

I think my hair is falling out :( I've always shed quite a lot. But recently when I've run my fingers through it I seem to get a fair few hairs. And tonight I've washed it and had what seemed like a massive handful. Maybe it's in my mind but my ponytail feels thinner too. I can't see any bald bits but im stupidly scared. I have been growing my hair so am telling myself that the hairs are just more noticeable when they are longer. I feel really stupidly upset about this :(

oh bounty don't stress, I heard somewhere that you lose more hair in autumn so don't assume it is the beginning of the end, so to speak, probably just a blip googled and found this article apologies for DM link! Look after yourself and treat yourself to some luxurious smelling gentle shampoo.

Charlotte hope you said thank you for such a nice response how annoying to think that your remarks are getting passed on via the grapevine.

Well we made it through H's birthday which was happily uneventful, went for a pub lunch with a family who tolerate us we're friends with (so thankful for them, I wonder if they know that we lean on them as we can't have a good time going out as a family because inevitably H will be depressed and find something to rant about, but when other people are about he behaves himself and we all have a laugh).

Countdown to empty-nest day-- DD goes to uni in 5 days. Of course H is making it a bit difficult, we've only been back in London for one day since we returned from holiday as he insists he wants to be at our 'weekend' house all the time. We went out there for his birthday (I was totally nice all weekend and did everything he said to give him no cause to get in a bad mood) but I need to do things with DD, ie pack, get her room sorted out, and she wants to spend time with the cat (who is our pride and joy) as she won't see him for about 10 weeks. H is insisting that DD can pack in a few hours then we can all spend the rest of the week at the other house. Gah. She is saying no way, I need to go out today as the logistics of travelling back and forth are tricky, hopefully I can go out today/overnight then leave him out there and drive back tomorrow morning so we can organize everything. Funny that he makes her going off to uni all about him!

Charlotte it shocks me just how they don't see what they say how every other single person sees it. Even if he said it `very, very nicely' it is still unhelpful.
bounty see your GP if it will reassure you. Years ago I missed all my physical symptoms as being stress - now I blame everything on it and worry about that You sound shattered
thatsnot what a selfish t8wunt - bet DD can't wait to get off, can you plan to visit her on your own? it might be a nice break.

There is a circle of FWittery in RL at the moment, one of us seems to be ringing the other and breaking down in tears at the moment due to exhaustion and that feeling of hopelessness. It was me last night and then this morning a friend rang me saying almost exactly as I was saying last night to a mutual friend of ours who had been on to me the week before. I need to rest, I think I will be able to think clearer if I get a lot more sleep.

thatsnot thanks. I should have googled instead of panicing . The article is slightly reassuring. But I will go to the docs better if I think its getting worse.

better do you mean lots of your friends are going through FWery with their respective partners? That is tough although in a way you probably make incredibly understanding friends for each other. Sleep sounds good:)

bounty One friend's FW left her quite a few years ago, she has DC, one is very ill, she is struggling with it all on her own. The other was left by her FW a few months ago and he has recently got married [shocked] she is finding it hard to deal with. We let out pain and think of ways to support each other practically and to help each other stay strong mentally. We try and not pick the same week to be struggling but it didn't work out that way this week

Back from my hols, which were actually ok (no major issues out of the normal crap), probably helped by my family being present one day and my giving in to sex midway through.

Bounty . Agree you should see your GP? I'd be upset too, don't feel stupid.

Welcome to newbies I missed while I was away! . Everyone here sounds exhausted .

Hello all, catching up after a busy couple of days crippled by hangover.

To catch up on the LA discussion - mink, because we are in Scotland I don't know what the situation is. We can still get LA, it's not like in England where that has been changed (I don't think), but I have been repeatedly told that I there is no point trying to divorce FW on grounds of unreasonable behaviour or using his abuse to basically try and get him to pay for the divorce. Not entirely sure why, maybe it makes no difference in terms of who funds the action, but there you go. I would have lots of 'proof' though - I was in contact with WA before I left for about 8/9 months (including meeting up with a worker when DS2 was a baby), I did call 101 and the DV unit (although I don't think I left my name either time), but I also talked to my midwife and my HV about it, as well as my doctor, so I know they will have records to support it. That's why I always urge women to go and speak to someone, so it's on record somewhere should they need it.

better hope you get some extra rest, you have been through a hard time and for you to be supporting others as well takes its toll.

bounty I have thought my hair was falling out on several occasions. I still worry about it. Do you have longer hair? I know that seeing big handfuls of my long hair looks a lot more hair than if it was a few strands of short hair.

nini at you having to give in to sex. You shouldn't have to. Hope you are ok

pony must have got your situation confused. Also yes there was a thing on LA on radio the other day that said situation in Scotland is different. but yy to getting it all recorded and documented.

nini glad the hols were ok. Nice to see you back :) agree re the giving into sex comment :( though guess you know that already.

My hols were ok, good even, but a few days back and guess what? no change? Is an escape in Dec still looking a possibility?

I know pony. But there are those rare times when its easier to lie back and think of England than deal with the strops. I know that sounds awful.

Found out that I failed my summer exam, again. Which is getting me down. That pushes back my completion date by another 6 months. Its a hard enough course without FW whinging about the time I spend on it.

Hope you're doing ok.

Hi Bounty escape in december is like some beautiful dream. A magic date perhaps?

nini - that does sound awful. Because, technically that's sexual coersion I think. You feel you cannot say no, because he has set up in your head that if you don't there will be negative consequences. But it's hard to get your head round that, I know from experience.

Sweetheart, I hope you don't mean waiting another six months till you take the exam again before you leave? I think you still need to think in terms of December, when the mortgage runs out. Think of this - I don't think you can pass until you are out.

nini he needs to get more friendly with Mrs Palmer and her five children - sending you lots of strength to deal with all this I don't think I could even attempt to study with a FW around, you are amazing for even trying.

I'm in absolute fwittery hell.....he has his entire armoury of FWittery tools out funded by the tax payer and they are been thrown at me and DS.. he thinks they just hit me.. but they hit DS too - it's really not helping and he forgets the court are watching this and will see it as the fwittery it is I so hope.. please
But it is all so slow and in the meantime DS suffers. I am keeping the faith that someone in authority steps in soon.

My energy increased with an adrenalin rush to deal with the latest fwittery but that isn't good it means im running on adrenalin and it will make me ill.

Still no sign of rose hope course is going well.

random how are things now.

nini i hope it can be December. am with pony it will be easier to study in peace.

So, FP, Hissy was rscommending it on another thread. i still have not done it because I think I might find it harrowing and destabilising. I think I have a pretty good handle on the things he did that were abuse and why we ended up where we did. I think maybe if I dude do it I would be going backwards when I want to move forwards. but then maybe if I do not spend enough time on the healing i won't move as far forward as i should.

Hello all, I've been lurking for several months, and wanted to thank you all. Reading your stories and feedback has so helped me get more clarity on my situation. You have been lifechanging for me. I can't say how powerful this thread is.

Years of EA and escalating PA from husband. We were abroad, and I have managed to get job back in UK & move self and kids to new area where we know no one. He got a job in a new place too, new country. No support from him for my/kids move, their transition, or even the decluttering before the move. But I have been so grateful to be away, feel safe, be able to act on my priorities, even though there is so much to do with new job etc. I have kept being very clear, since January, it is over between us. He has kept not hearing. Even when I moved, even when he moved to new place, he kept saying, 'but this isn't a separation'. I have been gearing up to tell him I want an immediate divorce. And now he's been a really short time in new job in this new place, and he's now written to say its not working out, he misses me and the kids, he wants to be there for them, to resign and return to UK.

I can't believe it. He does care for the kids, but has never been very engaged, or done anything much for them. I've done it all, alongside work. If he resigns it would blow our finances out of the water as I suppose I on my not-generous wage would need to be funding two places if I want us to be apart. I do get it is probably a massive shock for him to have to do all the bits I used to do. But hardly unexpected. And for the last 20 years his needs, his career have been the ones which 'counted' and now he wants to chuck it all in, which he was never willing to do in a planned way around my smallscale preferences? And he has been truly vile and abusive to me for so long. But suddenly he wants to make it work?

I have written a little to my friends in UK, but its difficult because I've been out of the country for so long. And if I'm honest I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed of how he has treated me, as if it is my fault, and if I had done something different I could have prevented it. I'm realising too how my parents didn't use to see my needs and would always say I was making too much fuss, being a drama queen, had expectations which were too high, as a reason for them not to have to meet my needs. But I still have these voices in my head and though I do feel I need reallife support, I don't want my good friends to think I am leaning on them too much. I feel I don't have a sense of perspective any more, just very very confused. Can't see the wood for the trees anymore, don't know what he is playing at, don't know what to do. What do you think?

Hi all,

Just checking in and catching up.

I know exactly how you feel nini was so much easier to lie back and think of England just to keep the peace. Remember though you don't have to and shouldn't need too.

Bounty try not to worry hun. Have you tried a multi vit? Perhaps your body is so tired it needs a boost. I tried metatonic for a couple of weeks after I had a god awful cold I caught from dd. I just couldn't shift it. Seemed to have done the trick. See your doc though if you are worried. Sometimes to have a doc tell you its OK kind of helps.

Hope you are all well and/or to those who need it x

Oh I'm still thinking in terms of December, this course has another year at least yet anyway, but every time I fail an exam it pushes the end date another 6 months back. I just want it done but yes, it would be so much easier without him around pestering for not giving him attention.

The sexual coersion thing is very true. Back to the need to be a people pleaser like many of us are.

Welcome redmaple. I think you need a support network to lean on but I understand why it worries you (I have only one friend who knows). You might find friends will be more than willing to listen. Do you have family to talk to? Or the professionals like Womens Aid if you want impartial advice?

Thanks for all your response. Much appreciated. I will seek help soon with regards to my personal issue for later references if this marriage is no longer worth fight

Hi redmaple. I have similar frustrations and worries, about FW giving up work, suddenly wanting to be engaged with DCs, wanting to work things out now when it's too late. No advice for you, I'm afraid!

I'm not enjoying this week. Too much to do, no idea if I'll get it all done, no idea if everything will come together at the last minute or not. Most of my day is taken up looking after my dcs; I don't have much time or energy left to pack! Which makes FW's recent comment that it's easier for me to get up in the morning because I don't work all the more -making.