Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Would your conscience settle for writing him a letter instead? I think that going back to explain would be very very hard on you.

bounty my FW said the same as ponys I left one day while he was at work. I got the "have you got any idea what its like comung home to find your family gone" the guilt really hit. I replied did he have any idea how hard it was to do. But I still went back and im still here wishing I wasn't.

FW bingo
Just come in from a couple of hours out with friends. Noticed the washing was still out. FW been in all night. Went to get it in and noticed gaps on the line.....where he has been out and took his washing in and left the rest out! Knob head.

boiledfrog I'm really sorry but I just snorted my tea out at the washing line minus his stuff. It's really not funny. But is so perfectly illustrates FW behaviour.

charlotte well maybe an email.

I'm coming to the conclusion that for once I need to ignore my principles and what is the right thing to do and just selfishly do whatever it takes to get myself out.

I remember breaking up with my boyfriend before FW. He was not a FW. He was lovely. But for various reasons I decided it wasn't right. We weren't living together so I arranged to meet him in a pub. Explained that it wasn't working and that there was noone else. We both cried and then hugged and went our separate ways. A week or so later he contacted me and asked whether I wanted to try again. I replied that no it definitely wasn't right for me. He respected that. Never asked again even though we met a few times when our social groups over lapped and we were always pleasant to each other.

I can see that that will never be the case with FW. That is how a relationship should end in my opinion. Face to face, honesty, trying to part on decent terms. But FW will never allow that to happen so there is no point in even attempting it I suppose

How are things with you charlotte Any progress?

I just thought this topic fits the kind of my marriage at this very moment.

Married to husband for over 5 years now....I got pregnant shortly after we exchanged "I DO's". He is divorced but still unclear to me why the last marriage broke down. After his divorced, I told me that I would not want to get married again, but here we are. On my labour, with my first baby, his second, ex gf apparently texted him. That ex he admitted who he loved so much....My gut was their communication went on and on and can't ever call it a quit. He cheated on me with that girl and my world was destroyed. With my daughter to have and his affair, all the emotions at that time was just too much. I still stayed. He made me feel trap. Nearly six years into our marriage. I still have no life for myself. He controls the finances and I really can't say anything with regards to the money he holds.

The biggest dilemma for me now is the question of: IS IT NORMAL FOR HIM TO SAY FUCK OFF? Myself and my daughter moved out of the house because I just can't take all the disrespect I get when he's drunk. He get sooo rude and often pretend that he remembers nothing the next day and left to ignore him for days without confronting him or demanding a genuine apology.

Tonight, he got home from the pub and within 2 mins, he used that word to me again after giving me the promise that he will never say it again. I am just so emotionally tired of putting up with his behaviour. I don't know what to do.

No jally if he repeatedly swears at you, it is verbal abuse

Bounty you are sounding strong, resolute and like you are ready stay safe a d do what you have to. you are right no matter how you do this he will not make it easy.

jally sorry you find yourself in this situation. No it is not normal for him to swear at you. Nor to cheat on you with an ex. Nor to control the finances of the house. Nor to disrespect you.

Although it may feel like you are trapped with no options, there is help that you can get. I would advise that you contact Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 initially as they can give you loads of advice. Or alternatively you can email them contacting womens aid

Keep posting here too

@MrsMink - in my heart, I know he is abusing me. It is toooooo long so sad that I felt like I got so used to it until just recently, one peaceful night, he came home from drinking (being Irish) and started talking about financial matters and swore at me sooooo hurtful that it gave me a push to pack and moved out of the house and stayed with a friend for more than 10 days...promised me all the daisies & roses...and here I go again. He always think that I am overacting, that I should just put up with his abusive drunken Irish mouth ....he drinks 2 ltr vodka with coke in it ++++ 10 ++++ pints of beer a week, and I'm being told I should not ask for allowance from him...

Jally I can only echo what has already been said, especially about being sorry about the situation you find yourself in but there is a way out of this and there are lots of options. The first thing is to realise there is a serious problem, that is not easy to do, I changed my mind many times, made allowances for what was happening to me, blamed myself and then realised a bit too late really but better than never. Still picking up the piences coming up to 9 years after we seperated but I think I am an extreem case on the longevity front. If I had posted on here years ago I don't think I would be in this mess now.

betterthanever I don't even know where to start. How to get help once I will decide to go....gooo for good with my child.

Being alone, away from my family doesn't help. they don't even know my situation. I just keep it to myself so they don't worry. I sometimes cry with friends, one, is also enduring the same problem as I have. It is not an east situation, so hard to figure out and I am confused.

jally you can come here for support and validation.
Women's aid for all kinds of help both practical emotional.
The police for back up if he is or becomes violent or threatening.
Friends for confort and practical help.
Citizens advice to work out what benefits you can get.csa. tax credits etc.

It is daunting and horrible and a big list. and he should never have put you in this position in the first place. but if you want to leave it is possible. given time and support and a bit of planning it is possible to make your life your own and to not have to put up with being disrespected.

But you do not have to do anything any sooner then when you are ready. if all you want to do for now is post and gather your thoughts that us fine and if you want help advice with a plan that is fine too.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

jally baby steps one at a time. one after another. right out the door. I guess if you are ready to start thinking about going, (i am not trying to rush you just guessing from your post above sorry if i am being presumptuous) then the first most practical step might be to work out finances. do you have access to any money of your own? Can you save anything?
If not, there are still possibilities. Women's Aid can support you and keep you safe until you can get on your feet. As soon are free there are benefits you can claim. you an get family credit if you have a job. child benefit. And csa eventually (although they do take a long time).

You will probably find, if he has been holding tight to the finances that you will be much much better off without him not to mention better off emotionally.

Sorry if out already know all this. just trying to reassure you that even if you have not a penny to your name it can be worked out.
There are people on the tread who ave worked there way through most situations so you an get lots of help and advice.
WA are an excellent starting point.

Jally what help do you think you will need? The list from mink is spot on, I guess it may be working out what to do first?

Just wanted to say, to people who might understand what a big deal this is, that I have had a really nice weekend with the dcs. I have actually got to lunchtime both days and found myself thinking, "I'm enjoying this," rather than the usual, "Phew! I've made it this far; how many hours till I can start putting them to bed?"

Was just wondering how the changes to Legal Aid Entitlement will affect women in EA marriages who wish to divorce. Won't they have to somehow prove their H's are FWs/abusive in order to get funded?

On a lighter note, those wishing to escape into a more glittery world while surviving until Christmas may wish to join me in watching SCD. As one of the judges said, just watching Dave the Hairy Biker made me happy :)

*unless they have their own money...

My sol said my evidence was word-perfect... it was, for anyone who wants similar, a letter from my GP, from a proforma here. I wrote my letter to him from a proforma from the same site... but I think it's moved and I can't find it.

silvery pretty much, yes

It was thinking about jally that led to those thoughts. I had a look at that letter - it seems that unless you have a 'condition' arising from your EA, cerified by your dr, that you can't prove EA to get LA.

Now, I had a condition caused by EA, but it had been diagnosed as (probable) bi-polar. Good job I had money left, eh?

Back to the old days of 'mental cruelty', isn't it? I wonder how that used to be proved (I think you had to provide proof, long ago? - it was really before even my time.

The letter does make clear that unless the doctor can prove it wasn't EA, he should assume it is. Which is helpful.

My 'condition' was merely that I was getting dizzy spells and wondered if it was blood pressure problems. Dr said it was more likely to be stress (I'd told him a little of my marriage breaking up and why) and I should try to manage it till the cause of the stress was sorted, iyswim. And that was it.

Not saying it's right, or the most helpful approach for assessing access to Legal Aid, but it does cast the net wider than you might think at first.

Well, that is moderately hopeful, Charlotte. We need to keep that link - maybe we need an additional top post with bits about divorce and links to benefit entitlement calculators.

silvery AFAIK you do have to provide some evidence rather than prove it to the standards used in a court of law. so for example records of calls to 101 is a start- which is why I recommend so often that incidents be logged with 101 even if not action is to be taken. it is not so much in case of any further legal action it is a) so the Police are aware that the survivor may be at risk and they have the house flagged up as requiring fast reponse and b) because the record may help to secure legal aid.
as in charlotte's case medical evidence is also admissible. evidence from the HV or school would presumably also be relevant. as might evidence in teh form of emails and texts.

I am not sure WA have any role they can play in this as experts but WA will be on the ball about securing any evidence required and giving the relevant advice.

I have just gleaned this though from various bits of info here and there rather than seen it spelled out in any government documents.

I suppose if we could it would be a helpful thing to find the legal definition of the benchmark required and record it in one of the links at the top of the thread?? has anyone seen a proper definition of what is required?

It is though, one step forwards two steps back IMO step forward the change in the law for E&W at least means that EA is now a criminal act. But the change in LA is a step back in that it means that if you have been one of those who suffers in silence and then leaves suddenly never having contacted WA or 101 (like me and pony?) then you have no access to LA. thankfully in my case I would not need it anyway because of being both financially independent and not married.

It is also frustrating that e.g. better who would most definitely qualify on the grounds of being able to provide significant evidence does not for financial reasons but is consequently being financially abused through the judicial process

for anyone who is reading this feeling dispirited by it- please don't. With a bit of planning and the help of WA it can be done. if you are thinking of leaving, it really can be done. but if you have anything you can log with the police then do- it does not have to be acted upon but it is still worth recording for the reasons above. (and because in a world with no consequences FWs will flourish).

x post!

charlotte also that you have been injured (emotionally) by your DV. reading that pro forma made me quite sad for the bind that those on this thread find themselves in. thank you for sharing the link.