Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

He is being his normal nice self today, been a bit more helpful, just acting nice. It makes it hard to believe he can flip like that.

and the fact that he can do that shows that he does it on purpose. the whole sandwich thing was just to provoke a row so that he could blow up at you
and the making out that standing up for women's right is some how wrong as well. why shouldn't you? you are a woman and you have rights.
next it will be the feminist = man hating lesbian

but I think the best thing is to log this and any other behaviour. observe but don't react as you are right nothing will change.
hope you get a hold of WA soon.

tis lovely to see you. onwards and upwards.

and to all the other lovely thread friends too.

to tis and I will come back when I can. I have been in the corner at the vixens tonight, Im ok and have enjoyed being there, just one of those days when I can't be in the full swing of things.

I'm back already - I remember someone on here posting to me that my FW has no normal negotiating skills and that his usual manipulating and bullying will not work with the court and this will anger him. That has come back to me just now and I think I have realised why he has carried out his latest piece of fwittery.
Thanks whoever posted that in the past its taken me all night to process things but I think I am there. Writing it down really helps.

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??????????F?U?C?K?W?I?T???????????

you could use some of this better

after a party is amazing

Thank you all - for everything. And now Tis must disappear and become someone else again.

To all those here I don't know - I realise that I (and others like me) must seem like some unreal, impossible thing. We're not. You can do it. I did it and there is everything and nothing special about me.

There is absolutely everything and nothing special about you too

better hope you are feeling better (as t'were) this morning having processed stuff last night. Hope things are ok.

Cheers Tis You are still amazeballs.

mink bunt loving!

Loving the bunting - I will decorate the front of the house with it
Hopefully can get things sorted today - thanks pony

I had a bit of a realisation earlier - I need to share it and get it down before I forget.

DS1 going out to school. Suddenly announces he doesn't want to walk. Tell him he has to, he's left it too late to tell me and neither me nor DS2 are ready forgetting the fact that I had too many vinos last night at Tis's party in the Vixens.... He is a bit grumpy and I feel bad. Then he says he doesn't want to walk home from school. I tell him he has to (DS2 has been having longs afternoon sleeps), he's been doing it for weeks absolutely fine. He gets even more grumpy. I feel bad. He goes out the front door of the flats and slams it deliberately, then I can see him gesticulating angrily to himself. I feel bad, and make plans to hoik DS2 out of bed at 2.50pm so we can go meet him from school.

And then I suddenly realise I am doing my usual, timeworn thing of 'fixing'. DS1 is in a grump for no good reason, yet I take it all onto my shoulders and want to fix him.

I am so worried that DS1 is getting damaged, that all we have been through with my abusive FW has already damaged him, that seeing any negative emotions in him panics me and I go into 'fix mode. I feel that I mustn't do anything to damage him further.

But really, he has to deal with his own emotions to a certain extent. He has to learn what they feel like, even the 'bad' ones and how to manage them.

I went through my childhood/all my adult life not able to express emotions like anger because it was not encouraged in our house. I don't know what to do with those kind of feelings. They panic me. I try and dispell them, push them down, ignore them. But really, they are just as valid feelings as the happy ones. They are just feelings.

I am putting my own fears about 'negative' emotions onto DS1. It's ok for him to express displeasure, anger, etc. In fact, it's normal. just not my normal.

I am seeing his CAMHS worker tomorrow, just me, not him, I think she would be a good person to discuss this further with.

Sorry, long splurgy post, just had to get that out and talk it through a little before I lost it in my head. This feels like an important realisation for me.

Makes sense pony. I have been saying to my dcs don't get in a strpp/angry etc. then realised it should be i can see you are cross/tired/grumpy and that is ok. you can be cross but you cannot push/hit/throw things about as that is not nice behaviour.
And unexpectedly, it seems to be working.

I need to reread how to talk to your kids. the bits about acknowledging their feelings and sympathise without pandering.

I think you done good pony. you gave him a reason. he will probably have forgotten all about it by home time anyway.

Makes sense pony. I have been saying to my dcs don't get in a strpp/angry etc. then realised it should be i can see you are cross/tired/grumpy and that is ok. you can be cross but you cannot push/hit/throw things about as that is not nice behaviour.
And unexpectedly, it seems to be working.

I need to reread how to talk to your kids. the bits about acknowledging their feelings and sympathise without pandering.

I think you done good pony. you gave him a reason. he will probably have forgotten all about it by home time anyway.

That's a good point, mink, that's a good way to approach it. I have that book too, think I need to have another read through it too.

I know, he'll have forgotten come home time, so it's my need to make sure he's 'ok' and fix him that I need to address. Or at least, be aware of now, so I can assess what I really need to do rather than what my default 'fix him' tells me to do. I think I just see his negative emotions and feel that they are my fault so I feel like a bad mum. But i think actually my constant attempts to keep him 'happy' are probably more damaging in the long run.

Sigh. It's not easy, this parenting lark.

I can't bloody believe this ( although I was warned by several of you it might happen.) FW has now contacted my son at uni. He just phoned me to tell me he'd had a message asking him how he was and what should he do.

Why can't he just piss off and leave us all alone. He can't seriously think he can waltz back in after 7 weeks and all will be fine. WHY WHY WHY

Bet he does, jackie. Maybe he's getting worried because he was expecting you to be chasing him by now? He's missing the attention. Are your dcs happy to ignore him till he goes away? And you can keep ignoring him too, because you've got us to offload on if you need to!

Hi, bounty, btw - that was a quiet re-entry to the thread! Are you back from holiday now? How are you?

Thank you charlotte it's great to come on here. I hope you are ok. I've not been on hat much lately as I've been keeping myself very busy seeing friends and have even had a couple of dates, just for fun and a night out

Has flora been on lately is she ok?

I agree Jackie - if your DS is ok to do this, just ignore the text. Answering, even to say something short like your DD did, or even to say 'FOTTFSOF' just opens up the communication channels, allowing him to then reply to this in some way. Ignoring is the only way to stop this in its tracks.

flora posted yesterday - hope you are doing ok, flora, keep posting and let it all out. Don't answer the phone to MiL and be assured that the 25-year-old is unlikely to stick with the 41-year-old in the long term. Detach, detach, detach. Try not to think about what he's doing - he could cover himself in chocolate and gold for all you care - focus on yourself and doing nice things for yourself. The best revenge is a life well lived.

*Jackie my FW thinks the same but after 8/9 years a great FW trait of them just wanting to put something behind them as it suits them at that time and not see the impact of what they have done and the consequences of that.
pony I have started doing more reading on the impact on DC. I was and still am stuggling with it. My CBT guy just said keep normal boundaries no matter what is giong on. DS was really bad when all this started - all sorts of anger and upset and regression - and I have got better at dealing with it and so as DS - this is new to you and your DC too, you are doing a great job just by them knowing your love is there and can be counted on even if they throw a strop.
I don't know how old your DC are sorry but I guess they are in the learning thier own No and someone elses No stage as are all fw adults - I need to invent that tablet that does that and force down every FW's throat.

rose how is the course? How are the other students? any fit student mid husbands

Hey, hope you are all ok.

I managed to get in contact with WA today. Had a really good conversation for a little over an hour. It helps to have people confirm I'm not blowing things out of proportion.

I have a lot to think about now really. I've been burying my head in the sand for too long and the last few days have shown me what a complete ass he can be and that change is unlikely.

I feel so sad :(

random really really glad you managed to make contact with WA. I found them a life-saver, both in terms of confirming things to me and also in offering me ongoing support (which I still have, two years later).

But it is a lot for you to deal with, having them confirm that you are not over-reacting. It means there's a lot of things you have to process, a lot for you to think over, and a lot of decisions to think about.

Take your time to deal with things in your head yourself, but stay safe. At the very minimum, while you think things through maybe have an emergency bag packed in case he escalates things. They have a way of knowing that something in our heads has changed, that a lightbulb has gone on, so he may sense that you are different.

random seconding what pony said. If you can secure the important documents.

Glad you spoke to WA and that you are communicating on this thread but so sorry you are going through this.

random I am sorry you are feeling sad but glad you have a good contact for support. Keep as strong as you can, take your time it is a lot to take in and I think the advice to pack a bag/secure documents is very valid.
I feel so exhausted I can't describe. Fwittery is being dealt with and well by the authorities now but doing that and going through it all is so draining. Things are coming to a head now and my poor DS has to go through things but hopefully that will end it. If it doesn't I don't think either of us have the energy to go on.