Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

How he's got the cheek I honestly don't know especially considering the way it ended and the fact he owes me money. better. You are probably righ in that he's trying to exonerate himself after what he did

They care not what the impact is of what they do which is why they keep doing it. They don't think it is wrong, they believe it was right. This is why my case is in court and he has just given the court a very good indication of just this.

They really don't think the way we do, do they.. It's only now I'm realising this

I don't post often - but do lurk to wish us all well - Just wanted to say, Jackie, that FWs are never looking to exonerate themselves - that would mean that they recognized that they had done something wrong - which, of course, they have not. Any attention from FWs' children they see as their due and recognition for being such superior beings and normal attempts at human contact only serve to feed their sense of entitlement.
Will shut up now
Here's echoing the hope the hope that FWs will, indeed, all just f* off!

Indeed and I'll say it again FW's f* off

I need some support please :(

I have posted here recently about my physio and it turned out my husband is an emotional abuser but I thought we could work through it. I just feel like I'm losing my mind.

Something petty happened today but it is a regular occurrence in my life.
In our culture the women do a lot more than men. Too much more in my opinion. My husband (who is the same as me) is well aware I think this notion is a load of crap but sometimes it is hard to break free of it.

Today, my husband was hungry around lunch. Both of us busy, I told him to make himself something to eat. He came back and asked again, my reply was the same.

He got in a big mood saying I am his wife and I should have made something. He is trying to gain weight and said he is on a strict eating schedule so I told him he should make sure he has eaten then, he is a grown adult.

So this evening I asked him to help get our toddler ready for bed, he said no. I told him to make some supper for our toddler, he said no. I then asked if he could put the wet washing out to dry while I sort the toddler out, he said no. I'm making dinner tonight and then told him he needs to do something to help, he said no. Got in his car and drove off!All because I told him to make his own lunch and refused tomake his food.

I hate the fact women are seen to be the ones who have to do most things, it gets so annoying that I have to do it all.

My mum made him something small to eat and told me in the kitchen then I really should have made him something. So am I wrong? Am I being a shit wife? I feel like I'm slowly going insane and just want to cry.

I hate these expectations of me. Why cant it be more equal? I see plenty of other husbands do their fair share, I watch my neighbour cook for his family and wash the dishes and I just want to cry. Am I mental? Sorry it is so long :( also many apologies for the mistakes as I'm using my phone.

Hi random I think we met on your thread?

Towards the end of my marriage, mine refused to do a thing I asked him to. The only reason that I could see for this was - because I had asked him. We were (White British in our 50's) ex-hippies, I thought he believed in equality, but it seemed not.

The first time anyone else (but DC) saw him do it was when my DM was here. We were all 3 seated round the table and I asked him to get me a fork. He just said no, and I had to squeeze round the table and past him to get it. My DM was when we were on our own - but she didn't realise that by then it was ingrained behaviour in him.

What am I trying to say? That for you, at present it seems to be punishment for standing your ground. (Mine sulked, does yours?) And that for me, though I don't remember how it started, by the end it seemed to be punishment just for being me.

It must be doubly hard when your DM has different opinions on the way things should be. Take your time, for the time being: post on here, tread water, and gather information.

I'm alone at home with the toddler asleep. I have no idea where he is. I think he may be at his mum's house eating dinner maybe. I can't stop crying at what kind of life I have.

My new problem is do I make dinner for just me or both of us? I am genuinely concerned that if I dont make anything, he comes home hungry and is mad. I could then make him food, he might then come home having eaten then it is wasted. What do I do? Omg why am I even asking these questions? I feel so stupid.

Because you have spaghetti-head and are trying to second guess him?

You could text him "will you be wanting dinner?" (I think that's what normal people do - I now live alone)

Does he hate waste, normally? Does he usually get mad if he is hungry? If he is a FW he will pick fault either way. You could make enough for him and freeze leftovers or use as basis for tomorrow if he turns out to have eaten.

You are neither mental nor stupid, btw.

He hates waste and he gets really frustrated when he is hungry. I'm not sure what FW means?

But there are so many things he does to control me. I had x factor on yesterday, he comes in huffing and puffing 'why is this crap on tv' and turns it over. He doesn't like me watching it. The neighbour and his friend were out in their garden and they can see into our kitchen window, so my husband tells me to go in the living room!

It sounds so ridiculous when written down like its not even real and that major but they all add up and eat away at me. He has noticed I've started standing my ground more and he says to me 'I don't know what is wrong with you these days, it's not like you are even due on so I don't know what your problem is'.

Big sigh.

Oh random, I can remember that panicky feeling of knowing that no matter what I did, it would be the wrong thing - which is what will happen here. If you make something, he'll say he's already eaten. If you don't, he will say he hasn't. (He will lie in either case to make sure you are made to be 'in the wrong'.) I would do as Silvery suggests - try and text him for a response, and if he doesn't reply (which he wont, or else with a 'do what you want' answer), then make enough for him to ahve some if he wants, or to freeze if he doesn't.
that you are in this situation. You say it's a cultural thing? But if you are not happy with the situation, it doesn't matter if it's cultural or not, you are unhappy and that's all. He's not treating you with any respect.

Random, it sounds petty, but it's not, is it? Because making food is such a regular part of life that a power-struggle over it is much more significant than it seems.

You are trying to treat yourself with some dignity and he is trying to flick you back down into the mud. It's quite clear how little he thinks you're worth. I think it must be so hard if your culture says a lot of what you're experiencing is fine and right. I was thinking earlier: if we were still in the 1950s, would I have had the strength to walk out of the marriage? I don't think I would. When I confided in my parents and my pastor last November, the support they gave me was crucial to me. I think I'd've shrunk back to my poor lost self for years if they hadn't been supportive.

FW=FuckWit - and from your last post, it seems you are dealing with one One who deals out abuse by a thousand paper-cuts.

random mine too had lots and lots of abuse issues around eating and food. he would regularly shout at me if I we were out and i had not brought food for him and he got hungry. now in my head a grown man should know to bring himself something if he thinks he might get hungry.

when it came to situations like the refusing to hang out washing. Rather than saying will you do x, I would say which do you want to do x or y? (and i will do the other) To make it clear that the choice was not yes or no. if course it did not stop him being lazy and abusive but it made it harder gore him to huge from the amount of work that went on and made it seem more like jobs were being divided up.

In the end the real solution was to leave though.
And so mos i do the same work as before but he has to cook his own tea and somehow manages not to starve

urgh can't wait to be properly rid of my cocklodger. Divorce is now final but finances are not. He moved out about 5 months ago, but in about 6 weeks he'll need to move.

Decided I really needed to know what he was planning - turns out he intends to move back in here. I asked how he would pay the bills given I would move out in that case... he now thinks I'm completely out of order, as he can't afford the bills. rant rant rant and I hung up. Very empowering.

Why oh why does he think that as my EX husband he's entitled to move back in here for free, and live off me again? I will not let it happen! Feeling very strong for a change, just need it to last in the barrage of abuse which I think will now follow.

random it's very telling how stressful it is for you - just sorting out what to do for dinner. Definite eggshells and not a good way to live.

My FW was very good at doing the cooking, yet still used it as a tool to abuse. He would tell me to get out the way if I went in the kitchen. Laugh at my attempts. Cook me big meals and stick them in front of me even when I asked him not to, e.g. if I was on a diet or not hungry. Tell me it was my choice whether or not I ate it, and then say 'there you go I told you you were hungry' if I did.

He was planning to move back in and he hadn't asked you?? Even without expecting you to pay his bills that would be crazy levels of entitlement!

Don't know why I'm surprised!

The fwittery is flowing but there are kitchen utensil being used everywhere - well done ladies. No just when you think they can't shock you with how entitled they see themselves they do! Hope finances can be sorted asap. So glad you hung up .
random/mink the day before FW ended things thank the lord above he bought food items he told me I never had in my own house where he did not live and in a very huffy way stuffed them into my cupboards. This was shortly before he threw some food I had made for him across the room as it wasn't to his satisfaction which was the beginning of the end for me and he knew it and so he ended it the next day.
You have made a good first step to bringing about you own happiness random keep posting, you are in good company.

Sorry at the state of this message but i am so upset. Put wet clothes out to dry. Went back inLiving room, he wasn't there.
Came up to go sleep thinking he was in toilet and about to go down. He came into bedroom saying he is coming to sleep. I said he should have told me before coming up as I would have switched lights off etc so I said I ain't going down now.

He got angry said I must go down now and switch it all off. I said no because he did this on purpose. He took the duvet off aggressively and chucked to floor. Told me again to go down. Said if I don't go down now he will pick the mattress up and chuck me off. He tried it twice. I still didnt move. He pushed me twice to get me off the bed. I got scared so got up. Got my pillow and phone.

He stood in front of the door asking where I'm going. I said to switch lights off and sleep in spare room. He was so aggressive in front of the door. Kept blocking me. Stopping me from going. I was trying to be quiet as baby is asleep. I tried to move him aside but he wouldn't move and said I was being aggressive. He eventually moved and followed me downstairs.

I switched lights off and he was blaming me saying I'm a stubborn bitch and it's all my fault and I've ruined his early night. He wouldnt move again to let me come up to bed. Blocked the door. Grabbed my wrist and pushed me back inside. I came up to the back room and he followed me in. Still calling me names.

I tried to put my phone on charge but he snatched it and wouldn't give it back. I felt scared again. He wanted to talk things through but I said not now, tomorrow. This made him more mad and he left calling me a c*nt and a prick. Said I've ruined his day since I didn't make him a sandwich earlier on.

I feel so upset. I was trying to do the right thing by sticking up for myself. By telling him now is not the time to talk. He said he will not get up to see to the baby when she wakes and wants me to have the night from hell. I said I'm tired and want to sleep and he said its my fault for not taking my iron tablets and that I am an idiot.He also called me the devil for tryin to make him angry. Wtf!!!!

random how awful. You've done nothing wrong in trying to stick up for yourself. I'm hoping someone else will come along soon I can't even think of what to say. I'll say it again - you've done nothing wrong.

random he is escalating.
You did right to stand up for yourself. for your sake. But you also need to stay safe. have you contacted WA yet? You should. they are tete for situations just like this.
You should also consider logging this incident with 101 not oration to be taken unless you want to but so they ate aware there are ongoing issues. He assaulted you the blocking is threatening behaviour.

And oh god the lights/bed/duvet thing. that could be my FW. (i am getting that lurch where because i am reading about this happening to you random it is clearly really fucked up and horrible in a way that i did not see clearly when it was me)

Stay safe random. And start planning. or do you have a plan already.

Thank you both for replying.

I have been told by others to contact WA but felt that I wasn't in a situation which warranted that connection to be made. I also feel deep down I don't want anyone to know what is going on - anyone in RL.

I feel so ashamed that this is my marriage. He hasn't been like this for many months but many posters did tell me he will not change, and he really hasn't.

I have no plan set up. No money as I'm a sahm. Leaving doesn't even feel like an option to me. I cannot have a failed marriage. But then I don't want to be controlled and scared like this either :( its so messed up.

yy mink to that awful lurch where you recognise your own FW but remember thinking it wasn't a big deal. Random's post has really affected me.

random this does warrant a call to WA. They are only as violent as they need to be, to control you. That might not have happened for a while if you've been 'toeing the line', but he can sense that you're not taking crap any more, hence this outburst to try to put you back in your place. Please do be careful.

Any failure in your marriage is not on your part. If you end things - you walk with your head held up high that you were incredibly strong to make a stand. Leaving is an option - you haven't a plan as you haven't thought of it yet, but there will be things that can be sorted.

random rest and process just now. but try not to be ashamed. you have nothing to be ashamed of. he is the twunt. he is the one who is failing you.

I know facing this in RL hard. it makes it real. and once it is real you are forced to deal with it. but sadly not only will he not change will probably get worse even if you were to surrender (which you should not have to. you are a person. you have the right to be yourself) he will still find something.

WA are like a version of mn in a way in that you can speak to them anonymously in confidence and it goes no further and they will only do as much or as little as you want. they will not judge. you can email them if you cannot say it out loud yet. (although ultimately if you want out they can help. and we can help too with a plan)

Although you will find that when you dosay it out loud although it is terrifying and powerful and raw and it will be hard it is also a release and the start of moving forwards to freedom.
You know what it is now. And once you can name it you will start to remove the chains. but baby steps for now. rest. You have had a hard day. remember this, it is not your fault. he is wrong to treat you like this. he should be ashamed he cannot even make asandwich how much less effort that would be than all the dramavhe has made over it. you have nothing to be ashamed if.

Keep yourself safe, random. If you have to apologise to stay safe, then do so. You do not have to stand up to him if it puts you in danger. Spare room if poss.

Thank you all for your words.

I slept well in the spare room. He was acting normal this morning, didn't say anything about last night, neither did I. He never apologies for what he does. He always says its my fault and that he isn't being aggressive . Well today he said nothing.

He even made his own lunch which is something else he wants me to do and when I don't do it he tries to guilt trip me 'what else don't you want to do for me'. I told him last night he can make it himself from this point forward, the excuse my sandwiches taste better are a load of crap!!

Going out to a group now but will try and get in contact with WA later knowing i can stay anonymous. I'm so happy i can share this with you all because I have always had to keep it to myself.