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Original poster

I told her

461 replies

Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 16:49

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

OP posts:
Soditall · 14/09/2013 10:40

His wife needed to know.God forbid this carried on for years and years with lots of different women and his poor wife none the wiser ended up catching something because of him and becoming seriously ill.

She has the facts now so she can make a decision about what she does about her marriage and so called husband.

He was a dick and you were stupid but don't include your children in what has happened it's none of they're concern they are after all just Children!

If you do tell them that shows an immaturity in your emotional behavior.

I really think you should find a councillor and not have any more contact of any type with this man,he phone's you ignore the call/texts if you don't think your strong enough to, change your number.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 14/09/2013 11:00

If I was the wife I probably would have wanted to know. (Well actually if I was the wife is rather you hadn't started sleeping with my husband but you can't have it all can you?!) I think the reason that people are being harsh to the OP is, as many others have said, this wasn't done out of concern for the wife, it was malicious. If it was genuine concern, why not give the husband a chance to tell her first, then tell her if he hadnt after a set period of time. If I was going to have to hear if I'd rather from him than some random woman.

However - you've done it and you can't change it now so there's no point dwelling, you need to think about what you do next. I think you should only tell your children if there is a realistic chance of them finding out from someone else. If there's isn't I agree with sodit they don't need to know, they're just children. Also agree that you should have no further contact, and do not respond if he contacts you.

If you are truly sorry for the hurt you've caused, and not just sorry for yourself, then the best thing you can do is to work on yourself so that you do not get yourself in a situation with a MM ever again.

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 11:14

This thread (and the one before it) is all about the relationship between the OP and the MM. From her point of view, she was in love with a man and although she knew he was cheating on his wife, she thought she could trust him and that he was only with his wife for the sake of the children and would eventually leave and be with her, blah, blah, blah...

She did not think of the wife, feel sorry for her or think she ought to know about the affair. She did not consider the wife at all, except as an obstacle, an inconvenience to be tolerated until enough time had passed and she and her true love could be together as was their destiny.

Then OP found out that MM was cheating on her with another woman. She was hurt, devastated, her world came crashing down. The scales fell from her eyes and she saw her relationship with MM for what it was - just one, sordid, empty affair in the long line of others. Meaningless, fun while it lasted (well, for him anyway) and over.

She was angry and she wanted him to feel the same pain. What would hurt him the most. What would make him remember her forever. Why should he be smug and happy and have everything, a wife, children, home, mistress? So she told. She brought his world crashing down around him too.

She wasn't thinking of the wife in any of this. The wife was just caught in the crossfire. That is what posters are angry about. Not the fact that she told. Most people on this thread have said that the wife had a right to know.

Now I know some people have said not to try and 'diagnose' the OP and I'm not going to. However, there are reasons why people behave the way they do. It is not too wide off the mark to suggest to OP that she see her gp.

And it's probably very risky to push someone so close to the edge. I have never condoned affairs in all these threads but she knows she was massively wrong, there is no point to keep telling her that. She came for help and to unburden her pain. After all, who could she go to in rl?

Someone on this thread said, 'You are feeling guilty, that is what you are supposed to feel'. That is the kind of support that can be offered without demonising her. And, hopefully, OP has learned how heartbreaking affairs are and will stay well away from MM from now on.

waltermittymissus · 14/09/2013 11:18

I don't think it's an out of line 'diagnosis' to say the OP should seek professional help.

I told her pages ago to do so, I'm not sorry for the suggestion. I think it's vital that she do some work on herself.

Her self-loathing, maliciousness, anger etc are not the emotions of a well rounded person. Not at this level.

She will benefit immensely from therapy to build esteem and learn how to expect and work at decent relationships.

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 11:23

I agree Walter. However the terms "borderline" and "bipolar" have also been bandied around on this thread.

gingerchick · 14/09/2013 11:46

What's done is done you can't change it but you can live and learn
Learn from this and move on beating yourself up is not helpful to anyone
You have taken responsibility for what you've done
Move on

ohcripes · 14/09/2013 11:52

I'm a psychotherapist. I've NC'd because I'm a fairly regular poster.

FWIW therapy of whatever flavour isn't a panacea for life's problems. The OP did wrong to herself and other's but therapy isn't necessarily indicated here.

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 12:03

Not even for her own self esteem cripes?

ohcripes · 14/09/2013 12:06

In my experience self esteem (however we theorise it) plays little part in influencing problematic relationships.

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 12:10

Really?

RhondaJean · 14/09/2013 12:10

I'm not sure self esteem is the issue here, nor am I convinced the best way to build self esteem is through therapy either.

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 12:15

I'm surprised cripes, I always thought that self esteem plays a big part in how you let others treat you.

camelindasand · 14/09/2013 12:23

This too shall pass OP. Remember that. The guilt may stay with you for years (I once had an EA) but it does get better. Try and disengage now, there is no more to be said to MM nor his poor wife.

ohcripes · 14/09/2013 12:33

Yes, I get that.

However the idea of not having enough, or too much of something which is assumed to reside 'within' the individual is a bit foggy. How much is not enough? How much is too much? How do you measure when you have enough?

Charbon · 14/09/2013 12:40

I want to clarify my post suggesting that there might be a mental health issue.

This was not to diagnose something that only a medically qualified professional can.

It was to flag up that the OP might have had a diagnosis already and might be struggling with treatment options for that, on top of this latest emotional upheaval.

The advice to seek professional help does not just mean therapeutic services.

This OP has another active thread where she says she was suicidal. The most responsible thing we can do as posters is to advise that an internet thread which is attracting angry posts is not the appropriate outlet for her distress, suggesting instead that she seeks RL assistance.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 14/09/2013 12:42

Agree Charbon.

SubliminalMassaging · 14/09/2013 12:45

Funnily enough, you didn't feel she had a right or a need to know when he was just shagging you, did you? Hmm

Jesus wept.

ohcripes · 14/09/2013 12:51

I think the OP has left the thread and I hope she is ok.

JustBecauseICan · 14/09/2013 12:54

I was on the other thread.

I think it's brave of you to admit you were wrong to contact her OP.

I am also Hmm at the amount of people on this thread who think you were wrong to do so as the OW, and yet if you'd been a wronged wife, they would (and are) the first to say "yes, you tell the OW's husband".

Two wrongs don't make a right. Crying over spilled milk. And any other truism you want to add.

You need to put it behind you now, lick your wounds in private and not contact either him or her again. She probably won't believe you anyway. And if she does, he'll make you sound like Glenn Close with the rabbit. Statistically nothing much will change for them. Apart from a little bit of her dying inside every time she sees him on his laptop or deleting a message of course.

I wish you well, and FWIW I'm another one who is sceptical of this new cure-all "have you thought about counselling?" stick-a-plaster on it and blame my emotions/hormones/upbringing/nasty teacher at school and a chat with a shrink will make me a better person thing.

mammadiggingdeep · 14/09/2013 12:56

Exactly subliminal. Exactly that.

Wellwobbly · 14/09/2013 12:59

"internet thread which is attracting angry posts is not the appropriate outlet for her distress, "

  • are you listening, guys?! Compassion is required.

You know, the Dalai Lama said something so deceptively simple yet so hard to do.
He said, '... can you not hurt people?' So much of what is wrong in our world is people hurting other people. And for what? To gain what?

Morris Zapp: 'I've given up trying to understand the level of vitriol MN gives to women who sleep with married men' - you clearly have never been cheated on, and so understandably can have NO concept of what a hugely destructive and damaging thing infidelity is on every level right up to your sense of what is real and not real.

The vitriol I presume is because the OW who is being scorned KNOWS he is married, that he is committed to caring about and protecting someone. Therefore, she is assisting a not very integrity filled person in the emotional, sexual and financial ABUSE (and it is abuse Morris, I can assure you) of another person who is unwitting and unknowing.

Cripes, if in your opinion these choices are not driven by self-esteem, what are they driven by?

Fairenuff · 14/09/2013 13:02

If it isn't self esteem that makes people act the way they do, what is it, their moral stance?

JustBecauseICan · 14/09/2013 13:04

We are all driven by self esteem.

The OP told the wife because she wanted her to hurt as much as she was hurting herself.

Scorned wives tell OW's husbands for exactly the same reason.

None of it makes anyone feel any better. Not if there is an ounce of humanity in their souls.

ohcripes · 14/09/2013 13:18

I didn't say driven I said influencing, language is important.

This is why I suggest that self esteem is such a foggy notion to work with on it's own. The way Fairenuff uses it suggests she believes it has protective qualities. You talk about self esteem almost as a force. Other's, I'm sure, have their ways of describing it. One thing is for sure though. It ain't some kind of chemical imbalance which therapy can top-up like fuel for a car.

I think choices are contextual. Context determines meaning in any relational exchange. Exploring the context is almost always a more useful way for people to explore 'how come'.

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 13:25

And part of the context is the person's internal context or beliefs about themselves (and the world and others) e.g. "I am worthless".