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Original poster

I told her

461 replies

Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 16:49

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 14/09/2013 09:04

I would think that anybody going through guilt, pain etc should be able to post in a relationships forum. What's done is done, and can't be changed. OP bitterly regrets her actions, what more would she have to do to make herself a valid person who deserves support? I can understand many people won't want to give her support, but to kick her when she's already down, that is what I don't get.

mammadiggingdeep · 14/09/2013 09:05

Not at all!!!!!!!!! When I discovered my xp was cheating on me....I was advised by a few friends to find out who the ow was etc etc. I didn't engage with that route. To me, that was almost irrelevant. Whoever she was, a) she wasn't worth it and b) she wasn't me, the mother of his two very young children so what the fuck was he thinking??? To this day I dint know who she was, didn't long for the chance to rip into her.....he had fucked me over and she truly was insignificant to me. If it wasn't her it would have been somebody else. I chose not to allow any more drama inti my life. I want to be happy and content in life and somethings will only cause you more pain and grief and drama.
When you're in the shit, try to limit it. Don't go asking for more shit. Or.....in this case.......when your married man then cheats on you, don't ask for more trouble by telling the wife to make yourself feel better. It backfired and now she's in agony over her decision.
Stop bashing other women on this thread and give the bloody op advice.

RichTeaAreCrap · 14/09/2013 09:08

OP ok, so you told his wife because you thought she had a right to know? So why didn't you tell her before he dumped you? Why didn't you think she had a right to know then?

That is what I am struggling with. You only think she had a 'right to know' when he had kicked you into touch. Funny that eh? She had a right to know while you were sleeping with her husband too. But for some reason you didn't think that she should know then. The only person you cared about then was you and what your gain was.

You have clearly only done this out of revenge and as a way of seeking attention. Had you done it before then and before your affair even started maybe people could give you the benefit of the doubt that your intentions were honourable. But no, these new found morals have only appeared because you are pissed off he has dumped you. Not because you have any remorse whatsoever for the poor wife.

I feel so sorry for the wife, what she must be going through right now is awful. You wanted her to feel as shit as you do. Well she will be feeling so much worse - you were just his bit on the side, she is his wife, the person he has vowed to stay faithful to.

EsTutMirLeid · 14/09/2013 09:16

It went on for 18 months though, she had 18 months to tell the wife. But she had no intention of coming clean out of 'respect' then, not until the married man dumped her and started a further affair. Her motives for telling the wife suck and she sent a text, which as another poster pointed out could have been read by anyone (including her children).

I have absolutely no sympathy with the op and I think she's lucky that some of you are being supportive. If you read her thread where she discovered the married man had dumped her and then this thread I'm not sure you'd be being so supportive.

My support is for the wife who has been betrayed by her husband for the last 18 months, for their children. Not for a woman who remained in a relationship with a married man for 18 months and not for the married arsehole of a man.

mammadiggingdeep · 14/09/2013 09:21

Exactly richtea.
Why do posters such as Morris always think people's responses stem from bitterness?? Could it be that we just have different moral standards?
Yes, I have been cheated on. However, I would have been disgusted with married men shagging about and women who knowingly have affairs with married men whether I had been cheated on or not. I don't think people should deceive or be deceitful. I don't think people should behave in a way that ruins other people's lives and hurts others. Treat other people as you would wish to be treated. Simple. I doubt very much the op would wish to be treated in the way she's treated the op's wife. The op does not deserve sympathy on this thread. If she was my friend in RL I wouldn't be sympathetic either!! Her behaviour stinks.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 14/09/2013 09:23

Stop angsting over whether you made the right decision or not, what's done is done.

I think you made 'the right decision' for the wrong reason, but that's irrelevant.

His wife now knows - which, while horrible to hear, is a good thing. It allows her to make decisions in full knowledge.

He didn't deserve you to 'keep his secret' and I hope his world does implode.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Yes, it was your own doing and you have hurt his wife a lot more than you are hurting, but I'm still sorry that you are.

I hope you have truely learnt from this and wont be party to another scummy man cheating on his wife in the future. If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else (and it has almost certainly been before you).

Give it at least another week before you even think about telling your children, then weight up the risk of them finding out elsewhere first. There are some things you really don't need to hear about your parents if at all possible. Learning one of them has had an affair skews your own ability to 'trust' in future relationships - so avoid telling them if at all possible.

Wipe your tears - get on with living a better life.

Chyochan · 14/09/2013 09:31

I too am very suspecious of posters who are sticking the boot in to this woman. Purely for example; Rich 'why didnt you tell her when you were with the guy'.
Well ffs the op has already gone through why, she was convinced by him that they were genuinly inlove, nieve I know but not uncommon.
'players' 'narcisists' whatever you choose to call them, there are people out there who will say and do anything to get what they want, and they can be EXTREAMLY convincing.

Most people have been taken in by one sometime or another, and before you ask, no I have never been an OW.
How do we know the wife isn't massively relieved to have her suspicions confirmed, she now has something solid the lying c**t cant wriggle out of or turn back on the wife, as in the old 'your just a mad and jealous person'.

RichTeaAreCrap · 14/09/2013 09:37

I don't disagree that the wife has a right to know. I have never been an OW or been cheated on, but if it was me I would also want to know.

The thing I disagree with is that the OP only decided to tell her now that she is feeling hurt by his actions. She may have been taken in and convinced that they were genuinely 'in love' but she still knew he had a wife that had a right to know a wife that they were both deceiving. But no, she was happy to keep his secret while it suited her and him. Now she has lost this excuse of a man she decides that his wife should know after all.

She wanted revenge on the MM and also on his wife. She is bitter that he has moved on from her yet the wife is still in his life so she decided that she would ruin that too. (although it is already ruined, the marriage is based on lies and cheating).

RhondaJean · 14/09/2013 09:38

Chipping, most useful post on this thread.

RichTeaAreCrap · 14/09/2013 09:39

Why are you suspicious Chyochan? What is there to be suspicious about? The OP has posted telling us all what she has done. In turn we are free to post our opinions on what she has done.

mammadiggingdeep · 14/09/2013 09:42

Was taken in by a narc/ player?? Wtf?! No she wasn't....she is not a victim!!!! She knew he was married!!!!! Married= not available. Back off and find somebody else!!! End of. There is never an excuse for becoming involved with a married person. Why would you want somebody else's spouse??? There has to be something wring with your self esteem to do so knowingly.

Chyochan · 14/09/2013 09:45

I dont believe for a second she wanted revenge on the wife, on the husband, for sure.
The wife was always on the scene, and I very much get from the OPs posts that she feels a lot of guilt in her direction.

The guy left the OP for another OW, maybe she wants revenge on her.

No, after some thought, I get that its just the lying cheat husband she wants revenge on.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 14/09/2013 09:48

I think the problem is that regardless of whether she wanted to take revenge on the wife, in telling her she has done.

RichTeaAreCrap · 14/09/2013 09:49

Exactly - 'the wife was always on the scene'. But she only decided it was the right thing to do to tell her now that she has been dumped?

So to get her revenge on him she decides to text his wife telling her of his affair. How decent of her. FFS a text message? The easy way out. Not decent enough to speak to her on the phone or even to ask to meet her and explain. No, just the cowards way out. As little intervention as possible for her, just enough to cause enough hurt to his wife.

If she only wanted revenge on him why did she text his wife? Why didn't she also text the new OW that he is seeing?

I really hope that his wife has kicked him out and all his actions are not coming home to haunt him.

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 09:49

OP to clarify, did you text this man's wife about his affair with you or just his affair with the other OW?

mammadiggingdeep · 14/09/2013 09:50

But by getting revenge on him, she hurt an innocent party (the only innocent party in the whole ugly story). You cannot act how you want in life and only afterwards stop to think about the pain you've caused. Or you can....but just dint expect sympathy.

mammadiggingdeep · 14/09/2013 09:53

Cannot believe women in this thread are pretty much defending her actions. I get that people make mistakes. The op is prob very nice, very normal. However, why would you wish to defend such behaviour??? I don't understand.

Upnotdown · 14/09/2013 10:01

The revenge element is not good at all BUT surely you'd want to know if it was your DH? I couldn't give a hoot who told me as long as I knew.

Chyochan · 14/09/2013 10:03

She has already stated she believed phoning would be harder for the wife, putting her on the spot, likewise other options.
And I think it has already been covered quite extensively above that;
a) people would rather know, whatever the motivations of the 'teller' and b) the realy damage to the wife is what has been going on, not finding out about it.
I know Im sounding peevey but, do you read posts before you post yourself? I know its not my place to tell you what you should or should not be doing but when reading something where someone is so obviously in quite a lot of distress I cant help feeling its on us to not stick the boot in and/or at least read what the person has said.

BellEndTent · 14/09/2013 10:04

Your intentions aside, I think you did the right thing. If he is still shagging about and his affair with you wasn't a one off mistake then he is obviously a rat of the highest order who doesn't deserve to be married and somebody needed to stop him in his tracks.

RichTeaAreCrap · 14/09/2013 10:12

Yes I do read posts before I post, if that question was aimed at me.

The damage to his wife was done when she first started sleeping with him.

Like I said, I agree that the wife needed to know. Its the timing of it all that stinks. The OP told her when it suited her (i.e. when she had been dumped), not when the wife needed to know.

Phoning would be harder for the wife, putting her on the spot? Ffs, are you really taken in by this? How lovely that the OP was considering the wife while she decided how to tell her! Not at all, a text message is the easiest way to hide.

I wonder what she told the wife? About her own affair with him or about the new OW. And I wonder if she also felt that the new OW also had a right to know.

The OP is in a lot of distress? I agree, but her distress is based on the fact that he has moved on to another OW. She is hurt that she has been dumped and that is why she has only just acted.

Lazyjaney · 14/09/2013 10:15

What MorrisZapp said. Bunch of hypocrites on here. Everyone says " tell the wife", when the OP does tell, they all scratch her eyes out.

Chyochan · 14/09/2013 10:23

Having read all the posts on here and all the posts on her other thread I havnt read any which supported or condoned the fact she has shagged someone else's partner.

What I have read though are posts which are trying to support and guide her, as a distressed person going through a very difficult time to a better place (somewhere where she is less likely to do something this destructive and selfish). See the difference there?

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2013 10:33

Yup, there is nothing op could have done that would satisfy the eye-scratchers. Tell, don't tell. Express remorse, don't express remorse. Shag him for fun, shag him for love. There is no way to win.

As for the fact of marriage alone being enough to make her back off, that's not real world advice. Loads if married people are in various stages of splitting, many live apart or are planning to. Many are in dead relationships but stay for the kids (look at this board for proof). The MM probably said some or all of this to OP. He was probably v convincing.

It's a crap day when the only way we can expect male fidelity is by terrorising other women away from them. It was up to him to protect his marriage but he actively chose not to. He's no prize, so putting op down as just his bit of stuff is pointless.

If he had left his wife for her, would she then be the chosen one, and the wife the meaningless bit of stuff?

Chyochan · 14/09/2013 10:37

Agree with Morris 100% on this one.