I told her

[Justwakingup]

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

It does have protective qualities in the sense of 'I'm not going to put up x I am worth more than that'. If you have good self esteem you will be able to protect yourself from falling into unhealthy relationships.

Exploring the context is almost always a more useful way for people to explore 'how come'.

And how would she do that, if not through therapy?

Just

The OP told the wife because she wanted her to hurt as much as she was hurting herself

No, she wanted to hurt him. The wife doesn't really come into it, she is a bit player in this drama as far as the OW is concerned.

The wife doesn't really come into it, she is a bit player in this drama as far as the OW is concerned.

This.

The wives rarely feature in the romance novel acted out by those having affairs. Unless she's the evil entity lurking in the background who doesn't understand him.

cripes have you missed the post where charbon mentions OP's thoughts of suicide?

Professional help is most definitely a necessity.

Absolutely beliefs play a crucial part - "I am worthless" is a belief which is part of a larger set of meanings individuals, families, communities, nations make of their direct experience in relationship with other's who are also in the act of doing the same. Self esteem may play some, or no part in this belief. Anger might be a more contextually useful path to explore in this respect.

Once people start questioning their beliefs and exploring other meanings which are more useful to them than those which keep them in problematic relationships, change usually occurs.

Once people start questioning their beliefs and exploring other meanings which are more useful to them than those which keep them in problematic relationships, change usually occurs

Again, how would she do this without therapy?

Thank you, Cripes that is very interesting.

If I was to put myself in an OWs shoes, I wonder how much anger has a part to play.

As in, I have been demeaned/devalued/fucked over in the past, possibly in my primary relationships, so I am going to get what I can, when I can, when I can get it, and FUCK YOU.

All subliminally.

Professional help is crucial where there is active intent of self harm or suicide. In these circumstances safety is the first and foremost intervention. Not therapy.

Therapy is a choice like any other. It has to be because it isn't an easy process. Not everyone can use it, not everyone who is advised or urged to seek it is in a position to undergo it's rigour, especially during a catastrophic event. And many people just don't want it no matter how bad things get.

Sometimes the most therapeutic relationships are with those who 'get' us, who have our best interests at heart, who don't rescue but stand by us.

Wellwobbly.....you hit the nail on the head when you said these posters cannot have any experience of the destruction that infidelity causes. Spot on. Let's hope they never have to experience it either. I doubt they'd be quite so understanding then.

I have experienced the pain of infidelity but it hasn't diminished my capacity, or desire, to understand and get alongside people who commit that, and worse.

I'd challenge that assumption though mamma. Perhaps not the destruction of infidelity, but some other destructive influence.

Perhaps her husband should have been thinking more about his own children Hogwash?

I would want to know, you have saved her a lifetime of shite and if it wasn't you it would be someone else down the line, now get off of MN and try to think about how you can out this behind you and never touch a MM ever ever again! Being on here won't make you feel better nor get you much sympathy.

Cripes, when it comes to 'my' OW, I am strangely ambivalent (but would like to get to forgiveness).

For instance: I do not blame her at all, for falling for what I fell for - how could I!? I know how ardent he can be.

But: that she came into MY house, admired photos of smiling, innocent children - and then fucked their father in their beds, and in my bed?

That is very very hard for me to come to terms with. Justbecause talks of being in a bubble and not thinking, which I can understand. But looking at photos of his other life, and being in his other life, is just going to take a very long time for me to get to a state of 'meh'.

Look,all you people thinking we are being far too hard on the OP - I understand she's hurting, I really do, but she has behaved abominably.

I'll put my hand up and say I've been the OW. My DH was married to someone else when I met him, (over 20 years ago now) no kids and he'd only be married three years. I was already separated. I understand how/why it happens. Some of us marry the wrong people, some of us fall out of love, yada yada. I also know that it is not always a bed of roses being the errant spouse or the OW/OM. It can be painfu, stressful, it can make you ill. Not as painful as for the poor, bewildered, devastated person left behind, but it can be very painful having to face up to what you are doing to another blameless, clueless person.

That said, I cannot imagine a situation where I ever would have done what the OP has done. It's just plain vindictive and spiteful,and utterly vengeful and lacking in good grace. and one thing you should always have as the OW is good grace. You should learn to lose gracefully, and quietly - it goes with the territory, and it's the least his wife deserves.

When you get involved with a married/attached person (especially one with kids I imagine) you accept as part of the deal that they are prepared to cheat and lie, and however much you may love them or think you love them, you will always know they are capable of duplicity and betrayal. They are capable of putting their own wants and needs before those of others.

At any point you know they may decide to knuckle down and commit to their marriage and tell you it's been nice and all that, but it has to stop. Sling your hook. It's the risk you live with every day. The other risk you live with every day is that if they can do this at all, they may be doing it with other people. You may not be the star-crossed, tragic pair kept apart by awkward circumstance that you like to imagine - you might just be the seedy bit on the side (or one of several) of a charming, lying, serial shagging snake of a man after all. It's the chance you take. At least own it with a bit of dignity.

And when you finally get your man (or someone else's in fact) as I did, you can never have that lovely, innocent lack of cynicism that you should have in a marriage, because you always wonder....and feel just a little bit vulnerable.

She'll stay with him anyway is my guess. I expect she knows exactly what he's like.

I wouldn't be too bothered op about any of it tbh as it's all so over.

You have learned from this and won't be drawn in by this kind of shit man again. He will convince his wife that he's sorry and that you're a deranged stalker.

On and on and on these merrygoround men love it all. Until they can't get an erection anymore.

She will stay, because she wants to and equally enjoys the drama and his hollow apologies.

It's just a sad load of crap all round.

Glad you told her. No matter what the motives. She will have to live with the decision to stay with the sad fecker.

I think some have missed some things that I posted so I wanted to clarify:

I did not EVER want 'revenge' on the wife, I feel sorry for her and I admit that my thoughts did not turn to her until I knew how she felt. Selfish, yes, but I am trying to be honest, not just say what people want to hear.

I had a choice, my choice was to either walk away, knowing that he was now in another affair, his situation hadnt changed, only his cake had. I would then feel the guilt of knowing his wife was being cheated on, plus the pain of knowing he had replaced me.

My other choice was to tell the wife, my pain is the same, the (other) OW womans pain would be probably like mine, the MMs pain would be great and the wifes even greater.

I chose the latter, not because I want to inflict pain on anyone, but I felt it was the right thing to do, even though it was driven by anger and revenge.

Also I dont think I said, maybe I did in the other thread, but I contacted the (other) OW a few days ago, she didnt know about me, I asked her to contact me and she didnt, and I can only presume that the MM told her not to.

When I told the wife (through text message, which was as polite and kind as I could manage, and also said I regretted the affair and was very sorry) I tried to make sure that it was a good time for her and that the children wouldnt be there, I had no way of KNOWING that, but I thought about it.

Thanks again for the supportinve posts.

Sorry I am a bit confused about being called immature for telling my children?

We live in a small town and if this gets out (which is very possibly could now) then I would rather my children heard it from me than from someone else. At least then they would be prepared.

No, you didn't want revenge on the wife, you wanted revenge on him.

She was just an unfortunate bit of collateral damage.

You are getting your revenge on him by convincing yourself that you've has a Damascean moment and that you must now do the morally right thing and come clean to her, and save her from the humiliation of being cheated on all over again with this new OW.

That's bollocks I'm afraid. You can't even own up to the fact that you were feeling vengeful and scorned. You still want to moralise over it.

Thats what I just said.

I dont want to moralise at all, I have just explained what I said, which was that I acted out of revenge.

Please don't tell our children unless they are near adults.

If they find out it will make little difference who told them. If you don't tell them there is a chance they may never know because this affair will not preoccupy the rest of the world in the way it is totally preoccupying you.

To be honest in the scheme of things the only people who care are you and the couple. In a matter of weeks people will have moved on and you will have hurt your children driven by a need to endlessly pick over this matter like a fowl scab.
Whatever drives that, only you know.

There is no need to hurt your children. If you do tell them you will, once again, be putting your need before theirs.
I thought you were trying to prevent more hurt rather than wilfully make matters worse?

your children obviously. Not our.