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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told her

461 replies

Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 16:49

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

OP posts:
WhiteandGreen · 13/09/2013 21:48

It's too soon to start thinking about feeling better about this. That will only happen with time. So if that is what you're aiming for in posting then I don't think it's going to happen. Especially on a board wirh so many 'wronged wives' on it. Which I think is why it comes across as attention seeking.

youvegotmail · 13/09/2013 21:51

We don't know the wife, or the 'other' OW or the husband - the only person who is here is the OP. She is the one posting, with an obvious need for feedback and quite probably support. Fine, if you don't like what she did then either say 'I don't like what you did' or ignore the thread. But to pile in calling her a horrible person, telling her she's deranged etc etc is just plain bullying and it's ugly to see. Well done to all of you for being so damn perfect that you can shit on other people from your pedestal.

OP, I don't know what I'd have done in your situation - but it's DONE. You took the actions that you took and now you have to find a way to move forwards with your life in the most positive way you can. Good luck finding a much nicer man in the future, when you like yourself enough to believe you're worthy of him.

maleview70 · 13/09/2013 22:05

Bogey...with hindsight I agree.

Apologies OP.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 13/09/2013 22:12

All I am hoping is that you have really learned, and I mean REALLY learned from what has come about this time and that you will never get yourself into this situation again.

Lives will be ruined, perhaps directly as a result of what you have done, perhaps not. It is fairly obvious that if you hadn't have been the other woman, many more would have filled your place.

I think in such situation you need to stop being so aggrieved and self pitying and remember the ones who have truly being hurt by this.

No amount of self loathing of self deprecation can change the situation now, so perhaps stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus more on your life without this man in it.

Charbon · 13/09/2013 22:16

You've had other threads about this relationship, haven't you?

I posted on one from an OP who reminds me of you. I advised that OP to get some professional help because the thread itself was a representation of what was happening in the affair and was, in transactional analysis terms, a 'game'.

Games that people play rely on strokes, but they are not required to be positive or negative. They are just required to be there in order to give the game-player attention of some sort.

There are often threads like this and their premise is to engage other posters entirely unwittingly in a game. They do not seek advice and if it is offered, it's not acted upon. Because that wasn't the objective. These are the threads where the OP goads, argues, contradicts, self-flagellates and defends.

I have a feeling that there might be a mental health issue involved here (possibly a personality disorder of some sort and if I had to guess, bipolar tendencies) and so my advice to you again is to get off the internet and get some professional help.

I see the latest events as further games and while I have no issue at all with the man's wife being given the truth, the manner in which you delivered it was cruel and further evidence of a game. The equivalent of writing a post and waiting for the flaming. It's possible that when she didn't reply straight away, you had to scratch that itch by posting this thread.

This thread cannot help you.

BMW6 · 13/09/2013 22:33

charbon

Very interesting and insightful post!

Havea0 · 13/09/2013 22:34

op. What do you mean by "if I had done nothing,He would have been the one with everything and I would have had nothing"?

Do you mean that you did it to take away what he had, that is a fanily life, so that you were both equal and neither of you had it?" To make yourselves both equal in some way?

Havea0 · 13/09/2013 22:35

Part of the game. Like a stalemate? Or both "out".

Havea0 · 13/09/2013 22:37

You dont feel much about anyone, including yourself , do you?

Havea0 · 13/09/2013 22:38

As Charbon says, be careful. Get some professional help.

WhiteandGreen · 13/09/2013 22:46

Charbon that is exactly what I've been thinking about this thread re transactional analysis - but somehow since this isn't a 'work' situation somehow couldn't articulate it!

OP please don't even think about telling your DC whilst you are in this heightened emotional state.

WhiteandGreen · 13/09/2013 22:53

Actually I'm going to reiterate this as I can't quite believe you wrote that you would...

OP please don't even think about telling your DC whilst you are in this heightened emotional state.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 07:50

I dont mean I wanted to take away his family life !!

I meant he would have had everything, including another secret affair ! I would have had nothing and his wife would be none the wiser.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 07:51

If he had ended things with me to go and repair his marriage, he would have done so with my blessing, he ended things before for that reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 07:51

No I am not the above poster, but a lot of it makes sense to me.

OP posts:
Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 14/09/2013 07:56

'With your blessing'?! Oh OP, you really didn't have the power in your relationship to give your blessing. That would imply an equal relationship where he cared about and respected your feelings.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 07:57

Which is what I thought it was. I know now that it wasmt

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 14/09/2013 08:06

Charbon

I was thinking borderline.

The remark about telling her children was ...

OP, stay calm, go and get some help. You CAN become a calmer more solid person.

Chyochan · 14/09/2013 08:27

Whats done is done, personaly, at the end of the day, I dont think you did anything wrong in telling her, lets be honest, its the husband who fuckedher over, not the OP, the fact he has moved from the OP to another OW shows its not as if the OP caused the affair, hes basicaly a cheat, fulll stop. And wouldn't you want to know if this was your partner, I know I would.
I dont think there is anyone alive who, even in the depths of the shock and heartache, when they've just found out, would say 'I wish I didn't know'.
Theres a reason for that, noone wants to live a lie however tragic the truth is, because lies dont last and anyone with half a brain would realise that kind of deciete would always come crashing down around the individuals involved, it always does.
Hopefully you told her you bitterly regretted the afair, and are aware of how shittly you have acted. I think thats the only thing you can do for her. Dont contact either of them again. Put the whole situation behind you, dont get involved in anything to do with it and try to compleatly disengage emotionally. Hard I know, try to talk to someone in RL.

Lizzabadger · 14/09/2013 08:33

Can we quit with the amateur diagnoses?

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2013 08:35

This thread is positively disturbing. I've given up trying to understand the level of vitriol MN gives to women who sleep with married men but even by the usual depressing standards it is hard to comprehend.

What would satisfy posters? The op crawling off and harming herself? Meanwhile the actual villain of the peice ie the utter shit who took vows then broke them is presumably meant to stay with his wife and kids and have his life unchanged by his disgusting behaviour?

It is wildly over the top to suggest that op sees a psychologist, takes time out of her life etc. A bloke flattered her, she shagged him, it happens every day.

The worst comment of all was from AnyFucker who asked who was looking after her kids while she was going through this. Lots of people on here need to look in a mirror and ask some questions about their own vindictive, bitter etc behaviour. I wonder if the cheating git will be called vile, vindictive etc. Nope, of course he won't. These are words we save for women, even when they aren't cheating on partners who trusted them and kids who need them.

MN at it's worst.

mammadiggingdeep · 14/09/2013 08:43

The man was vile. The op was pretty stupid to get involved with a married man- can only end in tears. The man's wife had a right to know, just a shame it was out of spite and revenge. An ugly episode from beginning to end.

It may be a bit dramatic for people to be suggesting physiologists etc but I would say that somebody who knowingly gets involved with a married man and then out of revenge tells the wife is probably not a fully together person. Who would want that level of drama in their life?? Some people thrive on it and seek it.

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2013 08:54

This whole board is full of posters, mainly women, who are in emotional pain or crisis because of their relationships. They don't usually get accused of enjoying the drama, so presumably it's another gem that's saved exclusively for OWs.

jojoanna · 14/09/2013 08:57

I don’t know the background of OP entire life.

She had sex with a married man.Loved the attention and the thrill of it all and then found out she wasn’t so special because he was a serial cheater.This annoyed and hurt her so much she texted his wife to tell her.

I would say she has very low morals ( I don’t know why) I would also say she texted because she was shocked and hurt and did it to get back at the mm.

OP needs to move on and stop posting about this. The guilt she is feeling is what you are supposed to feel. Its there to stop us behaving in a certain way.

The guilt has come a bit late in this case.

SisterMerror · 14/09/2013 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.