I told her

[Justwakingup]

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

I don't really understand why the OP is getting it in the neck for telling. The damage was done by having the affair. Before she was in the dark and have no choices, now she can see and decide what to do. With luck and a good dose of natural justice the MM will be forced to see what a SHIT he has been and get help to become a decent man. That might be a little optimistic of course but whatever he does his wife now has some control over her life.

Clearly the MM wasn't going to tell and wasn't going to stop so if OP hadn't told nothing would change.

I was a BS and I still say well done for doing the right thing whatever your motivations.

I don't understand why people are saying they don't understand! Several posters have explained why the OP isn't getting the warmest welcome!

However OP back to you. Your last post seems to suggest that you don't want to walk away from this thread, so let me ask you what you would like to get from it. You are lucky in that you have people posting both for and against you here, so if you want words of encouragement there are people who will do that, similarly if you want to be criticised there are people that will do that too! If you just want to keep telling us how bad you feel though I would suggest that isn't helping anyone, you need to think about what happens next.

I need to know how to get out of this cycle.

What is done is done, I cant change that, but I cant just 'move on' my head is full of what has happened and my brain is re-processing everything over and over and over.

He filled my thoughts when we were together and now those thoughts have been replaced by what I have done and what they are going through now.

My mind keeps imagining what would have been happening now if I hadnt told and wondering whether that was the best option.

Whatever anyone says I DO care about how she is feeling, I know she will be going through hell. Whilst I know I have to move on, I dont know how to do that without stopping caring what happens to her, if that makes sense. That feels so cold.

I dont know what should happen next. I need a plan but I have no idea where to start.

I think unfortunately feeling bad about the wife is part and parcel of being a willing participant in an affair I'm afraid. You aren't going to be able to stop feeling bad about it overnight. However it's not doing you or her any good to keep thinking about her. She certainly wouldn't thank you for it. If you truly want to move on then you need to think about what happens next for you. Do you want to forget about it all or do you want to dwell on it? From your posts I'm not convinced that you do want to move on, but correct me if I'm wrong.

You won't move on until you stop being in one of two states

1. thinking about it obsessively
2. doing everything not to think about it obsessively

What ever you do at the moment it is, in either case, your only focus . Itis getting you no where and it is, to be really little honest , just a grown up version of a mooning teenager.

You move on by taking small steps to do something different. You chose small things, small goals to work on until the mist clears enough to find a big goal and a big plan.
For me, I would plan to clear my DDs bedroom because it's a heap, go to some fitness classes and plan my sons up coming birthday . I would put my focus outside of my own emotional stuff and then try to think about what happened at specific times when I could be calm.
You are, to an extent and perhaps for reasons beyond your control, giving in to the emotional equivalent of pulling the duvet over your head.

Try and find some positive things to do that are not about you. That may stop you feeling so helpless. And maybe find a counsellor who you can talk things through logically with. More productive than endless self justification on the Internet.

Thank you.

I am on 3 waiting lists to see counsellors, unfortunately they are all over 6 months long, so that is impossible at the moment. I cant afford to go private.

I used to go the the gym a lot, I havent been in weeks because I am not eating enough and I think it would do me more harm than good, I will aim to eat enough today for me to go tomorrow.

I have things that I need to do, it just feels overwhelming, but I will try today to concentrate on one or two of them.

The idea of thinking about it at certain times - I will try that, thank you.

I really appreciate the support that I am getting, thank you, I dont feel so alone when I read here

I dont know if this makes sense, but I sort of wish I was him, or even her, so that I had somebody to sort this out with, or to get a punishment from.

I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed but one day I realised that I could keep doing this thing - trying to unpick it, wishing it were different, regretting my actions, blaming myself for everything - and in two years time I would still be sitting there miserable because there were no answers.
I couldn't undo my bad choices because they were there. The only thing I could do to make things better was to move forward and make better choices, add to the lives of the people around me and show my children what being kind and brave and positive and happy looked like.
Happiness is a choice. Your reaction to this is a choice.

I didn't have an affair. My feeling were brought on by the realisation that my son was profoundly disabled. I checked out for two years in the grip of grief and depression. I went through 'why me' etc for two years and it got me no where. I had to chose to change. Or I would still be on that sofa , under a duvet crying atthe world.

You are not helpless. Start to show yourself that. Make yourself do one positive thing each day and you can turn yourself around and be the mother your children deserve . Be the person you deserve.

I am going now because I am probably sounding like an arse and tbh only you can decide to wallow or to start to make changes.
Good luck.

I would suggest maybe try to help yourself with Mindfulness? There are lots of books out there, as it is very in at present. But if you need to break the patterns of your thoughts it could be what you need to help start that process.
And gives you something to do until you can see a proper counsellor.

Pag's advice is good and practical, please consider taking it OP.

Pagwatch your words are very poignant and have helped me a lot. I am going to be doing a lot of thinking about you today. I am glad that you have managed to gain something positive.

Octopus you couldnt be further from the truth

V good advice from pagwatch

OP I think you did the right thing, maybe not for the most admirable of reasons but its done now.
Now just stay away from both of them, I haven't read the entire thread so don't know yet if he's been in touch with you calling you for everything for 'running his life' but if he hasn't yet, he will do. Do NOT feel guilty over any pain you cause him, no matter what he says. Your regret and feeling guilty should be all about his wife. He was the one who made vows and broke them.

I hope you get over this in time and that next time you have a little crush on a married man, the way you feel right now, and the hurt and devastation around you is enough for you to walk away and make sure it doesn't go any further.
As someone who was, at least for a while, happy to accept being the OW, you need to work on your self esteem. YOU deserve better than being someone's dirty little secret, you deserve an open, honest, loving relationship. But to get that, you have to stick to men who and free and clear to be proud of being with you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Listen to Pag. Excellent advice.

I am glad that you are sorry for what you did.
fwiw, when I see the word regret, I sometimes get the opinion that someone is sorry for what they have done to their own life, but not necessarily anyone else's.

I can see here now, tht you are very sorry for everything. Well done.

Steps you can do.
I dont know if you are religious in the slightest. If you are, you can say sorry to God.

I am religious, I will pray for you.

Agreed that in all this, you cannot help the OW at this point in time, maybe never.

I saw a thread on here about a year ago, a bit like this. The OW was sorry too. Someone, I cant remember if it was me or not, suggested she do some voluntary work, and/or do some good deeds. Which is what she did. This wont help the wife, but it did help the other op to feel a little better about things, and life in general. So it might help youy
hth

I would love to walk away from everything and walk away from this thread and go off and live my life

Yes, well that isn't going to happen is it. You made a choice to have an affair with a MM and now you are facing the consequences. That is called 'being and adul't and 'taking responsibility'.

However, this has taken over and is ruling my head 24/7 I certainly cant 'sleep at night' now ive told her. I did not get any good feelings from telling her.

You are not supposed to get good feelings from telling her. Telling was for her benefit. To give her the information and let her decide what she wants to do with it. Nothing to do with you.

My feelings of guilt are washing over me constantly and it physically hurts

Good. That shows that you are having a normal reaction. This will last for some time. Accept it.

I am mourning for the loss of a man who didnt exist and I am torturing myself about what was the right thing to do. I keep returning to this thread because it is helping knowing that some people understand to a degree how I feel.

What was the right thing to do? This man had already left you before you told him wife so whether you told or not you would still be mourning over him. Again, perfectly normal reaction to the end of a relationship. You are not different to thousands of other people going through a break up.

All I want is for this mess to be cleared up as best possible. I have done some terrible things and I have lashed out when I was angry, I want to feel OK again but its like I feel guilty attempting to feel OK when I know that she has had the bottom ripped out of her world. Why should I ever smile again?

What mess? There is no mess. His relationship with his wife is nothing to do with you. You are starting to sound like you don't like the fact that attention is not on you any more. Get over yourself, you don't mean anything to either of them.

I need to know how to get out of this cycle

What cycle? You are not in a cycle.

What is done is done, I cant change that, but I cant just 'move on' my head is full of what has happened and my brain is re-processing everything over and over and over

This is called 'wallowing in self pity'. If you keep doing it you will be miserable. It's up to you.

He filled my thoughts when we were together and now those thoughts have been replaced by what I have done and what they are going through now

All normal. Move along, nothing to see here.

My mind keeps imagining what would have been happening now if I hadn't told and wondering whether that was the best option

The same thing would have happened. He would have left you. You would be feeling miserable.

Whatever anyone says I DO care about how she is feeling, I know she will be going through hell. Whilst I know I have to move on, I don't know how to do that without stopping caring what happens to her, if that makes sense. That feels so cold.

This is why posters are so angry with you. You are lying. You did not care one ounce for her when you were with him. You only feel sorry for yourself because of the guilt you feel now.

I dont know what should happen next. I need a plan but I have no idea where to start.

Leave this thread. Start a new one with a different name. Just say you have split with your boyfriend and lots of people will give you good advise and support. Do not mention MM or his wife.

Their relationship is for them to sort out. You just need to get over him. I am not convinced that you want to though. I think you like the drama and attention this thread is providing.

HTH

As pagwatch said, your choice is to wallow in the drama of it all or move on, make amends by being the best person in the future you can be and making those around you smile and have a better life because of the positive things you can bring. I know which path I would chose. Start with distraction therapy to stop you thinking of it so much. Stopping the gym was probably a bad idea, keep doing what is positive in your life, focus on friends, family and work.

I agree that you should name change, then just post as someone who's coping with a painful split.

You have a choice. You can accept that you've fucked up, you're human, but that it's in the past and all you can do is move forward and avoid making serious mistakes like this again... or you can dwell on it and flagellate yourself. And you have children. They need you more than anyone else ever will again, and they need you strong and in one piece and functioning. Dwelling on this tosser and his relationships (which are nothing to do with you) is using emotional energy they need, and wasting it on a dead end. Your guilt and pain won't help anyone. It won't even help you. Just push past this and move forward. It's the only decision you can make that avoids hurting anyone else - because their mum in this state will hurt them. You owe it to your kids to stop hating yourself, stop dwelling on it and try to distract yourself from it as much as possible until it recedes into the past.

Wow Fairenuff that was a powerful and constructive post.

There's some heat advice here OP.
Now chin up and concentrate on your children.

Heat should be great!

Thank you, there has been some great advice.

Kids are back in half an hour, were going for a walk. In the rain :-)

A name change won't change the fact that the relationship wasn't completely 'real', she was sharing him with his wife. If she n changes and starts a new post about a split, she will need to say it was an affair because it is VERY relevant.

But.....totally agree with rest of what fairenuff said !