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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told her

461 replies

Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 16:49

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

OP posts:
Havea0 · 14/09/2013 21:22

op. You have acted badly, and are sorry.
I presume you wont be doing the same behaviour again in the future, with someone else that is married?

Bogeyface · 14/09/2013 21:24

I think that there is a good point in "He wont be feeling as bad as you". No he wont, and he never ever will.

Even if his wife leaves him and takes him to the cleaners he will never feel as bad as you because he will never feel taken for a fool, humiliated, used.... So drop this now. He will never give you the reaction you crave, so do the most healthy thing you can for yourself and walk away. Perhaps taking time to look into why you are so obsessed about this along the way.

Hogwash · 14/09/2013 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 14/09/2013 21:56

Hogwash having been the wife in this situation, no banging nasties with another womans husband (I assume that whats you mean and are not intimating that the OP also had a lesbian affair with the wife?!) is not on. I am the very last person to apologise for the OW.

But....name calling doesnt add anything to the thread and just makes you look bad.

Hogwash · 14/09/2013 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 22:11

Why on earth would I tell my children to 'relish in the drama' ??

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 22:12

I didnt want anything 'evened up' !!!

OP posts:
Lazyjaney · 14/09/2013 22:12

Agree with MorrisZapp, much of this thread is absurd. Thread after thread on MN insists the wife be told, and now everyone kicks off on the OP for telling the wife.

The lesson is clearly keep schtum.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 22:14

Can I just say I dont want a reaction from him.

I hope he doesnt ever contact me again because I certainly wont be replying back if he does.

I have to walk away, the only person I will talk to and only if she asks, is his wife.

Its not about doing nothing though its about how I feel, the feelings of guilt are not just going to go and the hurt very much, that doesnt mean I am 'realishing' in the drama or that I want a reaction though!

OP posts:
Lazyjaney · 14/09/2013 22:22

OP you have done the correct thing, though clearly on MN your are damned whatever you do, the only good OW is one cast into the fiery furnace.

There's nothing more to be done now, walk away, don't tell your kids, and build a new life.

JustBecauseICan · 14/09/2013 22:23

You need to leave his wife alone. You've done enough.

You do also need to walk away yourself. From the whole thing, and possibly from this thread. Is it doing you any good? You were fucking a married man, for which you were never going to get any kind words on here. Then you discovered that you weren't the only one. So you decided to make other people hurt as you were hurting.

It's solved nothing really, has it? All you can do now is get on with your life and try and put it behind you.

And please don't even think of telling your children. You need to keep their respect and unconditional love for you. What on earth would telling them achieve? They will be saddened at best, and disgusted at worst. Don't do that to yourself, or them.

As I said before. I wish you well, but I think this thread is upsetting you more than you already are and you probably need to step away. I'm not a moraliser, I sometimes post in favour of OW, I sometimes post in favour of MM, I sometimes post in favour of wronged wives. The only thing I would never be in favour of is the truly self-damaging thing you've done in telling his wife. As was said before, she won't kick him out you know. You won't get him back after what you've done.

Floggingmolly · 14/09/2013 22:32

Oh for God's sake leave them alone now Hmm. His wife needs nothing from you. Your part in this unedifying mess is now over.

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2013 23:30

The OP hasn't said she plans to contact either of them again. Why is everybody telling her to leave them alone?

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2013 23:33

Hogwash, you seem to think that adults are objects that can be owned by other adults. It's not like nicking a pencil or a parking space. Grown men choose who they do naughties with, and belong entirely to themselves.

JustinBsMum · 14/09/2013 23:47

Do we know DW is destroyed by the info - perhaps she is extremely relieved as she had suspected for a long time DH was up to something. Perhaps she is pleased to have a definite reason to kick DH out the door. Perhaps she has a lover. - seems to be a lot of assumptions.

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2013 23:52

Totally agree justinb. Who knows how the dynamic of their marriage works.

Unlikelyamazonian · 15/09/2013 00:10

Lots of bitter words and demonising on this thread. I don't get it.

There seem to be loads of sad people picking on a woman who's been picked on and kicked to the gutter (as has his wife over and again) by some shit of a man.

I really don't get it.

The man is a disgrace.

The women are just the sideshow in his dirty games.

PrincessScrumpy · 15/09/2013 00:21

What a lovely woman you are.

Did you really think that although he was able to cheat on his wife he wouldn't have other mistresses? Why - because he seemed to be, loyal and trust worthy?

Unlikelyamazonian · 15/09/2013 00:38

Nice princess scrumpy. Really nice. Hmm

Buzzardbird · 15/09/2013 07:23

I would imagine that the op actually believed that he loved her? Why is that so hard to believe? I do know of cases where one person in a marriage genuinely fell in love with someone else (not mine thankfully). I think the mm deserves everything he gets, but not his poor wife who may have already known.
I am a little confused as to why it was necessary to tell the wife the ows name as surely that is going to damage her family too and she is guilty of falling for the same crap that you did?

50shadesofmeh · 15/09/2013 07:32

Pffft sorry I don't believe for one minute you are ' sorry ' for sleeping with him, more likely you are sorry he is with his wife rather than you . Stop faking concern for her, I was contacted by the OW when it ended with her faux concern for me and it was nothing but malice and sour grapes.

SubliminalMassaging · 15/09/2013 07:33

I don't always see the OW as a scheming husband stealing bitch, but then I refuse to see her as an innocent victim either. Unless an OW goes into a relationship genuinely believing that her new bloke is properly single (ie at the very least formally separated and living apart) and it turns out she's been lied to just like the wife, then I fail to see why she should be treated as a victim. She is as culpable as him, even if his family are not her direct responsibility. He should be the only one responsible for any hurt caused to them, not her, but then she can hardly expect much sympathy when it all goes tits up for her, surely?

50shadesofmeh · 15/09/2013 07:36

The married man is to blame 100% but I hate this false concern the OW express after everything has turned rmto shit. My partners OW told me ' at least I've told you now and I can sleep at night' how lovely eh!

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 15/09/2013 07:42

It's very easy to moralise from behind a screen.

Good for all you fabulous black and white thinking people who are so totally secure your heads and hearts would never ever be turned by the practised MM who says he is in love with you and only you.

Nobody knows how anyone really feels inside, what may have shaped your life, may have left you with vulnerabilities that are exploited by these men.

I wish you well OP. I don't know if you did the right thing, but leave them both to their lives and get some professional help to rebuild and reshape your own.

There is usually a reason predators recognise the vulnerable. Work on your self-protection and healing from this mess.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 15/09/2013 08:03

I would love to walk away from everything and walk away from this thread and go off and live my life.

However, this has taken over and is ruling my head 24/7 I certainly cant 'sleep at night' now ive told her. I did not get any good feelings from telling her.

I wont be contacting either of them again, I have said that several times, nobody needs to remind me to 'leave them alone'

I thought I had said earlier in the thread but perhaps not, I have been to the docs and am on AD's and anxiety tablets.

My feelings of guilt are washing over me constantly and it physically hurts.

I am mourning for the loss of a man who didnt exist and I am torturing myself about what was the right thing to do. I keep returning to this thread because it is helping knowing that some people understand to a degree how I feel.

All I want is for this mess to be cleared up as best possible. I have done some terrible things and I have lashed out when I was angry, I want to feel OK again but its like I feel guiltty attempting to feel OK when I know that she has had the bottom ripped out of her world. Why should I ever smile again?

OP posts: