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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I told her

461 replies

Justwakingup · 13/09/2013 16:49

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

OP posts:
SubliminalMassaging · 14/09/2013 17:39

But why?

I had a choice, my choice was to either walk away, knowing that he was now in another affair, his situation hadnt changed, only his cake had. I would then feel the guilt of knowing his wife was being cheated on, plus the pain of knowing he had replaced me.

Why was that choice not enough for you? She's being cheated on by a serial shagger either way. Why did you decide that it was suddenly the 'right thing to do' to tell her? Why not before? Because you would have pissed off your MM and probably lost him. Now you have nothing to lose as you've lost him anyway, and you're furious.

don't try to pretend you did this out of any duty or respect towards her.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 17:45

Im not trying to pretend that, I have said several times that I did it out of revenge, I did it for the wrong reasons and that is why I am feeling so guilty.

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 14/09/2013 17:50

I didn't read the other thread. But can you sum up what he told you about his wife when he first reeled you in?

Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 17:54

He told me that they were like brother and sister and that he was unhappy, but loved her and the children. He said that he had never had an affair before and I made his life complete, he would never be unfaithful if it wasnt for me, as our relationship was so special, I was his 'rock' I saved him from the brink, he couldnt imagine loving someone so much and not being married to her.

Amongst a lot more.

I feel for it all. As the new OW will have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 17:56

And at the end, where there was a crossover of around 2 months, he was still telling me exactly the same thing, he would have still had us both if I hadnt found out, he ended it with me when I discovered it, but even then he was trying to keep me sweet by saying he loved me but wanted to go back to work out his marriage. Had I not realised he was still seeing the OW then I would have walked away.

I actually hope they do sort their marriage out, without anyone else in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 17:58

*fell not feel

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 14/09/2013 18:15

Hhm. Just as i thought. They will sort their marriage out. She will stay and accept it but be in denial, he will continue to be the life-wrecking shit he always has been. Until...until what? His wife will know what he's like. They are both wrapped up in their own love story/drama/load of cobblers.

You just have to lick your wounds, never ever fall for such claptrap again, be glad that you have reminded her that she is living a half-life and willing to accept it, and rebuild your life and brain and heart as best you can.

What an utter utter shit he is.

ChanelTunel · 14/09/2013 18:31

Never bring your children into it.

blueshoes · 14/09/2013 18:31

Agree with Charbon 100%

Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 18:54

Chanel I wouldnt bring my children into anything, I said that I might have to tell them if they were going to find out from someone else. Course I dont want to tell them!

I think they will work things out too. I really hope that they do.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 14/09/2013 18:56

Again, OP is presented with a lose/ lose equation. If she says that she told the wife in order to have some kind of effect on her, she will be destroyed. If she says she told the wife purely to hurt the husband, this is also hated as it demonstrates that she doesn't factor the wife into her decision making.

I have seen the effects of affairs, close up, amongst my closest family and friends. My darling sister was cheated on twice, two different bastards. I would quite happily punched them in the face for the hurt they caused.

But I didn't give much thought to the OWs. I assumed that they too had fallen for the bullshitters lies, and had not set out to hurt my sister. Unlike the pathetic c* who had promised to love and cherish her. The OW could have been anybody. It's the person in the relationship who needs to explain themselves and feel guilt, not the person they cheated with.

Pagwatch · 14/09/2013 19:35

Op, you said

"I also think I am going to have to tell my children because I would rather they hear it from me than someone else." which sounded like you intended to tell them.
If you are not going to unless you are aware that this matter absoloutely is the subject of much discussion locally, that is better.

I still wouldn't tell them but ithinkyou you see it as positive and brave whereas I think it s burdening a child with shit they shouldn't deal with. I would be very surprised if they find out unless it's through you.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 20:13

I will only tell them if I have to and I am not going to give them the sordid details!

Where did I say it was positive and brave??!! its far from it, but I have made a mistake and I have to deal with it. Hopefully the MM and his wife will be thinking about their own children enough not to let this come out, but I have to expect that its possible.

OP posts:
Havea0 · 14/09/2013 20:29

Can I ask you a question op? [have been out all day]

I get the impression that you think that by telling the wife, that you have now evened things up in some way, between you and the OM.

But it all doesnt work that way.
An affair is not some sort of romance game, where you win and he wins. Ans then if it goes wrong, because you "lose", he needs to "lose" as well.

Havea0 · 14/09/2013 20:35

MZ. Minor point. You said upthread that posters want the OWs to be told. And then you said that they complain when they do.

Is it not possible that actually there are two groups of posters. One group saying tell, and one group saying dont tell?

Hogwash · 14/09/2013 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 14/09/2013 21:06

HOgwash I and it seems several others, reported your PP because you called the OP names and personal attacks are not on. Frankly if you cant articulate a decent post with resorting to name calling then your posts are not going to contribute much.

Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 21:08

Haveo - have you read the thread?? It hasnt done anything of the sort, I feel awful!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwakingup · 14/09/2013 21:09

I didnt read the insults anyway I have been working today, I probably deserved it but it doesnt help or change anything.

OP posts:
EsTutMirLeid · 14/09/2013 21:11

I get the feeling you want to tell your children because you are relishing the drama. Leave them out of it. You've helped (along with the married man) destroy one family by embarking on an affair and seeking revenge. You now intend to potentially destroy your relationship with your own children because?! What exactly?!

Don't be a fool, your children will not understand and they will lose all respect they had for you.

Floggingmolly · 14/09/2013 21:11

Maybe you should just accept that it's finished, as far as you're concerned, and whatever happens now between the mm and his wife will not involve you?

You seem determined not to relinquish the starring role you've carved out for yourself, wringing every ounce of drama out of a situation which is now finished.
Find something else to obsess over focus on, and don't suck your kids into this mess.

Havea0 · 14/09/2013 21:16

Yes I did read the thread. I dont think that I am understanding you completely.
Are you saying that you wanted things evened up, but that it hasnt worked because you are now feeling rotten, but wont be feeling as rotten as you?

Havea0 · 14/09/2013 21:18

left out the word he. buthe wont be as rotten as you

Havea0 · 14/09/2013 21:19

aarrghh

but he wont be feeling as rotten as you

siratt · 14/09/2013 21:22

Hi OP, how are you doing today? Please try and learn from this and avoid dating married men in future. You are hurting now, with time that will fade and you will be happy to not be involved with a man who can cheat and lie so easily.

Please don't contact his wife again, maybe some counselling for you to work through this. Is that possible?