Well that was the world's weirdest 'affair' ...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So an old flame got in touch a few years ago and we've met up a couple of times since, texted occasionally (think months going by) and had the odd conversation by phone. He's married with grown-up kids and probably (certainly) didn't tell DW about our friendship.... So this morning I get the 'I've decided to make a go of it with my wife' text. WTAF? Suddenly I'm not only the OW, I'm dumped, and I never even got my leg-over!

"If his wife had posted on here you would be painted as the OW and he would be having an EA."

And your point is? That no-one should ever have lunch with, text or talk to a married man without written permission from his wife in advance?

So how come you've said you'll be friends now only if his wife knows?

If he says she does know, will you still keep in touch?

Why didn't you say 'No thanks' to this latest request?

BTW, doubt anyone would be so naive as to think an old flame who was keeping the renewed contact secret from his wife didn't have other intentions. Would have been different if he hadn't been an ex or if he'd told his wife and wasn't keeping the whole thing a secret.

I reckon, he either sent to the wrong person or is using cog as a cover.

I do wonder if DW is a mumsnetter, she might even read this thread and recognise the text from the OP.

How very Eastenders.

Francesca I think your making more of what it is, perhaps from Cogs POV she just saw this as a casual acquaintance and didnt actually think that much of it.

Not unless your this guys wife.

And obviously someone thinks its more than it is, and Cog wants to make sure that this bizarre scene doesnt happen again.

"So how come you've said you'll be friends now only if his wife knows?"

When I say 'old flame' I mean from teenage years - which is 30 years ago for me now - rather than some serious adult relationship. And 'renewed contact' really does mean that months go by and there's no contact at all. When contact happens the conversation was not flirtatious or suggestive in the slightest! 'Secrecy' is also a big word in the context. I had nothing to be secret about and I don't think that makes me naive at all.

Why did I reply that way? ... because I am annoyed at the presumption.

FrancescaBell I think this was supposed to be a lighthearted amusing thread. Stop having a go. Nobody has had an affair here.

Wondering if he has had an affair and used you as a scapegoat...

Come on though, this is amusing. Cogito hasn't exactly been sharing pillow talk with this chap. He hasn't confided his deepest desires or talked about his marital woes. He's "emotionally clueless" and they've mostly talked "about his job" apparently. That's not typical of an EA. To find out you've been 'dumped' by someone who you don't think of from one week to the next (and who you'd expect to be the same) is really quite funny.

People are weird. Reminds me of an old friend who cut me off because he didn't think my then BF was good enough for me and it showed him that my judgement was off and therefore I wasn't worth keeping in his life.

perhaps from Cogs POV she just saw this as a casual acquaintance and didnt actually think that much of it

Well, yes. That was the whole point of the thread, surely? That someone you thought was a distant friend with whom you had very intermittent contact texts you out of the blue to tell you that your doomed love can never be and you are left thinking " You what?".

All the "well, you led him on by talking to him every few months, you shameless hussy" comments are just MN getting very weird. The side discussion about chocolate biscuits is much more classic MN.

Exactly Pachacuti, if i had that i'd be annoyed too, wondering whats gone on and whats been said about me.

A few texts and lunch is nothing, why do people seem to think otherwise.

Similar happened to me once. I went out for a drink with a work colleague who was a very shy, nervous sort of person but we liked the same bands. We went out for a drink because he said he needed to talk to me about something. I didn't think anything of this because I was in a relationship with someone else at work, so he knew my situation.

While out he told me that he'd found out his twin brother had taken an overdose in the past; a friend of theirs had mentioned it to him assuming he'd always known. He was very upset about this and didn't know what to do so we talked about that.

We walked home and he said he'd walk me to my flat where he knew my boyfriend was. Part way home he said, "What are we doing? We shouldn't be doing this".

I pointed out that nothing illicit was going on and reminded him my boyfriend was at my flat. He just said, "No, no, I can't do it" and left me to walk home on my own.

It was really strange! I've always wondered what was going on in his head.

Another time I was sent to Guernsey for a few days to give some training courses. I was quite excited and was talking about it to him and he stormed out of the office saying I didn't care who I left behind. How weird!

He was more senior to me at work and made my life a misery for months afterwards. In the end I asked to move department and talked to the personnel department so something was on record in case it happened to someone else.

Lindt, that was so weird, maybe he fancied you, but you werent interested, strange.

Ezio, I'd have sworn he was gay which was another reason why I hadn't thought anything of going out for a drink with him when he 'needed to talk'. It was very weird.

@Lindt70Percent... he sounds broken.

Maybe he was gonna come out to you and bottled it.

This thread = so much

Or he fancied your boyfriend. Could have been anything.

Maybe he was worried I was expecting a threesome! Who knows?

Or maybe he just a bit weird.

What this thread does however is show how easy it is for inappropriate contact to occur- (even if one sided and in one persons head). Once yuo become someones secret - things can quickly go array.

When someone is in a committed relationship, any external person who is not the 'same old boring person we see day in and out' suddenly becomes something new and exciting.

In this case I imagine the chaps DW paled in significance to Corgs - free spirited, self employed and independent trumps nappy changing, dinner cooking partner.

We are all flattered when someone shows an interest in us , just happens that this time Cargo got more of the wrong sort of interest.

Sure there's a lesson from all this and i'll wait for someone wiser to deduce it ...

Oh wait - they're too busy having an EA

OD is great for the "pre-emptive I'll claim I've rejected you before you have the chance to reject me" strike

Used to use match.com, good fun. Got an e-mail from one guy:

"It's a shame you're below my age range but if you're in X let me know and I'll buy you lunch. Oh you know I've got the same kind of dog as you."

I ignored it. Looked at his profile a few weeks later to peek at his dog photo . match.com shows if someone has viewed you. He e-mailed me straight away:

"Well I'm afraid you're not my type, and too young for me, sorry".

Or a few guys I've had 1st meets with text over and over again "as if we're actually in touch". I haven't replied to them for months beyond the first "sorry I'm getting back with my ex you're a weirdo" message

Reckon maybe its "emotionally safer" to have an imaginary relationship in their heads. Like teenage girls being in love with One Direction or something.

Maybe these men have little pictures of our heads stapled onto hand puppets:

Squeaky voice: "Oh darling, I want an affair with you so badly. Take me now, big boy!"

Man's voice (sadly): "I can't, Cogito my love. I just can't."

Maybe his wife found the puppets.

I've found out (thanks to the snooping tactics you guys helped me with) that my DH has been texting and meeting someone he had a relationship with in the past. He tells me the meets / texts arent that often and they are "old flames" but I feel he's overstepped a boundary and isn't respecting my wishes.

I'm fuming about it all and it's left me feeling emotionally vulnerable. It must be an EA after all there's no smoke without fire is there?

What should I do?