Well that was the world's weirdest 'affair' ...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So an old flame got in touch a few years ago and we've met up a couple of times since, texted occasionally (think months going by) and had the odd conversation by phone. He's married with grown-up kids and probably (certainly) didn't tell DW about our friendship.... So this morning I get the 'I've decided to make a go of it with my wife' text. WTAF? Suddenly I'm not only the OW, I'm dumped, and I never even got my leg-over!

At least your loon gave you the chance to say no thanks. :)

Meant in pure sarcasm and humour Corgito,

not that you'd not be capable of it... I just suspect you'd be as secretive as a bull in a china shop with chilli stuffed up it's bottom

So Cog does this mean we're no longer...y'know...?

Text him back and tell him you're pregnant and he's the father...

You see, this is why I don't date... I clearly have a fatal allure for knobbers.

(Hastily back-pedaling) ... not accusing anyone here of being knobbers. Just couldn't cope with the legions of love-lorn exes piled up on the doorstep having nostalgic demi-affairs with me.

Ooh, I had someone who used to be a close friend in my teens and early twenties, getting in touch again after 15 years. I met him a couple of times, as friends, with DP knowledge and realised why I had actually let things slide - I found him annoying and immature - but hey ho, put it down to experience. Then he kept phoning while drunk and DP said he was after me - I disagreed, I thought he was just drunk and irritating, and kept politely getting rid of him.

Then he sent me a "love" (actually mainly sex) poem about him and his "amazing new" girlfriend and what they do in bed. Nice.

It took until that point for the penny to drop with me that he had ulterior motives. Doh.

No, nostalgic demi-affair sex is crap. Although very safe.

Maybe it's not a cover story for his real affair, maybe he really just accidentally sent it to Cog.

Can you text back "Er, I think you must have meant to send this to someone else?" and see what his response is?

I'm pondering whisking you off tbh. You give such good advice I think you'd know how to sort out all my dilemmas. Your New Life would consist of sitting on my sofa being supplied with tea and your biscuit of choice and giving relationship advice to all my friends and family because I just cannot be arsed anymore

"It took until that point for the penny to drop with me that he had ulterior motives."

I think I'd have welcomed a motive, actually, ulterior or otherwise. You know, a bit of romantic off-feet sweeping stuff, declarations of love, removal of soot from eyes and 'No, no Wilfred, we musn't! Your wife suspects!' A bit of fucking passion for chrissakes.... BEFORE dumping me. What kind of arse does the dumping first?

That's it. Get me e-Harmony. I need to wreak revenge.

"being supplied with tea and your biscuit of choice"

A packet of Boubon Cremes and I'm yours.

I have had two love-lorn exes - they were nice guys and I do wish we could have stayed friends but I had to cut contact with them both because I couldn't deal with their mooning about.

The only ex I'm still in contact with, I'm only in contact with because I was his best woman at his civil partnership two years ago. He is still quite scathing about my snoring and untidiness and told his husband he taught me how to cook (NOT TRUE, totally the other way around). He does still call me his pet name from when we were together 12 years ago though.

Bourbon... bourbon.... see, I'm so rattled I can't even spell any more.

Bourbon cremes, really? This a New Life you're being whisked off to, don't you at least want those viennese shortcake biscuits half dipped in chocolate from M&S?

I dunno.

You have to wonder why you met up a few times and kept in touch with someone you describe as nerdy and with emotional shallows. I mean, I doubt you'd have done the same for an ex female friend from school, who fitted that description, would you?

If you also had a fair idea he was keeping this a secret from his wife, it's even odder.

What were you getting out of this then?

" I mean, I doubt you'd have done the same for an ex female friend from school, who fitted that description, would you?"

Newsflash... I am the nerdy female friend from school and, as it happens, yes I do swap a few texts and pick up the phone occasionally with all kinds of people. And as for any ideas of 'humouring', where does a friendly conversation stop and 'humouring' start? I'm not going to be painted the baddie in this one... sorry.

FrancescaBell, there's nothing wrong with being nerdy and she didn't say he had emotional shallows. She said he was earnest (not a bad thing), deep-thinking (not a bad thing), a nerd (not a bad thing), massively intelligent (not a bad thing), successful (not a bad thing) but emotionally clueless (a bit of a bad thing, but not really an issue with a friend you only see on a casual basis every few months, and no one's perfect). And the "emotionally clueless" was in the context of why she was fairly certain this wasn't just a cog in some vast Machiavellian emotional conspiracy on his part.

Nah, not buying it, sorry.

I think this was an ego boost that a guy was seeing you and keeping it from his wife. Maybe the thought that if you clicked your fingers he would have an affair was keeping you warm at night and that's why you're peeved.

Maybe his wife posted on here and the usual suspects over reacted and convinced her it was an EA and then demanded he did all manner of contrite things to make it OK?

There is a certain irony from the OP that will go over most heads.

I don't think two meetings, half a dozen texts and one or two phone conversations over the course of a few years exactly make a friendship. More a distant acquaintanceship. That's exactly the sort of contact you'd have with someone - male or female - from your past that you're not particularly keen on but don't want to go quite as far as saying, "I have no interest in ever seeing you again".

The meeting up is a little harder to explain away, as I've answered texts in a bid not to hurt someone's feelings but I've always managed to avoid a meet up, but perhaps it was unavoidable, involved others, or Cogito was put on the spot?

I don't see how anyone could be expected to recognise that the other party has romantic designs from that. I mean wouldn't you expect them to be a bit keener? If you're trying to persuade someone into an extra-marital affair you'd pop your clogs first if you're only texting once every 3 months, surely.

He wasn't 'seeing me'... that's the thing I'd like to get across. A conversation here, a text there and a couple of lunches. Maybe vanity/egoism did play a part and I'm sure curiosity was is there somewhere but if I'd wanted to 'click my fingers' it would have been very easy to do so. But I didn't. I really don't think this is my fault.

If his wife had posted on here you would be painted as the OW and he would be having an EA.

The irony is delicious.

I don't think Cogito is boasting or revelling in this. This is just the way some men behave. There are an awful lot of men out there who think a Facebook pm means you are in some kind of relationship with them, even if you completely ignore it!

On the meet-ups... that was just a case of 'I'm in town are you free for lunch?'. I work solo and it's not a strict 9-5 in some office so, when I get these kinds of requests, (from various friends) I usually leap at the chance to socialise.