Why do I put up with this?

[MoneyMug]

I have name changed for this.

I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.

I'll try not to make this too long.

We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.

Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.

Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.

DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.

I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.

I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.

Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.

OP, when I was on maternity leave, DH and I set out a budget for me and for him. Also included in the budget was what DH called the Maintenance Fund for me, this was a small amount of money each week that I was to use solely for me, not for DD, not for him but for me. It was his way of showing that he wanted me to know that what I needed for me was also important.

I cannot imagine living in fear of my partner the way you are right now.

Your whole situation is wrong, wrong, WRONG!

Time for a proper discussion about family finances. How you have allowed this man to take ALL of the family money while you are left on a shoe-string is beyond me. If he will not split your finances properly so that you can do what you need, he is a TWAT and needs dumping pronto.

Time to find your backbone OP. Do it for your child if nothing else.

I am really shocked in this day and age that women choose to live like this......

It's one thing for him to keep all of his wages to himself, that's bad enough but why the hell does he think he should have the tax credits and child benefit too?

Have you ever discussed m

It's one thing for him to keep all of his wages to himself, that's bad enough but why the hell does he think he should have the tax credits and child benefit too?

Have you ever discussed money or has he always been like this?

It's not right that you are too scared to raise it with him. I can't believe he is a good man if he is letting you and your children live like this.
Your mum's reaction is disappointing too.

Jesus - you really need to sit down with him and sort this out. Get the Child benefit changed to go into your account.

Why the hell does he think he's entitled to receive the child benefit? It doesn't take a genius to work out it's for the CHILD.

This man is an arsehole.
What the hell are you taking £25 out of the tax credits and giving him the rest for?
Is he charging you and your DC rent or something?
You don't need to ask him - tell him you're keeping the money!
What kind of nasty fucker lumps his childs birthday cake cost in with the pittance you are 'allowed' to keep??

And I'd like to know what his 'hobby' is OP, if you don't mind telling us.

I'd like to know what is more important than his children.

When you imagine having this type of conversation what do you think is the worst that can happen? What are you so worried about.

I think you situation sounds heartbreaking and is really unacceptable for you to be living like this. Its not OK. And that tells me that he is not as good a guy as you would like to make out. And I think you know that, this level of fear of a perfectly reasonable request indicates that he is not reasonable.

Sorry OP sounds miserable.

Sorry I don't have time to reply properly at the moment but I'll e back later. Thank you all for replying.

Yes, I think we can say for sure that he isn't a good bloke. Taking the Tax Credits and Child Benefit, for fucksake.

I'm sorry, but I can't agree that he's financially abusing you based on what you've said. You say you're both young - maybe he's just utterly clueless about your needs. You're a parent now too, you need to pull yourself together and have a conversation with him about this, for your kids' sake. It doesn't matter a damn if he gets resentful - he should have thought of this before getting you pregnant!

Hi moneymug, this is extremely odd. You do realise that don't you?

Why are you scared of discussing finances with him?

As per the others, both you and your OP need to sort out a fairer arrangement that benefits your kids appropriately within your means. If what you say is correct then I find it very strange that you think you need to give him a chance to realise that you can't make ends meet on that amount unless he is the world's most stupid person (which, going on what you've said he sounds far from, as he's in a great situation...).

You need to have the conversation now.

speechless

Hmm, there's a clue in what your mother said, I'm guessing. She might say you should stand up for yourself, but did she actually bring you up to do that? Were you encouraged to be independent-minded and forthright as a child? Did your parents have an equal partnership? I'm guessing this is where the mental block may originate. And once you've nailed the reason, you can maybe start working on how to get round it.

Because really, a family should totally not be living like this - one member hogging all the resources while the rest struggle.

I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

Well...he probably did know. After all he knows exactly how much money you have each week. So if there was £1 left in your purse, it's unlikely you had squirreled away the other £24 somewhere else for high living. So he took the last quid you had, the fucking git, knowing it was all you had.

This goes further than control; I reckon he's actually quite sadistic - flaunting all his new things bought for his "hobby" while you have a pound in your purse which he takes.

Why the hell didn't you say something when he took the only money you had?

If you dont speak up he will keep pretending its all fine. Theres just somethin about it all thats well.... Odd.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no

This ^

You need to talk to him. To me it sounds like hes happy being blind to it. You are being a bit of a martyr if you wont even bring it up. Flip it round.

'I offered to pay for the nappies but she just says no'... See where it might all be going wrong?

I'm truly shocked

And I say this in the nicest way- you need to stand up for your sake and the children's sakes.

He's financially abusive. And you and the children would be better off without him. Sorry.

I think the op is very young so go easy on her or she will stop listening.
I know it's hard, when I read that he has the child benefit I thought my head would physically explode with rage!
Op what have you decided to do?
Does he pay rent and bills and food?
Can you speak to his mum?

"'I offered to pay for the nappies but she just says no'... See where it might all be going wrong?"

No, not really.

She has two children in nappies. There won't be much change from £25 per week once they are all paid for.

Just because someone says no doesn't mean it's impossible to work out for yourself that they don't have anywhere near enough money.

Moneymug - are you ok?