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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Why do I put up with this?

295 replies

MoneyMug · 11/09/2013 14:40

I have name changed for this.

I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.

I'll try not to make this too long.

We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.

Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.

Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.

DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.

I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.

I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.

Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.

OP posts:
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TeaJunky · 12/09/2013 22:30

Well that's a positive thing. It shows that he IS committed on some levels.

It doesn't take away from financial situation though, money. And don't let it.

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gamerchick · 12/09/2013 22:30

The child benefit is easy if it's in your name..just ring them tomorrow and change the bank details.

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LoisPuddingLane · 12/09/2013 22:31

he is so good to me in every other way. He does housework and helps with the DC

That isn't being "so good to you". It's just normal. Doing the housework and looking after the kids is not a special favour to you, it's a normal part of being in a partnership.

I just cannot see how he is good to you if he leaves you with literally no money.

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TeaJunky · 12/09/2013 22:32

Lois - I think we've all established that what the op's DH is doing is wrong in any way you look at it. We're trying to move forward now.

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MoneyMug · 12/09/2013 22:33

I don't know. I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I know I sound absolutely pathetic but I need to work up to it.

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Wuldric · 12/09/2013 22:34

How old are you OP?

Because my grumpy 15 YO would be more savvy than this.

Also I have to ask why you have to wait until your DCs are in school to get a job. You don't, you know.

You need financial independence. Up to you to work out how you get that.

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LoisPuddingLane · 12/09/2013 22:37

Thanks for the memo, TeaJunky. I'll leave you all to it then.

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scallopsrgreat · 12/09/2013 22:38

MoneyMug he is abusing you. Financially certainly but with his attitude I would imagine in other ways too. This is absolutely dreadful. Please don't minimise it.

Here is the Rights of Women website.

Here is Women's Aid

Here is Citizen'sAdvice

There is absolutely no reason that he should be getting child benefit or any other benefits you are entitled too.

There is absolutely no reason why he shouldn't be paying for your children and you whilst you are not working and looking after the children.

He knows what he is doing to you. He isn't stupid. He knows you need money and that you haven't got any. He gets off on controlling you in this way. He is cruel.

Please contact (or at least look at the websites) of the links I've given. If you only contact one make it Women's Aid.

Take care.

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MoneyMug · 12/09/2013 22:39

I'm 22.

I'd love to get a job. Not just for the money. DC2 is only a few weeks old and ebf so I'll have to wait a while first. I've tried expressing, but so far he's another bottle refuser!

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TeaJunky · 12/09/2013 22:40

Why do you feel like you have to work yourself up to it, money?

What would you say is the one thing that makes you hesitate?

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MoneyMug · 12/09/2013 22:46

Thank you for the links. I'm on my phone at the moment but I'll look tomorrow when I'm on the laptop.

I really don't know. I'm thinking about that conversation with him and I know I will struggle to do it. I could just change the bank details without telling him as he doesn't check his bank statements, but that would just be wrong.

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WayHarshTai · 12/09/2013 22:49

It wouldn't be wrong. It is INSANE that he gets to spend the Child Benefit and half the tax credits on just himself, and you and the two DC are existing on £25 a week.

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elah11 · 12/09/2013 22:50

Threads like this make me so sad that there are people out there who seriously think this kind of behaviour is acceptable and normal :(. He is NOT a good guy, that's not the way normal loving parents and partners behave, it's just not. The fact that you cannot see that is incredibly sad and what's even worse is that your dc will grow up thinking that's ok.

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Bumpstarter · 12/09/2013 22:55

Is there anything else you are scared to talk about with him? Or just money? Have you ever had your own money?

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Inertia · 12/09/2013 22:57

Money, child benefit was originally set up for women in precisely your circumstance. Women who had no access to household funds and whose husbands refused to pay anything for their children, and would go without.

The child benefit is designed to pay for the needs of the children.

This man sounds awful.

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MoneyMug · 12/09/2013 23:00

Not that I can think of. It literally is just money.

I did when I worked. Before we lived together. We didn't move in together until DC1 was born. It's a long story.

I have to go to bed now as my DD is ill and she wants me to get into her bed. Thank you for talking with me. I really appreciate it.

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NoSquirrels · 12/09/2013 23:02

It wouldn't be wrong to do it - change the bank details. You pay for the kids stuff (he has made that clear). Child benefit is to benefit the children, to pay for what they need. You need to have it to spend on them. (Why was it set up that way anyway?)

If you like, when he notices, say the HV advised you to. But please please change it to come to your bank account.

And don't give him any tax credits till you can both sit down and draw up a FAIR, EQUAL budget of who's paying for what every month.

Kids get more expensive, not less. Please stand up for them, and for yourself. If he is a good guy, like you say he is, then this will make things better, not worse.

PS I am with the posters saying this is a really worrying thread. Please listen and act.

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BettyBottersBetterButter · 12/09/2013 23:03

Please call & get child benefit change to your account & tell your OH - if you don't want a confrontation just casually say you were talking to a friend & they pointed out it's meant to help cover costs relating to the children plus needs to go into your account or it will affect your pension. I really hope you take on board the excellent advise given on here & speak to either Women's Aid or at the very least CAB.

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NoSquirrels · 12/09/2013 23:03

Hope your DD feels better soon.

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Bumpstarter · 12/09/2013 23:10

I'm glad to hear you are not scared to discuss anything else. You are being very clear that this problem is not because your dp is abusive. Many people on here find this impossible to believe, however, you are the one who knows your situation best. Working on the premise that he is not abusing you, this is your problem, because it is you that can't talk about money. Does that sound right to you? In which case you need to do something which will raise your self esteem. Then you will be able to talk about it and agree a budget for your family with him.

Sleep,well, money mug. Money is important. It is not 'just money' it is trust and sharing and communication.

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Standautocorrected · 12/09/2013 23:12

Is he young money?
He sounds dreadful tbh.

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LeaningTowerOfGaffney · 12/09/2013 23:12

This is grim, OP :(

In my relationship we share all the money - nothing is monitored, nothing is debated, we just do what's best for us and the DC. That's normal, believe me. And helping with the housework and the DC? That's normal, too. It's not worthy of a medal or even of a mention, it's just part of a functional relationship.

I find this thread worrying too.

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MaireadnotMermaid · 12/09/2013 23:13

Do you have a children's centre locally?

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cansu · 12/09/2013 23:19

I am shocked. If you were living apart you would probably get more money than you are currently surviving on. He should be paying for the things the children and you need because you are a family. They are his children and you are taking care of them. If he can't see this he must be a moron. Perhaps you should find out the cost of a nursery for your two dc full time and tell him he will need to pay this whilst you are working outside the home.

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SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/09/2013 23:20

The child benefit should be going to you - I'm pretty confident you won't find a single person that disagrees with that.

I can only think that you're childless friend didn't fully understand what you were saying.

Love- if it takes you time to build up to asserting yourself- then a little bit of time working up to it, but do make sure you do it. You sound quite overwhelmed by the strength of feeling on this thread, but you really shouldn't be living like this while he's splashing the cash on his hobbies. Best wishes x

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