Why do I put up with this?

[MoneyMug]

I have name changed for this.

I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.

I'll try not to make this too long.

We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.

Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.

Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.

DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.

I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.

I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.

Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.

[MoneyMug]

He has to be willing to make this work or I will be leaving him. I mean that because its just not fair. It's not like I'm wanting to buy designer clothes and fritter money away. I want to be able to buy essential nappies and clothes for our children.

[cosydressinggown]

Yes - the child benefit and tax credits are for the kids, not for you or him. Make sure that you get them BOTH.

The remaining money (i.e. his salary) is for the family - be that rent, shopping, bills, haircuts (for both of you), hobbies (for both of you), days out and so on.

Childcare around here costs £1000 per month per child, so that is the equivalent of what he 'owes' you and what he would have to pay out if you weren't doing childcare. Remember that. Raise it. And if he says that you are 'lucky' again, say that it's not 'luck', it's a decision that you are making to be without a job in order to save you both this money, but that you think that the resulting lack of income for you should be reflected in the household budget.

FWIW I think you should lovely - very young, and trying your best.

[cosydressinggown]

*sound lovely, that should say!

[springyduffy]

oh well done for doing this OP! Did you get something for yourself? yy TC are for the kids but what are you wearing/how is your hair when you're out with the kids?

He may reacte very badly, irrationally, when it comes to light what you have done. Be prepared for that. I hope not, of course, and that this is an opportunity for him to see that he has been shockingly unreasonable; has, effectively, kept you in dire poverty - when there was absolutely no need

[saggyhairyarse]

I say this with kindness but you need to man up.

I have no idea how he can think you can manage on £25 a week even if he is paying all the bills and groceries etc. £25 a week does not go far at all. But, some men wouldn't have a clue unless you spell it out to them, or would choose to not acknowledge it because they are fine (thank you very much) or may be have outdated views that what they earn is theirs.

You are one unit and his income and tax and child benefit are to pay for the 4 of you. Most married couples would have a joint account that wages were paid into and bills came out of, a savings account and then two single accounts with half of an agreed surplus income each to spend on whatever.

You need to sit down and sort this out, hopefully he will be mortified when he realises what an unthinking fool he has been and you wont have to LTB because actually he is just an arse.

[springyduffy]

with all due respect I don't think you get the complexity of this situation hairy.

fyi she has just 'manned' up. What she has done is awesome - the first step is the hardest and she's done it. Don't knock her down.

[EricNorthmansFangbanger]

I have only just found this thread. I'm glad your are going to insist on the tax credits and child benefit being in your account - just as it should be.

I honestly don't know how you have managed all this time on so little and it makes me and how your partner has been. If he reacts negatively to you receiving all of the money, that is rightfully yours for your children, please do not stay with him. I hope he sees the error of his ways. How he has been able to spend (read waste) so much on his hobby whilst you've had nothing.....

[MoneyMug]

Well DP said I could have the tax credits. he was a bit quiet when I told him but he did agree so i was quite pleased.

He wanted to buy a new game at the weekend so we went into town. I started buying clothes ect for the DC from a few different shops. I think I spent about £50 altogether. I know that's alot, but it was all stuff that they needed. Every time I pick something up, he commented on it. For example
'look who's turned into a big spender'
'you're buying loads today'
'how much money have you got!'

even though I'd told him how much I'd got. It made me feel really uncomfortable and makes me feel guilty. He also mentioned that the rent was going out that week which he would never normally say to me. I had to read through this thread again as I was starting to doubt myself.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

He wanted to buy a new game at the weekend

How much did his game cost?

Great that he's agreed to you keeping the tax credits, but nothing has changed. He still thinks he's entitled to spend whatever he wants on shit for him and begrudges you spending the children's money on clothes for them.

By the way, I guarantee he will make a fuss about not being able to cover the rent and guilt you I to handing over money.

[QuintessentialShadows]

He is begrudging his own children clothes, while he buys games.


That tells you everything you need to know about this man.

[onefewernow]

Moneymug, you are doing well but keep going. You may well find he won't give up without a fight, and he comes back to guilt trip you with that rent discussion.

He must surely know that child benefit is paid for children's expenses .
You clearly both have issues with money- you in asking for it, and him in being "tight".

He is not a little boy any more- having a family is not about spending all the spare on yourself and sod everyone else.

I think it might be helpful to you to mention your anxiety issues to your GP. Some counselling may help you with that. Lots of people have it, and usually wish they had started sooner.

Finally can I say my sister was in a marriage for 25 years where he controlled the money, and used it to control her too. It got way worse over the years, and extended to other areas. She says now she can't believe that she allowed herself to put up with it, and it was some time after before she was able to stop herself continuing what he had done to her.

These things which don't get sorted from our childhoods for so long can cause such damage bit by bit, without us noticing. Don't let that happen to you.

[PedantMarina]

I am not heartened by this latest update, OP. Youvedone well, but he hasn't.

Still not Becca saying LTB, but do step it up a bit. Next time he even mentions a new game or owt, mention the rent, or DCs winter coat or shoes. Ask him peeringly "how much did THAT cost?!?". Turn it round. See how he likes it.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Is he still stealing the children's Child Benefit to pay for his expensive hobby?

[springybuffy]

DP said I could have the tax credits
Why does he get to make the decision, yay or nay, about what happens to the money? Is he your dad?

He wanted to buy a new game
Has he been doing that all along - buying games when you and the children have been living in absolute poverty? I find it hard to contain myself if so

I spent about £50 altogether. I know that's alot
That's not a lot! £500 would be 'a lot' but not £50, which is not much - especially as they've had nothing for so long.

even though I'd told him how much I'd got
Please don't tell him how much you've got. He knows what you've got - he's been spending it on games and ebay stuff

It made me feel really uncomfortable and makes me feel guilty
That's his plan

He also mentioned that the rent was going out that week which he would never normally say to me
drip drip. He'll make you pay for going against him

I'm sorry Money - this man is abusing you financially.

[HansieMom]

When he mentioned the rent going out, you could have said, maybe you should not get the game then.

[VoiceofRaisin]

Good advice from all. We know it's easier said than done, but try to take some of it . You have made a great start.

[Inertia]

And I bet the game wasn't far short of £50.

You didn't spend a lot , and it was all essentials for the children. If money is tight and rent is due then he shouldn't be buying games.

[MoneyMug]

I hadn't thought of it like that. The rent/game thing. And yes it was nearly £50! I'm glad I started this thread. When I start to doubt myself, o come back and read it again.

He did buy DD some shoes for the first time ever though. I should have mentioned that before. So there are some improvements.

[TeaJunky]

I was just going to say, I'll bet that game wasn't cheap!

I don't know how you put up with him, money I would have started hating him a long, long time ago.

[stowsettler]

Ohhhh I really don't like the way this is going. Obviously Money, you're doing really well by standing up to him and I'm not trying to patronise you - you really have done incredibly well because you're standing up to an abuser.

I agree with others who say that it doesn't matter whether he realises what he's doing - the fact remains that his selfishness is taking food from your DC's mouths and clothes from their backs. It really is as simple as that.

I suppose it may be possible to get what you're entitled to from him - and just for the record this is all the tax credits, all the child benefit and at least three quarters of what's left over from what he earns after bills and rent. But I seriously doubt it and you may find yourself battling for every poxy penny for the rest of your life.

Think VERY hard about whether this is what you want for yourself and your children. And good luck - you're doing an incredible job in the circumstances.

[showtunesgirl]

This is worse than I thought it was.

OP, you should not be feeling guilty for buying things for your children. It's not some big favour he's doing you here, giving you money for you to spend on your children should be the NORM and NOT a special treat!!!

[MoneyMug]

I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I need to change that. I am getting there, slowly.

[Busybusybust]

Money, you sound so lovely - you and you DCs deserve so much more than this abusive idiot.

[HansieMom]

I just wanted to say that for your small children, thrift shops are great! If I were you, I would want to go by myself, not have him hanging over your shoulder.

Others have stressed that you should get ALL the child benefit and child tax credit. I'm not in England, but that's what those are for, not him taking part of it to buy stupid games.

[Didactylos]

MoneyMug - just an idea but maybe take the 'rent thing' as an opportunity and ask him to discuss household budget/bills/outgoings overall as a lead in to sorting things out. You probably should know how much is being spent eg rent, bills etc and about what dates they come out - because you are a partner, an equal adult sharing in all these things, it will help you both budget over the weeks/months, and hopefully by normalising the issue lessen your anxiety and make it easier to discuss things in future. (And very cynically, if he does start messing about eg 'struggling' to prioritise the rent when he can afford to buy computer games you will have a handle on it and know when things are due/how much they cost)

but the big thing is to get through the mine/thine separation of finances and responsibilities hes got in his head. Whether its deliberate or not hes putting you under stress and depriving you and his children in this situation. Hope you stay positive, and good luck, keep posting.