I have name changed for this.
I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.
I'll try not to make this too long.
We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.
After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.
Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.
Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.
Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.
DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.
I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.
I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.
I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.
Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.
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Why do I put up with this?
MoneyMug · 11/09/2013 14:40
OP ask yourself, what did you hope would be the answer to your thread? Your title "why do I put up with this" suggests you know you should not have to.
You have had lots of validation of your POV that you are right to be resentful and you should not put up with it.
I hope this helps firm your resolve and give you the case to bring to your partner for changing the finances. and if he is not receptive to your point of view, then I hope it gives a New perspective on your rs that may help you decide your next move.
Hope DD is OK. you must be exhausted with a little one and an ill toddler and all the worry about money. 
Hi I'm back. Thanks to everyone for replying. I wasn't expecting so many replies.
Firstly I just want to say that I give the DC everything I can. The baby may only have 6 babygrows but they are washed and he always has a clean one on. The toddler has been in the same sized clothes for ages so has loads of clothes. She always has fitted Clarke shoes ect. I'm sure they get more than alot of children.
I thought my situation wasn't right, but I'm shocked by your responses. Is it really that bad? From what I've read on here, £25 would be quite a lot of money for some people.
I spoke to one of my old friends (childless) today. I told her everything and she thought it was fine so I'm a bit confused.
You've all made me realise that I do need to say/do something about this now. I'm not going to give DP any more money. I normally give him half of the TC. (£25 each) my grandad brought me some credit today so I will ring TC tomorrow to tell them about DC2. I'll be able to get DC2 some more babygrows at the weekend too.
Please don't worry about me. It really upset me to think someone was kept awake by me last night. 
honestly I am fine. I was just having a bad day yesterday and having a Moan. It's my own fault for being in this situation really. I shouldn't have let it go on for this long without saying something. I don't think DP is FA me though. I think it's more selfishness. I know that doesn't make it much better.
I'm not sure what else to say. Thank you all for your messages.
Money - I and I dont think anyone else here, doubted that you are giving your children the best care possible.
It shocked us, well me, because I have two children like yourself, and I am in charge of doing all the family shopping, be that food, gifts, toiletries , clothes, baby things, school things for older dd (4), and generally anything and everything (I draw the line at buying DH's clothes because a) he's a fussy git anyway and b) I'm not his mother 
).
Anyway! My point is, I actually know exactly how much money is spent every month, and the majority of it is on the kids things. It's SO expensive and they need so much stuff I can hardly keep up.
And I know for a FACT that £25 would never ever ever cover the costs of two kids in a week.
I make sure DH knows the price of everything that I buy for them. Not that he's ever complained/questioned, but just because sometimes even I am surprised at just how much money goes on baby/children's things and for the person who isn't in charge of the spending, it's good to have an overall idea where all the money is going.
So perhaps it just a matter of communication ; telling him exactly how much something cost, how frequently you buy it, so he KNOWS.
The other thing is though, the thing that bothered me about your op, was that you said you had to build up the courage to ask him for a portion of the tc. That made me feel as there is more than just naivety on his side, because you feel as though it will be an issue when you ask.
And really op, there shouldn't be and mustn't be because there IS extra, misspent money there to be had and you don't have to feel the pinch so much.
I'm glad you've made the decision to keep all of the tc and I echoe other posters who say you must keep the child benefit too. Whether you spend it or save it for your dcs will be upto you! And that £16 a week thing you wanted to do will be easily done as well.
P.s: and you didn't keep me awake at night I got up for dd anyway and she was full of snot so just lay there cuddling her wondering!
We got into a discussion about the cost of formula milk tonight. I asked him what we'd do if I stopped breastfeeding. His answer was that I'd have to pay for it because I buy all the DCs stuff. I thought he was joking at first so I kept asking really? Seriously? Then told him I wouldn't be able to afford it and they are his kids too. (I never would have said that before this thread, thank you!) so eventually he said, well I suppose I'd have to then. But I'd still expect you to pay for it sometimes.
Lucky I don't plan to stop breastfeeding then really, isn't it? 
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He sounds like a complete miser , money , if you don't mind me saying so 
The thing is, he is so good to me in every other way. He does housework and helps with the DC. We get on really well. Which makes me doubt myself when I start feeling resentful about money. I can't explain what I mean. 
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