Why do I put up with this?

[MoneyMug]

I have name changed for this.

I'm a SAHM to a newborn and toddler. The thing that's making me write this is that I want to do something, costing £16 a week, that will benefit my toddler. But I can't afford it, yet my DP can afford to spend £100's on his hobby.

I'll try not to make this too long.

We have lived together for over 2 years. The first year, I had very little money. I literally just managed to buy shampoo and take my DC1 to a £1 baby group once a week. No clothes/makeup/haircut. Luckily my mum brought most of DC1s clothes. DP paid all the bills nappies ect. I didn't ask DP for any money and he didnt give me any. I remember when all my money ran out and I only had £1 left (DP didn't know this) DP needed change and so borrowed it. I had saved it to be able to take DC1 to the baby group so obviously I couldn't go. I cried the whole day. I can't blame DP because he didn't know.

After a few weeks I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits, and I'd buy all of DC1s stuff with it. At least then I'd be able to treat her occasionally and take her to the baby group. So we agreed that the tax credits could go into my account, I'd keep £25 a week and give the rest to him.

Anyway we've had this arrangement for about a year now. So I buy nappies, wipes, cotton wool, clothes, shoes, toys, ect plus all non essential food items like toddler crisps ect.

Sometimes DP offers to pay for something but mist of the time I can tell it's a half hearted offer so I just say no. I'm stupid I know. But I can't take his money. Because that's how o see it. His money.
When we go shopping, he does the food and I have my own stuff, nappies ect, separate. (what must people think??) when we were buying DC1s birthday cake, DP put it with my stuff. He didn't even want to buy his own Childs birthday cake. Luckily I had enough money for it. We go halfs on their birthday presents.

Then I had DC2. Only a few weeks old and I haven't had the chance to contact tax credit yet so I've got to buy 2 lots of nappies ect with £25. I'm struggling. I haven't been able to give DP his money this month and I just didn't mention it. I didn't think he had noticed but i jokingly said 'I wish I had loads of money in my bank account!' and he said 'well you're luckily haven't taken any money off you.' so obviously he has noticed.
I don't know how he thinks I'm managing with £25. dC2 was a big baby. None of the newborn clothes I had brought fitted which meant I had to buy more. Only 6 babygrows fit. Icant afford to buy more.

DP spends so much on his hobby. Parcels every week. Sometimes more than one. It never used to bother me and I used to think this was normal. It's only since being on mumsnet that I realise it's not. To be fair we are very young and so maybe he doesn't realise. And I have never asked him for any money or told him I'm struggling.

I'm starting to get resentful though. I can't afford to get my haircut. My mum paid for it last year as a birthday present. I can't afford any clothes and none fit after having DC.

I can't ask him for money. I just can't. I have a mental block that just won't allow me.

I think about leaving him sometimes but I've got nowhere to go and no money. I'm not from this part of the country so doubt the council will house me either.

Thanks fir reading. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know nothing is going to change.

[totallydone]

If you leave you will get benefits --child benefit paid to you AND he will have to pay 20% of his wages for his children.
You will be rich compared to where you stand now.
This man knows exactly what he is doing. He is not nice and her is not a good father--don't kid yourself on that account.

Tell him to pay up or your off.

[gamerchick]

Funking hell lass.. seriously?

TELL him he's not getting the tax credits and tell him you want the child benefit as well to boot.

Have the conversation and take it from there.. nobody thanks somebody who just takes it and says nothing.

[MissStrawberry]

Massive missing of the point.

She can't stand up for herself.

He wants her to struggle or else really does not understand budgeting.

[gamerchick]

Some men really don't. Fuck some woman don't.

You have to have a conversation before throwing in the towel and this is one conversation that is well overdue.

[PedantMarina]

OK, my reply may be overtaken by events, but I have something to day, based on FA by both ex-husband and (to a major extent), the DGPs who raised me.

I am 49 years old and only, over the last decade and craploads of painful self-analysis and the love of a good man, been able to talk about money in any meaningful way.

I'm not disagreeing with all the posters who tell you that raising children is a PARTNERSHIP, and DP should be doing more to help.

But,...

Perhaps he's as [clueless] about all this as you are.

I was raised to know nothing about money, how it worked, etc. I didn't know how a stamp worked. I didn't know how banks make their money. I didn't know even the fundamentals, so even if I'd been encouraged to to, say, read the financial sections of the papers, I wouldn't have gotten the first bit about what they were saying. My DGM, widowed in her 80s, had to ask a [male] relative how to even write out a cheque for her own husband's funeral, because he never taught her.

So, I COMPLETELY get how hard this must be to talk about it.

I also get that a lot of people are saying he MUST be a bastard, etc, and frequently I'm among those, but between your own reluctance to talk about it, and what might be your ages (I'm not clear on how old you are), perhaps he really is that ignorant. So, I'm keeping an open mind.

But, as tough as it is, you MUST have the talk. Talk about finances. Start up a spreadsheet (or even a simple list) of everything it takes to raise a baby - take any records you've got and get as accurate an estimate as you can. Even if you get only a partial snapshot, you'll see that there's a lot more than £xx per week.

Then TALK!

What's important is not what's been before - viz the possible clueless DP - how he reacts to this will inform the next stage. If he's as [clueless] and simply not educated about finances and/or families, he might initially have a bit of a strop, but will, within days, perhaps even hours (depends on whom he consults) realise how bad this has all been for you and DCs.

(BTW, this is for a whole 'nother thread, but cloth nappies, once you get past the initial investment (and even factoring it in they're cheaper, but not on a week when you have nothing), are a total money-saver - I would be happy to send you DC's no-longer-needed ones, if you PM me).

[nopanicandverylittleanxiety]

You need to speak to him, then hopefully things will drastically change.

The ctc and child benefit should be kept in your account. So I would start with that personally.

[frogslegs35]

Oh please he's educated enough to know how to leave the childs birthday cake in OP's side of the shopping basket for her to pay for.
He's educated enough to know that by keeping OP and the Dc's in a life of poverty that he has more spends for his hobby.

Why the feck should she have to use cloth nappies? The children receive enough money from the government (TC's and CB) to allow her to use disposables if she wishes. I certainly wouldn't make my life as a mum any more time consuming and difficult to enable his penny pinching.

[clam]

Look, if you won't ask for yourself, then PLEASE find the courage to ask for your children.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read on here.

[LoisPuddingLane]

I'm finding the Relationships folder almost unbearable to read at the moment. So many people living lives in fear, putting up with horrendous shit in relationships, and unable to break out.

I wish you could all break out.

[FeelingWeirdNow]

OP are you ok? Are you about? I'm shocked at this thread, I feel like taking you to a big supermarket and letting you fill a trolley with stuff for you and the DCs.

I'm not being patronising by saying this.

You must know you have got to sort this with him. x

Come back to this thread! for you

[NandH]

Op, if anyfucker if speechless you know this is incredibly wrong!

I've read some awful things on here but this is right up there with the worst of them.

I have no advice to give that you havnt already been given, this is madness, get out! He is NOT a great man at all.

[NandH]

Do you drive op?

[camelindasand]

This thread has moved me to tears. OP please, please stand up for children. No-one else has and they are helpless. They don't need to live like this.

[AnyFucker]

Don't sort it out with him, make your plans to get away from him

[OhDearNigel]

I built up the courage to ask him if I could have some of the tax credits

This, for me, is a MASSIVE red flag. Why do you have to build up courage to inform the father of your children that you will be using the benefits provided by the government to feed and clothe them ????

Or, like some other woman's husband on another thread, does he think that the purpose of tax credits is to enable him to paint warhammer figurines or whatever it is that he does ?

Buying food and nappies separately ? Seriously, your finances are totally fucked up. You should be pooling all income and whatever is leftover can be split between you to do with as you please.

[DownstairsMixUp]

I do hope OP comes back :/

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Op it is this simple:
You as a couple get tax credits because you have dcs
you get child benefit because you have dcs

therefore, no children no tax credit and no child benefit.

if you op did not look after the dcs you as a couple would not be able to have dcs and/or he would not be able to work.

Therefore, without your contribution the family would have less money.

Any money you get because you have dcs is for the cost of raising dcs and that includes compensating you for loss of income. your tax credits claim is joint and takes into account that you have no income.

You need to either talk or walk.

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Keep repeating to yourself. it is not HIS money. it is not HIS money. it is not HIS money.
These are OUR children. this is OUR money.

[TeaJunky]

I think we've scared op away with our shock and outrage at her situation


Believe it or not, I woke up this morning for DD at 3am and I couldn't get the OP out of my mind, so I just lay there thinking about her and worrying.

Op, I hope you're ok and you come back to talk to us.

We promise we will be gentle.

If you are in Manchester and need a friend, I am here too. I can help.

Please come back and talk to us.

[LyraSilvertongue]

The child benefit is FOR THE CHILDREN, not for him to spend on himself.

You should not be putting up with this and he surely can't be so stupid that he hasn't noticed that you have nothing. You need to sit down and write out a fair budget.

The only reason you can't earn money of your own is because you're taking care of his children. Therefore "his" money belongs to all of you and you shouldn't have to ask for it.

Please don't put up with this for a second longer.

[LyraSilvertongue]

Op, can you tell us what part of the country you live in? There are people here who are willing to help in any way if you're local to them. I know I would be.

[MoneyMug]

I'm so sorry I haven't been back. My toddler is ill. I promise I'll be back later when she is asleep!

[TeaJunky]

Glad to hear from you op!

Hope DD is ok x

[JaceyBee]

I hope you do come back. People don't mean to sound harsh, they're worried for you and want to help

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

To clarify- when the two of you go to the supermarket, you have two separate trollies- yours and his?
That is insane. Are you partners or housemates?