Is this normal or insensitive. Sex?

[Workwhatwork]

I'm having a really shitty time right now with various things that are going on so I'm feeling quite low anyway.

Last night I was in bed with my boyfriend and I started trying it on with him. I was sort of cuddled up to his back and I started stroking his hair and back and kissing his back a bit, then touching him down there. I was running my hands up and down and then when I wernt to touch him down there again he blocked me with his arm so I took that to mean he didn't want sex and turn over to go to sleep.

He turned to me and said I was teasing him and started touching me down there. I wanted to have sex but I couldn't get wet and him touching me was hurting.

The thing is and I don't know whether it's just me, sorry for tmi, but I seem to be able to get wet more at certain times of the months, so just after my period I can't always get wet but just before I do. Sometimes my boyfriend hurts me when touching me, if he's trying to put his finger in me he will often miss by an inch or so and try to force it into the completely wrong place, he also uses spit as lube even though we have proper lube and I don't like it. Because of all this I think I've got quite jumpy especially when I'm not wet because I'm expecting for him to hurt me.

After a while of me not getting wet he started to go in a mood saying I was teasing him and obviously didn't want it as I'm not wet. I try to explain that just because I can't get wet doesn't mean I don't want to, and that sometimes it isn't just a case of sticking his hand down there for a fiddle and expecting me to have multiple orgasms, sometimes it is but sometimes I need a bit more foreplay.

It escalated into a row and he started doing over the top impressions of me jumping and saying "ooo, ooo, ahh, ahh" like a monkey as though that's what I was doing. I was a bit jumpy but it's because it was hurting and I was expecting him to try to shove his finger in where I have a wee like he often does. But apparently this is all my fault as he isn't doing anything different.

The other massve thing is, in the past, (we have been together 5 years), I have found out he has gone behind my back.

I've found out he's been on dating sites talking to other women. He says that this was when we had split up so almost doesn't matter. We were both on Facebook and he was chatting and flirting with women from chatrooms and stuff on there. He had a few younger women on there and when I asked who they were he said that they were girls from school who were a few years below him. He sort of joked that they would never look twice at him as they're too good looking (how's that supposed to make me feel) and that he'd only added them to make him look good. I also found out he had fake email addresses to use on dating sites. This was an ongoing thing over about 2 years and there were at least 10 different women I found him chatting and flirting with all from chatrooms or dating sites. I even caught him chatting with one the night after his grans funeral.

These are the things I found out, I of course don't know what else may have happened. But that I'm aware of nothing has happened since, he's no longer on Facebook and neither am I and he no longer has a computer or laptop aside from the one we share.

But last weekend I was looking through the photos on his phone. I never look at his phone so goes to show, but I was looking for some old photos of a concert we went to. And I came across a photo of a pair of boobs. No face just a top pulled up flashing the boobs, the photo was in downloads so I can only thing it was a picture message he'd been sent.

Of course I felt sick, asked him who it was. The story he gave was that he couldn't even remember her name, it was some woman from a dating site years ago and he didn't even realise it was still in the phone. But he tried to make out it wasn't a picture message but had been synced from his old laptop.

I told him to get out, it was over. But he wouldn't go, he seems to think that because it was all part of the things he was up to in the past and I'm supposed to have forgiven him, that I should just forget about it now.

But of course I can't, I don't trust him at all.

Then we went to a family party at the weekend. There was another woman on our table, a family friend. I started to feel as though he was making a particular point to speak to her. He rarely strikes up conversation with anyone and usually sits messing around with his phone but he kept making jokes to her, telling me to look at her phone case isn't it nice. Then I remember that she sent him a Christmas card last year and my name wasn't on it even though everyone elses were sent as couples.

This is how I've ended up as a result of what he's done in the past. Even if nothing is going on I feel as though he tries to get attention from young women to get an ego boost.

Sorry it's so long I just don't know what to think anymore.

I give up. How can any of this seem normal?

Sorry yes I am saying the same things, I#m just trying to be clear though on what exactly happens as I don't want people to think he's intentionally trying to go inside my urethra as some kind of fetish. I think that at worse he's been uncaring about where he's touching me although that is still bad.

I have a lot to take in and think about as I knew he was shit in many ways but hadn't even considered sexually. But something compelled me to write this thread. I was going to start a thread asking if you can evber forgive and trust again after past deceipt but somehow what went on in bed the other night just seemed to take over everything else.

I'm not surprised me describing what he does in the bath makes you feel sick it's making me angry just thinking about it. I thought perhaps I wss being fussy over his bad habits but seeing people confirm that it is gross and disrespectful is actually making me mad and dirty that I ever got into his bath water. I feel like an idiot for sitting there squashed up the end watching him fart and play with his arsehole.

I would feel a fraud ringing Women's Aid as it is not as though I am in any danger more that I just need to get a grip.

Well if you never get in a bath with him again, I feel we've helped a bit .

Seriously though, a loving kind man does not repeatedly hurt the most delicate part of your body for five years. Or if he does it shows either a gross lack of care, or a gross attitude towards your feelings.

Erm, accidentally touching you? You've been together for five years. That's plenty of time to learn where you like to be touched. Five years??! Come on, OP, wake up!

He sounds utterly foul and disgusting. I've been with my DH for more than ten years and have never seen anything half as disgusting as the arse picking. Your DP has absolutely no respect for you or your body. And the dating sites? That would be enough for me on its own.

Wake up, OP!

For what it's worth, having someone touch your personal bits is supposed to be thrilling, and exciting, and delicious. At the very least, comforting and lovely. Unless you are into pain, there is absolutely no situation in which having someone touch you should be painful.

Bloody he'll woman how on earth do you manage to organ every time, I'm impressed!

Hell

Stupid phone

Orgasm

Ffs

Five years and he still doesn't know how to touch you?!

That in itself is enough to dump him, IMO.

You seem to be desperately trying to persuade yourself and us that this poking and jabbing and hurting you is accidental, whilst actually admitting yourself, that it is entirely on purpose:

It wasn't always like this, I don't ever remember him hurting me at the start...

So if he was able to keep his nasty, filthy jabby fingers under control in the beginning, why can't he still...?

He can, of course, but he chooses not to. He chooses to hurt you.

I asked this before, and I appreciate you might not want to answer it. But what do your parents and friends think of him?

They don't like him much but that's because he's messed me around regarding moving in together and other stuff.

What I can't understand though is, why would he want to hurt me in that way? It seems a strange way to go about hurting someone. He doesn't hit me or anything else, he doesn't like rough sex or try to hurt me in any other way. So why would he? I need to understand.

I don't think many people are convinced to ltb by one thread.

OP, I think you're going to be viewing your boyfriend in a different light from now on.

Please don't let him move in and please don't have a baby with him.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to be ending it. I was already considering that when I started the thread. And it's certainly made me think that at best he's shit and very, very mean and insensitive. I don't think I can bear to get in the bath with him again either.

But then I don't know if I could stand to have sex with him either as all ill be thinking about is this thread and if he touches me like that again or says I'm not wet or lying funny I'm likely to just flip out.

You don't have to tell us what you are going to do/not do about this, love.

People are expressing shock and disgust at your partner's actions and concern about what state of mind you must be in to tolerate them.

That is all. What you do with that information is entirely up to you, of course.

I do understand you wanting to know why he does this - but without interrogating him, hooking him up to a lie detector or reading his mind, you may never know exactly why. However, given the length of time it's been going on, and given the COUNTLESS times you've told him you don't like it and that he's HURTING you - and he still continues - it's not unreasonable to assume that he likes doing this for whatever reason. Maybe he does have some sort of urethra fetish, maybe he does this particular thing because it demeans you, maybe he likes hurting you (some people do enjoy inflicting pain), or maybe it's a control/dominance thing - as in, he wants to show who's "boss" - or maybe it's a combination of some or all of those things.

Who knows why - but does it really matter ? The important thing here is that you protect yourself and get away not only from this specific behaviour but also from someone who treats you overall with so little respect. In the past, I've had relationships end, sometimes completely out of the blue - with no explanation, no whys - and I know it's torturous trying to justify why someone behaves like a shit. You tie yourself up in knots, you analyse your own behaviour to the nth degree, and you still don't understand - there's still no logic or sensible explanation. In the end, to get peace of mind, and move on from it, the ONLY explanation is perhaps the simplest - if someone behaves like a shit, it means they are a shit. End of.

He is at best a selfish and inconsiderate fool and that's why he hurts you or he does secretly enjoy causing you discomfort and pain which is controlling especially as he always insists you are/feel the opposite of what you say,
like gas lighting I think?
Both of the reasons I give are valid dumping material,he doesn't have rights to your body and you can stop and get up as soon as he does anything you don't like to you.
If you going to stay in the meantime I hope you do this and stop sharing a bath or do anything you don't want to.
I'm willing to bet he isn't nice out of the bedroom too.

Mn is a valuable place even if you don't post.

I'm SO glad you aren't getting in the bath with him again ! x

You're thinking about whether you could "stand to have sex with him".

In normal relationships that question doesn't arise.

There's only the issues of sex drive, time, tiredness etc..Partners generally don't have to think whether they can 'stand' to have sex with one another. There is mutual desire and consideration.

The fact that you think in these terms shows how abnormal your situation has become. He is truly gross and repellent.

I don't think the monkey noises were mocking you.. I think that is what he really is.. a fucking chimp.

I get the feeling he really hates himself and you. If its incompetence.. then the internet, porn and care would at least give him some hints..

I know gentle stroking of urethral area can be nice.. put thinking it is your vagina.. thats astonishing ignorance.. its almost as though he can't feel things with his fingers and/ or has never seen female genitals

I have to say that after five years of hinting, directly telling and persuading, topping that with how much info ison the net and how even the most uncaring porn never gets those two orifices mixed up (yes i know there is 'specialist' porn but that aint a mix up). All that is being demonstrated is, his total unsuitability as a sex partner.

This level of crapness at sex.. and I'm sure I have been at least some level of crap at sex on many occasions so it's not a perverse boast. .. is quite dramatic..

oh and by the way in the example you give. . perhaps the don't touch down below might have been 'I am enjoying the sensual stuff' or ' you are annoying me' or ' im not hard yet ( and am t herefore embarrassed). this confusion about wetness c a n be mirrored by women who assume an erection means sex is wanted then and no erection means stop all sex stuff.. but its weird that he doesn't agree with you after you have explained so often..

Something else happened last night.

Boyfriend was at mine as usual and we went up to bed. We got in bed and he put his arms out as if for me to lie on his chest. As I did he put his head up and head butted me hard in the eye. I suppose we bumped heads but I got annoyed as in my opinion he's clumsy, for example we were lying on the sofa one night and he kicked me in the face, he's swung around and elbowed me, he lies on my hair in bed.

Because of the shock of bumping heads I yelled you should be more careful you fucking idiot and ran downstairs. I know I shouldn't have but it really did hurt to the point that it brought tears felt like I'd been punched. Felt like he must have flung his head up pretty hard and fast to catch my eye like that.

I would have come back to bed in a minute or so but instead he followed me down and started pulling me off the sofa. As I resisted he picked up the clothes aired and started waving it around at me saying so you want me to really lose it do you? But instead he threw it on the floor breaking the. Leg off it. Apparently that's my fault for going downstairs. I ended up saying everything about in the bath, him hurting me he wasn't very sorry said I was basically making him out to be crap in bed and how it's hard to see what's what in the dark. It's as though he's nice one day and sorry and horrible the next. A bit more happened but can't post right now as he's waking up.

Work Please get out. Whether the head butt was clumsy or deliberate there's no mistaking pulling you off the couch or breaking the clothes airer. He's being violent with you and threatening worse.

he is being violent.

all these examples are calculated to hurt you whilst pretending they're accidents. then makes you out to be unreasonable.

it's going to get worse you know. and he'll make out it's all your fault.

wake up and smell the coffee. bag up his crap and dump it outside. text him to come and fetch it and change your locks.

do you have anything important of yours at his?

The head but may have been accidental, but I can tell you that a lot of abusers specialise in these sorts of "accidents." Combined with his other behaviour, I think the odds are good that it's deliberate.

And, of course, the airer thing....

Kick him the fuck out.

OP, you are in danger, really.

These are not accidents.

He hates you, and he wants to hurt you.

Please protect yourself.