Is this normal or insensitive. Sex?

[Workwhatwork]

I'm having a really shitty time right now with various things that are going on so I'm feeling quite low anyway.

Last night I was in bed with my boyfriend and I started trying it on with him. I was sort of cuddled up to his back and I started stroking his hair and back and kissing his back a bit, then touching him down there. I was running my hands up and down and then when I wernt to touch him down there again he blocked me with his arm so I took that to mean he didn't want sex and turn over to go to sleep.

He turned to me and said I was teasing him and started touching me down there. I wanted to have sex but I couldn't get wet and him touching me was hurting.

The thing is and I don't know whether it's just me, sorry for tmi, but I seem to be able to get wet more at certain times of the months, so just after my period I can't always get wet but just before I do. Sometimes my boyfriend hurts me when touching me, if he's trying to put his finger in me he will often miss by an inch or so and try to force it into the completely wrong place, he also uses spit as lube even though we have proper lube and I don't like it. Because of all this I think I've got quite jumpy especially when I'm not wet because I'm expecting for him to hurt me.

After a while of me not getting wet he started to go in a mood saying I was teasing him and obviously didn't want it as I'm not wet. I try to explain that just because I can't get wet doesn't mean I don't want to, and that sometimes it isn't just a case of sticking his hand down there for a fiddle and expecting me to have multiple orgasms, sometimes it is but sometimes I need a bit more foreplay.

It escalated into a row and he started doing over the top impressions of me jumping and saying "ooo, ooo, ahh, ahh" like a monkey as though that's what I was doing. I was a bit jumpy but it's because it was hurting and I was expecting him to try to shove his finger in where I have a wee like he often does. But apparently this is all my fault as he isn't doing anything different.

The other massve thing is, in the past, (we have been together 5 years), I have found out he has gone behind my back.

I've found out he's been on dating sites talking to other women. He says that this was when we had split up so almost doesn't matter. We were both on Facebook and he was chatting and flirting with women from chatrooms and stuff on there. He had a few younger women on there and when I asked who they were he said that they were girls from school who were a few years below him. He sort of joked that they would never look twice at him as they're too good looking (how's that supposed to make me feel) and that he'd only added them to make him look good. I also found out he had fake email addresses to use on dating sites. This was an ongoing thing over about 2 years and there were at least 10 different women I found him chatting and flirting with all from chatrooms or dating sites. I even caught him chatting with one the night after his grans funeral.

These are the things I found out, I of course don't know what else may have happened. But that I'm aware of nothing has happened since, he's no longer on Facebook and neither am I and he no longer has a computer or laptop aside from the one we share.

But last weekend I was looking through the photos on his phone. I never look at his phone so goes to show, but I was looking for some old photos of a concert we went to. And I came across a photo of a pair of boobs. No face just a top pulled up flashing the boobs, the photo was in downloads so I can only thing it was a picture message he'd been sent.

Of course I felt sick, asked him who it was. The story he gave was that he couldn't even remember her name, it was some woman from a dating site years ago and he didn't even realise it was still in the phone. But he tried to make out it wasn't a picture message but had been synced from his old laptop.

I told him to get out, it was over. But he wouldn't go, he seems to think that because it was all part of the things he was up to in the past and I'm supposed to have forgiven him, that I should just forget about it now.

But of course I can't, I don't trust him at all.

Then we went to a family party at the weekend. There was another woman on our table, a family friend. I started to feel as though he was making a particular point to speak to her. He rarely strikes up conversation with anyone and usually sits messing around with his phone but he kept making jokes to her, telling me to look at her phone case isn't it nice. Then I remember that she sent him a Christmas card last year and my name wasn't on it even though everyone elses were sent as couples.

This is how I've ended up as a result of what he's done in the past. Even if nothing is going on I feel as though he tries to get attention from young women to get an ego boost.

Sorry it's so long I just don't know what to think anymore.

OP, so you're staying with him?

No, that isn't what typical blokes do

Despite that explanation, OP, or perhaps because of it, he still sounds
absolutely vile. He hurts you repeatedly, doesn't listen to what you are telling him about your own body and sexual feelings, and subjects you to his arse play and stink.

A real catch there. Good luck.

So when he's trying to ram his finger up you, do you just lie there and say nothing?

Just in case you're under any illusions, Work, this is not normal.

What you're putting up with and accepting, and the way he treats you is not normal.

Sometimes people need this spelt out to them, because their own basis for comparison and previous life experience doesn't allow them to realise it themselves.

This is not normal.

NO, IT IS NOT NORMAL.

Just spelling it out too.

OP - you are fooling yourself.

There is no way, NO way in the world that after 5 years he would not know where to place his finger(s) if he was attempting to penetrate your vagina. Even if you were dry, it just feels different - and personally speaking, my urethra is so small that anyone who attempted to go there would have to be doing so deliberately. You say he does this "a lot" - well, 5 years is certainly a lot - once, twice, maybe even three times max, if someone was doing something, anything, which hurt me and it was the same thing each time, any bloody normal person would be upset and would not even try to do it again until they'd established what exactly it was they were doing wrong. But 5 years - it defies belief that this is anything except deliberate. Deliberate because he enjoys hurting you, and because he enjoys demeaning you ....

.... I wouldn't suggest Googling it but sadly there is a "genre" for every type of fetish imaginable and that includes penetrating a woman's urethra. With such repeated behaviour over such a long time, he either has an interest in that area himself and/or he simply likes hurting you. I can't help but feel this is all tied up with some desire to debase you - the so-called "romantic" bath (which most women would expect if their partner asked them to join them) also falls in this category. To have him more or less literally in your face scratching and fiddling with his anus - when you've not agreed to this in any way shape or form - is revolting. It's like he has utterly no respect for you and is showing this by forcing you to witness a part of his anatomy in close proximity which may or may not be clean - as I said before, almost daring you to object so he can have a go at you (again). Even though the vast majority of people - unless they are into anal play and have consented - would find what you describe repulsive.

He is NOT being a typical bloke, believe me. He is being an abusive bloke.

For goodness sake get your head out of the sand before he really hurts you bad or destroys every last shred of self esteem you possess. You clearly don't like this - understandably - so stop trying to "normalise" it by describing at length how "aroused" you are or not. Please listen to all of us when we say that has nothing to do with the issue in hand. Neither is it ignorance in the sense he doesn't know what he's doing. He's controlling you, and is absolutely vile.

It might help you to see things more objectively if you spoke to someone at Women's Aid. What he's doing is sexually abusing you.

What a vile creature he is.

Why do you need that in your life?!

OP are you frightened of him, has he every been violent? It's just I'm struggling to see why you'd put up with this.

Valium no I don't just lie there and say nothing I tell him that hurts or to be gentle or I move his hand. I have even lost my temper and just got up and left too because even though I've asked him to be careful he's done it again.

Please understand I do not just allow him to hurt me, I know what I like and don't like and tell him.

But when I say ouch or not there or move his hand he just does it again, I'm not trying to normalise anything I'm just trying to explain that I don't think he's intentionally trying to penetrate my urethane I think he's trying to go inside me and when I tell him he's off the mark he says its because I'm not wet or lying funny, he says I'm too sensitive and he's not doing anything differently or I never used to be like this.

I don't let him I do stop it but the other night took the piss the way he was doing impressions of me.

No I'm not saying I'm staying with him, I've felt like I should end it for good for a long time because of the lack of trust etc. Also his own house isn't horrible it's really nice only it needs work to rent out, I know this is irrelevant probably.

But every time I talk to him he talks me round. The other night I had a go at him about the sex and about the wet, not wet. About him hurting me, doing impressions. He said he was really sorry, begged me to please forgive him and then asked me if I'd been reading up on it? As though I wouldn't just naturally understand my body.

I'm not scared of him only he convinces me one thing then I read on here and start hating him.

Urethra

You DO allow him to hurt you. You may speak up at the time, but you stay with him so that he can do it again and again and again. Your protests mean nothing because there are no bad consequences for him other than you being cross, which I don't suppose he gives a shiny shit about.

The monkey impressions thing is just horrible

I do not just allow him to hurt me

If he's been doing this for five years, that is EXACTLY what you are doing. It's nothing to do with your dryness or otherwise, or laying funny, or being too sensitive. You are letting this man repeatedly hurt you. As I said before, once would be it for me.

I have been with quite a few men who were virgins. I don't know why, they seem to be attracted to me. NOT ONE OF THEM DID THIS TO ME.

I agree with mad bus.

Yes, of course you allow him to hurt you. It may be indirectly that you allow it, but you're still allowing it.

Why do you continually allow him to talk you round, when you know in your heart of hearts that nothing is ever, ever going to change?

I'm sorry sweetheart but a) this has been going on for 5 years and b0 he's not some schoolboy virgin who genuinely has no ideas how a woman's body works. He's 30 plus FFS.

To be absolutely frank, if he was trying to enter your vagina but couldn't find it, by now, if he cared one jot for not hurting you and not upsetting you he would have had an honest discussion with you about it and together, you would have allowed him to look at your body and effectively instructed him where to touch, where not to touch, what feels good, what doesn't etc.

This is NOT some case of excrutiating embarrassment such as never talking about sex, and/or always doing it in the dark. Anyone who can more or less shove his arsehole in your face and finger himself there would not be awkward about sorting this issue out - if he wanted to. Which he DOESN'T.

You know, as I think I said before, it really doesn't matter so much what he's doing - the only thing that matters is that he's repeatedly doing something he KNOWS you don't like and KNOWS hurts you. Presumably he also knows you've endured several UTIs ?

That is the issue here - that he has continued to hurt you again and again and again, and then "blamed" you each time with stupid, intelligence insulting remarks about you not being wet enough and so on. Forget that - you know your own body .... you know that in the middle of the day when you're not sexually aroused that your vagina would still feel different and still be in a different place to your urethra. Yes, they're close but they're not that bloody close and they do not feel the same.

There is absolutely no way this is some sort of accident. Don't you think that if someone who loved you "accidentally" hurt you they'd want to sort it out as soon as possible ? Let alone continue "accidentally" hurting you for five years! The fact you've TOLD him it hurts and he still does it over and over and over without any attempt whatsoever to alter his technique or have a good old look at you so he can see what he's doing means he likes hurting you. THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION.

And if he's picking his arsehole, he'll have shit under his fingernails, which he is then introducing to your wee hole.

The monkey impressions thing is actually mind-boggling.

He is making fun of you being in pain because he is so crap at sex.

He should be be mortified. Anyone with half a clue would be. Utterly mortified.

But instead, he makes fun of you. Is he a bit stupid, or sub-intelligent, or something? Does he not realise he's the total idiot in this scenario...?

No wonder your getting uti's.
please get out, the wetness is a non issue. His disregard for you, he should want to please you, if he's 'accidentally' getting the wrong hole he should want to learn how to please you. The picking bum - vile creature

Have just read back through your other posts and there are red flags all over the place which indicate he ENJOYS hurting you:

• regardless of where he intends to go (as if that is in any doubt) he uses "STABBY" fingers. Which is nasty.

• he never kisses you or pays any attention to other bits of your body. Including your mind as he takes no account of your feelings.

• he uses spit instead of lube. Even though you've told him you DON'T LIKE it and it doesn't work. But he keeps doing it anyway because all this selfish nasty shit cares about is himself. Spitting - either directly onto you or maybe his hand - is also debasing when you've not agreed to it. In fact it's fucking ^contemptuous.

• chatroom "chat" in his past, strange pics on his phone ..... which he minimises.

This "man" doesn't give a flying toss about you. I'm sorry if that's harsh and upsetting but it's true. No matter he says the "right" things when you get angry enough - talks you round - it's his actions you should be paying attention to.

Regarding the baths - if you know he's going to sit there and arse-pick and fart, why on earth do you get in with him? I don't think there is enough money on earth to persuade me to take a bath with an arse-picking farty cunt.

Sweetheart, you get to decide if you want to end a relationship. You don't have to change your mind just because the man asks you to. If you want out, just end it, and stick to it. You don't even have to listen to his whines and pleadings, just walk away. If you want it to end, then you have the right to end it. I can't imagine how you would want to stay with this pig, but I think you don't really believe you get to have choices do you? If a man kept stabbing my vagina and insisting I was horny when I said no, or mocking me for being abnormal and not wet enough, I would simply stop having sex with him. If a man did anything as gross as you describe in the bath, even once, I would dump him never get in the bath with him again. Yet you keep allowing this to happen because you keep giving him chances. Why? Your know what he's like.

Absolutely what EhricLTQ says, times 10.

Do dump this man before you get even more involved, get pregnant or something else.

What do you expect from him?

He's filthy. And, not in a good way.