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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I do not, and will ever understand men.

143 replies

watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 09:19

Dating, horribly for years, no luck.

This weekend this has been the chain of events:

Nice date on friday, lovely. He stayed in contact sat but didnt ask for a second date, sometimes made some odd comments, ended up at the end of the day asking for full lenght pics of me in my underwear. sleeze.

Set up a date for this morning, chatting all sat and sun,was going to be some sort of casual thing, ok for both of us... ie - it was going to be easy for him.... he stops replying late last night, get no response this morning so tell him in not going to be there.... arsehole

been chatting to a guy who lives a distance away, had plans to meet up, he texts me sat, i respond, he never replies. I whatsapp and then skype when hes online on both... no response. dickhead.

3 shit things in the space of 2 days. pretty much more than i can handle and am wondering if im so god damn awful and unattractive...
because otherwise none of it makes any sense.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 09/09/2013 14:37

OK. LIke I say, it was just friendly advice which I hoped I had couched in sympathetic and friendly terms but there you go. I shall retire from this thread! Good luck!

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:37

but did they ask for your number and try to take it further?
i get interest... they dont ask for my number though.

or maybe you are uber hot and im hideous?

its a mxed group of mixed ages im going out with friday.

OP posts:
DadfromUncle · 09/09/2013 14:38

EEK Snail I thought I had been unlucky in OD (not getting a date) but it seems I've been highly fortunate in not meeting any of these fruitcakes. I think you should write a book (or at least a blog) of these experiences - it would be highly entertaining - it would also divert your attention for a while, and once it caught on, would be an internet sensation which would have male fans flocking to meet you (I may have got a bit carried away there). I am in agreement with others here - internet dating seems very variable - it seems to work for some folk, not others. Couldn't resist having a quick look and speaking as a bloke I find you very easy on the eye (this is not a chat up - I am old enough to be your Dad etc) so I don't think you have anything to worry about there.

dreamingbohemian · 09/09/2013 14:40

But if you go out for a meal with a group, maybe there will be some new guy in the group who you might hit it off with?

I actually never liked being approached by strangers when I went out -- they usually came off pretty smarmy. Like I said, I usually met guys through my friends, by going out in groups and meeting new people that way. It's a bit safer too, they're less likely to be total dicks.

But obviously that doesn't work if your friends aren't bringing new people round ever, if it's always the same people.

dreamingbohemian · 09/09/2013 14:41

You should totally write a blog btw Smile

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:41

dad oddly enough you are not the first one to have said that. Most people are so dumbfounded by my experiences ( esp those who know me in rl) that they cant fathom it...

however, there are so many dating blogs, its all been done before.

as to being easy on the eye.. yeah. however IF that were true, why wouldnt men want second dates with me? or why would they stand me up? or why would they leave after 20 mins.. you know?

OP posts:
Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:44

i know everyone in the group... there is a new boy. i say boy, because hes 17.... tiny bit young :)
its a work meal.

the friends bringing new friends in... gah. i wish. im mid 30's most of my friends, or 99% of them have young children so dont go out, or socialising is done at their house, kids in toe. again, its just so much harder.

OP posts:
LaRegina · 09/09/2013 14:46

They didn't ask for my number because I made it clear I was married before it got to that point - but they were very chatty & flirty and dropped big hints by asking what was I doing later/where was I going on to later - which was when I showed them my (wedding) ring.

I'm not uber-hot, honestly, just uber-not interested. You look lovely in your pics, but I don't think that really has much to do with it TBH. I think men are strange creatures (like dogs) with a highly evolved sense of the smell of desperation, or even just of somebody wanting to have a serious relationship, which, if whiffed, sends them running to the hills with their tales between their legs.

Honestly, just for an experiment, have a night out and act like you don't like or give a shit about anybody who talks to you. See what happens.

DadfromUncle · 09/09/2013 14:47

Who knows why people do crap things? I don't.
Not everyone's going to want a second date - and with OD I am convinced there is a significant proportion of men and women who are married or attached and lying about it - their sudden disappearance isn't cos they don't fancy you, it's cos they have been rumbled or become guilty about what they are doing.
As for the blog thing - yes it's been done, but not with your unique twist.

LaRegina · 09/09/2013 14:52

Just my opinion, I disagree completely about the blog thing. I think the last thing you need is to turn your self into an online Bridget Jones. You need to focus much much less on meeting someone, not turn it into a past-time as well!

What about this for a new approach. Forget meeting anyone. Concentrate 100% on doing things you enjoy and broadening your mind/outlook. Do a course in something, not because there will be men there but because it's something you're interested in. Make loads of effort to go out with friends and do stuff you like. Basically just get out there as much as you can, just because it's fun. And forget about meeting anyone because you can't force it. And I mean this in the nicest of ways - it does sound like you are trying to force it.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:55

ill blog, wheres a good site to start? if anything someone might find my misery amusing.

lareg- are you saying it would be a good idea to remove the neon flashing sign saying ' desperate' from my head? :)
im not manically chasing after men. i just go about my business like a normal person... because im normal.

OP posts:
niceupthedance · 09/09/2013 14:56

I'm with LaRegina, when you don't really give a shit either way then you get more interest. If you have to fake not giving a shit a bit then that's ok, you'll soon get the hang of it.

Btw I am single and I do get why you are so frustrated. I have found the not giving a shit way of life much easier, I waste far less energy on losers. If I make a date with someone and they don't message to confirm (first), I just write it off and live my life.

LaRegina · 09/09/2013 14:57

Um yes I was - sorry.

I'm not saying you're not normal, but that the more you focus on wanting to meet 'the one', the less likely it is to happen. Sods law etc.

Have you ever written a man wish-list? (going off on a tangent here!)

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:59

lareg- again, i do all of those things as well. always have done. however, if you read velvets earlier post, courses and things are quite hard. Im not single and childless, i have a child, and a house and Job to Juggle. Im a lone parent funds are tight. everyone else my age is settled down so finding people to go out with ( nd then the funds to do so) isnt as easy as it sounds.
Doing things on my days off is quite pointless as most people are at work, or i have my child with me.

im not making excuses, its Just a lot harder to meet people than lots of people realise. Had i have not been in the situation myself i wouldnt belive it, which, is why i supose most of my friends cant fathom it either.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 15:02

no i havent written a man wish list, because im not insane. People come in all shapes and sizes and im open to how it might happen.

Ive spent a fair amount of time NOT looking and NOT dating too. I can confirm, since i am still single, that that was as productive as dating.

OP posts:
DadfromUncle · 09/09/2013 15:05

Blogger.com is a site I've used for years - my blogs (under various names) are mostly read my no-one but are cathartic. On the other hand, others may have a point - perhaps best to pack up all online dating, put it in a box and adopt a WGAS to the whole thing - because although it's a cliche, that's the time you are most likely to meet someone - and cliches are often rooted in the truth, however cheesy.

DownstairsMixUp · 09/09/2013 15:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

onlytheonce · 09/09/2013 15:21

Yep watch, some men are that socially inept that they wouldn't know how to make a move in 'real life' but are quite happy to ask for pics etc online. They may even delude themselves that this is a good way to forge a relationship. Or they're sleazy. Either way, you're better rid of him.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 15:25

:(

i know.

im just exhausted by never having any positive experiences with it. Its literally shit after shit after shit.

i did call the guy on his behavior, because i saw red. Apparently its my fault for being too highly sensitive if im offended. I asked if he would send pics like that and he said no, because hes not physically attractive, but , he would never tire of looking at women.

cock.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 09/09/2013 15:47

Is Friday's guy the high flyer you bagged with the fake profile? I've been biting my tongue all through this thread, but I'm not sure you can be that upset when you're playing games!

onlytheonce · 09/09/2013 15:48

It certainly doesn't sound like fun. But it should be. Even if things don't develop you get to meet someone new, go out for a drink/meal: it's all experience isn't it? But the reality is that you get messed around, you're constantly weighing people up and double guessing what their intentions are.

My friend (honest it's not me!) took a break for a couple of months from online dating, and found he was so much more relaxed as a result. It sounds like you could benefit from doing the same, so at least you get a break from this shit.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 15:50

he was a high flyer. i dont have a fake profile... i had a change profile, based on adopting a different tactic.

It was the profile that got his attention, the 5 days of messages was all me.

i wasnt playing games.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 09/09/2013 16:08

We clearly have a different definition of playing games. But to use the analogy floating around on the other thread, you went fishing with rotten meat and now you're upset by what you caught.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 16:13

what other thread was that? unless im being spoken about where i dont know?

Ihad severl pm's giving me some advice, i trawled online for adivce and found sometihng that was totally different to what i tried before. I thought it was worth a shot.

Just in the interets of seeing what happened, because ive tried so many other things.

My pics are mine, the front page of the profile isnt, but thats only that. Every single email from then on in, is mine. So what? it was worth a try....

you cant know it was the profiles fault and neither can i since i had a ton of duff dates when i had what i thought was a fab profile... and only one bad one when i had the new, see what happens one.

im allowed to be upset because its really not nice to be treated like shit and im utterly sick of it.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 09/09/2013 16:27

What was the new profile?? Why was it fake??? Confused now.....