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Original poster

I do not, and will ever understand men.

143 replies

watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 09:19

Dating, horribly for years, no luck.

This weekend this has been the chain of events:

Nice date on friday, lovely. He stayed in contact sat but didnt ask for a second date, sometimes made some odd comments, ended up at the end of the day asking for full lenght pics of me in my underwear. sleeze.

Set up a date for this morning, chatting all sat and sun,was going to be some sort of casual thing, ok for both of us... ie - it was going to be easy for him.... he stops replying late last night, get no response this morning so tell him in not going to be there.... arsehole

been chatting to a guy who lives a distance away, had plans to meet up, he texts me sat, i respond, he never replies. I whatsapp and then skype when hes online on both... no response. dickhead.

3 shit things in the space of 2 days. pretty much more than i can handle and am wondering if im so god damn awful and unattractive...
because otherwise none of it makes any sense.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 09/09/2013 13:52

Maybe come off od and go back on again in the new year....it is a head fuck....I hated it. Don't get too upset over it all though. Can you organise something nice this week...night out with a mate or something. Rake your mind off bloody men...xx

LaRegina · 09/09/2013 13:52

PS also meant to say - I always made the man do all the running. And I mean all....

onlytheonce · 09/09/2013 13:54

Watch, I don't think it's anything you're doing. You obviously know 'the rules' for online dating, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to be pissed off or upset after these last few.

Not that it's any consolation, but women can be equally inscrutable too. My friend has just had a woman go no contact on him after 6 dates and with the next date lined up. No hint of there being anything wrong.

He's mid 30s by the way ;)

gettingeasiernow · 09/09/2013 13:56

I think you're right to be disappointed in them. I think the responses have been a little harsh. Unfortunately though I think if you want to online date, you maybe have to be the type who can shrug off these sleezy/flakey types. But please, don't start thinking it's okay, don't lower your standards, and keep the faith that the type of man you are looking for would not be like that. Because otherwise, you'll be cowed into accepting some substandard individual, and that's just not on. Just keep at it but build a wall. Good luck.

dreamingbohemian · 09/09/2013 13:56

No I know, I'm thinking more about what you said about the third guy:

"been chatting to a guy who lives a distance away, had plans to meet up, he texts me sat, i respond, he never replies. I whatsapp and then skype when hes online on both... no response. dickhead."

That seems a bit OTT to me. He hasn't replied in 2 days, that's not never replying, and he could be logged into apps without actually reading them. And even if he did see them -- I mean, it's a guy you haven't even met, he doesn't owe you anything. He doesn't have to reply to you just because he's online.

I don't want to make excuses for these guys because they probably are losers. But for example, with the third guy, if he doesn't reply, I would just leave it until he does. I wouldn't check to see if he's online and keep messaging him, that's just torturing yourself really.

LaRegina · 09/09/2013 13:59

Agree with dreaming

At the risk of sounding like my mother, if a man is interested enough in you, he will do the chasing. Men have enough brains to figure out how to find and contact a woman they really like. You just have to let them find you Smile

dreamingbohemian · 09/09/2013 14:00

Sorry I keep x-posting

I'm not at all saying it's your fault. But if you've been doing this for years and it's not getting you anywhere, I think it's a good idea to either stop doing it or try changing your approach. Otherwise you're just going to keep feeling bad about yourself and it's not worth it.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:01

dont even start on bloody sky men :)

i did make fridays date do all the running, he couriered me cakes from london, the night must have cost him upwards from £200... he brought me a gift on the date, which is what makes the post date behaviour more utterly bizarre.

im going out for a meal friday...

its just, ive been on my own for 5 years, its a long time...

OP posts:
Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:06

dreaming - yeah, i know. i backed off from the one that lives a distance away, he chased me lots. i repled to his whats app and he didnt get back in touch on that. he logged onto skype when i was online, you know, it did that ' so and so has signed in' thing, so i said hi, and was ignored.
im not going to hang around and be messed about.
which is what would end up happening.

ive also changed my approach more times than most people have had hot dinners :)

OP posts:
DadfromUncle · 09/09/2013 14:06

OP It really really isn't you or what you're doing - there are just some odd folk about. It is weirdness in some cases and bad manners in others. I've been stood up by women who seemed really keen, "stood up" by people who were 100% going to come and look at my house/car etc to buy/repair etc it. These people are rude, ill mannered, but sadly not rare (nor were they all men).

Finding someone who isn't a git of this kind will be all the more joyful when it happens, but I am starting to think that online dating is probably the least likely place to find anyone.

LaRegina · 09/09/2013 14:10

You're right - five years is a long time. So you need to start getting tougher (IMHO) Smile

Ok so Friday man did all the running. But were you really openly impressed by his gift buying/cake sending - to the point where he thought you were a gift-wrapped done-deal? I can't help thinking that 90% of the men you meet over the web are looking for a shag and not much else. So however he went about getting that shag, a shag is still all he was after.

Honestly, I would ditch the whole internet dating idea. I know a few single men. The ones who internet date are nice enough, but they seem to have two separate lives - one on the internet where they get their shag-diary filled, and the other is their real lives where they go out, meet real people in pubs and clubs and at work - and then stop the internet dating because they've met somebody the normal way.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:11

thing is, it doesnt happen in rl either.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:13

laregina, i dont tihnk he did want that, he made no moves at all. none. i had no idea if he liked me at all.... till the pic requests came in.

OP posts:
elastamum · 09/09/2013 14:18

Hi Watch, Its not your fault - there are unfortunately a lot of timewasters out there OD and many of them dont apply the same rules of politeness as they would do in RL as they know they will probably never see you again.

There are ordinary decent men OD too though, there are 5 of us in this office all of whom met their partners on line (mostly e harmony as far as I can gather). But I think that those of us who have managed to meet long term partners on line are just lucky - thats all.

dreamingbohemian · 09/09/2013 14:22

I'm so sorry. It really does sound like torture! There's so many jerks out there.

Fingers crossed for Friday Smile

onlytheonce · 09/09/2013 14:22

For the first one it sounds like he didn't know how or was too scared to make a move then.

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:24

:) thank you.
I did a free weekend on eharomy. It gave me my utterly worse date ever, where he left after 20 mins... he said ' i want to go home, im not being cruel but im going to leave'

and he walked out on me.

feel free to look at my profile.
( i look ok i think)
i work, i have a nice house, ok Job,interests, im fun, confident ( when im not crying in aldi) and generally lovely.

He turned up in a cookie monster t shirt, lived with his mum, had only just started work at the age of 32 and took the piss out of me to my face.

half of mn told me i was out of order to be upset as he might be on the spectrum. Of course, being treated like this, the upset and my utter embarassment was irrelevant.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 09/09/2013 14:27

Hello OP. First of all, youhave my sympathy. OLD can be a depressing and soul destrying experience. A lot of people seem to believe that there is no need for common courtesy and manners for some reason. I have no idea why. It's a PITA

Having said that, can I perhaps offer some advice?

I think you need to reduce the intensity level a bit (crikey you've been touchy on this thread! I know you're pissed off but in general you've been very snippy!) and it seems like you've got yourself really wound up by the whole process. Try and drop your shoulders and relax a bit

I lmow you aren't just looking to date, you're looking to find a relationship. Which is fine. But every relationship starts with a first meeting. I know I was personally very put off by a lot of men who treated the first date like a interview! Maybe, unconsciously you're doing that? Maybe?

Instead, my most successful dates were just a great night out. I have now met a really wonderful man and the night we met we just laughed - no dicussion about relationships or our past. It was just a great night out.

Please don't take this as criticism, but as friendly advice. I really do sympathise with your frustration.

I hope the perfect man for you is just roud the corner

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:27

was scared but not too scared to demand pics from me...

and really, im going out for a meal, i wont meet anyone. when, ever, has a man come to chat you up when you are out for a meal in a big group. it Just doesnt happen. And, not being rude, but i think thats what people forget...
I mean, how many men approach you, even if you are married, in a day to day setting... i guess not many. That doesnt suddenly magically change when you become single.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:29

bit - yeah, im fucking pissed off and very upset... so snipy is the last of my problems.
i dont interview men, im light and carefree, i dont ask about ex's or anything,i certainly dont mention mine. . i just behave like a normal person.

i dont even want someone perfect just someone who isnt a total knobber.

OP posts:
elastamum · 09/09/2013 14:31

What a tosser! the only thing I can think of is maybe to set your bar higher in terms of even just meeting people.

My rule was send a couple - not more - e mails - have a telephone conversation and if that was fun and I got a good vibe meet them. Any red flags, or if they seemd dull, then dont bother to meet them again as it wont get any better. Less dates maybe, but less awful experiences

elastamum · 09/09/2013 14:33

You look lovely BTW Smile Its definately them

Original poster
watchforthesnail · 09/09/2013 14:34

thing is, fridays date we talked on the phone twice!! for a few hours. so i was more upset when he did the pic thing, you know.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 09/09/2013 14:34

You're gorgeous!

OD just sounds like hell. Is there really no chance of meeting guys in person somehow? Not even as dates, but as friends? I think I met most of my boyfriends through male friends.

LaRegina · 09/09/2013 14:35

watch you know, when I was single I didn't get approached much, unless I was out in a club or bar.

But now I'm married I do seem to get chatted up a lot more. In the last week I've been hit on in the school playground, in a diy store and on a girls night out (and yes, honestly, we were a big, very loud, very pissed group of women, and we were eating a meal).

I can only glean from this that men most like women who appear to be, and are, totally disinterested in them. So maybe you should try that approach Smile