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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

More I should do or am I being a mug?

232 replies

flyingfarfalla · 09/09/2013 05:25

This is such a horrible thing to say but it has got to the stage where I feel like DP is just tagging along in my life and I am at a loss of how to support him or whether I can/should.

He doesn?t contribute financially (I work FT which is quite stressful but am very lucky to have it and that it pays well so we are financially secure), with childcare (he found it a bit much looking after our toddler when we moved abroad ? which I appreciated? so DS (now 4) is in nursery each day and DP picks him up at 3 and looks after him before I get home and help out with bath and bed) and with looking after the flat which he felt was preventing him from looking for work (so I got a live-in helper who does the cleaning, cooking and shopping). He also doesn?t contribute emotionally (I never get a birthday, Christmas, valentine or mothers day present but always try and make the effort with him).

The main thing though is that he just doesn?t seem to want to do anything at all ever. Honestly, if he was filling the time with a study course, with starting a business, with volunteering, with a hobby etc which made him happy (all of which I have said I would support) I would support that. But he just says he doesn?t know what to do. He says he doesn?t have a ?thing? which makes me a bit upset since I can?t see why me and DS can?t be his ?thing?. (Who really gets to do their thing anyway ? I would love to live in the country and faff around with crafts all day for example but I can?t and accept that).

He also says that he would really like to get a job so that I have to work less but makes little effort to do so (I think he has applied for about 4 in 2 years). He says he feels he can?t do things as well as me but I don?t put pressure on him to do so and I try and boost his confidence ? tell him he is a good dad, that he looks nice etc. He spends most of his time looking at cricket on his bb.

Realising he may well be down or even depressed, I have tried to talk to him and suggested counseling but he says he doesn?t want/need that. When I try and discuss the future and what he thinks we could do to make him and both of us happier/have better job prospects/moving again etc ? he says he doesn?t know and he doesn?t have any ideas.

I have rather lost patience now. This isn?t a partnership and I feel like I am living with another child (although one that has less energy) that I am losing respect for. I feel like I want to cry most mornings and feel let down and sometimes cross. If I tell him I am unhappy he just sighs and says that makes him feel bad so I try and be upbeat as much as I can. I?m trying to be a good partner but am not sure I can love with so little coming back still. It?s not that he is taking advantage by spending lots of money or going out loads (in fact I wish he would go out or get a hobby) it is more death of a relationship through passivity and ennui. Am I being pathetic?

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 11/09/2013 08:19

Perhaps he doesn't buy you birthday etc presents because he would be using your money to buy them, so in fact it would be like you paying for your own presents? That's quite logical on his part, actually.

(I assume he doesn't have a private income and he uses your joint account for money).

I really don't see why he would need to do courses to find a job. If he has relatively recent work experience in IT, its usually possible to find work of some kind. Since he is abroad, he really is in the ideal industry. I think the "not liking IT" is a smokescreen. For his own inertia.

His behaviour might not be deliberately hurtful but it is unsympathetic, selfish and lacking in sympathy. Even if it is possible he might be AS, he is still difficult to live with. Whether you want to do more/continue is entirely up to you. I take it you didn't get together originally with the idea that he would live sponge off you?

Original poster
flyingfarfalla · 11/09/2013 08:45

LesMissAbs - yes I did think that too. I don't buy big things for him, more little thoughtful things and i have told him I am happy with a bottle of wine or chocolate really! It is more an example of something that i have told him is important to me (also like planning for future or even thinking of another child) that he is unable for some reason to really engage with.

No, I don't think it is something I can put up with anymore. Scary....

OP posts:
noobieteacher · 11/09/2013 09:42

This is really interesting (and sadly familiar).

He isn't ill. He isn't doing it to hurt you. He isn't mean or stingy. He's not depressed. He's not incapable or without skills.

Yet he won't commit or make plans. He won't buy gifts, help with childcare, earn, reassure, support.

What all of these have in common is a refusal to give anything of himself to you. Perhaps this is how to put it to him- that it is his choice to refuse the very things that are essential in a relationship.

Let him work out why he is making these choices.

dreamingbohemian · 11/09/2013 10:10

That's true, noobie.

You can tie yourself in knots trying to figure out why he's like this and how to get things to change. But you will probably never know. And the most important thing is the effect of his behaviour on his family.

Why do you say you can't talk to your male colleagues?

Original poster
flyingfarfalla · 11/09/2013 10:38

I have been tying myself in knots with this you are totally right and it is also right that the answers will only come from him now I guess. I just need to time the conversation right given potential legal issues that have been pointed out and hope it doesn't break him.

Unfortunately my colleagues are very alpha male and i can't talk to them about personal issues but also since this may involve a decision to leave the business we have been building and a team I lead to go back home. It makes it a bit more isolating. It's why it has been so very useful to get all your input. Thanks again.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 11/09/2013 10:48

Ah I see. That really sucks. I hope you can get some good info and maybe some new perspective when you go back to the UK.

Just really, don't feel guilty. You have been incredibly patient and supportive for quite a long time now, longer than a lot of people would have, and I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. You are his partner, not his parent. It's not your job to make him fit for purpose. You are supposed to be walking through this life together, you shouldn't have to be dragging him along.

BranchingOut · 11/09/2013 14:52

I think your first step of leaving him to do the lantern is a useful one. Has anything happened, or are the paper and pens still in the drawer? Hmm

Between now and the time he goes away for the trip, just do less and watch what happens. See if he fills the space.

Jux · 11/09/2013 14:55

What dreaming says is absolutely right. You can't keep taking responsibility for him. I wonder if you were to step back would he step up? Not sure how you'd do it, mind you.

mistlethrush · 11/09/2013 15:08

Awaiting news of the 'finished lantern' with interest.

DH was unemployed for 14mo - fairly depressed with it (company he worked for went under), and not getting jobs he applied for as he was over qualified. Every week he was sending off at least 2 targetted applications. Most weeks it was more like 10 - 20. He was also doing the pick-ups and sorting the meals out as I went back to work FT as a result of his job-loss. He's back in work now and still helping out with DS and the house.

Original poster
flyingfarfalla · 11/09/2013 15:12

Ha! Good idea. It will also be a useful discipline for me re enabling habit.

No sign of a lantern this evening when i got home but he did mention doing it to DS who has requested a monkey one so this could get interesting....plus there is all the Christmas planning just around the corner to do too!

OP posts:
Original poster
flyingfarfalla · 11/09/2013 15:20

Mistlethrush - wow, that was tough going for your DH and good on him. Certainly a good marker of the comparative lack of effort this end. It is like DP assumes he will fail/not achieve what i have done (although I tell him that's silly and am first to point out my weaknesses) so doesn't bother. Grrr.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/09/2013 15:20

So what has this man done today?. He's had all day to make this lantern for your child and still nada.

BTW when does this lantern have to be made by?. Don't you dare end up making it yourself!!!.

Original poster
flyingfarfalla · 11/09/2013 15:27

Attila - he did take DS (who is on hold this week) to the swimming pool but helper appears to have looked after DS in the morning Angry . I was tempted to pick up some art supplies and i did look up a YouTube video on making lanterns I admit but i will be strong and see this as a personal test too!!

OP posts:
Original poster
flyingfarfalla · 11/09/2013 15:28

oh and lantern needs to be handed in next Wednesday so there is still time....Maybe he can do it while I have a lie in on Sunday.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/09/2013 15:29

The impression that I get of this man only worsens the more I read about him.

BranchingOut · 11/09/2013 17:10

No, all you do for this lantern is look forward to seeing it!

AnyFucker · 11/09/2013 20:26

You will make the lantern

And you will do all the xmas planning

because he has opted out and can't be arsed, and he knows that you will do it so ds isn't upset

WhoDat · 12/09/2013 01:06

I bet you any money AF Remind him by all means but don't do it for him. You doing it for him is why you are where you are. Hang tough flying

Original poster
flyingfarfalla · 12/09/2013 11:41

Day 2 of lantern watch...no lantern.

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 12/09/2013 11:43

Just keep sitting on your hands. If you find yourself reaching for the scissors, just stop!

Jux · 12/09/2013 12:57

Can op ask about the lantern, what it's going to be like, what they're going to make it out of, what colour, etc, or is that too micro-managing or something (just thinking that that's what I would do if dh and dd were making something together).

Original poster
flyingfarfalla · 12/09/2013 13:03

Jux - I agree that would be a nice thing to do but i kind of feel that he knows it needs to be done and that he is responsible for it now so he can just bloody do it (or not). I'm also bit concerned that if i start a discussion about it he will end up asking for help directly.

Good grief this sounds so ridiculous but there's kind of a lot riding on that lantern now!Grin

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 12/09/2013 13:18

It's often the tiny things that finally reveal the bigger truth. You'll end up making the lantern yourself, for DS' sake, but at least you will know that this man is too idle and selfish to put himself out for his own son, and hopefully it will be the last bit of proof you need to make you take action and put him out.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 12/09/2013 14:03

If this was a film, you'd make the lantern next Tuesday night by candlelight. It would have your divorce lawyers number carved into it, and then the film would cut to you and Ds driving down the road in a convertible.

AnyFucker · 12/09/2013 16:15

And when you make the lantern, and it's purpose has been served, you can serve his marching orders with it