More I should do or am I being a mug?

[flyingfarfalla]

This is such a horrible thing to say but it has got to the stage where I feel like DP is just tagging along in my life and I am at a loss of how to support him or whether I can/should.

He doesn?t contribute financially (I work FT which is quite stressful but am very lucky to have it and that it pays well so we are financially secure), with childcare (he found it a bit much looking after our toddler when we moved abroad ? which I appreciated? so DS (now 4) is in nursery each day and DP picks him up at 3 and looks after him before I get home and help out with bath and bed) and with looking after the flat which he felt was preventing him from looking for work (so I got a live-in helper who does the cleaning, cooking and shopping). He also doesn?t contribute emotionally (I never get a birthday, Christmas, valentine or mothers day present but always try and make the effort with him).

The main thing though is that he just doesn?t seem to want to do anything at all ever. Honestly, if he was filling the time with a study course, with starting a business, with volunteering, with a hobby etc which made him happy (all of which I have said I would support) I would support that. But he just says he doesn?t know what to do. He says he doesn?t have a ?thing? which makes me a bit upset since I can?t see why me and DS can?t be his ?thing?. (Who really gets to do their thing anyway ? I would love to live in the country and faff around with crafts all day for example but I can?t and accept that).

He also says that he would really like to get a job so that I have to work less but makes little effort to do so (I think he has applied for about 4 in 2 years). He says he feels he can?t do things as well as me but I don?t put pressure on him to do so and I try and boost his confidence ? tell him he is a good dad, that he looks nice etc. He spends most of his time looking at cricket on his bb.

Realising he may well be down or even depressed, I have tried to talk to him and suggested counseling but he says he doesn?t want/need that. When I try and discuss the future and what he thinks we could do to make him and both of us happier/have better job prospects/moving again etc ? he says he doesn?t know and he doesn?t have any ideas.

I have rather lost patience now. This isn?t a partnership and I feel like I am living with another child (although one that has less energy) that I am losing respect for. I feel like I want to cry most mornings and feel let down and sometimes cross. If I tell him I am unhappy he just sighs and says that makes him feel bad so I try and be upbeat as much as I can. I?m trying to be a good partner but am not sure I can love with so little coming back still. It?s not that he is taking advantage by spending lots of money or going out loads (in fact I wish he would go out or get a hobby) it is more death of a relationship through passivity and ennui. Am I being pathetic?

[noobieteacher]

A good way round it may be an extended visit to the UK to see UK GPs and get legal advice here. If you do choose to get advice in Asia, make sure you don't get drawn into a battle from there.

[flyingfarfalla]

BloomingRose, you poor thing and well done on getting out! you are right, nothing special but is a father who his son adores and someone I have been with for many years who I would like to be happy. It is like i have seen others say before...if he suddenly found someone else and i knew they were happy, the weight would lift off.

Thanks for tips...will check out some legal advice. I have been dropping hints about a return to UK but he says that would be really tricky and cold but i will work on it. Not sure he will discuss in oz since he hasn't taken opportunity to do so when friends have visited. it may be a bit much for me to write to one of them to ask to speak to him I think since i don't know them well.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

flyingfarfalla,

Well, you would like to think that your son adores him but you cannot assume that. He is probably confused by this man and how he is at home; he's beginning to this this is normal behaviour for him. His Dad does seemingly nothing much with him either, this man only picks up this child from nursery and that is the zero sum total of his responsibilities.

Your son may well grow up to see his Dad as a lazy bum who treats his mum with contempt. Children pick up on bad vibes all too quickly. He may well look at you as his mother and wonder why you stayed with such a layabout. His relationship with you as a result could well be affected.

Again you mention that you would like your man to be happy. Does your own happiness not matter?. Why is he held up so highly by you?.

You are also not responsible for your man's happiness or lack of. That is purely down to him.

re your comment:-
"I have been dropping hints about a return to UK but he says that would be really tricky and cold but i will work on it".

Her's putting obstacles up already by saying such guff like tricky and cold. He to my mind has no real intention of returning to the UK at all. Also we did have a harsh winter last year but its not the bloody Arctic here temp wise generally.

[Jux]

We're having a beautiful summer here in fact. I have a fantastic tan, and so do most people I know, just from normal day to day activities.

Only he can make himself happy; sadly he seems determined not to be.

[MariaLuna]

i will work on it".

you are flogging a dead horse

Why do you feel responsible for this man's happiness and (non) choices in life?

Your son is going to grow up thinking it's normal for mummy to run herself around ragged keeping it all together while daddy basically sits on his ass and comes up with excuse after excuse not to create an equal team.

Why are you enabling him? The more you do the more he will slump into himself.

FWIW, my mum was a "trailing spouse" and her life was full of activity (no job, SAHM was the norm then) with all kinds of stuff, voluntary work, courses at the local uni, hobbies, gardening, women's get-togethers etc.

• just saying.
  

Maybe he's just the extremely passive personality type.
sounds like it

Up to you to decide if you want to live like this.

[ashleysilver]

Why do you feel responsible for this man's happiness and (non) choices in life?

Especially when he does not seem to care at all about your happiness? You are clearly unhappy in the relationship. Even I, a stranger on the interent, can see that. What does he do to try and make you happy? Anything?

[AnyFucker]

Yep, just had a great summer weather-wise and apparently we are due an Indian summer with 2 more weeks of mid 20's temps, in September

The UK is not a "cold" place to live, generally

[MairzyDoats]

Not sure if this has been discussed, but what was he like when you first met? Has he ever been proactive, or even romantic?

[Dahlen]

I can sympathise with him struggling to adapt to life in a new country, etc. I'd be inclined to support rather than criticise, and I'd include a period where DS was in nursery rather than being cared for by the SAHP if said SAHP is finding it tough. If it is affordable, that's a good thing to do for the overall good of the family.

However, I'm not at all sure that depression or struggling to adapt is what is going on here.

This is a man who has never bothered to mark his DP's birthday or Christmas.

[AnyFucker]

and, Dahlen, a period of 2 years ???

[pumpkinsweetie]

I don't see why pure lazyness it put down to depression every time.
Some people, men or women, are just that- Lazy, cba, unmotivated, selfish eejits who put themselves before others.

This bloke is taking the piss and is living the life of riley, doing sweet FA whilst she is out a work. The cleaner does the cleaning, the child is looked after by someone else, all paid for by op. I would expect him to shape up or ship out, either he does the cleaning and some child rearing or he goes out to work. There is no excuse for being bone idle, even depression doesn't stop taking on some menial tasks if that is the case.

[Dahlen]

AF - quite.

[Tottie24]

Have you asked yourself or tried to visualise yourself and DP in the future, 40 years from now, how do you feel. My mama says you can never change a man, so accept him for who he is or not but it is your choice, after all it maybe safe to assume DP isn't going to do anything about it. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I imagine that this man is above average in terms of good looks. So throw him out now while he still has his good looks. He'll be on some other woman's doorstep, cock in hand, whining about how misunderstood he is, within days. And your overactive conscience will be clear. If he ends up in a bedsit on his own in 20 years time when the looks have gone, it won't be your problem any more.

[kf1979]

I'm an expat (HK) who followed DH as a 'trailing spouse' back in 2009. Am guessing from your posts that you're either in the 'Kong or in Sing.

In those first few months as an expat I totally lost my sense of identity. I existed only as 'DH's wife' and struggled to find a job within my previous field before eventually giving up. I was pretty depressed, and when I planned a visit back to the UK alone, DH was pretty certain I wasn't coming back.

However, I didn't have a child at the time, so wallowing in misery and sitting in my pyjamas all day was an option for me. It really shouldn't be for your DH. Having your DS needs to be his motivation to drag himself put of the mire and get on with things. Exploring your new home city with a child in tow is a hassle, but surely they'd both get a lot out of it?

I finally managed to shake off the ennui after a trip home reminded me that things weren't so rosy after all and there was a good reason we'd moved in the first place.

I tried freelancing in a totally different field and - safe in the knowledge that just for once I had the financial backing to try and potentially fail - actually made a go of it. The dabbling became my new career and, in the process, helped me realise that I was entirely responsible for my own happiness and self-worth. Being an expat gives you the unique opportunity to reinvent yourself, and that's why so many trailing spouses end up setting up successful niches for themselves.

I have to say that, although we also now have a helper, there's no way DH would've been stumping up for F/T help to enable me to stay at home in front of the telly all day. In fact, just getting out to buy groceries helped massively as it was the only human contact I had in the early days. Maybe you need to force his hand a little?

[WhoDat]

flying so sorry to say this but I bet he's laughing up his sleeve at you, and will be lording it up back in oz over his cushty life doing SFA while the (non) missus does all the hard slog. Depressed me arse, lazy and entitled more like and of course he doesn't want to go back to the UK because - poof! - there go all the expat perks and he might actually have to turn off the cricket and do something. Don't you cringe when you tell people about him? You deserve so much better, but accept you're part of the problem and cut out the mollycoddling. Ok sure, some people are not dynamic but this THIS is just full on taking the piss cocklodging.

I have to say the fact he has a fucking lie-in on Sundays says it all. I honestly don't know how you can even look at him!?!

SGB yy! I said to myself I bet he's good looking too and has gotten away with murder all his life because of it. Might be wrong but bloody hell I hope you can at least gaze at him OP seeing as he's good for fuck all else.

Hope you make some changes for the better, who knows? A good fright might the making of him

[ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp]

Yes you ARE a mug.

Ultimatum time. But frankly he is unlikely to change, so save yourself another 6 months of his freeloading pisstaking cocklodging and get rid now, after checking the legal advice re DS.

Then get yourself some counselling to help you understand WHY you can let this sort of shit happen without putting firm expectations on your partners behaviour. Otherwise you will be prey to the next wanker who sees you as a ticket to an easy, do fuck all, life on the sofa.

[flyingfarfalla]

thank you SO much. I really appreciate the advice including the harsher comments since I clearly do need a wake up call. I thought I would get one or two comments saying I should stop moaning!!

I spent night unable to eat and with weird caffeine adrenaline feeling in my body which I still have now. when we went to bed and he fell asleep immediately and I lay there crying and worried again I realise that if he is the one who is so upset and depressed then why am I the one trying to change things and feeling so crap?! 2 years is long enough even if you are down and in horrid situation and i agree KF1979 that SD shouldve pulled him through.

we got together when I was 21 and he is 9 years older so seemed very mature, financially independent, had taken bold move of moving abroad and travelling and he did buy some birthday presents back then and take a bit more initiative. I liked having someone who was caring and had just had horrid experience with work colleague who had assaulted me and not much luck with relationships. DO is good looking but not overly so and very short. women tend to see him as. friend and he hasn't had many relationships and i doubt has initiative to have affair or find someone. he would take this very hard.

atm, ds and helper are under impression he works from home. nursery think he is amaaaazing dad since he does pick ups.

[flyingfarfalla]

attilaTheMeercat - why I put his happiness first is a good question. probably an issue with wanting to please people and divers I would have thought if I put myself on couch for a minute!

Tottie24 - good idea. I used to visualise nice plans for future but now realise they are mine and not those of a partnership because he doesn't know what to do or what he wants.

I think he had capacity to improve a bit if i give him specific things to do, tasks etc, micro-manage, nudges and ideas but that would be even MORE emasculating surely?! the process of writing this and getting feedback though makes me feel I have lost respect and real hope of long term change now.

[flyingfarfalla]

"please people and SUCEED" that should have said Attila! as I said, I didn't get much sleep!!

[Spree]

I have been the trailing spouse for many years in Singapore and Malaysia.

Yes, getting a job is harder but not impossible.

I suffered from a loss of confidence when I was repeatedly knocked back for jobs.

But I was applying while looking after 2 DC & when I did finally employ a live in helper, I found temporary and part time work - ok it didn't pay terribly well and was in a completely un-related field but it got me out of the house / child care routine for a while.

7 years into expating - I now do lots of exercise, took up a course to give me a new skill, started and ran my own business.

The posters are right, you are enabling him too much and he hasn't stepped up to the mark and now you've lost respect for him.

If you were going to pay for counselling, pay for some for yourself to help you work out what you want and why you let him get away with doing so little.

[flyingfarfalla]

Thanks Spree, that's very useful. Helps with guilt I have been feeling.