More I should do or am I being a mug?

[flyingfarfalla]

This is such a horrible thing to say but it has got to the stage where I feel like DP is just tagging along in my life and I am at a loss of how to support him or whether I can/should.

He doesn?t contribute financially (I work FT which is quite stressful but am very lucky to have it and that it pays well so we are financially secure), with childcare (he found it a bit much looking after our toddler when we moved abroad ? which I appreciated? so DS (now 4) is in nursery each day and DP picks him up at 3 and looks after him before I get home and help out with bath and bed) and with looking after the flat which he felt was preventing him from looking for work (so I got a live-in helper who does the cleaning, cooking and shopping). He also doesn?t contribute emotionally (I never get a birthday, Christmas, valentine or mothers day present but always try and make the effort with him).

The main thing though is that he just doesn?t seem to want to do anything at all ever. Honestly, if he was filling the time with a study course, with starting a business, with volunteering, with a hobby etc which made him happy (all of which I have said I would support) I would support that. But he just says he doesn?t know what to do. He says he doesn?t have a ?thing? which makes me a bit upset since I can?t see why me and DS can?t be his ?thing?. (Who really gets to do their thing anyway ? I would love to live in the country and faff around with crafts all day for example but I can?t and accept that).

He also says that he would really like to get a job so that I have to work less but makes little effort to do so (I think he has applied for about 4 in 2 years). He says he feels he can?t do things as well as me but I don?t put pressure on him to do so and I try and boost his confidence ? tell him he is a good dad, that he looks nice etc. He spends most of his time looking at cricket on his bb.

Realising he may well be down or even depressed, I have tried to talk to him and suggested counseling but he says he doesn?t want/need that. When I try and discuss the future and what he thinks we could do to make him and both of us happier/have better job prospects/moving again etc ? he says he doesn?t know and he doesn?t have any ideas.

I have rather lost patience now. This isn?t a partnership and I feel like I am living with another child (although one that has less energy) that I am losing respect for. I feel like I want to cry most mornings and feel let down and sometimes cross. If I tell him I am unhappy he just sighs and says that makes him feel bad so I try and be upbeat as much as I can. I?m trying to be a good partner but am not sure I can love with so little coming back still. It?s not that he is taking advantage by spending lots of money or going out loads (in fact I wish he would go out or get a hobby) it is more death of a relationship through passivity and ennui. Am I being pathetic?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I think the op is doing well. Moving back to the UK gives her husband a chance to improve his situation, and they're on even ground should she need to issue an ultimatum. The ultimatum can include seeing a doctor.

I would say that a woman who does nothing, and refuses to see a doctor, even, should be left.

[whitesugar]

Attila I find your posts illuminating and honest. Surely we are all qualified to voice our opinion whether or not we are married or have children.

Anyway this is of little help to the OP who I hope has received helpful advice here.

[Jux]

Atilla, I find your posts helpful and informed. I have often read one of yours and thought how well you have expressed something I've been trying to form into words.

Farfalla, good news on the return to UK decision. How long do you expect that to come into effect?

[AnyFucker]

OP, I think it is a good idea to move back to the UK, whatever happens to your relationship

I find it a great shame though, that you are forced to do that by the inaction of your partner because I assume the move to Singapore was good for your career ?

So, once again, you take the hit and he is sitting on his arse pretty

haveA get off Attila's case

or go start a thread about how MN'ers are always trying to wreck relationships...they are ten a fucking penny at the moment

FWIW lazy, entitled, selfish partners wreck relationships, not posters on MN who are giving their opinion when asked for it

[sassyandsixty]

Sorry, but what does he think his life is about/for exactly? He seems to have lost his way quite badly. What used to motivate him, excite him, made him tick etc? He has to take charge of himself and his own life and not expect others to hand it to him on a plate. He has to create his own life. Sorry - not very helpful. Good luck.

[flyingfarfalla]

Thanks everyone - some more useful insights and suggestions again and thank you for sharing your experiences whitesugar. I will be trying to speak to someone this week if I can.

Yes, it is a shame to be abandoning career here which has been hard work developing and going home isn't all pluses since I will likely have to commute a long way for a smaller salary and see less of DS and I agree also that this is me taking action again and not him changing. BUT, I have to do this since it seems that there is a real risk on the custody side if we did stay here and did split (greater than if we were back in the UK although both could be tricky), we are both unhappy right now and being back in the 'real world' with friends and family is very important to me and what I need and career and income doesn't compete with that ultimately. Also, since there does appear to be a potential chance that he is actually ill (although denying it at the moment - maybe because he doesn't actually realise it) it does give him a chance to improve/get better. Previously we were going to review staying here next September but I have now expedited things -not least since applications for infant school for DS would need to be in in mid-January in some places so I am currently working on what would be viable financially and within the time period in order to do it much sooner.

It isn't great being 'parent' setting tasks, no, but I am trying to do it in a more subtle way that I wuold hope a partnership to involve. For example rather than just saying he has to or I expect him to do the research this week, I have said "clearly it will need a lot of work and planning to do this move so how about I take the schools research this week and you do the mortgage research?" so it is more a sharing of tasks. Just trying out different things though so quite possible this could well fail and be too subtle though I recognise!!

[Lazyjaney]

OP I think that's the common expat conundrum, job and lifestyle much better, but many trailing partners go a bit doolally.

In your case though it seems like quite a lot of this was happening before you went out, so it may be worth cutting to a likely end game if you'd prefer to stay. As a matter of interest, if your OH had the option of custody, would he take it?

[flyingfarfalla]

LazeyJaney - yes, I think there is a risk he would and especially since I think his family would encourage it. Not a risk worth taking.

[flyingfarfalla]

Lantern update.....It has been done!

However, less positive is it IS the free one from the shopping center with a few random splodges of paint on it. Prob took 10 min max. I told him it was lazy. He said DS didn't want to do one with him.

[AnyFucker]

So he blames his laziness on his son ?

That's a low trick

Your son probably has him sussed for the halfhearted, selfish person that he is

[AnyFucker]

...which is why he wasn't keen about doing stuff with him

[flyingfarfalla]

AF - yes. No surprise ds did not want to do something so dull at 5.30pm after a full Monday at nursery. Making a monkey lantern from scratch together whilst on holiday last week or at the weekend when it is a fun task together rather than a chore would be another matter. Am almost more cross than if had not bothered at all.

[Jux]

Did you say upthread that DS wanted a monkey lantern? Maybe dh couldn't envisage it, so just did whatever. DS probably sensed his disinterest and turned off from it, knowing he wasn't going to get what he wanted anyway.

[flyingfarfalla]

yes Jux.

[BranchingOut]

Ok, well, encourage him to do whatever it is the next thing that needs to be done is. Rome wasn't lit in a day...(see my lantern reference there!)

Does he understand that it is not so much the end product but the process of making it together which is so important?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Think your DS is very perceptive; you could learn from your son.

I would also argue that if he had not picked up this freebie lantern from the shopping centre there would be no lantern of any sort.

[AnyFucker]

As a general rule, I do find that children suss people out very well indeed, because they don't have all the societal crap and pressure about how we must always excuse men and always put them first and foremost

kids don't know any of that bollocks (yet)

unfortunately, your son is having those damaging lessons rammed home waaaay before he should have to be confronting them

[flyingfarfalla]

ds doesnt seem to be bothered...which somehow makes it sadder actually.

[AnyFucker]

Yes, ds probably lowered his expectations to zero a long time ago

he took his cue from you (sorry, love)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If someone else was telling you all this and you flyingfarfalla were on the outside looking in, would you actually think this couple were now together purely out of habit?.

[flyingfarfalla]

No. I would think it was a relationship which had progressively got into trouble over a period of several years and where the mum was trying very hard to balance her own feelings and interests of a child with those of a partner who is struggling and could be depressed (we still don't know) and where the consequences of doing something rash could mean she loses her child. And all in the context of living the other side of the world to her family and friends and trying to juggle demanding job. It isn't actually that clear cut. Wish it was.

[flyingfarfalla]

Update for anyone still around...had long chat with DP and said I was feeling very down and thought he was too and that he doesn't do enough so I have been worrying he may have depression. I suggested again that it may be good to see someone.

He did! Had 2 hours with therapist which he said was really useful. She said she doesn't think he is depressed just a bit sad and frustrated with not being able to find work.

[flyingfarfalla]

Thanks mirai. Yes, I did pick him up on job front and said i was disappointed and frankly shocked that he hadn't even updated linkedin when he is apparently so desperate for a job. He said he genuinely hadn't even realised it was something he should do and as soon as I said it he realised he should. He then spent next two days updating it. He also explained that he does 4 hours of job hunting research a day but he just goes round in circles and doesn't find anything which he finds demoralising.

I do believe this actually since he just isn't lying sort and really just seems to be more just unable to think for self or do things. Awful as it sounds he just seems to be incapable and if not depressed then this is just who he is now I guess.

[mistlethrush]

But he's not even pulling his weight with your son either. The '4 hrs of jobhunting' doesn't preclude him from helping your son to make a lantern. And how many jobs has he actually applied for???

On another front, how are plans for coming back to the UK going?