Dating Thread 63- disappearers, wedding bells and dodgy eye candy, all are welcome

[hostesswithleastest]

Oops that title may have put off newcomers :D

Anyway.... the old thread is dead long live the new!

Good evening all.

I think I need the equivalent of de-programming from the rules. It hasn't helped me sit comfortably with OD and the three dates I've had (which admittedly are three more doing the rules than I've had in the recent past!) won't be repeated.

Now I have this idea that if I DO message someone who's profile I like they're going to think I'm too available/desperate/lonely/pursuant etc etc.

Oh what to do, what to do, what to do….

Wisey - can you give more details? How did it go and why were you uncomfortable?

Trying to work that one out unBant.

First date - was ok but I was a bit meh because I didn't fancy him physically. We had things in common for sure though. Lasted just over an hour.

Second date - is illustrated back on this thread and still makes me . Lasted 90 minutes (89 minutes too long but I was raised to be polite).

Third date - sounded good, looked ok, but I'd picked a venue which had a 'themed supper' night and there was nowhere to sit and talk. Plus he seemed more interested in my OD dating experience or sharing his with me and I had to keep steering the conversation away. He tried to describe his exW diplomatically but what he was saying was that she was a bit thick and boring (a red flag for me and I didn't seek that information).

I followed the stupid rules each time. I think my discomfort is the rules are what my mother would have told me to do because that's what she believed in - men are the aggressor and need to feel powerful shite, whilst you the siren Wisey are winding him in by using your charm and Stepford wife-to-be wiles.

I don't want a FWB because I need to feel an emotional attachment. I don't just want an attachment because I need to feel physical attraction.

Maybe my profile is wrong, maybe I'm too old for the men my age. Someone messaged me yesterday and his perception was spot on: he thought my profile is funny but its brusque and business-like quality made him think I'm a bit defensive and hesitant.

I'm not self-pitying, I'm seriously trying to work it out.

Oh that's so interesting - not defensive and hesitant shy and sensitive is actually what he said!!!

Freud, you bugger!!!!

Good morning everyone,

Wisey, I suppose it depends what you're hanging onto The Rules for, if it's because you're hoping they're going to protect you from getting hurt then I don't think anything does that, although feeling confident and happy in yourself does to some extent.

You're clearly an intelligent, self-aware and empathetic person, I bet you trust your judgement in a professional capacity, why not just transfer that over to OD ?

I certainly don't have all any of the answers but it seems a shame for you to feel hampered by a rigid set of directives that aren't working for you.

Penguin that sounds really good, have you set a date for later in the week ?

Superstar - nah, age is just a number innit ?

Have a good day everyone.

That's a very good point from Kin, the Rules will not stop you getting hurt. Although I did agree with the poster on another thread who said they are good for women with poor boundaries.

I've softened my vehement dislike of the Rules after realising my natural style is inclined towards the Rulesque - but that is only because I am naturally lazy and avoidant and have a crippling fear of rejection. I also do think that it's true that if a man is interested he will be in touch/asking you out/asking for more, so would begrudgingly accept those elements of the Rules.

But I think eschewing messaging, liking etc is a total mistake, misapplies the Rules and the authors advocating that don't understand how OD works. There are just too many people and it becomes impossible to sift through. Even if you are stunning and the opening line of your profile is the wittiest thing ever, it is all too easy for people to skip over you. I think there is no point doing OD unless you are going to actively look for people who interest you and make sure they notice you. If you've done an element of the picking it also makes it less likely that the date will be washout.

But I think meh dates are par the course unfortunately. You're taking a punt on a stranger, it's going to misfire a lot. Unless someone is hideous I'd try thought not to put to much emphasis on first date physical attraction, that immediate "wow" moment is rare. Two of the people (met in RL) I've ended up having one of the most intense physical connections with I did not fancy at all when I first met them. And the person I've had the worst ever chemistry with originated as one of those punch in a gut, seen across a crowded room moments.

Mr R&R said to me Saturday night during a conversation about our journey 'you take no shit'.

Make your own rules.

Two very helpful posts from Kin and Stranger, thank you.

You're both right, of course. The rules don't offer protection from hurt but they have been helpful in some ways. So I'll up change my game for a bit and be more proactive.

Dates one and three have messaged to ask for another date. I'll go for a second look and see what happens. .

You take no shit no, 49 and nor do I so my rules say it's bloody well ok to message first, the worst that can happen is nothing, or something which turns out to be a disappointment.

My rules say if a guy recoils because a woman shows interest first it's not the end of the world. My rules say that actually I'm a bloody good catch, I look after myself, I look good for my age and I'm as warm, honest and independent as anyone can be and if that's not good enough it's not my problem! This thread always has hope, thats why I keep coming back.

Wisey I think we all have our own rules. They can at times be fucking hard to stick to. Worth the effort in the end

I'd second kins comment if you are happy and content in yourself then you can make the rules up to suit you. Being in that state makes it so much easier to walk away from nonsense and decide if what is on offer is good enough for you...although it can be difficult to reach and maintain that state, but it seems like the absolute prerequisite for any foray into OD. good luck with the second dates wisey

Good evening all!

Wisey - you've had some good advice and I second those thoughts! I've had plenty of meh dates but you never know when that elusive will show itself - don't give up!

I was hoping to have second date with detective this Wed eve but he has to work a late shift But he's invited me over to his house for breakfast this Friday instead before he goes to work, which I'm quite excited about! I wouldn't normally go to a guy's house on the second date but I've figured seeing as it's the morning and he's a policeman it's probably safe?! (I checked his police i.d. when we met yesterday, think he thought I was joking when I said I was pleased to know he was on the DNA database....)

Thank you for being so supportive.

Um. Exchanged numbers with date number three. He then texted me something about him knowing I wanted his curly wurly's and his magic twix (there is a context which is to do with my profile name which is completely innocent).

That's just testing to see if I'm up for some sexting, right?

.

I want to know if I a being too fussy here. I went on a date yesterday and e got on really well but I'm not sure I fancy him. I think I will meet up with him agin but I'm havin a wee off ating to collet my thoughts!

collect

Wisey - yes that would be my guess. WTF is a magic twix?

penguin I think you are being lulled into a false state of security because it is morning .. Men don't want Alex in the morning do they???

wisey you are right to stick by your own rules .. When you mentioned the rules I thought you meant the daft book that says wait so many days to call etc

Morning all!!

Doh Alex was supposed to be SEX!!!

That's what I thought unBant! Anyway in HIS mind I think I was supposed to text back something to amuse and delight his imagination.

I didn't.

I do love a curly wurly though .

kirsty I DID mean those daft rules .

Does a Twix mean that he has two penises ? (Twix are rubbish, I wouldn't cross a road for one)

Penguin I'd be wary assuming that either him being a copper or the date being in the morning meant you were entirely safe.

Superstar go with your instincts

Have a good day, everyone

Penguin what the others have said. People seem to have had some terrible experiences with coppers, and the AM things like a false sense of security. Although that said hopefully you will just have a lovely power breakfast and overpower him with your feminine charm.

Superstar it's your choice to be fussy but potentially your lose too. Personally if the only issue is "not sure if I fancy them" I would go for a second date. But then I had a lot of second dates where I did think "yes, definitely a dud" afterwards.

Sigh. I'm back. SSW is currently off radar so I'm nursing a bruised heart. Back on Match but giving it a wide berth as the very first night I got someone who wanted to shag me on my kitchen table

Also on POF. A couple of chatters on there but nothing that's got me feeling good about meeting anyone really.

Hello to all posters - new, old and in between. Budge up on that there sofa

Perhaps I am being a bit naive about breakfast date with the detective but I have a good feeling about him, I'm sure he is just expecting breakfast. If not then I will make my excuses and leave! I can't work out if I fancy him or not, need to spend more time with him and see what happens.

I'm off to scrub my mattress for the zillionth time today, DS snuck in with me and then wet my bed last night! Might be time for a new mattress!