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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

560 replies

Moochicken · 02/09/2013 22:10

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

OP posts:
SparkyTGD · 04/09/2013 12:42

Hi Moochicken not sure if you're still reading.

DP has done something similar (not the same) and I would also be against calling him an abuser or rapist as I love him & he's a great dad to our DS.

But, I am not blinkered about it and have made him aware that he must never do anything against my wishes again (he's on thin ice basically, and he knows it).

I'm hoping that it won't happen.

Take care

LividofLondon · 04/09/2013 13:01

MooChicken
If I were in your situation I would find a time (outside of bedroom) to really discuss this with my DP. I'd tell him that every time he puts his finger up my bum, when I've specifically told him not to, is a breach of trust. Every time it happens it erodes the good feelings I have for him, makes me love him a little less, and that a good relationship is based on trust and respect. That if I'm having sex with him and he fingers my bum I shall immediately stop that session. The lack of trust and him crossing my boundaries will also make me less willing to have sex again.
I hope you manage to sort this out, OP.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 13:25

I hope and trust that many lurkers and some early contributors to this thread have re evaluated their approach to this very important subject after reading the massively eloquent posts by PS, charbon, CD and others

Ledkr · 04/09/2013 13:29

sparky you say he's "on ice" if he ignores your requests and carrys on doing what you asked him not to would you then say he was not an abuser because that what the ops partner did and that is nothing but abusive.

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 04/09/2013 13:31

The OP clearly recognises the seriousness of the issue, that's why she has asked for advice. The replies she has received from some borders on abuse and bullying, and made her feel uncomfortable enough to leave the thread. How can this be helpful? Thankfully it looks as though the more reasoned responses have put her on the right path.

valiumredhead · 04/09/2013 13:41

I suspect the OP left due to the dawning realisation that her Dh was perhaps doing something extremely serious and she found it hard to accept. Nothing to do with anyone here bullying or abusing herHmm

scallopsrgreat · 04/09/2013 13:43

She knows something is wrong Apple, not necessarily the seriousness of the situation. Who are you to decide what is reasoned?

I bet Moo does feel overwhelmed by the response. I would. But bullying is not what has happened here, at least that wasn't the intention from many of the people who posted. The quantity of responses can absolutely make it feel like that, though.

perfectstorm · 04/09/2013 13:51

I think GettingStrong's very brave and important post at 09:32:55 today shows pretty clearly how it is helpful to openly and clearly name what is happening here. And not solely for the OP.

Fairenuff · 04/09/2013 16:38

The replies she has received from some borders on abuse and bullying

So you are happy to label responses to the OP as abuse Apple, but not the actions of the husband, is that right?

middleclassdystopia · 04/09/2013 16:50

Contrarion gives me the creeps

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 16:55

Hopefully soon the creep will realise his input is not welcome here

Or is that too much to ask ?

middleclassdystopia · 04/09/2013 17:12

I am heartily relieved women have a voice here and clearly state when abuse is abuse.

It has really opened my eyes about my own abuse at the hands of my deeply misogynistic step father and how much hatred of women there still is out there.

I absolutely agree that the OP dh may be grooming her for further abuse and rape.

middleclassdystopia · 04/09/2013 17:15

How many women are secretly putting up with rape and abuse behind closed doors Sad

Pozzled · 04/09/2013 17:16

I'm so pleased to see the clear, honest and direct posts by many on this thread- PerfectStorm, Gettingstrong amongst many others.

I don't know if the OP is still reading- I hope she is- but I'm sure there are lurkers here who are re-evaluating their ideas of what is normal and acceptable.

As far as the OP leaving because she was bullied, or received hysterical responses, I do think it's a shame that she left. But if there hadn't been so many people minimising and defending the undefendable, then the words 'sexual assault' would not have needed to be repeated so often and so loudly.

I hope someday we will live in a society where a post like the OP would receive a unanimous response of- 'that's sexual assault, do you want to talk about it someore? How can we help you deal with it?'

HerdyHerdwick · 04/09/2013 17:25

middleclassdystopia this thread, with so many minimising comments have made me wonder the same thing about how many are putting up with abuse.

Binkyridesagain · 04/09/2013 17:40

I wonder how many know it is abuse

BitBewildered · 04/09/2013 18:24

Binky that's why it is important to name things isn't it? Sticking your head in the sand is one thing, but you should know what you're hiding from.

Changedmyusernameobviously · 04/09/2013 18:27

Try doing it to him ! Might put him off !!!

ModeratelyObvious · 04/09/2013 18:53

OP, if you are still reading, how would he react if you stuck a finger up his nose during sex? Repeatedly?

Shapechanger · 04/09/2013 22:15

Contrarion gives me the creeps

Ditto.

MissMuesli · 04/09/2013 22:32

It's true about netmums helping some people understand that they have been abused. I used to describe the behaviour from my ex as "horrible but not bad enough that I could phone take a break". Now I know he emotionally abused me horribly and he is accountable for that. I also now understand that my step brother DID sexually assault me even though he didn't manage to complete what he tries to do

MurderOfGoths · 04/09/2013 22:35

binky I didn't know it was abuse when my ex did it, excused him for years despite feeling very uncomfortable. Took a thread like this on MN to make me realise it was ok to be angry and what he did to me was horrific.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 22:41

MOG, I think I remember you fighting very hard indeed against the idea that you had been sexually abused

I am glad you have to some acceptance of it, as hard as it is

MurderOfGoths · 04/09/2013 22:45

I don't think I actually posted about it, just came to the realisation after reading what was said to someone else. Luckily that particular ex was in my past by that point, still pissed that he dumped me and not the other way around.

MNers not mincing their words has helped hugely in dealing with it though. Especially in stopping blaming myself.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 22:48

My mistake, I am mixing you up with someone else