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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh keeps doing something I don't like in bed

560 replies

Moochicken · 02/09/2013 22:10

Without wanting to go into too much detail, dh keeps doing something during sex which I don't like. I ask him not to and after a few minutes he does it anyway.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off.

How seriously would you take this? If I said no and stopped sex he would listen and would never force me to do something but I still feel uncomfortable that he basically ignores my wishes.

OP posts:
BitBewildered · 03/09/2013 23:09

Naming this stuff for what it is matters.

Precisely.

CharityFunDay · 03/09/2013 23:15

Technically, yes, what he's doing is sexual assault.

Technically if you pat someone on the back, you're committing the offence of battery.

Technically if you pick up a pound coin in the street, you're committing the offence of stealing by finding.

In practice, her partner is doing something that makes her feel (quote) 'uncomfortable'.

This is something for him and her to discuss within the context of their relationship.

Are the posters pointing out that it's technically sexual assault recommending that the OP goes to the police about it?

Really?

I've technically been sexually assaulted, ooh, probably at least a hundred times by men pushing their luck (which, incidentally is how I'd describe the actions of the OP's partner). I've dealt with this by complaining, batting hands away, saying 'no, thanks', etc. Perhaps I should call a personal injury lawyer and end up quids in...

I think this thread has lost its sense of proportion.

CailinDana · 03/09/2013 23:17

How many times have you sexually assaulted "pushed your luck" with a man charity?

BitBewildered · 03/09/2013 23:18

No I don't think anyone has suggested she go to the police.

Lweji · 03/09/2013 23:21

Patting in the back is not technically assault, unless it injures the other person.

Nor is picking up a coin on the street technically stealing by finding, unless you see the person dropping it.

A first unwanted advance may not be assault. Repeated unwanted advances are assaults.

scallopsrgreat · 03/09/2013 23:21

'Pushing their luck' Yep, that there is why it is so important to name it for what it is. Minimising sexual assault perpetuates rape culture, a culture where women's boundaries are seen as fluid.

CailinDana · 03/09/2013 23:23

Another question charity: do you honestly think repeatedly putting a finfer in someone's anus having been told not to is equivalent to a pat on the back?

scallopsrgreat · 03/09/2013 23:23

And I can't quite believe you are comparing penetrating someone's body against their consent to picking up a coin in the street. We aren't even talking those two thins being on the same spectrum Hmm

CailinDana · 03/09/2013 23:24

Finger

CharityFunDay · 03/09/2013 23:27

Of course I'm not comparing picking up a coin to having a finger pushed up your arse. Don't be so bloody silly.

What I am pointing out is that being technically a criminal offence is purely in the eye of the beholder.

The OP said she felt 'uncomfortable' with her DP's actions. I think her subsequents posts show that she doesn't feel that she has been the victim of a crime, even if technically she has.

Life's messy like that. Get over yourselves.

AnyFucker · 03/09/2013 23:28

Some people really do equate a woman's bodily integrity with an inanimate object

curlew · 03/09/2013 23:30

Charity- you said he was "pushing his luck"

Yes, the first time he was. But he keeps doing it, even though she has told him on several occasions that she doesn't like it. What do you call that?

CailinDana · 03/09/2013 23:30

What would your advice be to the op charity?

OxfordBags · 03/09/2013 23:32

Ah, life's messy. Which is why we should just shrug off being repeatedly humiliated and anally assaulted by a finger despite making it crystal clear that we don't want it to happen. It's only as bad as picking up a pound coin off the street. All we have to do to stop if upsetting and hurting us is to tell ourselves it's not a crime even though it is. Glad to clear that up.

Something being technically a crime is quite obviously NOT in the eye of the beholder. The whole being an actual crime part of it being a crime makes it A FUCKING CRIME regardless of the bloody beholder.

If I murdered someone and truly believed it was fine for me to do so, it would still be murder, even if I denied it to myself. And no, I am not comparing murder to a finger up the bum. I realise that I need to make that tiresomely clear to people like you.

Lweji · 03/09/2013 23:33

The problem with abuse is that the victims often don't feel they are being abused until the abuse is overwhelming.
Be it emotional, financial or sexual.

Just because the OP doesn't feel it is a sexual assault, it doesn't mean that it isn't.
Although I think she is waking up to it.

OxfordBags · 03/09/2013 23:35

My DH never 'pushes his luck' or makes me uncomfortable during sexual stuff because he is not a rapey loser who believes he should get his jollies at the expense of mine and has a basic understanding of what is acceptable, about consent and so on. He didn't need a counsellor or anything to know any of that. He just needs to not be abusive in nature.

curlew · 03/09/2013 23:46

My dp used to say he was going to "do the prep" for dinner- meaning he was going to peel the spuds and so on. It irrationally set my teeth on edge to such an extent that I eventually had to tell him. He had been saying it regularly for 20 years- but stopped at once because I asked him to, and he hasn't said it since.
If he can remember to stop doing an ingrained verbal tic for me, then presumably it is so much easier to remember not to put your finger in someone's anus. "Now what was it she asked my not to do? Ah yes....."

runningforthebusinheels · 03/09/2013 23:55

I would just like to state for the record, and for those that "know" me on here, that runningonwillpower is not me.

Agree with AF and all the others (too many to mention you all) as usual.

OP - I know you've left the thread now, but in case you do keep reading, it is extremely difficult to recognise abuse when you are the one who is in the relationship. But what he is doing to you is abusive. Telling a man that you don't want him to stick his finger up your bum during sex doesn't mean "keep on doing it sporadically, because in time I might be worn down enough to start accepting it."

And we wonder why sexual abuse is so accepted and excused in wider society - FFS this is MN. I'd expect better. Confused

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 00:04

if anybody else has had any more pm's from contrarian please do report them

it is quite clear they are unwanted and inappropriate, and yet he does it anyway

oh...

OxfordBags · 04/09/2013 00:37

I think if you would let him keep PMing you, AF, you'd eventually start to enjoy it.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2013 01:02

Oohhhh yes, really he wants me to keep pm'ing him, he just doesn't know how to ask me...

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 04/09/2013 01:48

Other than the obvious boundary trashing, the bit of the OP that stood out for me is and now he can't understand why I am pissed off

Not only is saying no not enough but not even being allowed to be indignant about being ignored.

Johnny5needsinput · 04/09/2013 04:01

Suppose I posted a thread on here and it said

"My DP hits me when he's angry. I know he doesn't mean it.

It doesn't happen every time but he did it again last night. He apologized after and said he won't do it again (he says this everytime) and now he can't understand why I'm still pissed off"

What would happen? Would all those on here who are saying its not technically an assault would they say it about that? Of course not, so how is it different because its a sexual assault? And to all those who minimise it because its sexual - what are you afraid of? Why can't you call it for what it is?

And for the record. I'm awake at 4am because I have the boundary pushing actions of an abusive man running riot through my brain and it is scary how much I let him away with.

Lazyjaney · 04/09/2013 07:01

I think this thread has lost its sense of proportion

That is assuming it ever had one.

This thread is not a balanced view from the MN Massive, it has been a small number of people posting again and again and working themselves into a complete frenzy - a hysteria loop!

Johnny5needsinput · 04/09/2013 07:08

I Am anything but in a frenzy.

What on earth are you saying?

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