Mil (age 67) and fil (72) say they now find it "too tiring" to have our dc to stay for 3 days in the summer holidays

[Mintyy]

I'm a bit surprised. When I'm 67 I would hope to have the energy to hang out with a 10 year old and a 12 year old who require no more care than having their meals cooked and to be reminded to have a shower/go to bed (10 year old only).

Or is that unrealistic of me?

Mil is less than 17 years older than me to put it in context .

To quote Mintyy from yesterday afternoon, "I am more worried that a 67 year old would find this fairly normal day to day activity tiring, tbh. Might get dh to question a bit more closely and check that everything is ok." - and there are a number of other occasions when she makes it explicitly clear that she is worried about whether her expectations of a 67 year old are unrealistic (in the OP - so hardly drip feeding the info) and whether her MIL is becoming old before her time.

Hardly the words of someone who is supposedly just worried about three nights free child care . Mintyy sounds like a rather lovely DiL who is genuinely worried about her MiL and is indeed showing concern.

RTFT.

Thank you prettybird and everyone else who rtft

Three days in the holidays is hardly 'free childcare', more spending precious time with grandchildren. Some posters are extremely rude OP, I would ignore them....

Agree.

These posters are the same ones who in years to come will be huffing and puffing and declaring that they are not free childcare (occasional or otherwise), and that on no account should their grandchildren ever think they will be welcome to stay.

OP, some people seem to get very old before their time!

On retirement some still remain very active, but some become very home-bound and spend an awful lot of time sitting. When that happens, any activity out of the ordinary must seem really knackering.

Some of the posters also seem to expect that a relationship just happens and doesn't have to be worked at. Just because you are a blood relative, doesn't mean your grandchildren (or grandparents) have to like you or want to spend time with you.

But in the mintyy's case, the in-laws appear to be have been involved up until now but something has changed :( Quite rightly, she is now going to get her dh to explore a bit further to check if anything is amiss.

I'm a bit at how much my dad has declined; you couldn't imagine a more fit 40 yr old and now he's a mildly rickety 70yo. I sure hope I have a better innings.

my mother (75) had my 3 (14,11 & 8) all boys for EIGHT days on her on this Summer so I could go away with my DP alone.

I am extremely grateful. It IS free childcare with someone you can trust - but she also has a close relationship wit them because of her willingness to spend time with them. They are hard work too, at times....

my parents have just had my 2 children (10 and 8) to stay for three weeks - just them the first two weeks then in the final week I came, bringing my youngest. They are 80 and 76 and they have done this every year since the children started school (sometimes along with my sisters two children). I guess it will stop soon but while they feel able I think it is good for my children to learn something about their background where I grew up and have the chance to develop a relationship with my parents who don't live close enough for popping round for the afternoon. It is also childcare and helps me manage the summer holiday. My grandmother provided childcare for my mother and she is happy to do it for me in whatever way works best, which is this - none of us stops to ask whether I am being presumptuous, or whether she was 30 years ago. I think that comes very much from my mother - she would just have seen families helping each other out as the norm, there would never have been any expectations of leisure time that you would resent being taken up doing childcare for relatives

Ok, I have now rtft twice(!), but the second time just reading the OP's posts - it does come across differently. I now read it that your focus is on your MIL or PILs, OP, whereas before I thought your focus was on the 3 days.

(I wonder if the sudden strong reactions against me last night were because people were reading into my posts what they'd read in others, as well?)

The focus of a lot of posters is on the 3 days, and a lot of people seem to assume that a sleepover is essential in good grandparenting. (I'm not sure you are saying this, though, OP.)

in-laws appear to be have been involved up until now but something has changed I still think this sort of comment is overstating it - the OP has said that GPs and GCs see each other every couple of months and that regular contact is continuting.

I think retirement is generally bad for you. I will keep going partttttty as long as possible.

Really? Because she isn't coming across like she cares about her in laws at all.

What is up with you differentnameforthis? Are you being deliberately goady?

My dad is still working. Life just caught up with him. his parents were both healthier at same age. He's an ID twin & his twin has had parallel decline despite some other big differences in life; ID twins are a little weaker anyway.

Kudos to you Mintyy for hanging around, answering questions and trying to explore things. I have no idea why some posters are being dense; could be because it's an emotional topic for many, and some may be defensive.

No I am not, I am being truthful, op. Your posts seem to lack concern for your ILs, just saying it how I see it.

But why do that when you have been told that the way you see it is wrong? Its bizarre.

Well, you are the only one who sees it that way differentnameforthis? Does being factually incorrect not bother you?

Just because I see it differently, doesn't mean it is wrong. I see it how I see it, you can say it is wrong all you like, and I accept that, but I still think you come across that way!

Actually, I see it like that, too, and think that people have been quite rude to differentnameforthis. (Not the childcare part, obviously, because it is a hassle for Mintyy to take the children to see her PIL, and she's not bothered about the three days.)

I think most of the replies seem to be saying that their parents can still do all these things into their 70s and 80s, so Mintyy's should be able to as well. And they can't because they don't want to engage with their grandchildren, so they don't deserve to have a relationship with them. There just is no empathy for how people feel as they get older... just that they ought to pull themselves together, step up to the mark, catch up on their sleep some other time, etc etc.

Someone mentioned celebs at that age, and how well they were doing. Well, I'm a bit younger than Madonna, but no-one would ever compare us.

I see it as PIL are genuinely unable to cope, and the three days is the last straw. Perhaps it's because I've spent some time around less vibrant people of that age, and seen them struggle through. We all think we'll be different when we get there - just as my children think they will be different when they hit middle age. Just as pre-children, I swore I'd still be partying every night when I had given birth...

As I said before, if there's another issue, such as the PIL genuinely not interested, that's a different issue, and a different question.

There is definitely an age where GPs change, from 'getting older' to 'old and tired'. My ILs have hit the latter. It was quite sudden and unexplained.
With them it seems to be as much to do with patience as anything else. Children are needier than we think, as parents, because we have got into the groove of doing stuff for them alongside doing everything else. We automatically think about them. I get the impression with my ILs that the sheer effort of having to look out for another person is too much.

Unfortunately it comes across as 'god we can't be arsed with your child' so that's not very nice. I am sure there are ways of handling this which don't make your children harbour great resentment for not wanting their children to be part of your family.

67 is the new retirement age for women, so hopefully we will all be fit and well at this age otherwise it may be extremely difficult to work full-time.

The point is they don't want to do it, not clear why. It could be slowing down, ill-health you don't know about, can't be bothered, lots of reasons. I would not automatically assume ill-health or tiredness aged 67 but it is a possibility. It might be worth having a sensitive word to see if there's a major issue underlying it, but if not, just accept they don't want to do this anymore.

But, they could live another 30 years and it's quite young to really give up people staying over completely unless there's some other issues going on.

Talking to DH about this, and when he retires, we are going travelling. Neither of us went when we were younger and we have Big Plans.

I really hope that I'm not too tired to do all the things I shall want to, one of which will be to have my lovely grandchildren to stay. Although my DD who is only 16 says she will call her daughter Titty. I might have a problem with that. I hope she jokes.

i think the mental effects of ageing are hugely underestimated. I can still do almost everything I used to be able to do, but my comfort zone has definitely shrunk. Change in routine, new appliances, going to unfamiliar places, are all more of a worry now. And, above all, feeling that I'm responsible for someone other than myself. Never thought I'd be like this.

I think your PIL may feel that they need to have days out to give the gc a good time. Or it's a strain, now, to find some common ground, something to talk about. They can't just switch off and it's tiring to be 'on duty' for 3 days. Or did something happen the last time they had the children to put them off future stays?

I love spending time with my gc while it's actually happening, but must admit I'm sometimes a bit daunted by the thought of it in advance.