Mil (age 67) and fil (72) say they now find it "too tiring" to have our dc to stay for 3 days in the summer holidays

[Mintyy]

I'm a bit surprised. When I'm 67 I would hope to have the energy to hang out with a 10 year old and a 12 year old who require no more care than having their meals cooked and to be reminded to have a shower/go to bed (10 year old only).

Or is that unrealistic of me?

Mil is less than 17 years older than me to put it in context .

I hope I don't have grandchildren at all

If you have people to stay overnight then they are still there in the morning.

Whether they are getting old before their time or simply cba it's their choice I'm afraid and you will have to be very careful about questioning their motives if you don't want to cause offence.

Having said that, I would be suspicious that there was more to it than meets the eye, especially if they have always been keen to have them in the past.

Just because they haven't told you about any health issues yet doesn't mean they don't exist.

My mum spent several months worried that one of her close friendships had disintegrated as her friend kept making excuses not to Skype her and sending v. short emails instead. It turned out she was trying to hide the fact (from herself as much as anything) that she was in the early stages of Parkinson's Disease and the stress of speaking to someone online when the shaking was visible was causing panic attacks. Thankfully she's now diagnosed and medicated and Skyping every week again.

My two brothers and I used to spend almost every other weekend with my GPs until my grandad died when he was 75 (GM was 70). When we saw them one of them often had health problems but they always took us out for lunch, cooked a big meal for us on a Sunday and took us into town and to car boot sales. They never seemed tired of us. As we got older (12ish) we started to play on GPs PC (they got one way before our parents did) and spent less time with them so we didn't need much occupying. I think it depends on how needy the children are. We loved it.

I really miss my GPs.

Having just lost my step-dad this week at the age of 72, I feel that how much grandparents want to do should just be accepted, rather than questioned. They should be valued whatever the involvement. Probably too simplistic, but we are all in a sad place right now.

I wouldn't have a clue what to do with a 10 and 12 year old. I imagine they mostly loll around with the tv on, or maybe just play games on their ipad.
Thing is I would feel I should be doing something with them which would be stressful.
Hopefully it won't be like that with my GCs as I will have seen enough of them to feel at ease when they are mooching about.

Really properly laughing at Barbarian Mum .

Just to reiterate: we do accept it, we aren't going to question it, we are grateful for the times they have had the children in the past although it was something the dgp asked to do, the dc won't mind and can still go to visit their 67 year old step grandma instead who is always complaining she doesn't get to see enough of them!

I hope they are alright health-wise, of course I do.

My df died at 81 and my dmum is still going at 82. Both of my grandmothers died in their 90s. To me 67 and 72 doesn't seem old, but I'm obviously wrong about that!

Lurching off topic here, two relatives in their early thirties looked after DD for 36 hours when she was 30 months old while we went away to a wedding. DD was a little madam at that age still is but really not an abnormally difficult toddler, and she slept through the night and napped mid afternoon. DPs came down to visit for the lunchtime to help play with her (so, 4 adults to entertain 1 toddler) and they moaned at length about how exhausted they were. We were grateful for the babysitting, don't get me wrong, but we are unsurprised that they remain child free ten years later.

My parents are similar ages and love spending time with their grandchildren, they took all of them away for a week at a time (in two lots!) this Summer (they have 7, ages from 4 to 16...)

They have a fantastic relationship with all of them (not all 7 are mine!!) and are loved by all ...

I think it depends on the individuals, but a little effort will go a long way in establishing long-term relationships.

Perhaps setting expectations might help? ie you do not need to feel stressed because they are watching television or lolling about doing nothing.

I have to say that I'm intrigued as to who these GPs are who feel they have to entertain. My parents generation (ie in their 70s and 80s)definitely did not see themselves as entertainers of children - all of us as children in the 70s were very much left to get on and amuse ourselves.

It's such a shame that families who are generally close don't feel that they should put themselves out in any way for each other for such a short amount of time. It works both ways - my Dad came to visit us recently as he fancied a change of scene, and stayed for 3 days. DS gave up his bedroom, we entertained him, and we all had a great time (and that's not easy with my Dad, long history...). He is about to go in for a biopsy and a CT scan, so I will take time off work, make childcare arrangements and drive 120 miles to be with him. If things don't go well, then I will no doubt have to repeat the process. Why on earth would you not just put yourself (if that's how you see it) out for a few days??

Campbell Its interesting the whole baby-boomer generation thing - and am about to generalise madly here. But, I'm going to go back to work soon and mentioned this to mil, her first comment 'I hope you won't want more childcare

'd when I read this 'generalisation', but would agree with an extended version : that GPs fall into two distinct camps - the 'engaged' variety, or the 'disengaged'
I adore having my grandchildren. In fact have just had a wonderful long weekend with the youngest (one year old) who ran me as ragged as only a toddler can. Reminded me that I can still giggle at 6am. And keeps me young. I would have any one of mine, at the drop of a hat.

His other grandparents adore him, live roughly the same distance from him, and have never had him to stay. SIL is their only child, so focus for them is solely one directional). Its not about love - they love their SIL, seem to love my DD and could not be more proud that they have their first GC. They are simply not child orientated, and do not cope well with looking after him even in his own home.

The difference applies also to how they regard "support". I have always managed work plans, or socialising, to fit with whatever my children have needed in the way of family back up when their children were young; and have actively changed plans at the last minute to do that. DDs inlaws would give them anything they needed, but are also prone to phone at the last minute to say they have changed plans and won't be coming and would never consider changing their own plans to assist.

Its a priorities thing, not a love thing.

For what its worth, OP, I am in my 60's and have no issues with running around after the GC's. I love it. My MIL took my eldest on a three State driving trip in America, at 67, and took my youngest on a week long trip swimming with dolphins at 71. No issues, and she spent months showing the boasting books of holiday pix, to anyone who would look !!

In your shoes, given everything you have said about the situation, the latest statement seems totally out of character for them, and I think I would be wondering if someone is hiding an illness?

I dont think DC of that age need entertaining do they?

That might be the problem though, if they have their head stuck on electronics, perhaps the GPs think they aren't interested in doing anything with them anymore

I wasnt actually talking about electronics, I was thinking more that at that age they entertain each other.

frogwatcher42

I don't think you are being thick, I do however think others are being wilfully rude to you!

OP, there is no way of telling if the average 67yr old finds it tiring because everyone is different. My dad (he is single) is 70 & lives with a houseful of kids still (and I am talking toddler to 7 & he has my brother's 3 who are 8 - 14 every other weekend so he & their mum can work/enjoy some kid free time (overnight)).

My mil & fil (similar age, give or take) wouldn't be able to do it. They see my children & take them out & bring the home, but I think overnight would be too much.

It is horses for courses & no one of us can say if they find it tiring or not.

Takeitasred what a lovely post

My ex inlaws are both in their 70's and have my 6 yo DD every school holiday, they do loads of things with her, she loves it.

I guess people are different when they get to that age.

I think people are different at any age - full stop. Some will happily go the extra mile occasionally, others will pull out all the stops at the drop of a hat, others will not lift a little figure unless it suits them.

Sir That is the case with everyone, your right about that.

That's a bit sad. My mum who is 74 and on her own has just returned my 6 yo. She had her for week (and she's hard work). They had a great time.

The elephant in the room could well be a health issue PILs have chosen not to share with you. Just say'in....

Sorry to be gloomy.

Is there any chance that the grandparents feel the can't afford to have the children for 3 days? There would be 2 more mouths to feed and entertainment to be paid for and they may be on a limited budget.

They may also feel that the dgc will have unrealistic expectations of what they're gong to be doing.

As I won't retire until just before 67, and as I have all sorts of long distance walking hols in mind I do very much hope I have the energy to knock up a spag Bol for a couple of pre teens! My nephew has been speeding ahead on mountain walks for years so I do expect to be going at a steadier pace than my (theoretical) GC.

Some older people think themselves into old age. My MIL is 12 years older than me and carries on as if she was truly ancient, wailing 'I'm old now' and believing she can't do all sorts of things that she easily could.

Interesting points, thanks all! Blu - I guess your dh is a lot younger than you then? Mine is 2 years younger than me, hence tiny age gap between me and mil.

Mirry - they are on a limited budget, so we give them money to cover the cost of things like cinema tickets, fair ground rides, bowling etc. We gave them £40 this year, I think.

My dc aren't hooked on electronics but are quite happy to read/veg in front of the tv/play cards/go blackberrying/walk the dog etc. In laws live in the country and have a gigantic garden so they can more or less open the back door and let them get on with it!

Quite agree Blu.

There are some absolutely justifiable reasons on here why they may not want their older GC to stay for a one-off 3 days - ill health and lack of money for example, but some older people do become very insular and lack get up and go (many younger people do too, come to that!). Forcing yourself to step outside your comfort zone, mix with younger people, and get up off the sofa is good for both your mental and physical health.

Crikey, if I thought that I was going to go from a fit, working adult of 67 to someone who couldn't look after my 10 and a 12 year old grandchildren then I might as well lie down and give up now.