Mil (age 67) and fil (72) say they now find it "too tiring" to have our dc to stay for 3 days in the summer holidays

[Mintyy]

I'm a bit surprised. When I'm 67 I would hope to have the energy to hang out with a 10 year old and a 12 year old who require no more care than having their meals cooked and to be reminded to have a shower/go to bed (10 year old only).

Or is that unrealistic of me?

Mil is less than 17 years older than me to put it in context .

[TakeItAsRed]

"i think the mental effects of ageing are hugely underestimated"

Oh I do agree.
I can run around after under-5's all day long, but please don't ask me what we had for lunch last week - or where the hell my glasses are!

[SirChenjin]

I think it's up to us as adults of whatever age to keep ourselves as young as possible, both mentally and physically. It's too easy just to give up and say "I couldn't" when in fact stepping outside our comfort zone and pushing ourselves is actually good for us.

[AnneUulmelmahay]

Ermagerd at the non RTFT-ers

Minters it's one o' them tings. We have the opposite, Mama, widowed, a leetle bit doddery, still insisting on taking mah boys out for day long hikes through the woods. As fast as I can say Mama, no need, lovely cafe at the Park she bats me away with paddled hands.

[Cretaceous]

You see, SirChenjin, I could follow you if you said "I think it's up to me to keep myself as young as possible..." but how can you tell other people what they should do when you are not in their shoes? That's a bit of a "get on your bike" speech.

Personally, I follow your philosophy. But then I'm lucky, in that I am in robust health and very confident. There comes a time when even pushing yourself isn't enough to, say, run a marathon in two hours, however much you want to step outside your comfort zone.

Surely we should show people some empathy, and if the PIL feel it's all too much, we should sympathise.

I think Thymeout made some good points about what the problem is. If the PIL looked after the children every day, they might find it easier. But three days a year may be what makes it so difficult.

[SirChenjin]

I didn't 'tell' people to do anything - I expressed my views, demonstrated by "I think..."

I also said "as young as possible" - so for some that might be walking to the end of their street, it might be joining a club, it might be running a marathon, or it might even be having their grandchildren to stay for 3 days

[BangOn]

My ils are very cold & remote. Think they've babysat once in 7 years. My parents will do some childcare & the occasional overnight stay, but it always comes at a price - emotional rather than financial. Having a childminder for the past two years has been one of the happiest childcare experiences for dd. Really sad that the only really helpful help dh & i have evrt had we've had to pay for.

[differentnameforthis]

Thank you Cretaceous

I am happy to take back the comment about op not wanting to miss out on her three childless days. I appreciate now that it isn't an issue, I said it at the time because reading her posts, that is exactly how it read to me

My FIL & grandmother are a very similar age. I think he is 2 yrs younger than her. She is practically house bound, can't shop on her own (if at all, her daughter does it for her) she only goes out once a week to get her hair done. She uses a frame to get around, even in the house & find moving about very difficult.

FIL walks miles every day (only slowing now to bad knee), he is very active with my dc, does a lot in the garden, for neighbours etc. But I know that he would find having my dc for an extended period of time very tiring!

It really depends on the individual. And this is what the op doesn't understand.

[differentnameforthis]

Both are in their early 80s

[zatyaballerina]

They're both very old and their health depends on genetic and lifestyle factors which can make people feel a lot older than their biological age.

Tbh, I'd find three days with other peoples pre teens too much, other people in general are tiring to have under your feet for more than a day because you have no space to recharge. Add the natural tiredness of an elderly body with whatever health problems it may have and it's multiplied.

I don't see what's so offensive about someone telling you that they are too old and tired to take your kids for a few days

[dollywobbles]

I've RTFT, and I get that no one's supposed to hold a different view from the OP. But, I think the use of inverted commas around 'too tiring' in the opening post suggests that she doesn't think the in-laws find having their GC to stay tiring.
I think this discussion about being 'surprised' is all a bit disingenuous. Why would it matter if someone was tired? It doesn't mean you will be.
Neither my parents nor my in-laws have ever looked after DS (other than 1.5hrs on one occassion). That hasn't led to inner turmoil for me, 'what if I never look after my grandchildren'. I just think 'fair enough, it's not for you'. We still spend plenty of time together and DS loves them.

[sameoldIggi]

Zatya - "they're both very old" - at 67?! I take it you are a long way from your 60s if you think that!
I know people still working at that age,though that is their choice.
Heaven help us though when we are all expected to work full-time till we're almost 70 by the government, never mind look after gcs for a few days.

[prettybird]

The OP has already explained that she put the quotes around "too tiring" because, well, she was quoting her MiL. Strange that, using quotation marks for a quote .

"Or is that unrealistic of [her]?" to quote the OP

[prettybird]

I too wonder if those that think 67 is "very old" are themselves still very young - and maybe don't even realise that they'll still be expected to be working at 67. Alternatively, I hope that they are saving very hard (while they are still young) so that they can take early retirement before they get very old.

[TakeItAsRed]

You have a major point nailed, there, prettybird
If 67 is old, slowed up, and not able to function at previous activity level (as a generality) then the Government have now created a section of the labour force that must by nature be deemed unfit for purpose.
Maybe we should go figure .........

[CookieDoughKid]

I think that grandparents SHOULD make it clearer much early on to their OWN dcs, that they are NOT interested in looking after their gc in any respect. Any if they ARE interested, then in what circumstances would it be acceptable according to the grandparents? I think too many families don't address this and it causes tension especially between MIL and DIL.

I think these sort of conversations would have been helpful and practical - (sorry OP - I don't mean to hijack your thread so please tell me to keep shtum!!) It really helps to have as much transparency and communication, in an understanding manner rather than having people 'guess' as to why activities like weekends aways etc are being withdrawn.

[CookieDoughKid]

I know even 30 year olds who DO NOT have the temperament nor the energy to look after dcs of ANY age. It doesn't matter the age, it matters more on the person and willingness.

IMO - and it's my IMO only;) People suddenly find a lot of ENERGY and enthusiasm to do things they ARE interested in (despite if they are 37 or 67).

For my MIL, she finds my gc "tiring" yet can do two days worth of gardening back to-back as well as the shopping/cleaning/cooking and clearing out her garage ON HER OWN.

Of course, we know MIL LOVES her gcs and I would NEVER EVER berate her but let's not give the crap excuse as that gc's are 'tiring'. I'd much rather she just come out with it and say playing with gc's isn't her bag and she loves them but that's all she can manage.

[PeachesForMe]

I know from talking to my father that the mental effects of ageing are really getting him down.
He fights it, because physically he can at the moment. When he can no longer do the things he loves which keep the grouchiness/self-centredness/worry/fear/thoughts of dying away, he will of course find it harder to spend quality time with his grandchildren, it stands to reason.

Also isn't it true that some happy people are just happy and accommodating during old age? And if you're not one of those naturally happy people, everything mutates into a giant slog and an imposition?

[SirChenjin]

I agree. My Dad was a useless father and an even more useless grandfather. He's happy enough to phone about once a week and asks after them, and remembers birthdays and Christmases - but he's the most insular, self-centred, non-demonstrative man you will ever meet, and he made my poor Mum's life very difficult. She was the more hands-on one, but sadly died last year. We live about 120 miles away, so her visits were every 3/4 months for a couple of days.

He doesn't have any real interest in the GC and used to complain about being 'tired' when they came to visit (on the very odd occasion with me), and yet can happily travel the world, goes hillwalking and is an obsessive gardening. He is supremely fit for his age, but just not interested in his GC (or children really ), so I'm afraid I find his being 'tired' quite irritating.

I wouldn't even ask him to look after the DCs, and it's not surprising that the youngest DC didn't actually know he had a Grandfather who was still alive.

[SirChenjin]

I mean didn't know when he was younger

[Rules]

My kids are 21 and 23.. My husband and I started enjoying having our lives back about 5 years ago, date nights, going hill walking etc. We want to enjoy our time left together and have found each other all over again as a couple. I do not want to feel obligated in any way to have to look after my grandchildren when they eventually happen. We have done all those years of child rearing and did it bloody well with NO help from anyone. Was the most amazing time of my life and I was a stay at home Mum for a lot of it. Now it's our time. I will babysit occasionally but not as a regular thing.

[CookieDoughKid]

That's great Ruth and I'm sure your children will appreciate you as the amazing grandmother you will become - when they have kids. Of course, you should be able to do as you wish in terms of childcare assistance. Would you be open to having a frank conversation with your future d/s-in-laws and tell them it won't be a regular thing and why? I think it would be a huge help - it would have been for me - and also set the right expectations too. They will still love you and even more so, with clarity.

[Rules]

My kids know how I feel and have explained it and they understand. I will probably spend a lot of time with grandchildren cause I want to, just don't want to be a " childcare" provider as seems to have become the norm now. Now I have come out of my childbearing days I feel it's important to find yourself and your own life again. Life has just begun for me all over again.

[Rules]

"childcaring"

[Cretaceous]

Prettybird said: "The OP has already explained that she put the quotes around "too tiring" because, well, she was quoting her MiL. Strange that, using quotation marks for a quote ."

But I think that people generally use the quote to denote they don't actually agree with what has been said... you only have to look at this use on this very page, so I guess that is why dollywobbles suggested the OP might be disingenuous. For example:

CookieDoughKid with "For my MIL, she finds my gc "tiring" yet can do two days worth of gardening back to-back "

and SirChenjin: "used to complain about being 'tired' when they came to visit" and her later sentence "I'm afraid I find his being 'tired' quite irritating"

Now, in those two cases, they might have reason to be irritated. But the original question is about a different case entirely, where the PIL have previously had the children for three days, and now find it's too tiring. Well, maybe they do find it too tiring. (And many people can't work to 60/65 now, let alone to 67, and certainly not at their former levels.)

People support their children in all sorts of ways, not just by childcaring. So if I were Rules' DIL (and I'm far too old!!!), then I would certainly see her point of view, just as I hope to be a hands-on GP... and my 12yo is certain she will never have children

[SirChenjin]

I assure you that I used 'tired' in the same way as the OP ie to denote what my Dad used to say.