Mil (age 67) and fil (72) say they now find it "too tiring" to have our dc to stay for 3 days in the summer holidays

[Mintyy]

I'm a bit surprised. When I'm 67 I would hope to have the energy to hang out with a 10 year old and a 12 year old who require no more care than having their meals cooked and to be reminded to have a shower/go to bed (10 year old only).

Or is that unrealistic of me?

Mil is less than 17 years older than me to put it in context .

Chunky - of course you can wander off topic. That is, in my experience, one of the joys of mumsnet.

This has been an odd experience of a thread. Best to bale out and go to bed.

I would be interested to see if all these people who think they will be capable of having two young house guests at age 67, find for some that they can't. When the government were first talking about extending the pensionable age, the main argument against it (including here on MN as far as I can remember) was that people are too tired to work at gone 65. Also that a lot of people have ill health by then too.

Now on this thread, it is expected that we are all to be happy, lively and capable of having guests for days on end at age 67 plus. Obviously some will, but a lot won't for various reasons. 67 is still quite an age regardless of those who will be as fit as fiddles. That is why the pensionable age is creeping just past 67 to 70 - the advisors to the government assume that a lot of us won't make that so pensions are cheaper!

As my customers say at work (elderly lunch guests), old age creeps up on you and then is a total shock when it hits. Energy is one of the first things to go!!

My Mum is 67 and is travelling 500 miles to look after my 5&4 year olds during half term for 3 days. She lives next door to my brother and looks after his 2 year old one day a week, and does the wrap around care for his 5&7 year olds 3 days a week. Plus looks after the kids when DB and SIL have trips away. So, no, I don't think it's too tiring, especially since they've offered to do it the last few years. My MIL regularly offers to come and help with the kids and she's 76 and also lives hundreds of miles away.

On the other hand my SIL's Mum never has my nephews to stay and rarely even babysits in the evening. She says she finds them exhausting, but she is 61 and in good health. So who knows what goes through people's minds.

Of course threads evolve and conversations meander. Its just that I won't be accused of saying or thinking things I haven't said or don't think. Am fussy like that.

I think it is an attitude thing and some people (we all know them) are old before their time. I know my mil was absolutely horrified when I had a baby at 40! She had her dc at 18 and 19, so I must have seemed absolutely ancient to her.

My parents are in their 70s, fit and well, and would not have DD (19mo) even for one whole day because they find her too tiring/difficult (she is a normal toddler!). I am jealous of anyone whose parents / inlaws are happy to have gc overnight!

It's your parents' choice and sounds like they have been hands on over the years. Now they've had enough and I don't see how you can complain.

Nanny0gg
Don't get me wrong, I genuinely bet you are an absolutely fantastic grandmother - you certainly sound like one, but you didn't actually give a reason for not ever having a sleepover. Is it tiredness after spending lovely days with them, not enough room? You don't have to answer - I know I have got a very inquisitive brain, I am just interested.

Oh gawd.

Chunkyficken - yes, conversations can go off-topic. Used to happen a lot in the early days (I've been on MN far too long since 2002) and threads would morph a long way from the premise of the OP but now that there so many MNers, threads can move really quickly, you don't necessarily "know" the other contributors plus and probably most importantly not everyone reads the whole thread before posting, so off-topic discussion can be mis-interpreted.

Frog
"I would be interested to see if all these people who think they will be capable of having two young house guests at age 67, find for some that they can't."

Did not all those posters say this was only if health and MH health permitted it?

I am recently 'retired'. I am not yet 60. As I said, I see a terrific amount of my DGC, which I love. I also try and slot in a social life.

I don't want them staying overnight.

So shoot me.

Nanny unfortunately mil hasn't and doesn't do any of these things, she has admitted she finds it hard to motivate herself to do anything. She's gone from never watching TV to watching daytime tv, which if you had known her even a year ago you'd have thought impossible. In my post I said stopping and having NOTHING to fill the time can narrow your world irreversibly. I believe this of a person of ANY age, but obviously it is more prevalent in SOME retired people because, well they stop work. Not everyone fills that void as successfully as you.

Her world has narrowed, in a very tangible way.

I am a bit about it all Mary! Still, Mumsnet never fails to be entertaining eh?

Xmasbaby OP IS NOT COMPLAINING!!!

RTFT.

Right I am jolly well pissed off and tired now if I have resorted to shouting on MN.

Read first 2/3 skimmed last and ignoring some of the juicy themes here to mention

My Dad, always fit and active began to slow down in retirement (late 60s early 70s) and put it down to getting older. Then went to the dentist with jaw pain and angina was eventually diagnosed leading to a very successful heart triple bypass and a new lease of life. If one of your PsIL is suddenly unusually tired there might be a non serious medical cause, anaemia or whatever or something that really needs looking at even.

Or maybe they've taken up a secret hobby

Bloody hell!

So they've been happy to have the children to stay in the past (in fact for years) and now they're not and you are posting on here, why? To ask if we think they're lying???

And apparently they are being unreasonable because a) lots of people on here would like to their (as yet unborn) grandchildren to stay with them at that age in the future or b) because other people's parents are able to manage it.

It beggars belief.

And what's with this 'not entertaining them' rubbish. They are going to build a deep and lasting relationship with their grandparents by - doing - what? Sitting in front of the telly all day. Playing on the Xbox? Bickering?

I had my 12 year old nephew to stay for 48 hours this year and it was knackering. And the less entertainment I provided the more knackering it was as he came up with new and dangerous exciting ways to entertain himself. And I'm a lot younger than 67!

Barbarian, I got the impression more that OP was saying it ought not to be too tiring,but if it genuinely was, perhaps she and DH should gently explore to make sure there was nothing wrong with the PIL. Ie., she not hoisting up her stroppy pants, she's bewildered and wondering if she should be concerned.

So all of you lovely MNers who have DGC and are more than happy to have them during the day, why don't you want them to stay overnight?

Is it because the DGC don't sleep well or won't go to bed when asked or?

I can't see that having DGC overnight is more tiring than during the day Surely they will be asleep for 8+ hours?

(My DM could only cope with mine overnight - DS was way too tiring during the day!)

I don't think any of our DC (18, 16 and 8) would be able to spend any time alone with any of the GPs (who are 80, 77 and 76). The general pace of life is incompatible.

I take DD to stay with my parents, but she needs me there to entertain her. My mother seriously underestimates just how much DD needs to do, and that she needs other DC.

Mine are younger (children and gps) and gasp in horror my parents provide free child care, one day every week. Interestingly they will never have them overnight and I'm not sure why because they are much easier asleep They are happy to babysit and then drive home at midnight (which I would find knackering).

My ils seem to be more into sleep overs but they live further away.

Everyone's different, accept it. It doesn't make them bad.

Its interesting the whole baby-boomer generation thing - and am about to generalise madly here. But, I'm going to go back to work soon and mentioned this to mil, her first comment 'I hope you won't want more childcare'.

Now as they have never every done childcare for me I was rather perplexed. But I reckon its because they have friends who do provide regular childcare for their grandchildren that they sort of think in some weird way that they do too. It was very very odd as they've always made clear that they want to live their lifes and although they see my dc's regularly, I'm normally around too.

I wonder mintyy if your mil has similar friends so she feels like she's doing a lot more for your dc's than she actually is.

My mum felt she was invincible and loved ds to bits until she turned 80, had some health issues and was very sorry she couldn't do more for him (would have collected him for secondary school too!) and then sadly passed away 2 years later. They were very close although she was nearly 70 when he was born.
My pils see one GS regularly and babysit and do overnights often (boisterous 7 yo). But after having my dsd, 16, stay with them for a school term (they live abroad) they won't do it again, not even wanting her to stay the summer hols, now she has friends there to visit. Why? They totally went out of their way to spoil her, paid for everything (dh paid them her maintenance) and then some, chauffeured her around and generally didn't want her to be bored. The complaints came after she left. Not once did she do her laundry, help with housework, cook or clean or be useful in any way. I don't know why they went overboard, they see her (and dss) every year for a few weeks.
Maybe gps feel bad about not being able to offer same standards as always, dc getting older etc.

MrsCampbellBlack - as I get older, I realise that people's perception of what they do (what they tell you they do) can be quite different to what they really do! It is very odd and difficult to deal with.

I'm hooting at the posters deliberately ignoring the main question in the thread and deciding the OP has an axe to grind because she needs childcare...when it obviously is not about that!

My 78yr old father had my DD (10) for 3 days this summer and loved it...took her on the fairground rides, swimming...etc He'd be mortified to think someone thought he was too old.

At 67 I intend to take up serious cycling and do Lands End to John O'G because retirement will give me that time to do so

Being old at 67 is a state of mind. However choosing not to have your GC is her prerogative

I think all grandparents are different. My parents weren't terribly interactive as parents so I didn't think they'd turn into the type of grandparents who would be wanting to have the grandchildren to stay for any length of time, if at all. I've been proven correct but don't have an issue with it....

I would just say to those of you who do have very willing and able parents to help out with your DCs that you are jolly lucky!

I also wonder, OP, if it's because your PILs obviously had their children young that they're less than willing to help out. DH and my parents were in very early 20s when they had us and I always feel that because they missed out on being young because they had a family of children to look after, it's meant that in their retirement they don't want to go thro' the whole looking after children process again? Does that make sense...

However, I can quite easily see that it shouldn't be beyond them to look after tweens for three days, if only to give your DCs a change of scene. On the other hand, having a tween of my own, I can also see that if they're in that apathetic "it's boring" type of groove which means that they're reluctant to do anything other than mooch/play computer games/listen to music, your PILs might find the whole scenario quite trying.....I know I do sometimes

I'm also introverted and find other children around - even my own - tiring.

I have no desire to look after grandchildren or to "earn" a relationship with them. I will love them and support them and be honest with them but I'm fucked if I've got to "work" at any relationship! How very entitled?!?