Mil (age 67) and fil (72) say they now find it "too tiring" to have our dc to stay for 3 days in the summer holidays

[Mintyy]

I'm a bit surprised. When I'm 67 I would hope to have the energy to hang out with a 10 year old and a 12 year old who require no more care than having their meals cooked and to be reminded to have a shower/go to bed (10 year old only).

Or is that unrealistic of me?

Mil is less than 17 years older than me to put it in context .

See, my MIL would never whip up a spag bol. Just outside her frame of reference. And they eat their main meal at 1pm. MIL would never cook in the evening. So days out are difficult to process for them. They do it, and then fret about lunch, and restaurants, and cost. They are so, so set in their ways. The effort of flexing arrangements for the children is tiring for them. My PIL are an extreme case mind...

Minty, DP is 4 years younger than me and his Mum had him when she was 16.

As regards engaged GPs, I hope v much to be able to take my GC on adventures of many kinds. Trips out, weekends away and at home etc. but having been a f/t WOHM and needing to work until retirement , I will not be tying myself down to a regular childcare commitment to cover working hours. I will move heaven and earth to offer cover or help in a crisis of any kind though.

I find this thread quite depressing at the lack of empathy for the aging process.

As the teenager is to the parent, so the parent is to the elderly person. In other words, we can't imagine how we will be when we are 67, and we swear we will do it differently.

However, Mintyy's PIL have enjoyed having the grandchildren to stay until this point. Now, it's getting a bit much. Maybe it really is getting a bit much, there's no hidden agenda. Now, while I'm sure when I'm that age, I'll be up for having my grandchildren for sleepovers, in reality I may not be. It might not be because I've given up, I'm not keeping myself fit, I'm not putting myself out etc. It might not be my fault at all! That is just the randomness of aging.

"Crikey, if I thought that I was going to go from a fit, working adult of 67 to someone who couldn't look after my 10 and a 12 year old grandchildren then I might as well lie down and give up now."

Well we all like to look on the bright side, but in reality some of us will be dead by then, or wheelchair bound, or just exhausted and struggling. If I were Mintyy, I'd be asking what I could do to help make their life easier.

By the way, I'm 50.

Which is why I said a fit, working adult of 67 - which is the age of the OP's MIL - and made it clear in my post that I was not talking about people with ill health.

my mil hasn't looked after my children for at least 2 years and hasn't seen them for a good 6 months. I just conclude that she's not interested in them. They are 3 and 7 and luckily my mum and sister pay them a good deal of attention

oh and my mil is 64 and my mum is 85, so age isn't really an excuse

My DM wasn't a great mother and is kind of repeating the process with the DGs, except that she does try and is happy to step in for a couple of days. If she didn't do that she wouldn't really see them as we live really far away.

But as you get older, you slow down not necessarily because of ill-health per se, but in the general aging process. Things take longer. At 67, there will be many people who are fit and working, but who find it takes more effort to work.

Gosh, my DP is only 50, but he's already saying he's slowing down at work, and doesn't know how he'll keep on to 67 in the same pressured job. And he's someone who's fit and healthy.

Of course, there are always the mils who aren't interested, but Mintyy's PIL have been interested. The issue is they are getting tired and it is too much.

Well my Dad is in his 70's he still has all his grandkids to stay, my 16 and 19 year old went for a week, he likes to talk to them, they went out to the beach and for dinner ect, its up to him, I know he gets tired, not so much with mine, but with his younger grandkids who need more looking after. if he said he was to tired to have them to stay I would say that's fine, its his life I don't expect him to want to look after them. I think he is just grateful they still want to spend time with him, being as they are teenagers and normally just want to be with their friends.

Agree - to a point - but we are talking about looking after 2 children of 10 and 12 for 3 days as a one off. If you are able to work at 67 then really, you should be able to keep a vague eye on 2 pre-teens.

I'm 44 and DH is 50, we have a 6 year old and 2 teenagers. We both work f/t in demanding jobs, and both feel our age - but are determined to play as active a part in our GCs lives as possible when/if they come along. MIL is 82 and very kindly has the older 2 for a few days in the summer holidays when she takes them out for lunches, puts them to work in the house and sits down with them to watch TV (she has Sky, we don't, they love her!)

I really think a lot of it is attitude to life. I have a friend who doesn't work, potters about, and complains that she doesn't know how I manage with 3 children and 3 jobs. As long as you are physically fit and able, sometimes you just have to push yourself a bit.

Blimey my mum has my DS 3 from 6am until 8pm one day a week and from wednesday night until friday morning every week so I can work and she is 63! She also has my dog too

I hope to god I am not going to be too tired for my grandchildren, if I have any, at 67. 3 days is hardly a lot and they can rest at night.

They won't get a rest at night because the children are too old for early nights.

I can see both sides - its tiring having a guest, you're always thinking about their needs (even if they are adults).

I think what I'm saying is that it isn't only attitude to life. I'm not saying that attitude has nothing to do with it, but there are other factors involved.

Your MIL at 82 is lucky she can manage to have the children. However, many people that age - by luck of the draw - cannot manage themselves let alone grandchildren. People seem to lack empathy about Mintyy's PIL, who are now finding it difficult, even though they were previously keen to have the grandchildren. Who are we to say it's all in their mind?

As I said before, as the teenager is to the parent, so the parent is to the elderly person. When we start to slow down, then perhaps we will understand ourselves. And while my mum was going strong into her 80s (and was also very unsympathetic about her ailing friends), not everyone will be so lucky.

"3 days is hardly a lot and they can rest at night." Gosh!

Cretaceous - I don't think anybody is lacking empathy with my pil. All I am doing is expressing mild surprise that a grandparent of 67 would find it too "tiring" to have non-demanding well behaved children to stay for a few days. My attitude, I hope, would be that I could rest the other 361 days a year when I didn't have them.

The lacking in empathy runs all the way through the thread.

If I give my DIL plenty of notice that I really am tired, I hope she would understand. Because there are plenty of 67 year olds who would be too tired. Just as there are plenty of 87 year olds who have enough energy.

Perhaps one of them is starting to get dementia, and they want to pretend all is fine for as long as possible? Or perhaps it was all too much for them last year? But if you think - and judging by your quotation marks perhaps you do - that she isn't really too tired, but has other priorities, then that's a different question, isn't it? I would hope that my grandchildren would be a top priority, and if it is a question of priorities, in your shoes I would be disappointed in them.

The quotation marks denote a quote, funnily enough . That is what she actually said. I just wanted to use her words.

I can't see anywhere where anyone has said, for example "how awful, they really should step up to the mark, they are just being lazy" but perhaps I haven't read every single post word for word.

You see, I would say that is the subtext of many of the posters. And putting tiring in quotes suggests to me that it is her words, and not the words you would choose.

I guess it would be nice to take the children up and all stay with them, if you could. It would be sad if the PIL missed out as they get older, because they can't cope. Particularly as they had been so keen to see them when they were younger.

Personally, I'd be very disappointed if I found my grandchildren tiring at that age, but plenty of people do. I think you underestimate this.

I do think it's an attitude - providing you are otherwise fit and healthy. I think there are people of all ages who take a can't do, rather than a can do attitude to life.

The OP is not asking them to do anything more than keep an eye on 2 older children for 3 days. She isn't asking them to entertain them or run around after them. At 10 and 12 they should be perfectly capable of looking after themselves and helping out round the house - which in turn might actually help the PILs (who can then rest and 'recover' the rest of the 360-odd days in the year)

Oops, one too many rests there!

Not a lot you can do - but I would also be disappointed in your shoes.

Frankly - having a posse of grandchildren to clutter up my house with gadgets and screechy music is my reason for having had children in the first place!

Grandkids-grandparents is a key link for inter-generational friendship, empathy and shared experience.

But you can't know that they don't find it tiring, as you are not them. You are being unreasonable, op.

Instead of wondering why they suddenly find it tiring, you are seemingly throwing your toys out the pram because you will not get your three nights childless.

I am not saying that is it, but you don't sound awfully concerned as to why they feel it is too much.

Sorry but that is utter crap!

That is not what Mintyy is saying - she is not bothered about the "three nights childless", she is questioning whether she is being unrealistic to think that at 67 you could cope with 2 sensible pre-teens.

throwing your toys out the pram because you will not get your three nights childless

What utter rubbish.

My Mum is 64 and my Dad is 56 but not in good health, they have special guardianship of a nearly 5 year old and a 23 week old baby.

They are understandably knackered a lot of the time. 2 teenagers 3 days a year would feel like a dream to them

However, they don't look after any of their Grandchildren, ever. They have 7 children (9 if you count the 2 special guardianships) so if they had one grandchild to stay they would then have to have the other 11 and no one wants that